What should you do if your partner lies to you?

It can be a tough situation to deal with, especially if both partners love and care about each other despite the lies.

There are a few things to ask both yourself and your partner before making a decision whether or not to stay with them.

One thing is for certain – a good relationship is open and honest.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

We have been living together for 3 years and together for 3.6 years. We are engaged.

He would do ANYTHING for me, but at the same time LIES. He lies about MONEY and work. He is not a good provider. I can’t even work because he can’t afford his own car and uses mine and He would rather be the one working.

What do you do when you both love each other but your partner can’t tell you the truth about money things? How can I get him to UNDERSTAND that he needs to be honest about money and work? Please help, I need to make a decision FAST before I marry into a problem that cannot be fixed.

- Melissa, NY

Why is he lying?

Is he lying about money?  Is he lying about work?  Is he lying about extramarital affairs?  While it’s important to pinpoint what your partner is lying about, it’s also important to understand why your partner is lying.

Could it be something that stems from childhood?

Many pathological liars have psychological issues that stem from childhood.  Whatever issues your partner has that may be causing him to lie to you need to be worked out by him and him alone.  This is something he can see a psychiatrist or a therapist for. They will help your partner work through his problems so he can learn to be honest and open with you about everything that has to do with your relationship.

Are you creating an environment that forces him to lie about things?

While partners shouldn’t lie to each other, it is not uncommon for a partner to feel forced to lie because he or she does not feel safe telling their partner the truth.  What happens when your partner tells you something you don’t want to hear?  Do you jump down his throat?  Do you yell, start an argument or berate them?

If this is the case, you must understand that your partner most likely lies to avoid what happens when you don’t get the answer you want. He’s just telling you what you want to hear so you’ll leave him alone.  It sounds harsh, but it happens.  If you suspect that this might be your situation, relax a little and make your partner feel safe telling you the truth.  It will take time, but you and your partner can learn to trust each other again and build the foundation for a great relationship.

Can he change?

You must ask yourself if you’re ready to commit yourself to someone that lies to you.  Your partner can’t change because you force him to – he can only change if he wants to.  Talk to him. Does he want to change?  Can he?  If he’s working with a therapist, he most likely can but it will take time.

If your partner doesn’t change, you have to be prepared to be with a liar for the rest of your life.  Is this something that you can handle?  Is it something you want to handle?

In most cases, the answer to those questions is “no.”  So you must do what you have to do if your partner continues to lie to you and move on.  Let him know that his lies are driving you apart. He needs to understand that his actions are the cause of the breakup.  If your partner wants to change and you believe he can, give him a shot and see where it goes.  If you truly love each other and work hard to overcome this obstacle, it can be done.