BDSM 101 - Moving Beyond Plain Vanilla Sex
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A male friend of mine told me about something embarrassing that happened to him. He was in the throes of passionate sex with his girlfriend when, in a gesture of instinct, he put his hand over her face.
Immediately she froze in horror and blurted, âWhat are you doing?â
Well, how do you answer that? They resumed their lovemaking and talked about it afterwards. He told her he was going with the heat of the moment, and that to him it was an incredibly intimate gesture, a dominant move on his part.
She felt the opposite â she said it creeped her out and made her feel like an object. And there you have it - that one simple hand over the face gesture crossed the vanilla sex line.
What Do You Call Non-vanilla Sex?
I still havenât found a good term for non-vanilla sex â chocolate? Strawberry with sprinkles? Chili sauce? This is a little problematic, since I overwhelmingly prefer it over vanilla.
Donât get me wrong â vanilla sex has its place. But there are plenty of times when you just want to take it to â11,â like Nigel in Spinal Tap.
Taking it to â11â
First off, make sure youâve covered the vanilla basics. Have you tried sexual positions like doggy style, reverse cowgirl? Have you played all the oral sex games, even 69 (highly overrated in my opinion)?
How about places â have you branched out from bedroom? Iâm partial to the bathroom vanity myself, and the basement works well for my dungeon fantasies. How about anal sex? OK, now weâre crossing the line.
Consult the Checklist
Hopefully you have filled out the handy dandy BDSM fetish checklist I provided last month. Going through the checklist will be an eye opening experience for most couples. Youâll find out pretty quickly if one or both of you is dominant/submissive. Take turns picking a fantasy and trying it out.
Start small with blindfolds, silk scarves. A friend of mine had NO idea she liked blindfolds, until her boyfriend spontaneously wrapped her winter scarf around her head and gave her a massage on the couch. That smooth move prompted her to change her blindfold preference from a 3 to a 5 on the checklist. Instant addition to their bag of tricks!
Test Your Comfort Zone
Have You Read These Related Stories?
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- Tools of the Trade… Your BDSM Shopping List
- How to Get Your Freak On - The Beginner’s Guide to BDSM
- Ooh, It Hurts So Good: Sadism & Masochism - The Pleasure of Pain…
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While I generally like your articles, why does vanilla have to be plain? Some people like vanilla and for them, it’s anything but plain!