Sara:  John, you said you were going to be here at 8, and when you didn’t get here or even call, I got worried. Then I felt hurt and like I don’t matter to you.  Can you tell me what was going on with you?

John: My being late was unavoidable.  My boss called a last minute meeting because sales are down and it ran over, then I had to go by my mothers to help her with her car and I lost track of time.  To be honest, I knew you would be mad that I was late and I just couldn’t deal with it right then, I was too stressed.  I know it must have hurt, I really didn’t mean to hurt you, but I can see that I did. I am sorry.

Sara: (Crying) You were afraid I would be mad? Of course I was mad. You let me down. But I can see that if you were stressed you wouldn’t want to face it right then, I am sorry my anger makes it hard for you to talk to me. I’ll work on that.

Obviously, “Sara” and “John” are able to be really respectful, honest, and not reactive.  It’s really hard to not be reactive when we have been hurt. But taking the time to find out what is going on with our partner (using whatever words we can muster) allows us to step back and see them as a human being, with problems and issues of their own, and not merely our offender. 

To do this we have to be able to do something called "Containment".  Containment is where we hold back on expressing our reactions to something before hearing the other person out.  We listen thoroughly to what is really going on before we respond.  This allows us to get the whole story and the feelings behind it before saying our piece.  Containment is a skill that has to be learned consciously and requires attention and intention to accomplish, but it can be done, and it’s so worth it. 

The next time you are caught up in one of those crazy making discussions, try this. Shut up, contain your reactions, listen, and then start "mirroring" your partner and ask them to tell you more.  Mirroring is when you say back to your partner what you are hearing them say, it’s not parroting them word for word, but summarizing and re-phrasing what you have heard, then checking it out, “Did I get that right?” or “Is that right?” As you ask for more, say, “Is there anything else?”, “What else”, “What else can you tell me about it?” or “Is there more?”  When they have said all they can say about it, see if you can find something in what they have said to empathize with, even if you don’t agree with them, before you respond. 

Most of the time, once you have fully heard your partner out, your reaction will be quite different than it was initially.  Suddenly our defensiveness is down and we have a chance to respond to our partner with ownership of our part, empathy for what they are going through and respect for who they are.  

Featured Author, Melody Brooke, MA, LPC, LMFT is the author of "Cycles of the Heart: A way out of the egocentrism of everyday life", speaker, workshop presenter and counselor. She is also a Certified Radix Practitioner, Right Use of Power Teacher and InterPlay Teacher. Melody’s 19 years work with individuals, couples and families has provided her with a unique approach to solving clients’ problems. 

To find out more about InterPlay and "Cycles of the Heart" go to www.melodybrooke.com. 

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