Choose a Better Interpretation

All of these stories are opportunities to practice the discipline of choosing a better interpretation of your spouse or romantic partner!  You can make the choice to interpret his or her behavior and words a different way. 

The first time you try it you might feel naïve.  However, if choosing a better interpretation turns out to be the wrong thing to have done, then you have tested the relationship and gathered important information.  If choosing a better interpretation turns out to be the right thing to have done, your relationship just improved with the simplicity of a thought. 

Carryovers From Past Relationships

The stories we create about our romantic partners come from past relationships.  They come from the most recent romance you had as well as the first one you had when you were a kid!  They come from how Aunt Betty made fun of you or how Uncle John was inappropriate. 

They come from how you interpreted your parents’ messages throughout your childhood.  They come from how your siblings and schoolmates treated you.  They come from every person who had an effect on your self-esteem.

Doesn’t Your Partner Deserve Better?

The person you share your bed with, your life with, deserves better than to be interpreted through that many people, especially the ones who did not have your best interest in mind when they teased or disrespected you.  You deserve to grow your self-esteem to such a healthy level that you no longer sabotage your relationship with made up stories.

Replace Them With Something Positive

Try it!  Take the stories you make up about your lover and shush them.  Then replace them with something positive.  For instance:

“He loves his children.  That’s why he sometimes feels torn between us.  He loves me.  That’s why he sometimes feels torn between us.  How can I help him not feel torn so we can get back to that loving feeling?”

“She is such a flirt.  That’s why I fell in love with her in the first place.  But look at how she looks at me.  No matter how anyone else flatters her, she only looks at me that way.”

“I think she hates it when I do that.  But she hasn’t said anything about it.  I’ll just wait and see.  Maybe she loves me so much she thinks it’s cute!”

“He closes his eyes when we make love.  Next time, I’m going to be on top.  I’m going to take it slow and try gently blowing air across his eyelids.  Maybe he’ll open them and I’ll smile at him and show him how turned on he makes me.  That might encourage him.  I may need to talk to him about how his not looking at me makes me feel insecure someday.  In the meantime, how can I be creative and playful about this?”

If a positive interpretation tests the relationship, then that is information you need anyway.  If it improves your relationship, what else is there to say?

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