How Well Do You REALLY Know Your Partner? 1000 ‘Must Ask’ Questions for Couples

11 Responses to “How Well Do You REALLY Know Your Partner? 1000 ‘Must Ask’ Questions for Couples”

1. David on September 21st, 2007 3:05 am

   I am 28, single, professional and I have discovered that I have a problem. I used to date frequently, having no problems developing good solid relationships.
   I have never known myself to have any other signs of an addictive personality.
   I don’t gamble, drink, shop or do anything for a rush, but……
   I have what I would definitely call an addiction to Internet porn. Not just to the Internet, like some people, but to Internet porn specifically. It’s taken over my life, my thoughts, and I’d rather be doing that than spending time socially. I know enough about all the self-help tests and questions to ask myself and I really DO have a problem. The question isn’t how many hours per week I spend on it, but how many hours per day! The answer is at least two hours!
   And yes, I’d rather look through the free previews and spend money on the better sites than spend time doing anything else including spend time with other people or women or the singles scene or catch needed sleep.. I do get touchy or sensitive about critical comments and I do hide my screen from others like the bottle in the flower pot, risk doing it at the office and all the typical signs (just so you don’t doubt me).
   It’s been a hard soul-searching process to admit things to myself. An alcoholic friend who hasn’t had a drink for many years and who goes to AA meetings twice a week and sponsors people had a talk with me. He admits he’s no psychologist, but says the diagnosis is obvious enough that I should read a couple of specific books instead of looking at porn. One book is the Acoholics Anonymous “Bible” and I inserted Internet porn everywhere it said bottle or drink. Any Twelve-Step program would help me but there isn’t one for this that I can find.
   I would rather be looking at porn and checking my porn accounts than reading this site.
   Help me. I am no good at Internet searches for anything but porn-related things. I get bitchy and even tense, sweaty and resentful spending time away from it. Then I get defensive about it (the worst sign). Help me not to “drink” . Where do I go? Any twelve-step program will help, but I hoped you two or someone out there would know of something specific. Please spare me posting in defense. I’m already past that on my way to recovery, I hope.

2. Dan and Jennifer on September 21st, 2007 6:02 am

   Hi David. Try this search in Google: “porn addiction resources”. It will bring up several resources for you to look at. If I were in your position, I would find myself a personal counselor to help me understand my issue and the underlying emotions that are contributing to it.

   Don’t judge yourself or allow others to judge you. Just look at this as a growing experience and try to understand what good can come out of this situation. What can you learn from it?

3. della on September 24th, 2007 6:30 am

   You guys seem so balanced and happy as a couple. Thank you for this column, it confirms all the things we all know deep down inside, but edit out in order to believe we have the perfect love, when we are more in it than our partner.
   I am the great editor in my life, but in the end I was left with a fairytale, that did not find reflection in the eyes of the man I adored.
   When we love so very much, sometimes we are blind love does not let us see or hear what the other is telling us.
   Finally, no matter how much we might love someone, there is no greater love than the one you give to yourself, through honesty and faith, you can overcome the blind sightedness and errors you committed.
   Trusting the words of someone who says he or she loves you is a fine line to walk when what they are really saying is they love the way that you love them.

4. Ebohr Munoz on September 29th, 2007 9:31 pm

   Hello Dan and Jennifer,
   I have just come across your website and as a relationships counsellor based in Melbourne Australia I thought that I’d just support your encouragement of couples nurturing their relationship and getting to know one another. It may come as no surprise but the majority of clients that attend relationships counselling usually arrive when the relationship is in crisis. Re-connecting as a couple will be easier when a couple is still able to create positive experiences in spite of the relatonship difficulties. Leading relationship expert John Gottman has demonstrated the importance of building a “positive emotional bank balance” as a foundation for relationships and also to build resileince in times of stress and conflict. I have written a short summary of this issue.
   Regards,
   Ebohr Munoz

5. April on October 30th, 2007 6:24 am

   Recenely I I found some Porn Pages on my husbands computer. I was curious and I had feelings that he was looking at it for some time. I had no proof of knowing. I started Working the 15th of this month. I went to work on friday the 29th & I have saturdays and sundays off. Sence he was working these days I wanted to check. I was curious. So I checked These Porn Sites were looked at on the 29th Friday when he had off and I had to work. IT upset me so bad! He came home I would not talk to him mostly. I have not talked to him very much sence Saturday when I found out. But when I found out, he came up I asked what the heck this was about? Why would he do that?! etc etc. He told me that he was gonna stop and thats why he had his computer set for a few months to erase and put back on etc etc. I told him so you deicded to look at it one last time for old times sake. I went to the bathroom where he couldn’t follow.. Of course he started crying and bringing up his past about he went to babysiter when they were younger etc.That He stopped looking at porn a few month before he met me. He said Sence my cousin Came over and we found porn on our computer from him he said he got back into it because of that.Thats not true causehe hadn’t been over in month. Then he tells me when we were to his dads house that there was porn on the computer there.So he just started to get back in to it. He told me he would get rid of the computer and everything for me.He fixes computers for people and stuff. But I think he was just searching for me to say something about it. I am hurt,Upset,Confused and right now I feel like I can’t trust him now. Could you please help me?

6. grace on November 17th, 2007 12:16 pm

   i feel bad about your situation but its only porn. I want to have sex with someone else and I feel bad about that my husband and i have been together since 1994 with one hiccup and I want to be with his best friend. Thats a real problem every time I see him I imagine creative places to do it, not getting caught and pretending nothing ever happened. I attribute most of these feelings to circumstance he is younger, smells good and my husband uses methadone so I just want out. This whole situation is a band aid for deeper resentments towards my husband, plus I am in my thirties so sex drive is high.
   I have told him I am going to cheat on him I don’t really care any more but there is an excitement about having sex with someone else. I don’t know how his friend would be as my scapegoat he really doesn’t understand anything but having a good time.
   In any case porn is just for masturbation, I don’t see it as a problem. I think you might have some hurt feelings from not giving him permission to look at porn. As for my infidelity issue I will continue to think about it.

7. arjun on November 23rd, 2007 6:10 am

   i am in relationship with a girl right now but i am not broad minded person and my partner tell me about her past relations.she had indulge in some sexual relationship with her ex-boyfriend.they did not sex but have some cozy time with eachother.i love her but not able to forget that cozy things between them
   so please show me the right way

8. jay on December 14th, 2007 9:06 am

   so i have my boyfriend right now, but im a virgin and im planing on beeing a virgin till marriage! and hes not…but i feel that im not giving him the satisfaction he needs…i mean, men have 2 fullfill their needs right? and he is saying that he will sacrifice all that for love, but come on its not a fantasy im living!! the guy used 2 have sex a coupleof times per day, and now hes gonna sacrifice it all? i wanna make him feel satisfied, i wanna make him mine…like i am his!

9. Frank on December 21st, 2007 8:48 pm

   for the last year or so my wife has less and less interest in having sex. our relationship is not so shallow that i can’t deal with it but now it’s getting worse. we haven’t been together for a few months now and, well, it’s difficult. we’ve always enjoyed sex before, when we talk about doing it or not, she says that she just doesn’t need to do it as much as i do.
   i’ve been patient, not demanding, gentle, kind and i’ve tried all the things that used to work to turn her on….instead i’m masturbating which is no where near as fulfilling. there are days that i would love to just find someone to share intimate moments but i’m not really that type of guy, at least i don’t think i am.
   i never watched porn before but with my sex life completely trashed i’m pretty much addicted to it. its a poor replacement but it improves my private sex times, if you know what i mean.
   i really need more, where can i get help?

10. Honesty? on January 9th, 2008 9:03 pm

    I have a problem. I have had insecurity issues and social anxiety my whole life, and they have been very detrimental to my love life, to the point where I am turning 24 and have never been in a relationship of any kind. I am the definition of Virgin, I had my first French kiss this year and - well it was pretty bad. But that’s besides the point. How could I possibly explain to my partner, when I have one, that I am still a virgin and haven’t even so much as made out with someone? It terrifies me. Most people have the opposite problem - fearing their partner will think they are some kind of slut. The idea of having a conversation about past love experience fills me with dread. If I am honest about this I will look so weird, and they will wonder what is wrong with me.

11. Manoj on March 23rd, 2008 5:20 am

    HI
    I am from India, Will you please tell me how I how that my wife is ready for swinging or for threesome. We had talk about this when we do sex. But i still have doubt about this can you help me