Really Listening

Men take more time getting around to discussing aspects of their lives and personalities that allow you to know them more deeply because such discussion makes them feel vulnerable.  And when they feel vulnerable, they believe they are no longer in a position to protect you.  Oftentimes, perhaps every time, a man discloses to you parts of his life or personality that make him feel vulnerable, he will feel most heard by your attentive listening that doesn’t ask too many questions and that, most especially, doesn’t analyze what he shared.  While those kinds of verbal responses might make a woman feel seen and heard, respectfully listening without pushing him deeper will make him feel seen and heard.

For both men and women, when you are invited to listen, be careful to allow his or her thoughts to come to a close before changing the subject or leaving the room.  Leaving the conversation too swiftly or changing it to be about you too soon, makes a person feel dismissed and is a big turn off.  Again, here body language gives a lot of clues. 

My husband, Joseph, has shared things with me that I did not realize were tender for him to share.  Because I did not pay attention to his body language (some tenseness, lack of lingering direct eye contact, hesitation while sharing), I did not perceive what a vulnerable place he was in.  So, I got busy analyzing and comparing what he shared to something similar in my life, just rambling on because I hadn’t really listened!  When that happens, it is so embarrassing to realize how inattentive and self-centered I can be! 

On the other hand, when either of us listens attentively, reads the other’s body language, and responds with respect and tenderness, the love and passion grow.  Listening deeply is a lot like smiling.  It takes more effort to smile than to frown, but life (and love) is better when the effort is made!

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