He would be forced to withdraw into a protective angry shell. 

I couldn’t understand how their marriage had lasted so long.  Once Lauren was able to understand how she had thrown Stan into the role of her father, and that she was in an old brain reactive mode because of her abuse history and not because of Stan, she was able to relax her angry stance.  Stan was fearful of expressing any feelings to her because of her past rages, but when he saw her pain as she talked about her father’s abuse, he softened to her.  He was then able to let her see how her raging at him had affected him, and she could actually let herself have empathy for him.  It still took some time before she could trust him enough to let him discipline their children, but she did.  He was able to have empathy for her fear and distrust instead of seeing it as being about him. 

Our old brain is particularly active if we have abuse in our childhood history.  Our survival instincts had to take over in that event when we were little.  Then when anything reminds us of what happened before (i.e. disciplining children) we are emotionally triggered back into our old brain survival instincts. 

Lauren and Stan were lucky enough to learn this before Lauren died of cancer two years later.  She was able to let him care for her and take over as primary parent. He was able to let her see his pain and vulnerability.

Establishing a deeper level of understanding of our partners’ reasons for blasting into the old brain reactivity helps us get closer and enriches our connection.  The next time we find ourselves in reactive place with our partner, asking ourselves “What is this really about?” can help us move through the current conflict and into a deep abiding love.

Read more great articles from Melody Brooke. 

Featured Author, Melody Brooke, MA, LPC, LMFT is the author of "Cycles of the Heart: A way out of the egocentrism of everyday life", speaker, workshop presenter and counselor. She is also a Certified Radix Practitioner, Right Use of Power Teacher and InterPlay Teacher. Melody’s 19 years work with individuals, couples and families has provided her with a unique approach to solving clients’ problems.

To find out more about InterPlay and "Cycles of the Heart" go to www.melodybrooke.com.

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