Do you focus on getting A’s instead of learning in school? Do you work towards hitting your numbers rather than doing your job well? Do you worry about how much you weigh instead of how healthy and fit you are?

Then chances are you focus on the orgasm instead of just enjoying sexual experiences. And you’re missing out.

While in many aspects of your life being goal-oriented may help you achieve, it definitely isn’t helping you out in the bedroom. Goal-oriented sex, when one or both partners are just focused on orgasm, tends to be formulaic, stressful, and disconnected. Maybe you achieve your “goal” and orgasm, but you’re actually missing out on sensual and intimate lovemaking.

The cliché “life is a journey, not a destination” is one we often hear and promptly dismiss, because it isn’t a mantra that fits into our goal-oriented culture. But when it comes to sex, the more attention you pay to the “journey” – looking into your lover’s eye, enjoying each other’s bodies, connecting on a physical and emotional level – the better the “destination,” or orgasm, is.

Negative Effects of Goal-Oriented Sex

Goal-oriented sex minimally causes you to miss out on more sensual and intimate sexual experiences. At its worst, being too focused on orgasm could actually be preventing you or your partner from enjoying sex. Think about it – has your focus on your orgasm or your partner’s ever created pressure and interference? Of course it has. That’s because you are focused on the wrong thing.

Before we get to how to take the focus off orgasm to have better sex, let’s look a bit more closely at the negative effects of goal-oriented sex.

For men, goal-oriented sex can result in premature ejaculation if the excitement of orgasm is too great. It can also lead to performance anxiety around pleasing his partner. Finally, goal-oriented sex can result in a sense of entitlement to orgasm even if the woman isn’t into it.

For women, sex is often connected to her emotional or psychological state. Goal-oriented sex, then, can create such pressure to get aroused and orgasm that she often can’t do either. The context of lovemaking can be as important as the sex itself in creating pleasure.

How to Avoid Goal-Oriented Sex

If you’ve been worrying too much about the big O, slow down and take the scenic route the next time you make love. Here are three things you can try to take the pressure off orgasm and put the focus on enjoying the range of sensual pleasures in the moment.

Put the play back into sex play. Remember when you first started exploring your sexuality, you would make-out for hours without any goal other than satisfying your curiosity? Next time you fool around, don’t have intercourse. That will alleviate the pressure to orgasm via intercourse, and instead give you the chance to explore each other’s bodies again.

Be more sensual. Be conscious during your next sexual encounter to be more sensual. Take a lot of time to touch your partner with different pressures and speeds. Add some feathers, satin, or ice to your play for varied textures and temperatures. By putting more focus on the sensual experience, you’ll be more in the moment and less goal-oriented toward orgasm.

Talk. When you start your lovemaking, tell your partner what you like and describe how it feels. The communication will not only be erotic, but it will also raise your awareness to what’s happening in the moment versus letting your mind wander to think about what’s to, er, come.

Try out one or all of these tips to take off some of the pressure on orgasm, and to heighten your intimate, sexual experiences.