Why So Many People Marry Someone JUST Like Their Mother (or Father)
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We probably donât immediately notice the harsh side of our partners, but are swept up in all the positives â which are likely many. Itâs sort of like the âhoneymoonâ phase where romantic love is in full swing and itâs not until we settle in do the little things start to come up and drive us up the wall.
In laymanâs terms, your wife does something that reminds you (consciously or unconsciously) of a parent who might have hurt you this way, and you react like a lion on the attack.
Deep Down Your Fights Feel Uncomfortably Familiar
You might even have said, âI swear, youâre just like my mother!â Itâs not only the negative traits that attract us but the positives as well.
However, itâs the ânegativesâ that get all the attention because of the emotional turmoil and relationship conflict it can stir up.
So, if a lot of us subconsciously pick partners who ultimately âtriggerâ us in some way, are we all destined to a life of occasional or frequent intense irritation, upset, or in some cases, rage?
Part of the answer is at least being aware of this phenomenon â and what your sensitivities are. Another part is talking about it openly with your partner and exploring ways you might both modify your behavior.
If communication itself is an issue in your relationship, this might be a bit more challenging.
Empathy and understanding are incredibly important when dealing with this subject matter. If an intolerable level of conflict and cyclical arguments continue then perhaps couples counseling would be helpful.
There are âImagoâ therapists who have been trained specifically in this work.
I believe that by finding someone who at minimum comes from a theoretical orientation that accepts the âpast impacting the presentâ and that parents influence how we are in relationships â youâd be off to a good start.
Consider It An Opportunity To Heal
If you think youâve married your mother or father â donât fret.
I believe most of us are in marriages where this comes into play for at least one partner â often both. It doesnât mean your relationship is doomed.
On the contrary, if you come to an understanding of the forces at work, you are primed for the potential to have a very satisfying relationship.
If there are attachment wounds you suffered from a parent, you have a wonderful opportunity to heal yourself within your marriage.
To learn more about Lisa Brookes Kift, go to http://lisabrookeskift.blogspot.com
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