I was surprised recently to hear that a couple who has been together only a few months is in couples’ counseling.  How is that possible? 

At a few months, the relationship hasn’t had time to become something definable that needs fixing!  Now, at a few months, it may become apparent to one or both partners that this relationship isn’t going anywhere, so it is time to break up and move on. 

However, if the love is there and the chemistry is right, the intensity of couples’ therapy, if it comes at all, ought to be years down the road!

Sometimes You Don’t Have to Wait On Your Partner

That doesn’t mean relationships don’t need some help along the way.  Sometimes, though, making relationship help a group effort is just too much.  When it is too much, one of you will dig your heels in and refuse to participate effectively.  At such times, you do not have to wait on your partner to make a difference in your relationship.

Truth be told, not only is your relationship a reflection of you, it is a reflection of your partner is too.  That means if something needs to change you can begin with you.  When you do, your relationship and partner must reflect the new you back to you. 

To make this idea concrete, let me share with you from my experience.  In my husband’s and my profession, we work with adult mama’s boys and daddy’s girls who have fallen in love with each other, some making it all the way to the altar and eventually raising mama’s boys and daddy’s girls of their own. 

Mama’s Boys Are More Complex

By our definitions, mama’s boys are more complex than the stereotype!  Mama’s boys are not only created when appropriate male role models are missing, they are created by fathers who themselves are mama’s boys.  Usually, a mama’s boy can only raise a mama’s boy and a daddy’s girl can only raise a daddy’s girl.

We help such couples by encouraging them to address the issue as individuals.  Mama’s boys and daddy’s girls are experts at being inappropriately involved in each other’s lives.  To give them new choices, we give them individual homework. 

We invite her to practice not rescuing him, not taking care of it for him, not treating him like a child.  We invite him to stop pushing against her or pulling on her.  He gets to practice taking action and trusting himself.  He gets to practice stopping when he is operating to please her and realign himself to his vision, his passion, and his desires.  

Change in the Relationship….

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