Life doesn’t always go smoothly, have you noticed that?

It’s easy to feel in love and happy with your partner during times of success and relative calm.  But times like that don’t come along all that often. 

My husband and I figure we have had one year that was relatively free of stress. Fortunately it was the second year of our marriage. We had weathered the normal “sturm and drang” of the first year and had established a warm, trusting connection between us. We had one year to enjoy that state of marital bliss before life came along to stir things up. 

Change is Inevitable 

The old saying goes there are two things certain in life, “taxes and death”.  I would go on to add a third, change.  Change happens continually and most of the time unpredictably.  Humans don’t really like change, for the most part. We would prefer to have our routines and daily lives remain stable and secure so that we can know what to expect.  Unfortunately, this is not true to life.  Life has a way of shaking things up, sometimes at the worst possible times. 

Marriages, if they are to last, have to change as well.  They have to adapt to the flow of change in life and become more than they originally were, if they are to succeed. Most of us don’t handle it that well and the result is the amazingly high rate of divorce.  The popular belief is that we are “serial monogamists” and that it’s normal to be divorced in the 22nd Century.  But if you are like me and ever experienced a divorce,  you know there is nothing “normal” about it and it causes damage to anyone touched by it, whether you have kids or not.

So how are we to surf successfully through the storms of life and remain connected as a couple?

I am sure there are books on that particular topic, though I have to admit to never having read one.  There are lots of books on communication and deepening intimacy, but I don’t think I’ve seen any that directly address the topic of managing stressful times together as a couple.  It’s easy to feel connected to another person when things are going well, its something else altogether to stay connected when things are not going well. 

Human Nature is to Find Someone to Blame for Our Unhappiness

This is because knowing who is to blame helps us solve the problem.  If we know where the problem is we can do whatever it needs to be done to fix it.  But, in the case of marriage, that often looks like divorce.  We figure, we are unhappy, so it must because of my partner.  “Just look at (him/her) (he/she) is so (fat, addicted, mean, selfish, whatever) and obviously doesn’t care about (him/her) self or me. How can I be happy with a partner like that?” 

Ah, we have solved the problem!

Now we know what to do, …

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