SUBSCRIBEWhen Fairy Tale Romance Goes Bad…
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What Went Wrong…
After setting some ground rules for how they should manage their relationship while they were in therapy, I began asking them about how their relationship had begun.
They both admitted to being completely in love very fast, too fast, really. Lisa talked about how he had bought her things and spent money on her and how she saw him as her “White knight”. Gary talked about how he had not been looking for a relationship when they met, but they had just clicked. He said he wanted someone to take care of and saw that she was someone who, because of her work, was worthy of his care taking.
They then realized that most of their resentment and the distrust that had begun shortly after they married had started with this White Knight/Damsel in Distress relationship.
I completely related with her. I remembered that when I married my second husband I had secretly hoped he would rescue me. I was, on the surface a very independent woman. I had graduated from college with little family assistance, was taking care of my little girl on my own, with little support from my ex-husband or family. But the bottom line is that I had been struggling for so long I secretly hoped for someone to take me away from all my struggle.
Lisa was no different. She was independent in that she had a career and place of her own, but money was tight and she couldn’t afford those extra things that make a woman feel good about herself: jewelry, nice clothes, acrylic nails, spa days, and a beautiful home.
Gary had been raised with money and was being groomed to take over his family business. Money had never been difficult for him and he had never denied himself anything. But it seemed meaningless in away, until he had someone worthwhile to spend it on. Of course, this did not mean he was willing to deny himself his toys and indulgences.
Lisa soon realized that after they married his wanton ways with money were not as attractive a trait in a husband as they had been as a beau.
His lack of real respect for her became evident as he failed to pay any attention to the things she asked of him in regard to managing “his” money.
It didn’t take long for the marriage to spiral out of control at that point.
How To Avoid the Nightmare and Keep Your Happy Ending
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Is it at all possible to make a successful relationship out of a “white knight” situation?
Are you aware of how your acknowledged ‘relating’ to the woman colored your interpretation of their story? You refer in a judgmentally neutral way to her desire for “those extra things that make a woman feel good about herself: jewelry, nice clothes, acrylic nails, spa days, and a beautiful home”. You breeze right past the open fact that she was attracted to him for his money, and then cheated on him within their first year — and refused to end the affair when he was willing to put it behind them.
Yet, you repeatedly refer to him “disrespecting” her by taking care of her. Your references to his role in this damsel/knight relationship are decidedly judgmental. You refer to his “wanton ways” with his money, and even put the wore “his” in quotes.
The knight is “shallow”, and incapable of intimacy, whereas the damsel is “limited” and “not allowed”, references which suggest that she is kept down somehow by external forces, through no fault of her own; something which does not match the facts in the story.
I think it’s evident that, as you yourself admitted, you “related” to one side of this relationship, and you were unable to get beyond that in a professional way and look at them objectively.