Well, find the positive in it. You found out EARLY, not thirty years later. Others will try to force you to compromise your standards adn feelings and convince you to down your throat with a lot of ranting about how "OKAY" pron is. If you really can't "swallow" it...get your legal things in order adn some boxes and tape. Life's too short.

Dan and Jennifer: The timing for seeing this is interesting. I have watched porn for years...videos, i'net, etc. My reasons: It's interesting, yet it is frustrating; my wife's libido on a scale of 1 to 10 is 2, and I am being kind!(For the record, sex is twice a month tops!) The solution is not to cheat, as it would make no sense to be married if I did. Any sex we have is on her schedule, not mine or consentual.She found out that I was watching I'net porn recently, and got the threats as you described. I was reminded that she was the "real deal" and that there would be serious implications if I continued my practices. A comment from her is "How can you watch those young girls, you have a daughter their age?!" Fact of the matter is I like watching older women as if that makes any difference. In short I am sexually deprived and porn is my outlet in place of cheating. I have in my life turned down advances from women knowing I am married; I have often wondered if the next time I should give into temptation. I am between the proverbial rock and hard place, I am not getting any younger and enjoy sex immensly, and I am being made to feel guilty for doing so.I have made suggestions to her like being checked out medically or picking up some self-help books but in her opinion, she is not the problem, I am. I am reaching a crossroads, a decision has to be made soon. There are many kinds of love, intimate and caring love are two. I will always love my wife, and I want both types; however, since I cannot get the intimate type from her I may have to move on. Your thoughts??---they would be appreciated.

Your comments regarding a "Conrol Issue" was real
ly right on target...

I feel sorry for the guy that has to live with a contolling female because his only option is to move on to another relationship. My ancient experience suggests that one will never "change" another person but fortunately the built-in fix is that there are other more-tolerant behaviors available with someone else. Otherwise, the sex better be really good to accept that kind of restrictive relationship, because thats about the only lure to keep the guy from putting off the inevitable.

We guys are born with a certain addiction (slight exaggeration for effect) to sex that most females don't seem to share. Females like sex much like they enjoy a good "Pepsi" but there mind doesn't scramble because they can't get their fix. Why do you think males are provided an easy pressure release value on their pipes (foreskin) (Oh yeah, removed for most Americans by religious fanatics, but thats another blog). I make no apology being male. (They make red cars and blue cars... go pick your favorite color and move on)

Anyway, a little porn (or dirty magazine)generally helps speed the pressure release and has been done for centuries (whether admitted or not, it happens). The guy should have done a bit more shopping before commiting to such an intolerant person. Addicts have been known to exhibit extreme behavior to get their fix; lying, stealing, even immoral behavior. They can only defy their addiction starved nature for a limited amount of time with extreme denial to themselves. While my comparison of the male sex drive to addiction is a bit exaggerated, the results will be the same. The male will sucumb to his nature and find outside stimulus to enhance the pressure valve release effect and effectivly get his "fix". No outside partner is necessary unless the "ultimation" effect gives this guy a reason to look elsewhere.

No sympathy for "control-freak" female.

I would probably still be married if it were twice per month. Try maybe once a year. And Dilbert is correct, though I would venture to say that many women are wired similarly, though cultured otherwise.

According to my ex, it was an addiction and a huge problem. I spent little time and no money at it. But the mere existence was the issue. Also from her perspective, it was religious based infidelity. Little can be done to argue that perspective. And it fueled the secular aspects of the discussion.

A couple of years and a divorce later (there were other issues as well, so the opening sentence was hyperbole), things are much better with respect to sex. I have found women, having gone through divorce themselves and re-evaluating their lives are discovering themselves, and some that always acknowledged their desires. That is an entire discussion in itself. However engaging in a relation ship where there is a shared interest of similar motivation regarding sex is a great thing. And as for seeking out porn, it just doesn't happen any more.

I'm not suggesting, as some do, that the woman makes herself available or it is her fault. I am suggesting that there is a mismatch in that area. There are many areas in our lives where we do not match our partner. Each needs to be managed so that it does not overwhelm the relationship. And the solution comes from both sides.

Sex is a powerful motivation, especially for men. The Bible is full of it, Myth is full of it, and history. To ignore it as a motivating or destructive force in marriage is folly.

Well at least you found out in time to alter your life's course. There are a lot of people in here to characterize a person who doesn't swallow their obsessions as "CONTTROLLING", whereas that quite obviously shows THEM to be the controlling ones. If you don't want a life of a bedroom or living room that smells like COME, and a spouse that insists you tolleratate them laying around jackin' off at the very sight of other women (or men or children or whatever), then face up to the fact that you've made an error in character judgement, they don't care about your feelings on a major issue, get your legal things in order, see an attorney, as the produce guy to save you some boxes and get on with your life. YOU CANNOT CHANGE HIM OR HER (at least not in the early stages of marriage...they like to change on you later...bigtime). It's sad but true. Lot of fish in the sea. Get on with it...and make slobbering over porn one of the first questions you as them next time. (...scuze the typos) :)

I think this was not only a very fair but enlightened view of the subject matter. They hit the nail right on the head about the taboo of "sex" in American culture, which is so sad. I love my wife, exclusively, I enjoy viewing porn. She doesn't really like the latter fact but she doesn't bust my cajones either. I think America needs to loosen the chastity belt straps just a little and possibly do some exploring.

Eric, don't forget that you have rights in that relationship too and also remind yourself that anyone who would be so quick to jump and run away from your marriage as your wife admitted to you she would do in her ridiculous ultimatum is probably someone you don't really want to go further in the relationship with anyway!

Only you know the entire story so I'm not going to continue playing dime store therapist. If she were my burden to deal with she would find that given the choice between "live" or "memorex" she doesn't stand a chance since she isn't equipped with a remote control to shut her the #*@! up.

-Chris

porn is never acceptable. it's demeaning to men and women. it affects all relationships negatively, even if the affects are not felt for a long time.

I just really feel sad when my husband views porn and fantasizes about my friends. I KNOW he loves me. I am open to having alot of sex and still his attention is pulled elsewhere. In an open relationship OF Course I understand but why be monogamous if one sexually desires others? For me if I fantasize about others I want to experience that. I have been commited in mind and body. I feel very turned on and attracted to my husband he is MORE than enough for my sexual desires. I feel sad that he feels differently. ....And I want him to be happy yet I wannna be happy too. I have suggested open relationship,even though I would feel hurt at first. But I feel deeply hurt now and at least in the openess there can be someone else for me as well.A simple fantasy dosent do it for me. I like connction and Love. Maybe Ill put this in the question section .I would LOVE compassionate feed back. Thanks!