SUBSCRIBEWhen Fairy Tale Romance Goes Bad…
Here we are in the 21st Century.
We have cell phones, Internet, microwaves and electric cars.
We have more information than we can possibly absorb about everything from digging holes to brain surgery.
But we often still think in 15thCentury terms when it comes to romance…
Fairy Tale Romance - The White Knight and the Damsel in Distress
One young couple I worked with had been madly in love. They met when she was 20 and he was 30. Gary was an established salesman making six figures and Lisa was a social worker, working nights in a coffee shop to make ends meet. When he walked in she said to her co-worker, “There’s the man I’m going to marry.”
Lisa says she said it jokingly, but this is what she had been hoping for: a strapping 6’3’ elegant man with a quick smile and loose with his money. She wrangled a meeting with him and they were quickly swept into a whirlwind romance. She moved into Gary’s 3,000 square foot home and quit her night job. He bought her flowers, jewelry, spa treatments and other thoughtful gifts. Lisa was enraptured with him, and he with her.
Gary admired what Lisa did and wanted to take her away from the stress of living on little money while doing good works. When they married the congregation was in tears, they had never seen a couple so in love.
When the Fairy Tale Turn Into a Nightmare
But less than a year after they married the relationship was in ruins. Lisa had an affair and Gary discovered her indiscretion. Furious, Gary insisted she go to therapy and work things out. Lisa was so depressed by the failure of their marriage and the depth of his rage that she was afraid to break off with the man she had been seeing and couldn’t agree to stop seeing him. Gary’s was bitter and angry. He filed for divorce and started seeing other women. He still went out with Lisa and they occasionally talked of working things out.
Lisa became distraught when he filed for divorce and dropped the relationship with the man she had been seeing. She begged Gary to take her back.
Gary continued to see other women, but after the divorce was final, he was ready to consider reconciliation. They came into therapy hurt, angry and confused. She thought he was mean and irresponsible with money. He thought she was a liar and disrespectful to him.
What Went Wrong…
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Is it at all possible to make a successful relationship out of a “white knight” situation?
Are you aware of how your acknowledged ‘relating’ to the woman colored your interpretation of their story? You refer in a judgmentally neutral way to her desire for “those extra things that make a woman feel good about herself: jewelry, nice clothes, acrylic nails, spa days, and a beautiful home”. You breeze right past the open fact that she was attracted to him for his money, and then cheated on him within their first year — and refused to end the affair when he was willing to put it behind them.
Yet, you repeatedly refer to him “disrespecting” her by taking care of her. Your references to his role in this damsel/knight relationship are decidedly judgmental. You refer to his “wanton ways” with his money, and even put the wore “his” in quotes.
The knight is “shallow”, and incapable of intimacy, whereas the damsel is “limited” and “not allowed”, references which suggest that she is kept down somehow by external forces, through no fault of her own; something which does not match the facts in the story.
I think it’s evident that, as you yourself admitted, you “related” to one side of this relationship, and you were unable to get beyond that in a professional way and look at them objectively.