“Harder,” I whispered in the dark.

He tried to oblige and picked up the pace a bit.

“Harder!” I asked again. I needed it rough.

With that he stopped mid-thrust and it was game over for the night.

“I can’t treat you like that,” he said with disgust. I felt like a freak.

This was sex with my ex-husband.

Later, I had a relationship with another man, and I got him trained pretty well in the bedroom to do the things I liked, but out of the bedroom he constantly criticized me, complained that I needed to be more assertive and outgoing.

Fast forward through a handful of other brief failed relationships…

These days, I have a wonderful, loving, strong man who can give me a nice hard spanking or tie me up nice and snug. I finally found my dom – someone who can give me what I want in and out of the bedroom.

What is dom and sub?

A dominant person is a leader, likes to be in charge, is the person on top or does the tying. A submissive person is passive, a follower, is often the person being penetrated, and likes to be tied up.

A parallel to the dom/sub dichotomy is extroverted/introverted. For the most part, dom types are extroverts, and the subs are introverted. All you introverts out there know what a relief it is to have an outgoing partner who does well at parties. They take the pressure off of you.

A dom is often a boss, a politician, a lawyer. A sub is often a secretary, a jewelry maker, a massage therapist. But there’s always more than meets the eye! We’ve all heard of the high power businessman who pays a dominatrix to give him a good paddling.

So, dom or sub…which one are you?

Breaking a Pattern

I didn’t realize it, but I was habitually going for the wrong type. I have a thing for sensitive, intellectual academic types, and the men I kept ending up with had submissive personalities.

Turns out they wanted a woman who would lead the way, be in charge, wear the pants. I didn’t have that personality at all. I’m a skirt-wearing wimp. And the fact that I wanted it rough (oh fine – and that I had rape fantasies) made them nervous.

The guy who criticized me – we were one of those annoying bickering couples. And now I know that he resented me putting him in a dom role. It wasn’t comfortable for him.

Look at Your Own Relationship

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