we can get a divorce and it will be all better.

I can honestly tell you that two divorces did not make the difference in my happiness. My happiness or unhappiness resides inside of me! This need to find blame is so difficult to overcome that it can easily convince us that the one we love is responsible for our feelings of unhappiness.  We so desperately want to find an answer that we will abandon our beloved when we think they are the cause of our despair. 

Stress and Change are a Normal Part of Life 

The stressful and difficult things that happen throughout our lives are a normal part of life.  Learning to weather it without blaming someone for our difficulties is a challenge.  But getting to an understanding of how we project the cause of our unhappiness onto our spouse can actually help you find happiness within yourself.

If you are looking for the cause of a stink in your kitchen and your focus is on the rotten wood under the sink, but the source of it is the garbage, replacing the wood won’t fix your problem.  You have to figure out where your garbage is and clean it out. 

Releasing your partner from the stress of your blame can do wonders for your relationship just by itself. 

When you are under stress from the normal things that happen in life: lost jobs, job insecurity, financial problems, children who are having problems, legal problems, deaths, caring for an elderly parent – whatever  – it will cause stress on your marriage. You will want to blame your unhappiness on your spouse. “Why won’t he get a better job?” “Can’t she figure out somewhere else for her parent to live?” “She’s the reason the boy is having such a hard time, she wasn’t hard enough on him.” “If he just didn’t spend so much.”

You see? All of the above are reasonable explanations for stressful situations, but they don’t really solve the problem.  Blame never does.  It seems like it will, but all it does is creates problems of it’s own.

Your Unhappiness Resides in You 

The next time you want to blame your spouse for your unhappiness, remember that your unhappiness resides in you.  It’s your job to change how you feel, not your spouses!  If you are unhappy, choose to talk to your spouse about it. If you can do it without blaming him/her, they will share their concern and help you try to figure out what you need to do to make things different.  But if you, even subtly convey that you think your unhappiness is because of them, what you will get instead is anger, resentment and arguing.  Partners will naturally feel defensive and try to protect themselves against attack. 

It is natural to respond to blame with anger.  People so often get upset when someone suddenly lashes out in anger, in what appears to be an unprovoked attack, when what happened was that the person lashing out felt subtly blamed.  When your partner startles you with what feels like an unprovoked angry response, notice whether or not something you just said may have led them to believe you were blaming them for something.  Chances are you were subtly blaming them, or at least, they thought you were.  When people are going through stressful times, they are even more sensitive to the possibility that they are being blamed.

Let go of Blame and Anger 

Stressful times are a time to pull together, to look for solutions and give each other a sense of support. Yet it’s very hard to accomplish, even in the best of marriages.  Knowing that the stress itself will cause you to look to your partner for blame can help you let it go.  It’s the stress causing the sense of blame, not the blamed one causing the stress. Learning to notice how you use blame subtly can ease the strain of stressful times. Lean on each other; don’t push each other away by blaming the other for your unhappiness. Your partner can be your best resource.

Read more great articles from Melody Brooke. 

Featured Author, Melody Brooke, MA, LPC, LMFT is the author of "Cycles of the Heart: A way out of the egocentrism of everyday life", speaker, workshop presenter and counselor. She is also a Certified Radix Practitioner, Right Use of Power Teacher and InterPlay Teacher. Melody’s 19 years work with individuals, couples and families has provided her with a unique approach to solving clients’ problems. 

To find out more about InterPlay and "Cycles of the Heart" go to www.melodybrooke.com.

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