I have two brothers and a sister that all were married by the time they were 20 and all are still married to our original mate. We now range in age from 62 to 70 so this isn’t from a standpoint of being to new to marriage to view it realistically.

If I hadn’t married until 30 I wouldn’t have had the privilege of having two daughters, before we were 25, who married at about the age my wife and I did and are still married to there original spouses and have a total of 8 kids.

It takes determination and dedication to each other to make a marriage work long term, but I sure would have missed out on a lot by not being able at age 66 to have been young enough to enjoy grandkids who are now 10 to 23 years of age.

I am 49 years old. I married at 22 when my ex was 23. I met him when he was 21. We were right for each other in every way but one. I could not have foreseen this issue, and I daresay I probably would not have been able to foresee it even if I were older. I thought he was just young and inexperienced sexually, which accounted for his shyness in the bedroom. Unfortunately, even though he did his best to “open up” like other guys his age, he shut down sexually two years into the marriage. To this day no one knows what his problem is, least of all him, despite having gone for counseling and couples therapy years ago. We know he is not gay, though. Many have suspected that he was a victim of child abuse and can’t get over it nor admit it to anyone. Sadly, we are still the best of friends and he has never found another relationship, although I have.

The thing is, there was no way I could have foreseen this whether I was 22, 32 or 42, looking at him at 21. The signs were just not there. A lot of guys I knew when I was young were shy and inexperienced and later “blossomed” sexually. He seemed to be coming along quite nicely when I dated him! How was I to know that there were deeper, darker secrets that lurked beneath my ex that would ruin the relationship? I don’t think that even today at my age with all my experience and relationship savvy I could necessarily predict that of someone who is only 21. Maybe in some cases, but not one like this. But then again, if I had met my ex in his 30s and saw that he was shy in the bedroom, that would have been a red flag. So what you say about “knowing yourself” is only part of the equation. You also have to be able to know enough about your partner to make a wise decision, and if they are also not fully formed themselves until their 30s, you’re taking a gamble on who they’re going to be when they “grow up”.

Of course there are always exceptions, but I strongly believe that you need a certain level of experience and maturity before you could have a strong and healthy relationship.

As you said, the basic premise is to know yourself (and love yourself). Only then you are open for knowing others.

This takes years of living and loving.

Eddie

Congratulations on your happy and successful marriage and family. May you serve as an inspiring role model for all who meet you.

Sonia Miller, BBA, MSW

I do not think you can make a blanket statement like that, it depends on each individual realationship.

I couldn’t agree with David more. People just don’t know who they are before 30 and if you really want to create a successful marriage you have to a) know who you are (or at least be committed to finding out so you can attract a mate who will support you to find out WITHIN the marriage) and b) look at marriage as an opportunity to GIVE vs. GET. So many people think a relationship will fill those voids or compensate for those wounds and it just doesn’t work that way.

Thanks for your great blog! I’ll be back!

Sonia Miller
“The Voice of Your Soul”