It Isn’t Personal

It isn’t personal. What gets personal is how we handle it when I get frustrated because I don’t understand something he said. 

We have dropped into the habit of Joseph periodically saying something that I don’t understand.  I don’t understand because I don’t believe I have enough details to understand.  I communicate that I don’t know what he is talking about with frustration and impatience in my voice because I very much want to understand. 

Frustration Emerges

Also, because we have had this breakdown going on for a number of years, the frustration in my voice has grown.

He feels like I am telling him something is wrong with him and so he gets impatient with me and gives me one of these looks that brings out the beast in me!  Suddenly, a personality issue has become very personal because of tones of voices, feelings, attitudes, and a breakdown in communication. 

It’s Not Life and Death

Even though a personality conflict isn’t a life or death matter, it can make me as a woman feel unprotected, unsafe, and not cherished.  Someone who loves and cherishes me wouldn’t look at me that way! 

The same personality conflict makes him feel unseen and disrespected.  Suddenly, a truly insignificant-in-the-great-scheme-of-things incident rocks us at the core because these fundamental needs are challenged!

Make Attitude Changes

Next time, I am going to respond with a different tone of voice by coming from a different attitude.  Instead of reacting from the space of impatience and frustration I have made a habit of, I am going to come from the space of seeing him and respecting him. 

That would look like telling the truth.  Such as, “I was with some thoughts in my head and didn’t catch all that, would you mind saying some more?”  I bet I will get a different response from him.  Taking responsibility for what is going on in my head is far more respectful! 

If Joseph were working on this on his own, he might choose to interact with me from a place of cherishing my feelings to see if he could get us to shift gears with this personality conflict.  He might say, “Gosh, I know it frustrates you when you don’t get enough details and it frustrates me to slow down and provide them!  But here goes…”  I would find that disarming.

Without either of us manipulating the other to communicate in a certain way and by simply taking responsibility for the truth of where we are at when the communication breaks down, we are able to treat each other in a way that communicates love, respect, and cherishing. 

That satisfies those fundamental needs that we once easily met and we get to walk out of a personality conflict that causes breakdowns rather than risk walking out of the relationship, causing a break up. 

Honesty delivered with care and compassion rocks!

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