habitually take the victim stance. When we think that we are always the one being abused it’s difficult to recognize our part in a problem.  In fact, those of us stuck in believing that we can do nothing to change our circumstance are creating the problem as Eldridge Cleaver said,  "If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem.”  So if you think you are the Victim, think again.  If you are not actively working at solving the problems you have, you are as responsible as the person you are blaming for the problem!

Owning your part, even if you don’t fully understand it, opens you up to being curious about what you can do differently.  Letting your partner know that you want to know what you can do differently, immediately takes down barriers between you.  Suddenly you are not each other’s enemy, but instead, team mates trying to work out a plan that will work for you both. 

Whether it is more sex you want, or more emotional intimacy, you both are responsible for making it safe for each other.  If you have been accusatory and blaming your partner for the problems your partner will not feel safe to explore the problems.  They will feel defensive and ashamed, fearful of the topic, and generally untrusting of your motives.  Moving out of a blaming position by communicating that you have as much to do with the problem as your partner, you allow safety to evolve.

No one wants to make love when they don’t feel safe. No one wants to open up emotionally to someone they don’t trust.  If you are not having sex or emotional connection in your relationship, you have to own your part in not making it safe for those things to occur.

Now on my third marriage, I have finally learned to own my part in my relationships.  I don’t have to blame him when things go wrong. I know that there is something I can do to improve things, even if it only means saying “I’m sorry. I know things are not right between us. What can I do?”

Featured Author, Melody Brooke, MA, LPC, LMFT is the author of "Cycles of the Heart: A way out of the egocentrism of everyday life", speaker, workshop presenter and counselor. She is also a Certified Radix Practitioner, Right Use of Power Teacher and InterPlay Teacher. Melody’s 19 years work with individuals, couples and families has provided her with a unique approach to solving clients’ problems. 

To find out more about InterPlay and "Cycles of the Heart" go to www.melodybrooke.com.

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