Ask Dan and Jennifer » Bondage, Fetishes, & Fantasies

How Do I Tell My Girlfriend About My Foot Fetish?

Kendall Ashley — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 17:00:55 +0000

A foot fetish is one of the most common fetishes in the sexual realm. Foot fetishes are usually the worship or obsession with female feet. If you want to tell your girlfriend about it, you are probably nervous about how she will take it.

It’s important to remember that every guy and girl has a fetish of something to some degree. Whether they have a thing for being dominated, oral sex or a specific body part, a fetish is just an admiration. Some guys are into breasts while others love a nice pair of legs on a girl.

An admiration for feet is not that out there and you shouldn’t be embarrassed by it. If you are still worried about telling your girlfriend about your foot fetish, there are a few things that you can do to make the situation more comfortable.

Don’t Go All In

Chances are you have already had sex with your girlfriend. During sex you have probably abstained from licking or sucking on her feet. If you have licked or sucked on her feet or toes and she has not mentioned it making her uncomfortable then half the battle is already won.

If you have not done anything to her feet then you are starting at square one. Have a healthy respect for your partner and do not try anything that is going to make her uncomfortable before you get a chance to talk to her about it.

This is pretty universal for any fetish, but it’s essential for a foot fetish. Many people find feet disgusting and this could be a huge turn off if implemented without explaining yourself first.

Don’t Be Afraid Of The Consequences

This is easier said than done, but you shouldn’t be afraid of any possible rejection. Sex is an important part of every relationship and if you are with somebody that isn’t going to accommodate you in the bedroom then they are probably not right for you.

When your girlfriend entertains your fetish she shows that she really does care about you. She should not be judgmental about your fetish as she probably has something that she’s into also. You want to be with somebody that you can express yourself openly with.

A girlfriend who is judgmental and doesn’t try to understand your foot fetish will be a lifelong hang up that you will regret. It is not uncommon and you should not feel like you’re going to be excommunicated from society after telling her about it.

Remember Her Needs

Comfort is an essential part of every relationship. When you are telling her about your likes, it’s important to realize her needs also. If she is going to entertain your foot fetish then there is probably something that you can do for her. A trade off in the bedroom is always nice because each partner gets what he or she wants. If she is going to let you worship her feet then you should be just accommodating to something that she needs.

Telling Her

Don’t tell her about it over dinner or just before you’re having sex. Arrange a time when neither of you are busy and sit her down. Just say, there’s something that I want to talk about with you. Once she is comfortable, tell her outright. Don’t beat around the bush.

Come right out and tell her in easy to understand terms. You don’t want to be explicit when you’re telling her about your foot fetish, but you want her to understand that this is an important part of your sexually and you want to implement it into your sex life. Ask her if she is comfortable enough with it and what she will not be comfortable with. The key is to get her talking honestly about the situation.

The Benefits

The benefits of talking to your partner about your foot fetish are immense. Putting that feeling in your stomach to rest and having a healthy relationship with somebody that you love is essential. When you tell her about it, ask her about anything that you can do to make her happier with your sex life.

More than likely there is something that you can do to turn her on in the bedroom. Communication is the key to any relationship. When there is no communication, secrets and resentment can set in. Talk to your girlfriend about your it. A relationship without proper communication cannot be successful so be as upfront and honest with her as possible.

When Domination Goes Wrong

Michael Webb — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 18:00:18 +0000

Domination can be fun during sex, but there’s times where it crosses the line. Are you the kind of guy that can be too rough during sex? Find out now!

Do Men Go Overboard On Purpose?

Though not really wishing to hurt or disrespect his partner, he’s just one sold to the image of a man holding his girl by the head, shoving his equipment down her throat during a blowjob. He doesn’t mean to be a pig, he just thinks it’s supposed to be that way and actually hopes his lady loves it! Not hearing any real grievances from her, he gives her a rough time.

There’s this idea that women want their men to dominate – that women want to be sexually led. I have found this assertion to be very true.

Of course, a woman wants her man to assume control. Dominance themes populate a woman’s fantasies and she cherishes the feeling of being overwhelmed, overpowered and unable to restrain her man’s carnal cravings. She wants her partner to take her, bring her unimaginable pleasure and have his way with her body. Many times, the desire for this is repressed.

Unfortunately, the manner in which many guys administer dominance, as a response to this need, suggests only a partial understanding of the concept. For many, real control is manifested when one makes a girl do something she doesn’t approve of – say, an almost impossible sex position. Or making her swallow semen even though she genuinely doesn’t want to. For them, that’s power.

What Women REALLY Want

But do you know what women actually mean when they say, “I want my man to take control”?

This: I WANT MY MAN TO TAKE CARE OF ME.

So while men gloat, “Wow, she wants me to take the lead, I can do anything I want,” women are thinking, “I just really want him to take good care of me.”

Can their thinking be more opposite?!

Being given control is no license to be unreasonable, for dominance never equals disrespect. Control need not be rude or abusive, it can be dignified and erotically irresistible at the same time. Yeah, you can probably do anything you want, but be responsible.

She gave you control in the first place because she trusts that you know what you’re doing. Leading the mattress moves gives one the opportunity to prove her right on that decision. (Why would you ever want to prove her wrong on that point?)

Every now and then, a woman craves the feeling of being roughed up. Even the non BDSM types want that. But lo and behold, rough and hard is just one of the ways. Having it as a pattern and the sole sexual theme is actually counterproductive. When you’re giving her intense anal sex, with your hands on her neck and she’s thinking, “There has to be something better than this,” that’s already something else.

How To Do Domination The Right Way

If you want to execute the dominance theme on a given night, and with the desired results, make sure of one very important thing. The proper execution of rough & hard hinges on this – HIGH AROUSAL. Not just simple arousal, but head-spinning desire, ushered in by plenty of teasing. When she’s burning with lust, that’s when rough sex can get you the desired effects. (Ironically, a successful execution of dominant sex is built through slow and gentle coaxing.)

As I’ve said, the longing to be dominated is a repressed one, and women are scarcely aware of it. What brings this impulse to surface and fore is high arousal. Unless a girl is intensely excited, she’ll be turned-off and take offense with the perceived manhandling. She won’t appreciate your overly aggressive moves; you’re being too rough with her. But when she’s burning hot, she sheds that rational, defensive normalcy of polite society and becomes very amenable to your advances.

It’s amazing how sexual palatability changes when a woman is crazy horny. Arousal gives leeway for your dominance so you can execute it with the desired results. (She may give ‘token resistance,’ but this doesn’t last very long.)

Rough and hard cannot be executed on a nightly basis as it will rapidly lose its charm – the true masters of wild sex know this. Avoid the routine trap, having it as a pattern turns one raw lover into an incompetent jerk.

What Does She Mean When She Says “Be Gentle?”

We have no scale for it, but there’s such a thing as MAN GENTLE and WOMAN GENTLE – and there’s a big difference. Gentle for you may still be rough for her. MAN GENTLE is not enough – it’s the wrong yardstick.

Why?

In case you didn’t know, men and women live in different worlds. The sensual-gentle approach does not blend in our dog-eat-dog world where we are expected to be strong and aggressive. Outside the love chambers, guys are encouraged to be rough. Gentle is lame. As cowboys, we’re highly applauded for wrestling with bulls. As business men, we vanquish the competition. As athletes, we learn to give the most punishing defense, and in return, earn multimillion dollar contracts.

And of course, women love these exploits. But they don’t live in that kind of world.

In order to approximate the female version, a man has to be extra-mild & extra-careful because the genders have different thresholds, and therefore, different judgments of what is supposed to be this or that. It is a common situation where a girl feels roughed up despite a dude’s best efforts. It should be made clear that every time she drops the “G” word on you, she’s referring to the female version of things.

4 Kinky Rough Sex Ideas

Kendall Ashley — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 14:00:54 +0000

Rough sex can turn a boring bedroom experience into something that both you and your partner look forward to. Rough sex is kinky and fun, but safety has to be taken into consideration before anything can be implemented.

A relationship is about love, but your sex life should be full of lust. If you would like to use some kinky rough sex in your sex life, there are a few ways that you can implement it without spending your mortgage at an adult store.

1. Role-Play

Role-play is fun, kinky and it doesn’t have to cost you a dime. Everybody has a scenario in their head about role-playing that gets them going. Whether you have a fantasy about being dominated by a teacher or being the dominator in the relationship, role-playing can bring out the inner wild with any couple. Talk to your partner about implementing role-playing into your sex life.

In order for this to work, she has to be on-board. If she does not play her role the both of you could spend the night in laughter instead of having sex. Ask her what kind of role-playing she would be into. Every woman has a fantasy that they want to play out so be confident that she will not think you are strange for bringing this up.

2. Domination

Domination is another rough sex idea that you can bring into your sex life. Dominating your girlfriend or having her dominate you is a great way to keep the sex interesting. Pulling her hair can show that you’re in control of the sex. Again, she has to be comfortable with this situation in order for it to work.

Talk to her about how far she wants you to go or how far you are comfortable with her going. There is always a breaking point, but she might surprise you with how far she is willing to go with the situation. Most guys are not afraid to let their girlfriends dominate them to the fullest, but you should also express concerns of what you’re comfortable with her doing to you.

3. Spanking

Spanking is another rough sex idea that you can use. Spanking is usually done in doggy style or with the girl on top. Some girls are really into this, but others are not. Make sure that your girlfriend knows that you’re going to spank her before you do it.

Do not spank her so hard that you leave a hand print on her cheek. If she wants it harder she will tell you. You can also use a whip if she’s into it. This takes the experience to a whole different level while still keeping the eroticism present.

4. Bondage

One of the best kinky rough sex ideas out there is to have her tie you up or to tie her up. When you are tied up you give away control of the situation. You give her the ability to use you as her own sex toy. This can be very hot for any guy. If you are going to tie her up, there are a few things that you should know. First, teasing her is the best way to get her off when she’s tied up. Use a vibrator to tease her or run a piece of soft fabric down her body.

This will bring her to edge and make her beg for you to go further. Secondly, don’t give her what she wants until you are ready to. When you tie her up you are in control. You are the dominant one in the situation so you call the shots. If she wants you to do something, tease her for a couple of minutes before you give in. Make minutes seem like hours and she will never forget it.

When Is Your Kink Really A Fetish?

Kendall Ashley — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 23:00:36 +0000

A kink is something someone really likes during sex – but what is a fetish, and how can you tell if your kink really is that or if it’s something more?

Who Wants A Boring Sex Life?

Nobody enjoys a boring a sex life. Having variety in the bedroom is a natural form of keeping things interesting. Doing missionary every time or knowing that somebody is going to have an orgasm right at five minutes thirty seconds into girl on top is not the most exciting way to go through life. In an effort to keep the monotony out of our sex lives we try new things.

We bring in sex toys, role-playing and other aspects of naughtiness to keep the spark. Kinkiness is essential for this, however, when does the kink turn into something more? The line between kink and fetish is kind of grey, but there are certain keys to finding out if you are just kinky or have an all out fetish. Here are the main differences between the two.

What Is Kinky?

The definition of kinky can vary from person to person depending on whom you talk to. Some people find that simply having a girl on top is kinky while others think of this as a standard sexual position. Some people will find using handcuffs in the bedroom is really kinky while others consider it a requirement. It’s not very easy to define kinky because so many people are beginning to take hold of their sexuality.

Normal loving sex with one woman and one man will usually involve the missionary position, eye contact and kissing. Many people find dirty talk to be extremely kinky. When you start talking about what kinky is it’s really up for personal interpretation. So if we don’t know what kinky is, how do we know what a fetish is? The fact of the matter is that defining this is actually much easier than defining what kinky is.

What Is A Fetish?

Defining this is actually fairly simple. This is basically when you derive sexual arousal from something that is not grouped into sexuality. For instance some people have a fetish for high heels. High heels are not directly attributed to sexuality, however, high heels are commonly referred to as sexy. High heels are a little bit different than a vibrator or a dildo.

Although a vibrator and a dildo can be seen as sexy, they are directly attributed to sexuality because they are used for giving sexual gratification. High heels are simply an accessory used to give a woman more height. While a lot of men find high heels to be an extreme turn on, most men would be able to get aroused without the presence of high heels. This takes us to our next key term in defining what this actually is.

Fixation Makes The Difference

One of the most important aspects of having a fetish is fixation. Fixation is the obsession with a characteristic, action or an inanimate object in a sexual nature. For instance, if we went back to the high heel example, this would involve a guy that could not get sexually aroused without the presence of high heels. This is much different than finding high heels extremely sexy. Wanting your girlfriend or wife to wear high heels in the bedroom once or twice is kinky, while needing your wife or girlfriend to wear high heels every time is considered a fetish.

This doesn’t have to work with objects though. You probably hear men say that they love “blondes.” If you have an affinity for blonds, but you would also date a brunette then you don’t have a fetish. If you your affinity for blondes was something more, you would not find any other color of hair acceptable or sexually desired. This can also be present in different actions.

For instance, to be fixated on voyeurism or exhibition would mean that you could not have an orgasm unless you were watching another couple having sex or unless another couple was watching you. Public sex, certain sexual positions and role-playing can also be a fetish, while doing them every once in a while is just kinky.

Affects It Can Have

A fetish can actually be a lot of fun, but there are certain ones that can be a problem for certain relationships. They can also be draining for the other person. Always having to wear high heels to give you an orgasm or acting out a certain scene cuts down on the spontaneity of the moment. Always remember that your likes and dislikes should be considered just as much as your partner’s needs. Never forget that a relationship works two ways and nobody can get their way all the time.

Domination 101 – The Basics

Kendall Ashley — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 23:00:54 +0000

Domination is something that is enjoyed by millions of people around the world. It is usually associated with whips, chains, leather and latex. Although these can be a part of this sex activity, the concept is more of an emotion than a physical object. Using a black leather whip and beating somebody to death is not the purpose of it. One of the biggest issues with this is safety. Making sure that you and your partner are safe and comfortable is critical to having a good experience in the bedroom. If you have an interest in domination, there are a several things that you should know beforehand. Here is a short guide to help you out.

What Is Domination?

Domination is a very basic term. You have probably already experienced this and didn’t even know it. The dominant partner is the one who is steering the experience. The antithesis of dominance is submission. If you tend to steer the experience or initiate sex more often then you are the dominant one in the bedroom. This is much different than the other aspects of your relationship. One of you could be dominant in the bedroom but submissive with everyday decisions like where to eat. The more dominant person in bed will be the one who changes the positions or sets the pace for the sexual rhythm.

The Appeal

There are a lot of reasons that people are into this. For some people with high paying jobs or social anxiety it’s easier to allow somebody to make all of the decisions for them. Giving away control is one of the biggest turn-ons for people who are into it. When you are making decisions all day, having somebody come in and tell you what to do is a change of pace that takes your mind off the pressures of work, school or other aspects of your life. Domination is an aspect of every part of society. It doesn’t matter who you are, you always answer to somebody. Having someone answer to YOU in the bedroom is an erotic way of letting loose and relieving the pressures of life.

Safety Matters!

When people first start out, they usually don’t take safety as seriously as they should. Safety is an essential part of every sexual experience, but it’s especially important with domination. Sex has a way of escalating. When you are comfortable with one aspect of sex you or your partner might try to implement something that you aren’t ready for simply because you’re caught up in the moment. Take precautions by implementing a safe word. A safe word is something that you would not normally say in the bedroom. “Falcon” is an example that could be used because you would probably never say this in the middle of sex. When you or your partner says the safe word you will know that they are uncomfortable with the situation or that they are in pain.

Trust Is Important

Trust is another issue with this, as you must trust your partner to not take the experience too far. Many people get off on finding a stranger to dominate them, but this isn’t recommended. Having a loving relationship with a little kink in the bedroom is healthy. Meeting somebody on Craigslist to tie you up and spank you incessantly is not a recommendation to endorse. Make sure that your partner are comfortable with everything by talking about it beforehand. Find out what they are not comfortable with so you know before you have sex. This is also a way to find out what really turns them on.

It is a great way to easily add a little spice to your relationship. It’s only natural for one partner to be more dominant than the other in the bedroom. If you or your partner is more dominant and it turns you on, talk to your partner about exploring the possibility of taking the dominance to the next level. There are very simple forms of domination that can be effective without the use of straps or whips. Holding your partners hands down or light spanking in the moment are effective without being too “out there.”

It’s important to remember that we experience domination every day through work and other aspects of our life. Getting off on it doesn’t make you strange. Bringing your fantasies to the forefront of your relationship can improve communication and your sex life. Talk to your partner about implementing more of this into your sex life and you will see a vast improvement in your closeness.

Best Kink, Fetishes & BDSM Articles Of 2011

Kaylen Jackson — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 14:00:35 +0000

Kink, BDSM and fetishes are becoming more popular as people are indulging their “dark sides.” More and more couples are looking to kinky sex in an effort to spice up their sex lives, while other players are simply seasoned lovers of BDSM and kink. Check out our favorite naughty articles of the year and have fun trying out all the tips!

Don’t miss out on our all time, most popular BDSM, kink and fetish articles!

We’ve also had a lot of fun this year trying out different sex toys – we’ve been reviewing them so we can give you the lowdown on what toys are super hot and which ones are definitely not. Take a few minutes to check out our favorites for bondage, domination or just plain kinky sex!

Under The Bed Restraint System (our personal favorite for beginner’s bondage play!)
The Rhino Penis Extension & Sexual Solution (Great if she likes that “full” feeling, or deep and hard penetration)
Petite Vibrating Nipple Teasers (these warm up and vibrate, but are made for small nipples – also can be used for the clitoris!)

Top 10 Most Common Kinks & Fetishes

Dan and Jennifer — Mon, 03 Oct 2011 14:00:17 +0000

BDSM, kinks and fetishes are actually more prevalent than you may think. Check out the ten most popular kinks & fetishes!

Foot Fetish

People with a foot fetish get sexually aroused by women’s feet. A foot fetish and a shoe fetish are often mistaken for one another – people with a shoe fetish are sexually aroused by shoes and feet in them, but usually not by feet in general. Those with a foot fetish are the exact opposite – they are sexually aroused by feet, which may or may not include footwear. This could be in the form of just looking at feet, licking and sucking on them or involving them in sexual activity.

Role Playing

Tons of people enjoy role playing, whether they’re avid BDSM enthusiasts or couples that could be considered relatively “vanilla.” Role play is so much fun, because it allows you to experience different sexual fantasies without going too far outside your box (or outside your relationship). Some sex role play fantasies include:

Hot nurse (or doctor), ailing patient
Teacher, naughty student
Sexy cop, person getting arrested

Breasts

It’s no secret that a big number of guys have a breast fetish! Most guys absolutely love breasts and will watch porn that features women with large breasts or sexual acts taking place with breasts, and they’ll also pay special attention to their lover’s breasts during sex. Some guys will enjoy grossly enlarged breasts (we’re talking HUGE), while others just like ones that are pretty big. Men with breast fetishes may have a particular interest in nipples, but not all of them will.

Butts

It’s also not at all uncommon for some guys to be aroused by butts – especially the nice, large, round variety. Most guys with a special attraction towards butts are going to enjoy rear entry sex positions. They may also really like anal sex. Interestingly enough, there are many guys who are “butt guys” and many guys who are “breast” guys, but very few men (if any) are actually both.

Public Sex

People love the idea of having public sex. There’s just something about having sex around other people – who could possibly see you – that seriously gets people off! Some couples may role play the idea of having public sex – or choose to do it somewhere really discreet where it’s almost impossible to get caught – while others really will get it on out in the open, without regard to getting caught. For some, the idea of getting caught (and actually getting caught) is the biggest turn on of all.

Shoe Fetish

Again, a shoe fetish is a largely popular form of sexual gratification – but it is often mistaken for a foot fetish. A shoe fetish is going to be specifically centered around shoes (and sometimes feet in them). The shoes are almost always high heels, and often very “bondag-ey” looking. Fetish footwear often includes lots of straps, buckles and leather! Some shoe enthusiasts feel like the higher the heel, the better.

Piercings & Tattoos

People have long linked pain with pleasure, and many people will say that there’s a fine line between the two. It’s not hard to figure out that there’s a lot of people on this planet that enjoy not only getting piercings and tattoos, but being around other people that have them as well. However, did you know that a lot of people who enjoy piercings and tattoos get sexually aroused by them? They will be more inclined to have sex with someone that is pierced or tattooed than someone who isn’t, and may even be sexually aroused by the process of getting tattooed or pierced.

Domination & Submission

This is also one of the more popular forms of BDSM & fetishes, because so much fun can be had if you’re creative with domination and submission. Some people have a personality that leans more towards a dominant nature, while others will have a more submissive personality. This can work really well in couples, because dominant and submissive personalities will usually feed off each other.

Rough Sex

This goes back to pleasure being linked to pain. Many couples enjoy BDSM and rough sex, which may include:

Slapping
Spanking
Biting
Restraints
Hard and fast penetration that typically goes deeper than “normal”

Certain Fabrics

Believe it or not, it’s not at all uncommon for people to be aroused by the feel and texture of certain fabrics when they rub up against the skin. This can include:

Satin
Silk
Leather
Rubber
Velvet

People who are sexually aroused by different kinds of fabric will often have pajamas, lingerie or their sheets that are made of this particular fabric.

Q&A: MILF Fantasy – I Want To Have Sex With My Step-Mom!

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 08 Sep 2011 14:00:27 +0000

A MILF fantasy is actually quite common – there are many guys out there that either have or had a really hot step-mother who they couldn’t help but be attracted to! Of course it’s inappropriate, but lots of guys experience it. Most of the time, it passes and nothing more is ever said about it. But just what do you do when all you can think about is getting it on with your stepmother?

Question: I have a fantasy of having sex with my step mom. Almost every day she wears these pants that when she bends over you can see her ass perfectly, and my urges keep getting more and more frequent! I’ve gone to many other people, all with no help. She is also about to get breast implants, so that makes it all the worse! Your videos have helped me out a lot, so please help me on this one!

–YouTube Viewer

A MILF Fantasy Is Perfectly Normal

Boys, especially those going through puberty, are going to be attracted to random hot women, possibly all hot women. If your stepmother is hot, it’s not out of the ordinary that you would have a sexual fantasy about her! Lots of guys have gone through or are going through the same thing. You’re just attracted to a hot woman who just happens to be your step-mother. You don’t have to make it any more complicated than that.

Acting On Your Fantasy

While a MILF fantasy is actually very common, it’s not one that you can act on. Even if you’re over the age of eighteen and you and your step-mother are both consenting, you’re still going to hurt a lot of people if you make that decision. Your family would likely be very hurt and feel very betrayed if you and your step-mother got it on.

If you’re under age, that’s a whole different ball game – things could be much worse if you did anything about your fantasy. Also, it’s likely that your step-mother most absolutely does not share this fantasy, and you could damage your relationship with her and the rest of your family if you tell her that you think about her sexually.

You can’t help that you’re having this fantasy, so what do you do? If you end up masturbating every day while thinking about your step-mother, you’re not going to be the first guy that has ever done that. Masturbation is an excellent relief for fantasies that you just can’t be a part of in real life. However, if you actually act on your fantasy, you could be crossing a line that you can never un-cross.

Consider Counseling

If your MILF fantasy really bothers you and you just can’t get away from it (and you really want to) consider counseling. There’s nothing wrong with seeing an unbiased counselor or third party that can help you talk through your feelings and problems. People put so much stigma on going to a therapist – especially for sex related issues – but if you want to get to the root of the problem, therapy is about as good as it gets.

Don’t think that seeing a therapist automatically makes you a weaker guy. What counseling can do is help you talk through your issues and learn the tools you need to become a better person and live a happier, more fulfilled life. On a side note, talking to your step-mother about this fantasy of yours is probably not a good idea.

Redirect That Energy Elsewhere

If counseling isn’t something you can or want to do, think about ways you can redirect this energy. Think about what it is about your step-mother that turns you on so much. Is it her physique? Perhaps she has a nice butt or legs that just won’t quit. If you can isolate just what it is about her that turns you on, you can redirect that energy to adult films and magazines that feature women with large butts, long legs, or whatever it is that you think turns you on the most.

Even if you can’t find something in particular, there is surely going to be another girl you find attractive. Exploring magazines, websites, films and art can help you find other women to look at that also turn you on. If you’re old enough and dating is an option, get more social and talk to girls.

You may be attracted to your step-mother’s personality, simply because you haven’t been close or conversed much to other women. Dating can help you redirect your energy into finding a girl that you’re attracted to that you can get to know without the repercussions that getting involved with your step-mother would bring.

Bondage 101: What Every Player Needs To Know!

Dan and Jennifer — Mon, 29 Aug 2011 14:00:33 +0000

Bondage is a sexual practice that involves restraints and the immobilization of a submissive partner for sexual gratification. Although it can be done for art, as in the case Shibari (Japanese rope bondage), but it is largely practiced during sex. It can be done with a number of mediums, including handcuffs (of both the metal and fuzzy variety), rope, Japanese silk rope, masks, gags and more.

Why Is It So Popular?

Bondage is popular for many different reasons. For some, the act of tying their lover up or being tied up is in some way liberating. Part of the appeal is that there are two very different roles required to make it happen – the dominant one, or the “top” and the submissive one, or the “bottom.” People are naturally inclined to be either a little more submissive or a little more dominant – and whichever role they seem to lean towards appeals to their inner desires in a bondage scenario.

How To Introduce It To A Nervous Partner

If someone who really enjoys the bondage and fetish world lands in a relationship with someone who has never tried it before, it can be quite nerve wracking. The partner with expertise in the area often wonders how to introduce their fantasies to their newbie lover, and they are of course, terrified of scaring them off or freaking them out.

The best way to introduce any type of sexual fetish, including bondage, to a person that has never tried it before is to start small and work your way up. Don’t bring in a huge ball gag and frightening looking metal cuffs for the first time.

Try a little light restraining with something benign like fuzzy handcuffs. Pair the restraint scenario with a favorite sexual activity of theirs that you know they absolutely love – like oral sex. Associating something new with something they already love sexually is a great way to put a positive spin on something that could otherwise be really “outside their box.”

As your partner gets more and more into it, you can talk to them about their fantasies (you’ll definitely want to give them the opportunity to express and act out their own sexual fantasies too) and gradually work your way up to whatever level of restraint you and your partner are most aroused by and comfortable with.

Experimenting With Restraints During Sex & Masturbation

Lovers of bondage as well as those who are new to it can play during sex with a partner or alone, during masturbation. While restraint scenarios are much easier to get into when there’s a partner involved, singles don’t have to give up their BDSM lives during their singledom just because someone else isn’t there to tie them up. Try wearing a ball gag or handcuffs during masturbation.

There are also lots of great places to meet fellow bondage and fetish enthusiasts, especially if you live in a larger city. If you’re single and are either looking for a romance with a dom or sub, or just want to engage in some casual play, there are tons of resources out there.

How To Get Started

If you’re new to bondage, whether you’re interested in experimenting with it on your own or have a partner that wants to get you into it, it can be a little intimidating getting started from scratch. Your first order of business is to invest in a few good tools of the trade. A basic silk rope or a restraint kit is perfect for beginner’s arm and leg restraint. A feather tickler and a paddle are also fun ways to get started with pain and pleasure play.

What’s New In Bondage & Fetish?

There is always something new and exciting in bondage & fetish, because the whole idea is to push the boundaries of what is acceptable and what isn’t. BDSM enthusiasts are always trying to push the envelope, so there’s always something different to find.

Recent adult films and many fetish-centric websites show some of the never before seen, don’t-try-this-at-home restraint scenarios, while many adult toy stores are starting to shelve some of the newest and sexiest bondage gear out there.

No matter what you’re looking for, whether it’s a beginner’s kit and a very vanilla video or a leather whip and a ball gag that you definitely wouldn’t want company to see, it’s out there. Bondage is sex, it’s art and it’s loved by many!

Q&A: Can I Get Rid Of My Fetish?

Dan and Jennifer — Sun, 28 Aug 2011 15:12:46 +0000

A fetish is a common thing for some people to have, and most men and women have a fetish of some kind or another. You’ve probably heard of many different kinds of fetishes, from a foot fetish to bondage and more. Most individuals indulge in their fantasy without thinking about it, but what do you do if you want to get RID of yours?

Question: I just finished watching your video about the teenager who is a macrophile, which motivated me to ask my question. I am a 16 y/o female and have been into omorashi my whole life. I don’t know when it started, but I can remember this fetish existing back to age 3. I hate it, I think it’s gross, I don’t know why it started, and I want to get rid of it. Can I do that? It is the only thing I get off on (for lack of a better term) and I don’t want it to be. I feel like a freak. Can you guys help me? Also, if I can’t get rid of it, how do I go about telling a future boyfriend/husband about this?

–YouTube Viewer

What Is Omarashi?

Omarashi is the Japanese term for a “panty wetting” fetish. It’s not necessarily the act of urinating in the underwear that is arousing to Omarashi enthusiasts, it’s the act of “waiting until you can’t hold it anymore” that is the turn on. This can also be called bladder desperation. While enthusiasts find the actual wetting arousing, they may also be sexually attracted to the feeling of having a full bladder or to someone else who is experiencing the feeling of a full bladder.

Most Fetishes Aren’t Harmful

Some people are freaked out by their own fantasy more so than they are the fetishes of others – which is saying something, considering that it’s common for them to think that their own fantasy is “normal” while what other individuals enjoy is “strange” or “weird.” However, most fetishes are actually completely harmless. Some individuals may think a foot fetish is odd (even the person with the fetish), but in all actuality, there’s nothing harmful at all about enjoying feet sexually or collecting sexy shoes and high heels.

Even “stranger” fetishes like wetting, macrophilia, infantophilia or diaper fetish, and cuckoldism among others are completely harmless, although they wouldn’t necessarily be considered “normal” by most. As long as no one is getting hurt and everything that happens is between consenting adults, there’s really nothing wrong with any fantasy that’s out there.

Don’t Let Others Judge You – And Don’t Judge Yourself

If you’re ashamed of your fantasy or prefer to keep it hidden, you probably don’t have to worry about others judging you. However, some fetish enthusiasts can be pretty hard on themselves for liking what they like – and if it’s not hurting anyone and you’re still able to lead a relatively normal and fulfilling life, there’s no reason to be so critical of what you enjoy. If you have a different sort of fantasy that might hurt someone or something like rape or bestiality, it’s important to seek help as soon as possible. However, if it’s not hurting anyone and it still bothers you, try to think about what exactly it is that freaks you out about it.

What Bothers You About It?

Find out what it is about your fantasy that bothers you – what exactly is it that you find distasteful in what you enjoy? Is it because you and others see it as “dirty” or “wrong” or is it due to hygiene issues or anything else? There are tons of possible reasons as to why something that you enjoy sexually might gross you out or bother you in some way – it’s your job to dig around and find out which one it is. Once you isolate the real issue, only then can you begin to resolve it.

Getting Rid Of A Fetish Because It’s Overtaking Your Life

If you have a fantasy that is overtaking your life and you’re unable to live a normal, healthy and happy life, getting rid of it is definitely in order. Here are some signs that it’s going too far:

It’s all you ever think about. For example, with a masturbation addiction, masturbation will nearly consume the thoughts of the addict. How often are you thinking about your fetish?
You can’t afford it and it hurts you financially.
It affects your relationships with your friends, family and significant others.

How To Overcome It

You most likely want to see an unbiased counselor that you’re comfortable with to talk through your issues with your fantasy. A lot of people with issues they’re ashamed of won’t go see a counselor, however, it’s pretty difficult to work through something like this on your own. This goes back to not letting anyone judge you – there’s nothing wrong with seeking help, ever. If you’re seeking help for any problem that you have and you’re committed to working through it, more power to you. Don’t let anyone bring you down! Also, remember that everything that goes on at a counselor’s office is confidential.

Redirect The Energy To Something Else

Whenever you feel the urge to engage in your fantasyg, think about consciously redirecting that energy to doing something else. For example, instead of looking at porn, try to meditate or do yoga. Pick up a hobby that you really enjoy such as painting or working on cars and do that whenever you feel the urge to engage in your fetish come on. Try getting out of the house – take a walk or adopt a pet that requires a fair amount of your time and attention.

Accepting Your Fantasies

Your sexual fantasies may not be something you are able to rid yourself of – let’s face it, people like what they like and sometimes you can’t change that. If your fetish isn’t hurting anyone and it only involves consenting adults, consider simply accepting it. Consider not letting anyone judge you for it, including yourself! There are individuals out there that enjoy the same things you do, or enjoy things that would be complementary to what you enjoy, like with BDSM where a submissive personality and a dominant personality get together and enjoy their fantasies. If you can’t make it go away of it, learn to accept it!

Q&A: BDSM & Rape Fantasies – How To Make Them Safe And Fun

Dan and Jennifer — Mon, 22 Aug 2011 14:00:58 +0000

BDSM and rape fantasies can be fun when no one gets hurt. Real rape is no joke – if you want to engage in this type of fantasy, it needs to be between consenting adults who are comfortable with pushing the boundaries. Here’s how to indulge in your BDSM fantasy without going too far.

Question: Hey guys, I am a BDSM master. I’ve had a lot of people ask me about rape fantasy sex with their partner. I’ve told them, just like an BDSM act, it has to be discussed beforehand and have a safe word chosen. Would you please do a video on this subject? Thanks!

–YouTube Viewer

What Is A Rape Fantasy?

A rape fantasy, in the right context, is actually just a domination/submission role play game. Some people enjoy being dominant over their partners while others enjoy being submissive. When you have a couple where one partner wants to dominate the other and the other enjoys being dominated, you can have a lot of fun with BDSM play.

Domination and submission is actually incredibly popular, although a lot of it stays underground for fear of being judged on sexual preferences. Rape is forced sex, and a rape fantasy is where you pretend to force someone to have sex or pretend that you’re being forced to have sex. It can be fun and enjoyable if it’s under the right circumstances and safe for everyone involved.

Communicate With Your Partner

While communication during sex is important no matter what you’re doing, it becomes essential when you’re doing something that is so far towards the edge of what is okay and what isn’t okay. You want to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner about what crosses the line and what doesn’t, because if the line is crossed, someone can get hurt, even if neither partner meant for it to happen.

Talk to your partner about what is okay and how far you can go, while also discussing where you don’t want to go and how far is too far. Talk about it beforehand – don’t wait until you’re doing it to say “Hey, I’m not sure I like that.” You and your partner both need to know exactly what you can do and what you can’t do before you ever get started. This is one of those situations where you don’t push the envelope past what you and your lover previously agreed to.

Also, make sure you’re with someone you trust. You don’t want to be acting out a BDSM rape fantasy with someone you just met at a club – because it very well could turn into real rape or you could get hurt. Make sure you and your lover both know and trust each other well before engaging in any activity of this nature.

Come Up With A Safe Word And Gesture

During any BDSM act, it is important to have a safe word or gesture prepared in case one partner wants the play to stop immediately. If it hurts, or you’re getting scared and just aren’t into it anymore, it’s important that you have a word you can say that lets your lover know that all play needs to stop right then and there. A safe word is something you don’t say very often, especially not in the bedroom.

“Stop!” or “No, don’t, that hurts!” are very bad safe words, because for doms and subs, this type of language is actually erotic. A safe word can be anything like, “purple pony,” “fried tomatoes,” or “Troy Aikman” – anything that you wouldn’t normally use in a sexual conversation is perfect. That way, your partner knows you want to stop ASAP.

A safe gesture is also a good thing to decide on before trying out a rape fantasy, especially if you and your partner enjoy using gags of any kind. A gag will prevent someone from speaking, so although they may be shouting “purple pony!” to try to get you to stop, it may only come out as gargled moans – which can be erotic if you’re a dom. So choose a safe gesture as well. It could be flipping the bird or the Vulcan salute – anything that can’t be confused with random movement of the hands. If your partner sees you make the gesture, they need to stop immediately, just as they would with a safe word.

How Do You Get Started With A Rape Fantasy?

Even if you’re experienced in the world of BDSM, it’s generally not a good idea to jump right into a rape fantasy. This is definitely something you want to start slow with, and work your way up. Start with some light domination, or a little bit of bondage and then gradually work your way up to more bondage and restraint, while adding in sexual language that is suggestive of pretend forced sex. You can also find your boundaries this way – going slow and working your way up to bigger things will allow you to find out if you’re comfortable with something or not before really diving head first into it.

What To Do If It Goes Too Far

Even though you’re just pretending, it can be really easy for a rape fantasy to go too far, too quickly. Don’t ever be afraid to use your safe word or gesture, and don’t be afraid to stop. Don’t think that your partner likes it so you should keep going – if YOU don’t like it or it’s hurting YOU, it’s important that you stop the play right away! You can always try again later if you really want to.

If your partner uses the safe word, make sure you’re the one stopping. That’s where trust comes in during BDSM and rape fantasies – you have to trust that your partner will stop immediately if the safe word is used and your partner has to trust that you’ll do the very same.

Real Rape Is No Joke

Although it’s perfectly fine to enact rape fantasies and play pretend when you’re with a partner you trust, real rape is not a joke! It doesn’t matter if you’re married, single, gay, straight, male or female – if you’re forcing someone else to have sex or sexual contact against their will, it is rape! If you have fantasies or feelings about actually raping someone against their will, talk to a counselor. Seek help, because these are not safe or natural feelings to have. You could hurt yourself or someone else, and get in a lot of trouble in the process. If you’ve flirted with the idea of actually raping someone, talk to a counselor right away!

Extreme Bondage – 7 Tools That Advanced Players Should Have On Hand

Kaylen Jackson — Sun, 31 Jul 2011 14:00:47 +0000

Extreme bondage can be fun if you’re really into hardcore sex and kink. For serious fans of kink, chintzy blindfolds and Velcro cuffs just aren’t going to give you the same thrill as something with leather and metal. If you dig the BDSM scene, here are seven must haves for your sultry lair.

A Whip Or Wooden Paddle

Submissive personalities enjoy receiving pain, while dominant personalities enjoy giving it. While couples who dabble in light bondage play rarely go farther than a feather tickler or a light smack on the rear with their hands. However, men and women who enjoy extreme bondage need something with a little more “kick.”

A whip or wooden paddle is a excellent item to have on hand if for more intense pain. A padded paddle will be softer against the skin and is less likely to leave a deep red mark or bruising, while a wooden paddle can easily break the blood vessels in the skin when used for spanking.

Japanese Silk Rope

Restraint is the core of extreme bondage, and serious BDSM fans will have no shortage of cuffs or ties around. However, Japanese silk rope is one of the best forms of restraint around. It is smoother against the skin than traditional rope, and allows people to get into some incredibly artistic positions. While beginners can use Japanese silk rope and have a lot of fun with it, those who enjoy extreme bondage will get a lot more out of it.

A Leash & Collar Set

Domination is a common activity in extreme bondage situations, and nothing makes you feel as dominant – or your partner as submissive – as a leash and collar set. You can have tons of sexy fun leading your partner around on the leash or letting them lead you around. The leash can also come in handy in more kinky domination scenarios.

When purchasing a leash and collar set, choose a collar that both looks good and feels good on, because you may want to wear it awhile. Keep safety factors in mind and never wear a collar that hurts or is made from cheap materials. Your leash should be similar.

A Spreader Bar

Nothing provides the dom a view as good as a spreader bar does, while still keeping the sub restrained. Spreader bars come in many shapes and sizes, and can restrain anything from just the feet to the whole body. Typically, the bar is used to spread the legs wide to expose the penis or vagina, and can definitely add extra excitement to an extreme bondage scenario.

A Hood

Forget blindfolds! Serious BDSM fans will appreciate a hood instead. A hood typically covers the entire face, but may leave the eyes and mouth exposed. In some hoods, only the eyes are exposed and in others, only the mouth is exposed. Your partner will truly feel submissive when you slip the hood over their heads and have them obey your commands.

A hood that covers the mouth should be made from a material that is breathable, or be constructed in a way that allows for easy and comfortable breathing. An extreme bondage scenario can go from fun to bad in a hurry if your partner can’t breathe through their hood.

Nipple Clamps Or Vibrators

Nipple play is a lot of fun during kinky sex, although many beginners don’t use clamps or vibrators much due to the intense pain factor. However, if you’re really into feeling pain mixed with pleasure, nipple clamps or vibrators will definitely do the trick. Some BDSM fans are tempted to use good old fashioned clothespins as clamps, and while the look can definitely be appealing, they’re more dangerous.

Clothespins will easily bruise the nipples and may cause such intense pain that the sub wants to stop. You can have a lot more fun with adjustable clamps, because they allow you to dial up the intensity gradually!

A Suspension Kit

For a dom, there are few things sexier than seeing his or her sub suspended in the air while being restrained. If you’re really into the BDSM scene, a suspension kit is an absolute must have. If you’re short on funds or don’t have the space for a heavy duty suspension kit, you can have just as much fun with a love swing or an over the door model.

Make sure that your suspension kit is built to hold you and your partner’s weight combined, and that it’s made from quality materials that will hold up over time.

Should You Try Water Bondage?

Kaylen Jackson — Sun, 24 Jul 2011 14:00:27 +0000

Water bondage is form of restraint that includes playing with water in addition to ropes, ties and gags. Having sex in the pool or shower is definitely fun, and restraining your partner can be too. Should you combine the two and try water bondage? Or is it really something better left to the hardcore sex lovers?

What Is Water Bondage?

Water bondage is a type of BDSM sex act where water is used in addition to ropes, restraints, gags and other equipment. The sub in this situation is usually tied up or gagged, and either sprayed or dunked. Often, the sprays are strong and painful, as this is a part of the “torture” involved in this type of activity.

Sometimes a Houdini tank is used in professional scenarios, and in intense situations, a breathing apparatus may be used as well. Breath play involves dunking the sub underwater and forcing them to hold their breath for as long as possible, giving them the sensation of pressure on their lungs and invoking the fear of drowning.

Is Water Bondage Dangerous?

Water bondage can be very dangerous if not done properly, especially when working with a large body of water. It’s not something that should be taken lightly – it’s a very, very hardcore form of domination and most people aren’t going to be into it. You really have to be enjoy the pain or fear factor to enjoy it. Here’s why it can be more dangerous than it is fun and why you might want to leave it to the professionals:

Dunking

Dunking can be especially dangerous, because the sub is not able to speak or make gestures to let someone know if they are running out of air. This can easily cause the sub to drown, because no one really knows how long they can really hold their breath. If the dom is particularly aroused by the dunking, he or she may be more apt to leave the sub underwater for longer than they can handle.

Spraying

Spraying is another popular form of water bondage, which includes spraying high pressure streams on the sub while they are tied up or restrained. The higher the pressure, the more it hurts, so in some scenarios, the sprays will be from high pressure, industrial type hoses. In soft core scenarios, the sprays may be from a shower head or a regular hose.

Staying Safe

While this is an extreme form of BDSM and is therefore dangerous in and of itself, there are some ways that you can try to stay as safe as possible if you decide to engage in an activity like this. Going for light bondage or sex in the water can be a great way to get your “feet wet” so to speak, without engaging in the type of activity that hardcore BDSM fans like to do.

Don’t Use Gags

While a gag can be fun during other types of BDSM play, it can take the danger level of water bondage up quite a bit. Being submerged or sprayed heavily can make it difficult or impossible to breathe. A gag also makes it difficult to breathe, and when you combine the two, it can be almost impossible for a sub to catch his or her breath properly. Choose one or the other, but avoid using both.

Avoid Submersion

Submersion or dunking is probably the most intense part of this form of BDSM and is probably the most dangerous. Some hardcore fetish websites feature women or men being chained or tied up in a tub or tank, where they are barely able to get their heads out enough to breathe. This may seem erotic, but it’s actually incredibly dangerous. Spray your sub with a hose, but avoid submerging them.

Come Up With A Safe Word/Gesture

With any BDSM play, it’s important to have a safe word picked out before you start. With hardcore play, a gesture might be in order if a gag is being used or the sub cannot speak for other reasons. If you’re using a gag, do not bind the hands so much that the safe gesture cannot be used and if the hands are bound, do not gag the mouth so the safe word cannot be used. Make sure that both the dom and the sub agree that all play stops immediately if the safe word or gesture is used!

Amateur Bondage – 8 Tools That Beginners Should Have On Hand

Kaylen Jackson — Mon, 11 Jul 2011 14:00:53 +0000

Amateur bondage can be incredibly hot when you’ve never done it before. It can bring some much needed spice to the bedroom when you’ve hit a sex rut with your partner, or it can simply be exciting to masturbate in a way that you never have before. Amateur bondage will let you experience all the excitement of being tied up, spanked, tickled and manipulated, without the freakishness that hardcore bondage can have. Check out these ten must have items for beginners.

A Soft Rope Or Silk Restraints

First order of business when it comes to amateur bondage is to get yourself some form of restraints. Restraints are the cornerstone of bondage! You may think you can tie your partner up with just anything you have lying around the house, but think again! If you really want to get a feel for amateur bondage and have the most pleasurable experience possible, you’re going to want to invest in something made for this kind of play.

Japanese bondage rope is great to play with because it is soft and silky, but it will keep someone restrained quite nicely. Other great options for beginners are the Sportsheets Under The Bed Restraint System or fuzzy handcuffs. Just don’t opt for anything like a stockade or metal chastity devices. These are for advanced users only!

A Feather Tickler

Part of the excitement of being tied up is having your partner do things to you that you don’t know are coming or that you can’t do anything to stop. Amateur bondage players don’t necessarily want to whip their partner into submission, so creating different, unexpected sensations is what amateur bondage is all about.

A feather tickler is a perfect item for beginners, because it doesn’t hurt but it will still create incredible sensations on your partner’s skin or genitals – wherever you choose to use it. While your partner is restrained and blindfolded, alternate between lightly spanking them and tickling them with the feather tickler. Your lover won’t know what to expect next and they certainly won’t be in any position to stop you!

A Breathable Gag

Gags are popular in the BDSM community, but many of them can be quite intimidating for beginners. There are, however, a variety of breathable gags that can be used for amateur bondage so you can have the fun of using a gag without the scariness of a gag that doesn’t allow for easy breathing.

While open mouth gags and pony bit gags are more breathable than some of their counterparts, they tend to look pretty frightening, especially if you’re a beginner. A small, soft, breathable ball gag is your best bet. There are even training kits that have a variety of gag sizes so you can start small and work your way up.

A Blindfold

A blindfold is essential during amateur bondage and BDSM play, because sometimes you don’t want your lover to know what you’re doing – or what you’re going to do next. Sometimes, you want to be the one wearing the blindfold! You can use things around the house, such as a silk tie or scarf, but a blindfold purchased from a sex toy store is going to be a lot more comfortable and it’s going to fit a lot better.

When choosing a blindfold, stick to something soft, silky or fur lined. There are lots of blindfolds available on the market, ranging from pink and flirty to entire face masks that look like something out of Hellraiser. Stick to the basic blindfolds at first! They will do their job just as well, without freaking you or your partner out.

A Padded Or Fur Lined Paddle

Experiencing both pain and pleasure is another essential part of amateur bondage and BDSM play. Whether you want to give or receive, mixing pleasure and pain is an incredible experience and it’s part of why BDSM play is so popular! There are lots of devices on the market that will help you introduce pain to your lover, but many of them are just too “out there” for beginners.

Instead, consider getting a padded or fur lined paddle for spanking. Spanking can actually be very pleasurable, and the rear is a great place to direct pain since it doesn’t bruise easily and is well hidden if it does. A padded or fur lined paddle will help the giving partner experience domination, while the receiver gets to experience pain mixed with pleasure without worrying about being seriously hurt in the process.

Various Sex Toys Of Your Choice

Once your partner is all tied up and blindfolded, then what are you going to do? Have some of your favorite sex toys on hand to please your partner with. Having more than one at your disposal is a good idea, because you want to keep them expecting new and different sensations.

A vibrator is a must have for women, because you can experiment with light to firm pleasure – almost to the point where it’s too much – while they’re restrained and unable to see what you’re doing. For men, a masturbation sleeve is a good option. Alternate between the masturbation sleeve and your hand. If they’re into anal penetration, have a butt plug or anal beads with you. As always, don’t forget the lube!

Surgical Scissors

Even though you’re only experimenting with amateur bondage, it’s important that you have items available to remove your partner from their restraints as quickly as possible if something goes wrong. Surgical scissors fit the bill, because they’ll easily cut through just about any type of rope or leather restraints. If you’re using handcuffs, make sure you have the key very close by and an extra hidden elsewhere.

A Safe Word Or Gesture

Never, ever engage in any type of BDSM play or amateur bondage without deciding on a safe word or gesture first. A safe word is something that you say – that is completely unrelated to anything you might or could possibly say during play that when said or heard, all play stops immediately. For example, “purple pony,” “pink tomato” or “umbrella penguin” are all great safe words. You or your partner can use the safe word if things get to be too much, and always, always honor the safe word if your partner says it – even if you aren’t ready to stop playing.

A safe gesture is also a good idea to have, because there are times when a partner is unable to speak – for example, if they are wearing a gag. A gesture can be anything you want, as long as it can be clearly distinguished from any other hand movements a person might make when experiencing pleasure and pain. For example, the middle finger is a pretty good gesture – it’s hard to pull that one off on accident.

Bondage 101: How To Get Started With Bondage

Dan and Jennifer — Fri, 24 Jun 2011 14:00:47 +0000

Bondage can be fun, but how do you begin if you’ve never tried it before? It’s easy to get intimidated when you start checking it out, because there is some seriously hardcore stuff out there. But don’t think you have to go overboard right away – in fact, bondage is better when you start slowly and work your way up. Check out these great tips for BDSM beginners!

Hi Dan and Jennifer – loving the great advice! My girlfriend and I want to try some bondage, but we’ve never done it before and don’t really know where to start, any advice?

–YouTube Viewer

Beginner’s Bondage Kits

No, you don’t have to go out and buy yards and yards of heavy duty rope to begin with a little BDSM. Lots of companies make excellent beginner’s bondage kits that have everything you need to get it on. While there’s probably some stuff you could use at home such as a spatula for spanking or a silk tie as a rope or a blindfold, a kit is going to be a lot more fun – and a lot sexier. What is great about the beginner’s kits is that they’re pretty softcore, so they’re really not going to scare anyone off.

Our Recommendations:

Fetish Fantasy Series Beginner’s Bondage Set

Comes with 4 velvety soft cuffs with silky ties, a feather tickler, 2 romantic candles and a satiny smooth blindfold so your partner doesn’t know what you’re going to do next!

Fetish Fantasy Series Pleasure Bondage Set

This one also includes soft ankle and wrist cuffs, but the cuffs can be connected using a sturdy O-ring. An inflatable pillow and a silky blindfold come with, but those who want to get a little freakier will enjoy the soft, breathable gag.

Play Sex Games

Playing sex games with your partner can be a lot of fun, and it can not only lead you and your lover to a night of intense passion, it can also teach you more about what you and your partner like in bed. Sex doesn’t always have to be serious, and that’s why playing a game can be so much fun – it lets you remember that sex is all about having fun, laughing and enjoying your partner. Go on a sexy scavenger hunt or play a game of titillating truth or dare. You’ll be amazed at how much you can discover about yourself and your lover when you play sex games together.

Our Recommendations:

Cosmo’s Steamy Sex Games

Straight from the sexperts from Cosmopolitan comes 118 super fun cards that will spark your imagination with tons of sexy new ideas for things you can do together.

3 Deck Sex Pack

Get three decks of sexy card games and never run out of ideas for new and exciting things you can do with your lover. Included are card games Sex, Porn and Naked! Compete to see who owns the most porn or the classic-but-always-fun strip poker.

Bondage At Home

There are definitely some things at home that you can use for BDSM, but many of them aren’t recommended. It’s much better to use things that are made for what you’re doing (such as lube instead of spit), and even though it’s a little more expensive, getting great, high quality sex toys that you can use over and over again is well worth the investment. Nevertheless, here are some things you can use at home:

A silk tie can function as a blindfold or hand/feet restraints
A spatula can make a great paddle
A feather duster (wash it first!) makes a neat tickler

How To Know When To Stop

When you really start getting into BDSM, role play and domination and submission, the word “stop” doesn’t always mean stop. When you’re getting into kinky sex, it’s so important to have something called a “safe word.” A safe word functions as the word “stop,” meaning that if the safe word is used, all activity stops immediately.

Before you and your partner get it on, agree on a safe word to use. Make sure that it’s not something that you would normally call out during sex play, and words like “no” or “stop” aren’t going to work. Try something like “purple pony” or “turkey sandwich” so there’s no mistaking that the play needs to cease immediately if the word is used. Always honor the safe word, even if you think that everything is fine and nobody is getting hurt. Part of having a great time with BDSM and kink is to be able to completely trust and let go with your partner – so make sure that if the safe word is used, you cool it right away.

How To Be A Naughty Girl

Kaylen Jackson — Sat, 07 May 2011 14:00:38 +0000

Sex – no matter how vanilla – is something every guy adores. Even if it’s missionary position with the lights off – he’ll take that over no sex any day. But you can really wow your man by making it more kinky and showing him that you have a naughty side. Here’s how to let the vixen in you out.

Use A Mirror During Sex – And Fellatio

Guys love to watch. That’s a given, considering just how much porn there is circulating around the adult DVD stores and the Internet. Get him to focus on you though by introducing a mirror during sex. Put one on your bedroom wall right next to the bed and better yet, put one on the opposite side so he can get a view of both angles. If you can’t get full size mirrors, settle for a makeup mirror on a table or night stand that will give him a great view of you giving him a blowjob.

Masturbate For Him

Again, this is playing into the fact that men really do get off on visual stimuli. Instead of getting angry with him for watching porn instead of being interested in you, give him a reason watch you. Shake off your insecurities about how you look (he loves the way you look naked, even though you’re not perfect) and give him the show of his life by masturbating in front of him. Close your eyes or blindfold yourself and turn on some music so that you have no idea that he’s there. Then just go at it! You will be amazed at just how much watching you do yourself the way you like it will turn him on.

Do It Somewhere Else

Instead of having sex in the bedroom again, show him your wild side by suggesting sex somewhere else. Whether it’s on the couch, in the backyard or in the VIP section of an exclusive nightclub, just the change of venue will do wonders for how amazing the sex is. When you move outside the bedroom and let the vixen inside you out, expect amazing orgasms for both you and your partner!

Walk Around The House Naked

Most women aren’t confident about their naked bodies and most men hate that about their partners. Your man loves the way you look naked – if he didn’t, he’d probably wouldn’t be with you. So let your insecurities and inhibitions go and start walking around the house naked. Start small, like not putting on a towel after a shower while you head to the bedroom to get dressed. Perhaps you can hang out naked for a bit after having sex, and after you get used to the idea, you can walk around the house naked whenever you like. Your man won’t be able to keep his eyes off you!

Do The Reverse Cowgirl

The reverse cowgirl is one of the sex positions that most guys like the best. Why is this? Because it gives them a full view of your vagina and your anus, and he gets to see every thrust in eye-popping detail. Many women don’t like to do this however, because they get uncomfortable thinking about their partners looking at their vagina and anus for so long. Don’t worry about it – your guy isn’t going to be noticing that your inner labia are longer than your outer or that you have a little stubble from not having shaved in a couple days. He’s just going to enjoy watching his penis slide in and out of you over and over!

Leave Your Panties On

During foreplay, leave your panties on. Let him rub your clitoris through your panties – bonus points if you get wet enough for him to actually feel or see it through the fabric! When you’re ready for intercourse or oral sex, Pull your panties to the side and let your man do his thing. Pulling your panties to the side to get it on feels super naughty for both of you, and your man will love it!

Let Him Give You A Facial

Some guys enjoy the idea of giving a woman a facial – and not the kind you get at the beauty salon. For whatever reason, some men love the idea of ejaculating on a woman’s face and if you can get past the “gross” factor (or if it doesn’t bother you at all) your man may really enjoy doing this with you. Next time you give him a blowjob, let him finish on your face. It will make him feel like you’re being extra naughty and he won’t be able to keep his hands off you!

Have Impromptu Car Sex – With Road Head

Having sex in public is definitely naughty, so car sex fits the bill. If you want your man to find you truly dirty, surprise him with an impromptu sex session next time you’re on a road trip. Ask him to pull over on the side of the road (make sure its fairly deserted) and hop in the backseat for a quickie. Or, you can give him road head – which he’ll absolutely love. Road head is much easier to give, because it’s harder to get caught doing it.

Go Commando

Next time you and your lover go out to dinner together (or anywhere really), conveniently “forget” to put on panties beforehand. Of course, make sure you’re wearing something that won’t show your cooter when you bend over. Then, lean over and whisper in his ear that you’re not wearing any panties underneath your clothes – and watch as his eyes pop right out of his head! The idea of you not having any panties on all night (especially he gets to cop a quick feel) will make him want to tear your clothes off the minute you get home.

Wear F-Me Shoes

Stilettos make any woman’s legs look miles long – it’s one of the reasons that men enjoy watching women in the adult entertainment industry. If you notice, even in porn, they always wear high heels or platform heels of some kind. That’s because they’re an instant turn on for guys! Next time you’re at the shoe store, get a pair of really sexy f-me shoes and hide them in the closet. Wear them the next time you don your little black dress for an evening out, or better yet, wear the shoes (and only the shoes) next time you want to seduce your lover.

Get Your Tongue Pierced

This may not be your idea of fun, but if you’re open to it, getting a tongue piercing can improve oral sex for guys by quite a bit. Plus, it’s something a lot of “naughty” girls have done. In fact, many guys will instantly start thinking a girl is naughty and extra dirty in the sack as soon as he sees the tongue ring flash in her mouth while she’s talking. If the idea intrigues you, talk to a reputable piercer and ask some questions. You may just leave with a shiny new piece of jewelry that your man will love!

I’m A Teenage Macrophile – What If It Gets Out?

Dan and Jennifer — Tue, 12 Apr 2011 14:00:24 +0000

BDSM and sexual fetishes are things you might not want some people in your life (or anyone) knowing about you. This can be difficult if your fetish often involves using websites for art and interaction with other people – like with Macrophilia. Posting on BDSM and fetish forums can be fun, but protecting your identity is important. Here’s how to do that – and how to handle it if your secret gets out.

I am scared because I have been a macrophile all my young life. And I submit cute Macrophile pictures on a public art website. But more of my peers are joining the site and they know my user name. My close friends know and are fine with it, but some people I don’t trust also know! the teens at my school are evil in general and would go crazy if they found out! what should I do!?

–YouTube Viewer

What Is Macrophilia?

Macrophilia is a sexual fetish involving big, giant things. Most often, this is in the form of giant women, however, macrophilia can also involve giant breasts or penises. This fetish is most often expressed through art and anime. While some people may consider this type of sexual interest “weird” or “strange,” there’s really nothing wrong with it as long as it involves consenting adults only and doesn’t hurt anyone.

Sharing Your Interests Makes You Vulnerable To Outside Judgement

While sharing your sexual interests with others who like the same things you do automatically makes you vulnerable to outside judgement. That’s the risk you take by opening yourself up to other people when it involves your fetishes. It doesn’t matter how old you are – whether you’re a young teenager or an older adult – if you put yourself out there like that, you risk getting judged by other people who are uncomfortable with your fetish. It also doesn’t matter what you like – even if it’s just enjoying sex toys – there is bound to be someone or somewhere that will disagree with your interests.

This means that it is often easier to be very discreet about who you share your personal interests with, especially interests of a sexual nature. Instead of subjecting yourself to public ridicule and judgement from other people who likely have interests of their own that other people would also call strange, being discreet and private in the online community will benefit you much, much more. If you stay anonymous, you are able to enjoy your fantasies rather than being worried someone you know will find you and make fun of you publicly.

Keeping your private life private doesn’t suggest what you’re doing is wrong. It just means that you’re aware that people aren’t always accepting of others and may not be understanding about what you like and find erotic. You’re simply just making things easier on yourself.

How To Be Discreet

In the online community – especially with BDSM and fetish forums – it is easy to be anonymous. Your username can be something totally unrelated to you and you can choose not to share your email address with others in the forum. This makes sure that no one from your real life persona can tie you to your online persona.

Be careful not to make references in your posts or anything that you do online to your real persona or your real life. Don’t talk about people you really know or things that happened to you. Keep your real life and your online personality completely, 100% separate. When you have a completely private profile, you can freely express your opinions and talk about what is important to you without fearing the backlash you would get if someone you know in real life found out.

What To Do If The Cat Gets Out Of The Bag

If someone you know in real life does find out about your secret fetish, it can get pretty complicated. Your first thought might be that you’re embarrassed and if you’re a teenager, you may be worried that someone in your school will start making fun of you publicly in front of your peers.

Talk to someone neutral, that has the ability to be objective about the situation and what your interests are, such as a guidance counselor, a therapist or a very trusted friend. If you’re in school, a guidance counselor or a teacher may be able to help keep you safe from bullying.

Remember that there’s nothing wrong with having sexual likes that are different from everyone else’s. As long as you’re not hurting anyone, there’s nothing wrong with it at all. You may have to learn to let the fact that others aren’t going to accept your fetish or fantasy and just get on with your life!

10 Best Places To Have Kinky Sex

Dan and Jennifer — Sat, 09 Apr 2011 15:12:02 +0000

Kinky sex can get a lot freakier if you mix up where you’re getting busy at. Whether you’re doing it in a haunted hotel where the fear factor is at the max or enjoying Japanese rope bondage at a Shibaricon, checking out these kinky new ides can make your sex life hoter than ever before. Here are ten incredible ideas that will help you up the “kink” or “freak” factor in your sex life!

With A Prostitute In A Seedy Hotel

If you’re into the “kinky and freaky”, this is a great way to have a threesome without the emotional baggage that comes with having a threesome with a friend. However, sometimes sex workers can be just as seedy as the hotel, so you can also try doing this with a non-seedy prostitute in a nice hotel. Make sure the laws in your state don’t prohibit prostitution, and make sure you use condoms to avoid transmitting any STD’s!

A Shibaricon

A Shibaricon is a convention that brings together lovers of rope bondage from all around the world. From those who just love the artistic aspect of Japanese rope bondage to those who truly enjoy it sexually, a Shibaricon is where people who enjoy this activity can get together and share ideas and fantasies.

In A Tub Full Of Shaving Cream

Spray your partner and yourself with shaving cream all over your bodies and go at it – in the tub of course! The tub provides a place you and your partner can have kinky sex without the mess (you can just rinse it off in the shower afterwards). You can also put down painting tarps in your bedroom and have fun with it there. Smearing your partner all over their body with shaving cream and feeling them rub up against you with the slick substance in between your bodies can be an uber-turn on.

In A Cemetery On A Dark, Foggy Night

If you like to be scared, or you enjoy really creepy things, this place is for you. Bring a sleeping bag or blanket with you if you plan on doing it on the ground, or you can just bend over a headstone and do it doggy style! Avoid doing this in big cities though with high crime rates – you never know who else is going to be in the cemetery with you.

In A Jail Cell Of An Old Prison

When taking a tour of an old prison, sneak off into an old jail cell and get a little kinky with your lover. Unfortunately, if you’re really into doing it in a really freaky cell or execution room, most of them are closed off to the public and are protected by glass windows.

In A Haunted Suite In A Famous Haunted Hotel

This is also a great place to have kinky sex if you and your partner are into getting scared. Remember, fear and danger are great aphrodisiacs but you don’t always want to put yourself in real danger. Staying in a haunted hotel is a great way to get scared without actually taking a risk. The downside to some haunted hotels is that they’re old and may not have all the creature comforts you’ve gotten used to.

On Stage At A Deserted Underground Theater

If you’ve had a fantasy about doing it in front of a crowd but haven’t had the opportunity to do it for real, this can be a great alternative. It’s public sex in a private way. Find an old, deserted underground theater and get it on with your lover on stage. Dress up in sexy costumes if you’d like and pretend that the seats are filled with people watching you and your partner’s every move. This can also be incredibly erotic if you’re into the idea of people watching you but aren’t ready to do it for real yet.

At The Tattoo Parlor

Lots of people feel like pain is erotic and what better place to sneak a quickie with your lover than at the tattoo parlor? Unless you want to get it on in the bathroom though, you’ll have to find an artist that is down with you and your partner getting kinky in their shop. Also, don’t try to do it while you’re getting the actual tattoo – you’ll probably cause the artist to mess it up.

In A Mental Hospital

For a really freaky time, consider having sex in a mental hospital. Take a tour of an old mental hospital and sneak away with your lover to an old patient room for a quick romp. Bonus points if you can find a padded room to do it in, or a straightjacket that you can use for bondage.

In The Morgue

You have to have a really dark side to enjoy this one, so it’s not for everyone. But if you have access to a morgue or funeral home, getting it on next to the dead can be a turn on (if you’re into that sort of thing). Hop up on a stainless steel gurney or tuck yourselves into an empty casket for some interesting but freaky fun.

BDSM – What Is Erotic Humiliation?

Kaylen Jackson — Mon, 07 Mar 2011 14:00:34 +0000

“BDSM” stands for “bondage, domination, sadism and masochism.” However, this is just a blanket term for many different styles of kinky sex, including fetishes and roleplay, as well as less common activities such as erotic asphyxiation or erotic humilation.

While erotic humiliation isn’t generally as dangerous as activities like erotic asphyxiation, it can be just as fascinating to see exactly what gets different people off. What is erotic humiliation, what does it involve and how would you introduce it or an alternative in the bedroom?

What Is Erotic Humilation?

Erotic humilation is a form of BDSM defined by Wikipedia as the “consensual use of psychological humiliation in a sexual context, whereby one person gains arousal or erotic excitement from the powerful emotions of being humiliated and demeaned, or of humiliating another; often (but not always) in conjunction with sexual stimulation of one or both partners in the activity.”

Depending on whether someone has a dominant or submissive personality, the act of being humiliated or humiliating another during sex can be very arousing for both partners. Rarely does a person enjoy both humiliating and being humiliated and many sexual partnerships are formed because one partner prefers domination while the other prefers submission.

The Difference Between Humiliation And Domination

Many people may confuse erotic humiliation with domination and other forms of BDSM, because the roles are very similar. There is, however, a simple distinction between the two. Those who enjoy dominating others enjoy “commanding” or “ordering” their submissive partner do do something, and the submissive partner enjoys being “commanded” to do something. With humiliation, the dominant partner enjoys verbally or physically belittling their partner, and the submissive partner enjoys being belittled and humiliated just as much.

Verbal Means Of Erotic Humiliation

Depending on the agreement between the dominant and submissive partners, verbal belittlement may or may not be an accepted part of humiliation. However, it is much more common to see verbal belittlement in a humiliation situation than a great deal of physical humiliation. Verbal belittlement during sex might include:

Being a human “pet,” complete with collar and leash. This may include eating or drinking out of a pet bowl or off the floor.
Name calling such as “slave” or “whore”
Belittling the body, suggesting that it is “dirty” or “ugly”
Men who enjoy being humiliated may enjoy their partners belittling their penis size
Asking for permission to eat or use the restroom
Being verbally mocked or ridiculed

Physical Means Of Erotic Humiliation

When couples desire more than verbal belittlement offers, they may decide to move into more physical means of humiliation. This can be something as mild as spanking or can be very extreme. When combined with sexual activities and verbal belittlement, the humiliation factor can be very powerful. Many dom/sub couples may choose to forgo the physical aspect, or they may participate with a lighter attitude. Physical humiliation might include activities like:

Being slapped on the rear or in the face
Having the hair pulled
Ejaculating in the face or on the body
Being required to perform oral sex on the dominant partner without getting anything in return
Being forced to worship the body of the dominant partner
Physical punishment such as spanking or whipping when the submissive partner is “disobedient”
Torture of the nipples or the genitals

How To Approach Erotic Humilation In Your Relationship

If you’re interested in erotic humilation, you may be unsure of how to approach the subject with your partner. Remember that while being open and honest about your sex fantasies is extremely important, going slow and giving your partner time to warm up to the idea is even more so.

The first step is to determine which of you has a dominant personality and which of you has a submissive one. If you and your lover are both dominant or both submissive, erotic humiliation is generally something that won’t work well in your sexual relationship. Ease into it slowly, by introducing one new concept at a time and only when your partner seems ready for it.

If You’re A Sub

Offer to be you lover’s sex slave for the day and see what happens
Tell your partner you’d love to be spanked during sex
Come to bed wearing a collar
Experiment with handcuffs and bondage
Ask him to call you his “slut” or his “whore”

If You’re A Dom

Pinch your partner’s nipples during sex (not too hard without the green light first)
Ask your partner if they’ll be your sex slave for the day
Go shopping with your partner for sexy accessories, like collars or tiaras
Ask your partner to give you a blowjob or go down on you without reciprocation
Ask your partner to let you ejaculate on their face

Special Note: Never be derogatory or dominant towards your partner without their knowing and consent first. Not letting your lover in on what’s going on before verbally belittling them or physically humiliating them will only end very, very badly.

Pubic Humiliation

Another aspect of erotic humiliation which may be arousing to both partners is public humiliation. Sometimes, consenting partners will use verbal belittlement in public and very rarely will they humiliate physically in public. However, some couples may be part of groups that also enjoy this activity and may have “sex parties” in where one or more subs are humiliated in front of the crowd.

Alternatives To Extreme Humiliation

If the idea of humiliating your partner or being humiliated turns you on, but you’re not ready to go to the extreme with it, start small and work your way up. Alternatives to more aggressive forms of humiliating might be:

Nibbling or biting your partner
Spanking or asking to be spanked
Light bondage
Dirty talk with a dash of humiliation thrown in
Online or long distance humiliating

What is Fisting? Is It Safe?

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 24 Feb 2011 14:00:56 +0000

Rough sex takes on an entirely different meaning when it comes to fisting. Fisting is a sexual activity that is gaining in popularity, but there are still lots of questions that surround it. Is it safe to do, or should it be avoided? Are there ways to make fisting safer? Here is what you want to know about fisting and how you can make it as safe as possible.

What Is Fisting?

Fisting is considered to fall within the “BDSM” category of sex acts and simply put, it is the act of putting the hand, all the way up to the wrist or forearm, into the vagina or rectum. This is most easily done by forming the hand into a “duck bill” shape where the thumb and all the fingers meet (resembling a duck bill) for easier insertion. Then, the fingers can be moved into a fist shape or wiggled around once the hand is inside.

Fisting can be done alone during masturbation or during sex with a partner to create unique sensations for both men and women.

Is Fisting Safe?

When done properly, fisting can theoretically be safe and even enjoyable for both the giving and receiving partner. However, doing it properly is the key to making sure fisting doesn’t cause bodily harm or damage. Here’s how to keep fisting safe and fun:

Go slow. It’s very important that you go very slow when inserting the hand and wrist into a vagina or up the rectum. Going to fast may cause extreme discomfort or pain for your partner, and it may also cause some of the delicate vaginal or anal tissues to stretch too much and tear.
Use lots and lots of lube. Water based lube is best for easy clean up, but silicone based lube can be used as well. Do not attempt to try fisting yourself or your partner without a very generous amount of lube! Without lube, you can pretty much guarantee it won’t be comfortable for your partner and the risk of tearing goes up dramatically without the proper amount of lubrication.
Don’t use a “pumping” motion. You want to move your hand around during fisting, without taking it all the way out and pumping air into the vagina or rectum. This can cause air embolisms, which can be very dangerous and even cause death.
Allow for lots of warm up time and foreplay. When a woman is fully aroused and excited after foreplay, her vagina will relax more, making it easier to insert larger objects.
If it hurts, stop!

Fisting The Anus

Fisting the vagina is much safer than fisting the anus. Vaginas are very elastic and made to stretch and accommodate very large objects, because they are designed to give birth. A baby’s head is much larger than a fist, so you can rest assured that after fisting the vagina in a safe way, everything will go back to its normal size and shape.

That said, the rectum is not designed to accommodate objects as large as a fist. Even if you use lots and lots of lube, fisting the rectum can cause pain, discomfort at best and tearing or bleeding at worst. Repeated fisting of the rectum will change the size and shape of the anus, possibly leading to the need for adult diapers in the future because the anal sphincter has lost enough elasticity that it can no longer keep waste inside.

How To Make Anal Fisting Safer

While anal fisting isn’t considered a “safe” sexual activity, there are some things you can do to make it as safe as it can be.

Start small and work your way up. Start with small anal sex toys, such as tiny butt plugs, and work your way up to the bigger stuff.
Have a “safe” word. If it hurts too much, your partner will use the safe word so you’ll know to stop immediately.

Other Safety Tips To Consider

While taking the above steps to make fisting safer, here are some additional things to think about before you get started.

Trim your fingernails. Scrub underneath them and trim them, so there are no sharp corners, hangnails or dirt underneath.
Consider using a latex glove. Keep your hands clean and your partner’s anus or vagina bacteria free by simply slipping on a latex glove before fisting.
Never use a “numbing” lube. If it hurts, you need to feel it because that means you’re going too far! If you use numbing lubes, you may tear or bleed without realizing it.

3 Tips for Keeping Rough Sex Unpredictable

Dan and Jennifer — Tue, 22 Feb 2011 14:00:57 +0000

Rough sex can be lots of fun for both you and your partner, but even though you’re not necessarily having what is known as “vanilla sex” (you know, the plain, boring kind), it can get monotonous if you’re not careful to mix things up every now and then.

Some couples get bored of rough sex after awhile, but are afraid to take it any further because they aren’t comfortable with spanking harder or going too far outside their box. However, you can keep things interesting and exciting without pushing yourself or your partner too far past your comfort zone. Here are three ways to keep rough sex new and fun.

How Rough Sex Can Become Monotonous

Whether you’re talking about oral sex, rough sex or good old fashioned intercourse, if you and your lover do the same things over and over again, it’s going to get boring. You may think that just because you’re having “rough sex” that you’re keeping things fresh, but that isn’t always the case. It’s easy to get bored with biting, spanking and even a little bondage if that’s all you do.

The Key To Mixing It Up

The key to keep rough sex unpredictable is to mix it up with different styles of sex, specifically sweet, romantic, slow sex. Your partner won’t be expecting your next move if you switch from being soft and loving to giving her a quick smack and showing a little bit of domination and control. Going back and forth between the two different styles of sex will keep your partner guessing all night at what you’re going to do next!

Why You Need To Keep Her Guessing Your Next Move

Trying something new to spice up your sex life is one thing, but it still gives your partner an idea of what is to come when when she slides between the sheets at the end of the day. If you really want to make sex between you and your lover exciting and fresh, you want to make what you’re doing completely unpredictable. If you always slide your hands to her breasts after giving her a slow, deep kiss, she’ll learn to expect that you’re going to do that every time and she’ll know exactly what you’re going to do and when.

Instead, try giving her a firm pinch or slap on her rear after the deeply romantic kiss – and then switch right back to moves that are slow and sensual. If you keep alternating between rough sex and sweet and loving sex, she’ll never know what to expect and it will be like having sex for the first time all over again!

3 Ways To Make Rough Sex New & Exciting

1. Kiss the back of her neck softly and then suddenly give her a sharp spank.

The back of a woman’s neck is actually one of her more potent erogenous zones. Kissing her softly on the back of the neck is sure to give her goosebumps all over, but what she won’t be prepared for is the firm spank on her rear. Surprise her with a firm smack or two and gauge her reaction. You’ll see the surprise there, but you’ll definitely notice how much more turned on she is because you did something she didn’t see coming. She’ll be just as surprised when you switch to kissing her softly again!

2. Have rough, dominant doggy style sex, then suddenly switch to the missionary position and start slowly and gently making love to her.

If you and your lover are going at it doggy style, she’ll think that you’re going to finish that way and that will be that. Instead, flip her over and start to pleasure her with soft, slow sex. When she’s had an orgasm or two, switch back to rough sex and show her your dominant side!

3. Use a two-sided “flogger” (a sex toy with a hard surface on one side and a soft, tickly surface on the other) and gently tickle her body with the soft side and switch to spanking her firmly with the hard side.

When you alternate between two different touches – one hard and firm, and the other soft – you are sending two different sensations and emotions through your lover’s body. She’ll be incredibly turned on by feeling cherished while you tickle and stroke her, to feeling submissive while you dominate her with a firm touch. Alternating back and forth during foreplay (in a completely random way) will keep her guessing and what she’s going to feel next!

Kinky Sex: 6 Sex Fetishes You Didn’t Know Existed

Kaylen Jackson — Fri, 17 Dec 2010 14:00:38 +0000

There’s kinky sex and then there’s kinky sex. You may think that a little bondage and some fuzzy handcuffs in the bedroom is pretty out there, but it’s guaranteed that there are dozens (and maybe even hundreds) of different sex fetishes and fantasies that you didn’t even know about. From diapers to stuffed animals to erotic asphyxiation, check out these sex fetishes that you probably didn’t know existed!

Diaper Fetish

If you’ve never heard of a diaper fetish, now you have. People who enjoy diapers while making love (or just enjoy wearing diapers period) are called “diaper lovers” or “adult babies” and contrary to popular belief, they have no interest whatsoever in pedophilia. People who enjoy using diapers during coitus may like to urinate in the diapers or have their partners urinate in them, or may enjoy pulling the diapers to the side to perform oral sex on their lovers. Some adult babies will go so far as to purchase child like pajamas or even use pacifiers while sleeping or while making love. Now that’s kinky sex!

Erotic Asphyxiation

A truly dangerous form of kinky sex, this is one of the sex fetishes you don’t want to mess with. It is more dangerous than pleasurable and is one of the only sex fetishes that can result in death. Either during intercourse or masturbation, a person who enjoys erotic asphyxiation will tie a cord, scarf or other item around their neck to cut off blood and oxygen to the brain during orgasm. This supposedly makes an orgasm much more intense and satisfying. At best, the person who is participating in erotic asphyxiation will pass out at the point of orgasm and come to a little later after the body resumes normal function on its own. At worst, passing out before the cord is untied will cause the brain to go without blood and oxygen too long – causing brain damage (if the person is discovered in time) or death.

Klismaphilia

Klismaphilia is often one of the sex fetishes that people who enjoy anal sex like, and this is a form of kinky sex indeed. Klismaphilia refers to the sexual pleasure that some people derive from giving or receiving an enema. People who enjoy this activity will often fantasize about getting an enema, and will get aroused and may even reach orgasm while getting an enema or during the elimination process. Klismaphiliacs may go to the doctor or hospital to get an enema under the pretense of being constipated, or they may engage in this activity in secret as many adult toy stores offer devices such as enema tools, latex gloves and vaginal speculums for those into medical fetishes.

Hybristophilia

Hybristophilia is a fetish that is described often as the “Bonnie and Clyde Syndrome” where people (most often women) have a sexual fascination with someone who has committed a violent or gruesome crime. Many prisoners with sensationalized murder cases receive “fan mail” in prison from women who have sex fetishes or fantasies about the perpetrators of the crime and may even fantasize about being a part of the crime or witnessing it happening. Since most hybristophiliacs aren’t able to experience this type of kinky sex in person, their sex fetishes are usually expressed during masturbation. Some women, however, have even been known to marry the objects of their affection while they’re in prison. Passive hybristophiliacs often stick to writing letters to violent criminals, while more active hybristophiliacs may even be an accomplice in a heinous crime.

Plushophilia

Plushophiliacs have sex fetishes with stuffed animals or people who wear animal costumes, such as sports mascots or holiday characters such as the Easter Bunny. Men and women who are plushophiliacs may enjoy having intercourse with their partners dressed up in plush costumes, or they may experience this sex fantasy during masturbation with a small stuffed animal. Both men and women can be plushophiliacs, but not all fans of furry critters enjoy them sexually – called “furry fandom.”

Burusera

Burusera is the Japanese equivalent of a “panty fetish.” Men with Burusera style sex fetishes enjoy smelling, touching, masturbating with and even licking a girl’s used panties. This type of kinky sex was so prevalent in Japan at one time, that many Burusera shops existed to cater to clientele that wanted to purchase used panties and swimwear for sexual pleasure. Unfortunately, many more young girls were targeted as providers of used panties than those over the age of 18, so many Burusera shops were shut down and laws were passed to keep young girls from selling their panties to individuals or shops.

Sex Tips: I Like Kinky Sex But He Doesn’t – How Can I Get Him To Try It?

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 25 Nov 2010 14:00:22 +0000

Lots of people like kinky sex, but lots of people don’t. If you really enjoy kinky sex but your partner isn’t into it, you’re probably wondering how you can convince them to just give it a try. There are ways you can soften your partner up to what you like in bed, but you also have to keep some things in mind, like respecting your partner’s boundaries. Here’s what you want to know about getting your partner out of his vanilla sex “funk” and into the world of kink.

Question: I like kinky sex but he doesn’t. How can I get him to maybe try it?

–YouTube Viewer

Kinky Sex Is All About Perspective

What is kinky to some is completely benign to others, so keep that in mind when trying to introduce your boyfriend or girlfriend to kinky sex. For example, some people may think that simply having sex with the lights on is super kinky, while others delve deep into kink with lots of bondage and BDSM. Think about what you are wanting your partner to try and what they’ve tried before – is there a big difference between the two? Are you wanting him to try sex with a strap on when all he’s ever done is light bondage? If this is the case, think about toning down your idea of kink to better match what he’s tried already so you’re not too outside of his comfort zone.

Respect His Boundaries

Everyone has their boundaries when it comes to kinky sex, and it’s important for two people in a relationship to respect those boundaries. You may be very into kink, but there is someone somewhere out there that is probably into doing some things that you definitely wouldn’t be comfortable with. Imagine if you were in a relationship with someone who wanted to push your boundaries and try to convince you to do something that made you really uncomfortable – you definitely wouldn’t appreciate it and it would probably do harm to the relationship. So think about the situation in reverse. You may think your idea of “kink” is ok, but your partner may not. It all goes back to each person’s perspective – there is no “standard guideline” for what is ok and what isn’t. It all depends on the person and where their boundaries are. So it’s definitely important to respect your partner’s boundaries and avoid pushing him too far past them. If you push them too hard to try kinky sex, they may run the other way.

Finding The Right Approach

How you approach the topic with your partner is critical to whether or not they will actually be open to trying what you want them to try. Talk to him about how to spice up your sex life is important, but doing it at the right time and in the right way will make the most difference. Don’t try to talk to him about it while you’re having sex, right before you have sex or even right after. Get it? Have the conversation completely outside of the bedroom, at a time when you’re both relaxed and enjoying spending time together. Avoid being critical of your partner at all costs – this is not a “Why won’t you do this, there’s nothing wrong with it” conversation. If he even smells a hint of criticism in your words, he will lock up and probably won’t hear a word that you say. Instead, approach the topic by letting him know how much a particular activity turns you on and how much it turns you on to imagine doing it with them.

Modify Your Kink

So you want to try tying him to a chair and having your way with him – but he’s never so much as tried light bondage before. Consider modifying whatever you want to try a little bit and tone it down. This may make him more comfortable with trying it and you can eventually work your way up to heavy bondage and BDSM by taking baby steps to get there. Remember that kinky sex is again, all about perspective, and you’ll have a better chance of getting your partner to try something different if you make it a little more benign. Instead of going all out with handcuffs and rope (if bondage is your thing), try simply tying his wrists with a scarf or silk necktie. He will be more open to it if it seems really harmless – and then trying something else even more kinky won’t seem so bad!

Vampire Sex: A Guide To Safe Bloodletting And Biting In The Bedroom

Kaylen Jackson — Fri, 24 Sep 2010 14:00:42 +0000

With sexy vampire shows like True Blood and Vampire Diaries, or movies like Twilight, fetishists and BDSM fans may be tempted to try lots of biting and bloodletting in the bedroom if they haven’t already. Sure, it might be creepy to some people, but who’s to judge? Here’s how to keep bloodletting and biting in check so you can have hot vampire sex safely.

Biting

Most people are no stranger to biting in the bedroom. Even non-BDSM lovers can enjoy light biting or nibbling during sex, and some even enjoy harder biting that leaves marks. Biting during sex typically isn’t dangerous if you’re not drawing blood, but it’s important to have a safe word during biting just like with any sex activity that involves pain of any kind. Come up with a completely unrelated safe word (like “banana” or “train”) and if your partner is biting too hard or you want to stop for any reason, use the safe word. Before getting started, make sure both you and your partner (and whoever else is involved) is aware of the safe word and knows to stop immediately if anyone says it.

Bloodletting

Bloodletting isn’t as common as biting and it’s definitely not considered a “safe” activity and in fact it can be as dangerous as other activities such as erotic asphyxiation. There are, however, some things that you can do to make it safer for both you and your partner if this is an activity you both wish to pursue. First of all, bloodletting is not an activity that can be done with either partner inebriated in any way and of course must never be done by anyone under the age of eighteen. Bloodletting is an activity that is reserved for responsible, consenting adults only! Typically, people who enjoy bloodletting will draw only small amounts of blood from themselves (to avoid cutting or harming the other person more than intended) and either lick the blood themselves or allow their partner to do so. Never draw large amounts of blood from yourself or your partner, and if you’re not comfortable with it, don’t do it! Don’t let anyone “talk you into it” or convince you that you want to do it.

A Note On STD’s

Blood spreads STD’s like wildfire. NEVER, EVER use someone else’s needle or razor and never allow anyone else to use yours. Never drink another person’s blood unless you and your partner have had STD testing and your results were negative. In addition, once you and your partner have had clean blood tests, you both must be committed to monogamy to avoid contracting a new sexually transmitted disease and giving it to your partner. Remember that bloodletting and biting (if blood is drawn) can spread serious STD’s like HIV and Hepatitis C, for which there is no cure. It is considered a high risk activity and it’s important to take steps to make yourself and your partner as safe as possible.

Don’t want to take the risk but enjoy the sight of blood during sex? Why not incorporate a bottle of good old fashioned fake blood into your sexcapades? Or find a recipe for edible blood made from corn syrup and red food coloring. You can still have fun without causing pain or putting yourself at risk for contracting and spreading sexually transmitted diseases.

How To Deal With Your Partner’s Secret Diaper Fetish

Kaylen Jackson — Sun, 19 Sep 2010 23:00:06 +0000

So your partner has a diaper fetish or diaper sex fantasy. Weird? Perhaps to you. However, the “diaper lover” and “adult baby” community is a surprisingly large and growing community filled with people who enjoy wearing diapers during sex, having their partners wear diapers during sex, and those who simply enjoy wearing diapers or using pacifiers. While your partner certainly isn’t alone in his diaper fetish, it can definitely seem strange or even disgusting to other people. So how do you deal with your partner’s secret diaper fetish?

What Is A Diaper Fetish?

A diaper fetish is a strong like or even obsession with diapers. These people are often called “diaper lovers” or “DL’s” for short, and while it may seem at first that the diaper lover is into pedophilia or infantophilia, they’re absolutely not. In fact, pedophiles and infantophiles are very much shunned by the diaper loving community. Some diaper lovers enjoy using diapers during sex and enjoy their partners wearing diapers during sex, however, others may not feel that diapers are sexual at all. These types of diaper lovers are often called “adult babies” and simply enjoy wearing diapers because they feel or look good to them. Adult babies may also enjoy wearing child-like pajamas, playing with children’s toys or even sucking on pacifiers. A diaper fetish is actually no different from a foot fetish, a smoking fetish, a cross dressing fetish or any other type of fetish.

So Do I Try It?

If your partner has confessed to you that he would like to wear a diaper during sex or would like to see you wearing a diaper during sex, you may be taken aback or even a little freaked out. This is very normal for people who don’t have much experience with fetishes at all or have never heard of a diaper fetish. It may take you some time to get used to the idea and get comfortable with the fact that your partner is a “diaper lover,” let alone considering trying it yourself. Stop and think about it though. Your partner’s sex fantasy could be something that really brings you and your partner together emotionally and sexually. Or it could be something that drives a wedge between the two of you. Your partner may not break up with you or leave you because you’re uncomfortable with trying his fantasy, however, it’s always going to be hanging out in the back of his mind. You have the opportunity to make his wildest fantasies come true and be a sex goddess in his eyes. If it’s not hurting anybody, why not? However, after giving the subject some deep thought, if you’re really and truly uncomfortable with it, don’t let your partner pressure you into anything you don’t want to do.

Going Through With It

If you’ve decided to try wearing a diaper for your partner, it’s going to seem very weird and strange at first. In fact, taking a trip down the “adult diaper” aisle may send shivers down your spine. But if you’ve thought about it and decided to try it, try to put your freaked out thoughts aside. Start slow though and don’t rush into it. Try purchasing a pack of diapers for yourself and checking them out when your partner’s not around so you don’t feel any pressure to like them. Put one on and see how it feels. If you try a diaper for the first time in front of your partner and aren’t at all comfortable with it, your partner may feel hurt or betrayed when you rip the diaper off, throw it in the trash and get as far away from it as possible. Trying diapers out by yourself allows you to form your own judgements without the pressure of having your partner waiting with bated breath for your reaction. If you’ve gotten that far and aren’t thoroughly wierded out, try wearing a diaper on your next date. Surprise him by leaning over and whispering to him, “Guess what I’m wearing underneath my pants?” Let him feel the crinkle of the diaper for himself. You would be amazed at how turned on he’ll get if diapers are truly his deepest, darkest fantasy!

It Goes Both Ways

Sex fantasies and fetishes are often harmless if they happen between two consenting adults and no one is getting hurt. However, if you try his diaper loving fantasy, it’s only fair that he try one of your fantasies. You may not have any deep, dark, secret sex fantasies but for example, if bondage is really your thing and it’s not his, it’s only fair that he play along. Try setting up a fantasy box where each of you can put in your own fantasies, wants and desires for sex. Pull out a fantasy whenever you and your partner want to do something fun. It could be your fantasy that ends up getting pulled out or it could be his!

BDSM Around The House – Things You Can Use For BDSM That You Already Have!

Kaylen Jackson — Fri, 17 Sep 2010 14:00:35 +0000

It’s common to want to try a little BDSM and bondage without a trip to the whips-and-chains store. You don’t want to spend the money on expensive toys but it just doesn’t seem like real BDSM without some props. Here’s what you can use for some fun bondage play that you probably already have at your house – or that you can get easily without spending a lot of money.

In Your Kitchen

Using a spatula for light spanking (or hard spanking if that’s what you prefer) might have already crossed your mind, but you might have dismissed it because it seems so cliche. But what about that naughty fantasy of a nearly naked cook punishing you for trying dinner before it was ready? A simple spatula can be a lot of fun with a little imagination. Smooth fruits and vegetables can be used for homemade sex toys, such as using a very large cucumber as a dildo. Make sure it’s clean and smooth, without rotted places or rough places on the surface. NEVER insert anything into the anus that isn’t a sex toy built with a wide base specifically for anal play – it might get lost in there and warrant you and your partner a trip to the emergency room.

In Your Bathroom

A feather duster can feel divine when your partner tickles you up and down your body, especially if alternated with light or firm spanking. You may not, of course, keep a feather duster in your bathroom (or in your house for that matter) but they’re available at virtually every store and are extremely cost effective. They are definitely less expensive than their red and black sexy feather tickler counterparts. While the sexy feathers might seem more enticing, who doesn’t like a nice “French Maid” sex fantasy? You can even bring “bathroom cleaning supplies” such as soap or lotion and offer to clean up your partner’s genitals.

In Your Bedroom

Your bedroom has lots of fun BDSM toys inside, including scarves and ties that can be used for sexy blindfolds and restraints. Bondage may sound played out, but never underestimate the power of being blindfolded and tied up and not knowing what your partner is going to do to you next. Looking for something a little less blase than bondage? Try experimenting with shoes. Even if you don’t have a strong shoe fetish, experimenting with stilettos can be super fun. You can create both pleasure and pain with a sexy high heel and you’ve probably got a really hot pair of heels or even boots lying around somewhere. Don’t forget that your closet is also a great place for sexy costumes, even if you don’t seem to think so. Pair knee high boots with your normal black bra-and panty set for a hot surprise, or put on one of your partner’s white button up shirts and ties for a sexy just-from-the-office strip tease. There are lots of great roleplaying ideas that will utilize clothes you already have, such as a sexy librarian, a school teacher or a sexy pool boy or handyman. When it comes to BDSM, you just have to use your imagination!

Q&A: BDSM – How To Introduce Your Partner To Domination

Dan and Jennifer — Sun, 15 Aug 2010 14:00:58 +0000

Introducing your partner to BDSM and domination can be incredibly intimidating. Your partner may be shy about trying new things in the bedroom, or they may flat out think that BDSM is too freaky. Either way, it’s possible to warm your boyfriend or girlfriend up to domination and bondage if you play your cards right.

Question: Dear Dan and Jenn, I want my boyfriend to try a bit of domination. But he seems a bit shy about doing it. How can I help him get over that shyness?

–YouTube Viewer

Taking Small Steps

You definitely can’t throw the idea of hardcore BDSM straight into your partner’s lap and expect them to be interested. That’s actually one of the fastest ways you can turn your partner off of the idea altogether. You really have to start slow when you’re introducing domination to your partner, so think about baby steps you can take and how you can start small. Try introducing your partner to bondage with a first time, introductory bondage kit complete with fuzzy handcuffs? Your partner will be less likely to be freaked out by the fuzzy cuffs and they’ll help your partner get warmed up to the real deal. Try doing a little light spanking or nibbling on your partner and see how he reacts to it. Introducing it a little bit at a time will allow your partner to process and accept domination as being pleasurable.

Introduce The Fantasy

Make sure to incorporate some of the fantasy in with your BDSM play. Don’t just tie your partner to the bed with the lights on (that is, unless, you’re doing an interrogation fantasy). That will most likely make your partner feel awkward and uncomfortable. Get your partner in the mood by roleplaying a little bit and working whatever you want to try that day into the fantasy you’re creating. Encourage your partner to try playing out their own fantasies with you as well. Try using a fantasy box, where each partner can contribute fantasies that get randomly selected on any given night. Getting your partner absorbed in a sexy fantasy will help him to want to try things he’s never tried before.

Don’t Be Pushy

If your partner isn’t comfortable with a certain fetish, don’t press him on it. Being pushy and making him feel like he’s being pressured into something he’s not comfortable with will likely have the exact opposite effect. You can’t force him to like exactly what you like or find what you like erotic. If he’s given domination a good try and he still isn’t into it, it may be time to let it go. However, introducing small things to your partner and working your way up to the big stuff slowly will help nudge your partner in the right direction without making it seem like you’re being pushy at all. Just remember not to be critical or try to make your partner feel guilty for something that they don’t want to do. If you find that you and your partner’s sexual needs aren’t fitting well, move on and find someone else who has sexual preferences that are more similar to your own.

Kinky Sex 101: Adding Flavor To Vanilla

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 14:00:14 +0000

Not everyone is content with a plain, vanilla sex life. In fact, most dating and married couples seek out various ways to spice up their sex lives once they’ve gotten past the initial “everything is new” sex phase. There are tons of different ways to revv up your sex life, ranging from the very tame to very “outside of the box.” Here are some great new sex ideas for you and your partner to try in the bedroom (or out of the bedroom if you prefer) so you and your lover can start experiencing mind-blowing sex all over again!

Going Outside Of Your Current Comfort Zone

Just because you want to try kinky sex, you don’t have to start with the whips and chains right away – that is, unless you really want to. Spicing up your sex life can involve lots of fun, tame activities, as long as you and your partner are going just slightly outside of your current comfort zone. For example, if you’ve never tried light spanking or dirty talk before, try it now! If that soon becomes a part of your regular sex regimen, it will soon be time to graduate on to something else. Your “current” comfort zone is always changing – you could be completely comfortable with racy lingerie six months from now, but it may make you just a tad nervous if you’re thinking about putting it on tomorrow night. A little nervous is good though. Your goal is to make it just outside of your “bubble” and try something you’ve never done before.

Paddles

Paddles – the ones made specifically for sex, not the ones with the rubber ball on a string – are great way to get started. Most paddles that are made for the bedroom are soft and silky on one side, and hard on the other so it smarts when you give your lover a light smack on the rear end. Start by giving each other soft taps before you graduate to full on paddling pain. By starting off small and working your way up, you and your partner can both find your level of tolerance to paddling before pleasure starts turning into pain.

Blindfolds

This is an incredibly easy and fast way to bring some extra sizzle to your sex life tonight. Anything will do – a scarf or a silk necktie will work just fine, although there are a number of great blindfolds made specifically for lovers. These may be soft and silky or have naughty sayings on them to entice your partner. Either way, the sensory deprivation created by placing a blindfold over your lover’s eyes (or vice versa) is an extremely titillating experience. You or your partner won’t know what is coming, and it will force you to experience your partner’s touch (and taste and smell) in an entirely new way.

Bondage & Restraints

There’s few things that are sexier than being tied up and waiting patiently for your partner to deliver you pleasure while there’s nothing you can do about it. Take turns with your partner in some light bondage situations, allowing both you and your lover to experience the feelings of being in total control and being totally out of control where pleasure is concerned. You may find that you really enjoy one or both of these roles! Combine restraints with blindfolds for a really wild experience!

Sex Swings & Sex Furniture

You’ve heard about a thousand and one different sex positions and how they are all meant to add that extra “oomph” to your sex life. Some of these positions are darn hard to get into though, let alone actually create any kind of movement that will stimulate you or your partner! Sex furniture, such as the Tantra Sex Chair or a sex swing, are great aids to help you and your lover get into all kinds of different sex positions – without breaking your back.

Advanced Kink

If and when you and your partner are ready to graduate to advanced kink in the bedroom, try experimenting with more dominant and submissive roles. Force your partner to be your sex slave for the day, or vice versa. Some partners like to get into cross dressing a little, or have a little more fun with the fine line between pain and pleasure. Remember to be safe (and have a safe word), but when it comes to kink, the only limit is your imagination!

How To Introduce Your Girl To Bondage

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 17 Jun 2010 14:00:19 +0000

Introducing your partner to bondage – if that’s not something she’s already into – is tricky business. If you bring it up in the wrong way, or try the hardcore stuff first, you might just turn her off of bondage and BDSM for good. Here’s how to slowly introduce your partner to bondage so you have the best chance of allowing her to get into it!

When To Bring It Up

Bringing up new things to try in the bedroom is not the best thing to do when you’re already in the bedroom. Never bring up new sex topics during sex, right before sex or right after sex. Also don’t bring it up during a fight or when you and your partner are tired and stressed out. So if you want your girl to get into bondage, when do you bring it up? Try talking to your girlfriend about light bondage during dinner, or after you both have had a couple glasses of wine. Bring the topic of BDSM or bondage up when you and your partner are both relaxed, stress free and are open to new ideas.

How To Bring It Up

If you have a fairly open and honest relationship with your partner, putting it out there as something you’d like to try may work well for you. However, if you’re not sure how your partner will react to your interest in bondage, you may want to be a little more creative on how you introduce the topic to her. Try telling her you read an article about bondage, or you have a friend that tried it with his girl and gauge her reaction to the information. If she seems interested, it’s probably okay to move forward with the conversation. If your girlfriend seems nervous, upset or even disgusted with the idea of BDSM or bondage, you can take that as your cue to zip it. Don’t get too hung up on your partner not wanting to try bondage, because there are lots of other fun ways you and your partner can connect in the bedroom!

What You Need

Assuming you and your partner have both agreed to try bondage, it’s best to start with light bondage rather than going straight for the hardcore handcuffs. There are a variety of products available online and at your nearest adult toy store that make bondage much more fun for both you and your partner. You don’t have to spend a lot of money on adult toys to start out with, but definitely get a few things such as a beginner’s fetish kit or japanese bondage rope. Don’t try to use regular rope you bought from the store – talk about ouch! You’ll have more success with getting your girlfriend to actually enjoy being tied up and tying you up if you have a few things that were actually made for what you want to do. If you and your partner really like the lighter stuff, you can consider graduating to some more hardcore bondage and BDSM. Remember to always have a safe word, and always stop whatever you’re doing immediately if your partner uses the safeword.

Q&A: My Sexual Fantasies Are Taking Over My Life

Dan and Jennifer — Fri, 16 Apr 2010 14:00:15 +0000

Both men and women think about sex often during the day, but most people can push those thoughts aside so they can focus on the task at hand. Some people, however, struggle with thinking about sex almost all the time and have trouble focusing on their daily life and find that the sex thoughts are taking over. Here’s what you can do if your fantasies seem to be out of control.

Question: Hello Dan and Jenn, I have a problem and I hope you can help me. I’m 25 years old and I go to university. However, I feel sometimes I cannot stay focused because I have too many sex fantasies during class. I don’t know why, but I’m starting to engage in wishful thinking quite often. Not only in class but in social situations, riding the bus, doing homework, it just happens. What can I do to stop my sex drive from affecting my grades and my life?

–YouTube Viewer

Your Body Is Trying To Tell You Something

If you find that you are thinking about sex all the time, or more often than usual, your body is definitely trying to tell you something. If the fantasies overrun your life, your body isn’t getting the sexual relief it needs so it tells your brain to think about sex – a lot. Just like when your body has cravings for a certain food, your body is telling you it needs sex. This is one time that you really want to listen to your body, especially if you find that the sexual fantasies are popping up everywhere, no matter what you’re doing and you find it hard to concentrate on anything else.

Finding Sexual Relief

When you find yourself fantasizing about sex often, take some time to find some time to satisfy yourself. If you’re in a relationship with someone and are sexually active, try having sex more often or incorporating some of your fantasies in your sex life. If you’re with someone and haven’t had sex yet, think about becoming sexually active with them if there are no moral or religious reasons that are keeping you from having sex. Last but not least, one of the easiest ways to relieve sexual frustration whether you’re in a relationship or not is masturbation. To try to keep the fantasies at bay while you’re at school or work, try having sex or masturbating in the morning before you leave. If you find that you’re really struggling throughout the day, you can pop in the bathroom for a quick masturbation session if you have to. Chances are though, if you incorporate more sex or masturbation into your life at home, you’ll find that you’re just fine at work or school.

Is It A Sex Addiction?

If you can’t shake your sexual fantasies regardless of how much sex you have or how much you masturbate, you may be a sex addict. A sex addiction can really interfere with your life and make living day to day very difficult. If you think you have a sex addiction, don’t hesitate to seek professional help. A counselor or specialized therapist can help you find the root of the problem so you can work towards finding a solution.

When Orgasms Are Dangerous… What Is Erotic Asphyxiation?

Kaylen Jackson — Sun, 11 Apr 2010 14:47:23 +0000

You may have heard of erotic asphyxiation, or autoerotic asphyxiation, in the news, on television or in movies. Some crime shows and even crime fiction novels have used erotic asphyxiation themes in their storylines. But what exactly is erotic asphyxiation and why is it dangerous? Can you practice erotic asphyxiation safely?

What Is Erotic Asphyxiation?

Erotic asphyxiation is the practice of using various suffocation or choking methods to cut off blood supply to the brain, to attempt to induce feelings of dizziness, giddiness and lightheadedness. This can be done with a scarf or a rope around the neck and less commonly, with suffocation applied over the mouth and nose. These sensations are said to intensify an orgasm greatly for both men and women. Some people simply enjoy the feeling of being completely helpless during an orgasm and for others, self-endangerment is actually a turn on. Erotic asphyxiation is sometimes practiced with two people, where one partner applies suffocation to the other just before orgasm, however, autoerotic asphyxiation is more common. During autoerotic asphyxition, suffocation is applied during masturbation when a person is alone. Usually some form of slack noose is used, where a person can lean into it to create suffocation but is slack when a person is standing or sitting upright.

Why Is Erotic Asphyxiation Dangerous?

Erotic asphyxiation and autoerotic asphyxiation is extremely dangerous. Cutting off blood supply to the brain in any way, shape or form can cause brain damage at best or even death. When erotic asphyxiation is practiced with two people, you run the risk that your partner may choke you too hard or wait too long after orgasm to release you from suffocation. Your partner doesn’t know how hard to press or how long to suffocate you for, and can easily overdo it. With autoerotic asphyxiation, the risk is even greater. When you begin having an orgasm during masturbation, your body and mind lose control. You could pass out and not be able to lift yourself away from the noose or scarf you’re using, causing you to continue to suffocate and die. It is estimated that up to 1000 deaths a year occur from erotic asphyxiation in the United States alone.

Is There A Safe Way To Practice Erotic Asphyxiation?

There is absolutely no safe way to practice erotic asphyxiation or autoerotic asphyxiation. When the brain goes without oxygen for any period of time – even if it’s simply a few seconds or a minute – your brain begins the process of shutting down. If starved from oxygen long enough, the brain will shut down completely and cause brain damage and death. Regardless of whether you and your partner have a “safe” word or you think you’ll be able to stop suffocating yourself during masturbation in time, an intensified orgasm simply isn’t worth the risk of living the rest of your life as a vegetable or dying right then and there. There is no guarantee that you will come out of an erotic asphyxiation session alive or all there, no matter what you feel you’re doing to the contrary. There are a number of ways to create incredible, mind blowing orgasms without risking your life.

Q&A: BDSM and Fetishes – When Your Fantasies Don’t Line Up

Dan and Jennifer — Sat, 10 Apr 2010 14:22:26 +0000

Everyone’s sexual fetishes are unique, and it’s not uncommon for two people who like very different things to be in a relationship together. Can you and your partner find sexual satisfaction together and bond sexually when you both like completely different things in the bedroom? Here’s how.

Question: I am currently going out with someone that likes BDSM and cross-dressing, some humiliation as well. The problem is as much as I love him and would like to please his every desire, I just dont seem to be able to understand the deal with BDSM or humiliation. I’m not into it. He doesn’t want me to do these things if I’m not into them. He says he loves me and doesn’t mind being with me, even if I cant seem to get into his fetishes.

–YouTube Viewer

Have You Tried It? You Might Like It!

If you partner has a fantasy or fetish that you don’t seem to be interested in, such as BDSM, bondage or humiliation, steering clear of these in the bedroom is going to make you more comfortable sexually. However, if you haven’t tried it with your partner, you might consider some light bondage next time you and your partner have sex. Your partner will really enjoy anything that relates to their fantasy and you might find that you like it! Don’t try anything you’re super uncomfortable with, but trying new things in the bedroom isn’t a bad idea.

Be True To Who You Are

If you’ve tried to share your partner’s fantasies and fetishes and just can’t seem to get into them, don’t force yourself to do things that you don’t like. If you don’t like it, you don’t like it and it’s important that you be true to who you are. It’s also important that your partner is true to who they are and if they like something, it’s essential not to criticize them about it. While you don’t have to be a part of it if you’re not comfortable with it, it’s important to allow your partner to be themselves. Being unable to find sexual satisfaction together because you both like different things in the bedroom may cause issues later on in your relationship but if they’re not bothering you or your partner now, relax and let it go. You can cross that bridge when (or if) you get there.

Find Fantasies That You Do Share

Try to find some fantasies that you and your partner both like. If you and your partner think you’re totally sexually incompatible together, you might be surprised that there are a few things that you both actually have in common. But you won’t know unless you try! Talk to your partner and be open and honest with them about what turns you on and what doesn’t. Listen to them openly about what they like or don’t like. Browse adult toys online, or even adult videos that might interest you both. Just because you aren’t into his fantasies doesn’t mean you can’t find something that you both really enjoy!

Q&A: Are Sexual Fetishes Weird?

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 14:00:58 +0000

People with sexual fetishes or certain sexual fantasies are constantly asking themselves if their preferences are considered “normal,” or if they are strange and weird for having said fetish or obsession. There are a variety of sexual fetishes and fantasies out there – how do you know if yours is “normal?”

Question: Is it weird to get turned on by strange things, like fetishes and stuff? Like, there are some things I enjoy which a normal person would hate or find painful or embarrassing. Is this normal?

–YouTube Viewer

Define “Normal”

Fortunately for human beings, “normal” is relative. What is considered normal and what isn’t is based on each person’s belief system, morals and point of view. There is no concrete “this is normal and this isn’t,” because it is different for everybody. Unfortunately though, it is a common belief that one person’s view of what is normal and what isn’t must be forced on everyone else. It’s time to shake that belief, and realize that one person’s definition of what is normal or weird is going to be different from everyone else’s. It’s time to embrace our diversity and focus on our own beliefs and actions instead of dictating everyone else’s.

What Is A Fetish?

A fetish, as defined by UrbanDictionary.com, is considered a sexual obsession with a usually non-sexual object. Many people have a “shoe fetish” or a sexual obsession with shoes. Some people have a specific fetish for high heels only, while some people are turned on by shoes of all kinds. Other people may like fur, armpit or leg hair, or may be exceptionally turned on by different types of scents. Whatever your fetish is, this object generally will heighten sexual pleasure and may even be required during sex to acheive sexual release. Some fetishes, such as pedophilia and bestiality to name a few, do cross the line, so there are a few ways to tell if your sexual obsession goes too far or not.

Informed Consent Is What Makes The Difference

Regardless of what your fetish is, it must meet a few criteria for it to be considered “okay.” And by “okay,” we mean legal. Each person involved must be an adult (as in over 18) and must be able to and have given informed consent to whatever will happen. Informed consent can’t be given by children, animals or those mentally unable to make informed decisions such as people who are very intoxicated or have a mental handicap. It’s also a good idea if no one gets seriously hurt, although some sexual obsessions such as biting, piercing and bloodletting could be viewed by others as being “serious,” while if done safely pose very little harm at all. When experimenting with fetishes, always use a safe word and if someone wants to stop, STOP! If everyone involved is an adult and has made the informed decision to participate, and as long as no one gets seriously hurt, you can relax. Your fetish may seem “strange” to others but if it works for you, go for it!

Pleasing Your Partner With A Strap On

Kaylen Jackson — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 14:00:04 +0000

If you and your partner are looking for something to spice up your sex life, you may want to consider pleasing your partner with a strap on. In this alternative to traditional anal sex, a woman will wear a strap on dildo and please her partner anally, focusing on stimulating the prostate gland. Some men, however, are adverse to this idea – here’s how to find out if you can please your man with a strap on.

Introducing The Idea

Many women enjoy the idea of having sex with their partner with a strap on. It gives them the feeling of power and lets them experience a different side of sex altogether. Some men enjoy being on the receiving end, however, many men do not relish the idea at all. How can you find out if your man would like being pleased anally with a strap on? First, try traditional anal sex and let your partner please you anally. This is a good way to introduce him to the idea of anal play at all. Communicate with him how much it turns you on. Also, try a few roleplaying activities that allow your partner to take the role of the submissive. This is a great way to allow him to explore being submissive without diving right into anal play. If he enjoys anal sex with you and enjoys being submissive sometimes, browse a sex toy store online and let him suggest a few toys he would like to play with.

Getting Him Warmed Up

Don’t start by outright suggesting he try being on the receiving end of a strap on. Instead, give him plenty of time to warm up to anal play by purchasing a few small anal toys, such as anal beads or small butt plugs, and use lots and lots of silicone or water based lubricant. Never use desensitizing lube, because if it is painful or uncomfortable, he should stop. Once your partner really gets into anal play, try taking a look at a smaller sized dildo with a strap on. Let him know it could be a toy for both of you to enjoy!

Do’s And Don’ts Of Strap On Play

Don’t try any kind of anal play without lots of lube.
Don’t force your partner into a submissive role or strap on play if that isn’t where he wants to be.
Listen to him if he tells you something makes him uncomfortable or becomes painful.
Start small and work your way up. Always use toys and dildos that have a wide base on the end of them to prevent the anal toy from being lodged in the anus. You don’t want to risk it not being able to get back out.
Start slow and go slow. Anal play is not the time to be rough – stuff can tear back there!
Have a safety word and use it if one of you becomes uncomfortable.
Be open to ideas that your partner wants to try too – let him share something with you that really turns him on and make a vow to try it with him.

Q&A: My Girlfriend Wants To Do Me With A Strap On

Dan and Jennifer — Sat, 13 Feb 2010 14:00:43 +0000

The act of penetrating your partner during sex is intense. It’s a huge turn on for guys – but believe it or not, penetrating their partner (instead of being penetrated) can be a turn on for women too. Some women fantasize about having sex with their man with a strap on. Many men, however, don’t find this idea at all appealing. What do you do if your girl wants to do you with a strap on – and you’re not into it?

Question: I have been having sex with my girlfriend for 3 months now and just recently she keeps bring up the idea of her pleasuring me with a strap on. The idea scares me and I feel as if I were to go through with it I would be less of a man. How do I talk her out of it?

–YouTube Viewer

Open And Honest Communication

When bringing up a fantasy, whether it’s your fantasy or hers, it’s important that both you and your partner be open and honest with each other. Each partner should be able to bring up a fantasy of theirs without the fear of criticism or being laughed at. That doesn’t mean you have to go along with it though. If her fantasy makes you uncomfortable (or vice versa) it’s important that you are honest with your partner and voice your concerns without being condescending or critical. Sex between you and your partner should be enjoyable for both of you, and neither partner should be forced to be uncomfortable just so the other partner can have a pleasurable experience. If your partner wants to try something that makes you uncomfortable, let her know. If she wants to have sex with you using a strap-on, let her know what about that idea causes you discomfort.

How To Say No

Whether you aren’t into the idea of playing in the mud or you’d rather keep your anus a “one way only” street, those are all perfectly sound reasons to bring up to your partner. When you’re talking to your partner about why you don’t want to have her use a strap-on on you, make sure that you use “I” terms instead of “you” terms. This is about you after all, and why the idea of her introducing this type of BDSM makes you uneasy. Be careful not to make her feel as though her fantasies are gross or wrong. She should feel safe enough in the relationship to bring her fantasies up in conversation, whether you actually go through with them or not.

She Should Respect You

If you respect your partner enough to make it safe for her to share her fantasies with you, she should respect you enough to realize that you may not want to participate in all of them. Ultimately, if you’re not comfortable with something, she shouldn’t force you to do it or become angry if you won’t. It’s your body after all. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. If she doesn’t respect you enough to dismiss her fantasy and find a form of sex or BDSM that you both can enjoy in the bedroom, it’s time to move on to someone who does respect you and your body.

Q&A: What Is Your Opinion On Fetishes And Bestiality?

Dan and Jennifer — Sat, 23 Jan 2010 14:00:54 +0000

Fetishes and fantasies are everwhere, and it seems like almost everyone has their own fetish or fantasy that turns them on. Some people have more than one, but the majority of these fetishes are fairly tame, such as a blindfold in the bedroom, handcuffs or even a little hardcore BDSM. Some fantasies fall outside the “norm” though, and it can be difficult to know where to draw the line. Does bestiality cross that line?

Question: What are your opinions on certain fetishes like furries and bestiality?

–YouTube Viewer

When It Doesn’t Cross The Line

There are lots of fetishes and fantasies that don’t cross the line. For example, shoe fetishes, smoking fetishes, lingerie fetishes…the list goes on and on. It would be impossible to name every single fetish out there, especially since new ones are being discovered almost every day. So how can you determine if your fantasy is kosher? The golden rule here is that as long as everyone involved is a consenting adult and can make an informed decision about being involved, and as long as no one is getting seriously hurt, you’re good to go. Which begs the question, when does a fetish or fantasy cross the line?

When It Crosses The Line

The golden rule applies here too. If someone involved in the activity isn’t a consenting adult and is not able to make an informed decision, you need to find another way to play. This includes kids, animals, people who are too intoxicated or people who are otherwise impaired and do not have the ability to make an informed decision about being involved in a certain activity. So does bestiality fall into this category? Absolutely. Animals cannot answer for themselves whether they want to be involved in an activity and anyone’s best guess is that they don’t and they are quite frankly, unwilling participants.

Are Bizarre Fetishes Wrong?

Not necessarily. While pedophilia and bestiality do indeed cross the line, there are a great deal of “bizarre” fetishes that actually don’t. Urophilia (also known as a golden shower or being urinated on or urinating on someone else), and klismaphilia (the practice of giving or receiving enemas for sexual gratification) are among many of the so-called “bizarre” or “weird” fetishes out there that do absolutely no harm as long as only consenting adults are involved.

If Your Fantasy Goes Too Far…

If your fetish crosses the line, get some help. Don’t be afraid to talk to your doctor or a counselor about it. They can help you find other ways to satisfy your sexual needs without hurting or taking advantage of others, including animals. If your fetish is just plain strange but doesn’t hurt anyone and everyone involved is an adult that is cool with it, go for it! Have fun and enjoy your fantasy. As long as you follow the golden rule, it’s no one else’s business what goes on behind closed doors. On that same token, don’t judge others for their fetishes or fantasies that might seem strange to you – as long as you follow the golden rule.

Best BDSM And Kink Articles Of 2009

Dan and Jennifer — Fri, 25 Dec 2009 14:00:15 +0000

Kink, bondage, cuckold fantasies, cross dressing – you name it, it’s out there. Everyone likes something different in the bedroom, whether it’s traditional, vanilla sex, light bondage or something totally extreme. Our motto is as long as everyone involved is a consenting adult and no one is getting hurt, it’s all good! This year, questions about bondage, BDSM and kink came in from all over the globe and we answered the questions you were asking about everything from watching your woman have sex with another man to a husband who wants to videotape his wife having sex with a donkey. No, we weren’t afraid to “go there!” Check out some of our best, no-holds barred BDSM and kink articles from 2009.

Cuckold Fantasy: My Wife With Another Man – Why Do I Like It? (Video)

How Do I Introduce BDSM To My Boyfriend? (Video)

Is Cross Dressing A Turn Off To Women? (Video)

Asexual Wanting BDSM But Not Sex – Is It The Medication? (Video)

Help! My Boyfriend Wants To Be Tied Up! (Video)

My Husband Wants Me To Have Sex With A Donkey (Video)

Is My Foot Fetish Weird? (Video)

Are My Sexual Fetishes And Kinky Fantasies Bad? (Video)

What’s Your Safe Word? How to Get Off Without Getting Hurt

Sexual Fetishes – Is My Smoking Fetish Weird? (Video)

Sick Or Sexy – When He’s Daddy In The Bedroom

Paul Carlson — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 14:42:27 +0000

Everyone has their own kinks and fantasies that they like to play out in the bedroom. Whether it’s simple, missionary on top sex, or really kinky BDSM, everyone has something they like and enjoy doing when it comes to their own sexual satisfaction. Many people enjoy talking dirty, or roleplaying in the bedroom, but is there ever a point where this can go too far?

What happens when we start carry those term of endearment into the bedroom? Watch this video to find out if it’s normal to call each other ‘mommy’ and ‘daddy,’ even when the kids aren’t around.

Using “Mommy” And “Daddy” To Refer To Your Partner

Lots of parents call each other “Mommy” or “Daddy” in front of the kids, and sometimes when they’re alone just out of habit. This is a completely normal part of parental life, especially if you’re teaching very little ones what to call your partner. If you refer to your partner as “Jeff” all the time, but ask your little one to call him “Daddy,” she might get confused. It can definitely help teach little ones if you and your partner call each other “Mommy” and “Daddy” too. But is there ever a point where these terms of endearment aren’t normal?

Using “Mommy” And “Daddy” In The Bedroom

It may be out of habit, or it may be a bit of fun roleplaying, but sometimes the terms “Mommy” and “Daddy” get carried away in the bedroom. Some people even like to roleplay with those terms, with “Mommy” punishing her bad boy, or her partner asking, “Who’s your Daddy?” This may seem strange, or even sick, but it’s just part of roleplaying. If both partners are into it, and both partners are comfortable and emotionally mature enough to realize that it is just a roleplaying game, there’s certainly nothing wrong with it, just as there is nothing wrong with playing “teacher” in the bedroom, or “french maid.” As long as everyone involved is having fun and isn’t getting hurt, there’s no reason to think there’s something “wrong” with you. If someone becomes uncomfortable, find a new game to play. It’s as simple as that.

When It Crosses The Line

There is a point where being “Mommy” in the bedroom (or being “Daddy” for that matter) can cross the line. If you’re playing “Mommy” and your partner is thinking of his own mother, there are some psychological issues there that probably need to be addressed. Although, your partner is the only one that will ever know that, so it’s up to him to seek help if he finds that he’s having these kids of issues. Also, if being “Daddy” in the bedroom leads a man into psychological or physical abuse of his own children because he’s so into it, that is definitely a call for professional help. Other than that, it’s very hard for two, emotionally mature, consenting adults to make roleplaying “Mommy” and “Daddy” in the bedroom go too far. So what do you think? Is it sick or sexy?

Is My Kinkiness Beyond All Others?

Dan and Jennifer — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 17:00:22 +0000

Everyone has specific things they enjoy during sex, from the tame to the seemingly strange. While most people seem to fall into the so-called “normal” sex category, that is quite the opposite of the truth. Most people are actually at least a little kinky, in a number of different ways. How do you know that your kinkiness isn’t beyond all others?

I enjoy wearing a leash, collar, bit and saddle sometimes, and I sometimes enjoy being groomed. Does this qualify as a BDSM fetish? What makes people enjoy the different things they do?

–Tom, IN

A Basis Of Comparison

First of all, trying to find out if your kinkiness is considered “abnormal,” or if it’s beyond all others, you’re really fighting a losing battle. What is considered “normal” in this society? It’s all about perception, which can easily be distorted by religion, culture and even television or movies. In reality, various fetishes are common, even though people don’t always share them with others. Most people actually think that their fetish or kink is “normal” and everyone else is “abnormal,” regardless of how strange their own kink would seem to someone else. That is the true crux of the matter – why let what other people do or don’t do or what other people think or don’t think dictate what you like to do in your own bedroom?

A Colorful Variety Of Fetishes

There are probably more fetishes out there than you could even imagine. Shoe fetishes and BDSM are commonly talked about, but what about crossdressing? Asian women and men? Smoking after sex? Roleplaying? The Princess Leia slave costume fetish? Believe it or not, everyone has a little kink in them somewhere. Fetishes can arise from anything in our lives, even something stemming from childhood. Did you really like the princesses in the cartoon fairy tales? Perhaps you enjoy dressing up as them now during sex and imagining what that would have been like in the movies. Perhaps your mother enjoyed getting her nails done at a salon and now you enjoy having sex with women who have extraordinarily long, false fingernails that they use during sex. There’s no limit to what someone can like during sex!

When Does It Cross The Line?

Fetishes and kinks may seem like an intensely gray area with no real boundaries, but it’s actually quite easy to find out if your fetish crosses the line. Does it severely hurt other people? Does it involve people or animals who don’t give their consent? Does it involve anyone who is not a legal adult? If you answered “yes” to any of those questions, it’s definitely time to seek professional help. If you answered “no” to all of those questions, you still might consider talking to an unbiased counselor if you find that your fetish is taking over your life, preventing you from having healthy relationships and living a normal life. If having your fetish involves only legal, consenting adults and no one is getting seriously hurt, and it is allowing you to live a full and healthy lifestyle both in and out of the bedroom, embrace your uniqueness and enjoy your fetish!

Cuckold Fantasy: My Wife With Another Man – Why Do I Like It?

Dan and Jennifer — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 01:00:28 +0000

Everyone has a secret sex fantasy – what’s yours? Maybe you have a shoe fetish, or perhaps you enjoy BDSM or biting. What is considered outside the norm for you? What if you like watching your wife get banged by another man and really enjoy it? Is this considered abnormal? Should you stop indulging in your fantasy? Here’s what you want to know about 2 guy, 1 girl threesomes and more.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Cuckold question: I like watching my wife get banged by a well endowed man. I love watching her climax in ways she doesn’t with me. Is this TOO weird?

–John, IN

Who Gets To Determine What Is Normal?

First of all, what is considered “normal” in this society? There are so many varieties of people with different cultures and different backgrounds who all do things a little bit differently that it’s practically impossible for anyone to determine a baseline of what is considered “normal” or “abnormal.” With that said, people might think your fantasy is weird if you share it with them, but what about those guys who like wearing women’s underwear – do you think that’s weird? Everyone’s own fantasy or fetish isn’t considered strange to them, but other people’s fantasies are labeled “weird” or “abnormal.” It’s all subjective, so worry less about what is “normal” and what isn’t and focus more on how to get what you and your partner both want in a sexually healthy relationship.

Confidence In Your Sexuality And Masculinity

If you enjoy watching your wife have sex with another man and are genuinely cool with it, you deserve some kudos! While involving other women with their wife in a 2-girl, 1 guy threesome is a typical man’s fantasy, the tables often get turned when a woman suggests bringing another man into the equation. Most men are too self conscious, too jealous and too insecure with themselves to really enjoy watching their partner be with another person sexually. If you’re not bothered by watching your wife become sexually intimate with another man and truly enjoy watching her be pleasured in this way, it speaks volumes about your confidence in yourself and your masculinity.

Have Fun!

The best way to judge if your sexual fantasy or fetish is “crossing” the line is to ask yourself the basic question – does it involve only consenting adults? Is everyone comfortable with what is going on? If so, have fun! As long as you and everyone involved can legally consent to sexual activity and no one is being harmed or doing something they’re uncomfortable doing, there is absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying your sexual fetish or fantasy. Make sure your relationship with your partner stays strong and healthy, and communicate with them regularly about what you like, what she likes and what the third person likes during sex. If any hard feelings come up, talk to your partner about them. If you have any suggestions about what would turn you on more, or if your partner has any suggestions about what would turn them on more, it’s important to keep an open line of communication going when it comes to your sex life. The biggest reason that threesome fantasies crumble is that partners have a breakdown in communication – enjoy yourself and talk to your partner often for a healthy and happy sex life!

How Do I Introduce BDSM To My Boyfriend?

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 01:26:22 +0000

Everyone has their fantasy or fetish, and everyone likes different things. It’s part of what makes us such a sexually diverse culture! Many people are into BDSM, or bondage, whether it’s soft BDSM or really getting into dominant and submissive roles. If you like BDSM, how can you introduce it to your partner without getting rejected and possibly even involving them in your fetishes and fantasies?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I’m very comfortable with my sexuality and a little on the BDSM side… I’ve been this way for years. My fiance and I have done a few things, but I want to try even more – costumes, props, etc. I don’t think he knows how dark my sexual side can be. How can I bring it up to him without scaring him?

–Desiree, MO

Let Your Partner Go First

Ask your partner what turns them on. This is not the time for a “sit down” talk, rather, you want to ask him in a very nonchalant sort of way. Bring it up if you’re watching a romantic movie with a hot sex scene, or even if you’re watching pornography together. If you’re visiting the mall, pop into the lingerie store or even the novelty stores that carry some sex toys. Asking your partner what turns them on opens them up to their own fantasies and gets their minds going.

Introduce Yourself Slowly

Don’t break into your fetish by surprising your partner with a leash and collar while wearing a full black leather outfit. You might scare them off! Try incorporating light BDSM into your foreplay and sexual routine, such as using a feather duster or even a light whip. Try purchasing some racier lingerie, or sexy shoes that reflect what turns you on. You can even suggest roleplaying light BDSM roles, such as light submission or light dominance. You might find that your partner really likes this type of sex play and begins to get more into it! If this happens, just ease into your fetish or fantasy slowly, until you’re really sharing with your partner what you like and what turns you on.

Try A Fantasy Box

A “Fantasy Box” is something you and your partner can try if you’re really shy about sharing your fantasies with your partner or your partner is really shy about sharing their fantasies with you. Write down your fantasies on a scrap piece of paper and put it in the box. Have your partner do the same. Make a “rule” that once a week, a fantasy is pulled out of the box and is enacted. If some fantasies require planning, give you and your partner enough time to purchase costumes, etc. This can even be something fun that you do together that can bring you and your partner closer! Decorate the fantasy box with things you both find sexy to make it even more fun.

No matter what, your sex life should be enjoyable and fulfilled, no matter what fetish or fantasy you like. You might be surprised – your fetish or fantasy probably isn’t as uncommon as you think it is! If your partner is freaked out by your fetish, whether it’s BDSM or something else, and you can’t work past it, consider that they might not be the partner for you. Remember – there’s someone out there for everyone!

Is Cross Dressing A Turn Off To Women?

Dan and Jennifer — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 22:00:37 +0000

Cross dressing isn’t something that’s a totally foreign concept to women, but not many of them have dated a guy that likes to cross dress. Does that mean cross dressing is a turn off to women, or do some women enjoy cross dressing? Or do still other women just not mind it? Here’s what you want to know about how women feel about cross dressing dudes.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I have a fetish for cross dressing. I like dressing up in sexy lingerie, but I don’t go out in public or anything. Are the any women out there who are open enough to consider this a normal part of a healthy sex life? I also like the idea of dressing up as a French maid and submitting myself to the lady of the manner….

–Jonathan, FL

Some Like It, Some Don’t

Many women aren’t going to be turned on by men who enjoy cross dressing – it’s just fact. While some women don’t mind it, some are going to be turned off by it. That doesn’t mean you have to give up what you enjoy though! There are women who enjoy cross dressing themselves, and who enjoy being with men who like to cross dress. There’s someone for everyone, no matter what your fetish or fantasy is. You just have to find them!

Where To Look

Okay, so popping over to the bookstore might help you meet a nice girl, it’s not likely to be the best place to meet someone who either won’t mind your cross dressing or someone who might even share your fetish with you. There are, however, lots of good places online to meet people who share your interests or similar interests to yours! Browse through online dating websites or online fetish websites where you can specify your interest in cross dressing before you even meet someone. It’s refreshing to know right off the bat that someone who shows interest in you through these websites know that you enjoy cross dressing and either like it or don’t have a problem with it.

How To Tell Someone Who Doesn’t Know

What if you’re already involved with someone or are dating someone who doesn’t know that you like to cross dress but you would like to share this fetish with them? This can be a tricky situation, but it’s definitely not an impossible one. Don’t have a “sit down” talk with them. This can be uncomfortable and will put your partner on the spot, and it can be especially awkward if they don’t react to your cross dressing in the way you expected. Try introducing it slowly. Buy a silky robe and see if your partner likes the feel of it on you. Try wearing her panties to bed and see what she thinks – if she doesn’t like it, you can always play it off as having fun. If she does, visit a lingerie shop with her, and pick out fun, sexy lingerie for both of you. Sharing your cross dressing with her slowly can help warm her up to the idea, and then you can begin to share your fantasies with her!

No matter what your fetish or fantasy is, it’s important to have someone you can share it with. Don’t judge other people and don’t let them judge you – to each his own and there’s always someone out there for everybody!

Help! I Fantasize About Being A Prostitute!

Dan and Jennifer — Sun, 31 May 2009 21:40:05 +0000

Everyone has a fantasy – some, more than others. Many people choose not to act out their fantasies, afraid that their fantasies will offend someone, or embarrass them. You can, however, act out your fantasy in a safe, fun way with your partner, making your sex life that much sweeter. How can you act out your fantasy with your partner, especially if you’re not sure that they share your fantasy?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I fantasize about being a prostitute, having sex with strangers and being naughty – having to do what the other person wants and even getting paid for it. I want to experience this fantasy with my husband, but he’s not comfortable being the ‘dominant’ one. How can we pull this off so that everyone has fun?

–Lisa, WA

Consenting Adults Get The Green Light

When it comes to acting out a fantasy, as long as your fantasy is safe (as in, doesn’t cause anyone harm) and is between consenting adults, there’s no reason you shouldn’t be able to act out your fantasy and have fun! No matter what your fantasy is, if you’re not hurting anyone and everyone involved is okay with it, there’s nothing that should stop you from satisfying your deepest sexual desires and fantasies.

Sexual Compatibility

That said, many people don’t share the same fantasies and might be uncomfortable with another person’s fantasy. How can you tell if your partner is sexually compatible with you and your fantasy without putting yourself out there and risking embarrassment? The trick is not to have a “sit down” talk with your partner. Often, this can be overwhelming for a partner, especially if your fantasy is something they’ve never had any experience with before. Try introducing your partner to your fantasy slowly, by dressing in some lingerie or a costume that suits your fantasy, or even simply playing with dominant and submissive roles. If your partner shows that he or she is interested in your fantasy, or turned on by what you’re doing, try introducing a little more each time until you’re really ready to tell them about what you want to act out and what your fantasy is.

Fantasy Box

Many couples and partners use something called a “fantasy box” where they can submit their fantasies on paper in a safe and fun environment. With a fantasy box, you can write your fantasies down on a piece of paper, and slip it into the box. Every week (or however often you would like), you can pull a piece of paper out of the box and act out the fantasy. It’s fun to be spontaneous, and both you and your partner already know you’ll be acting out a fantasy, so you’ll be in a great mindset to have a good time! Some fantasies take a bit of preparation, so, it can also be fun to pull a fantasy out of the box a few weeks ahead of time and go shopping together for toys, lubes or costumes – whatever your fantasy requires!

The bottom line is, as long as your fantasy – whether it be acting out the fantasy of being a prostitute or something else – is between consenting adults, and you introduce your fantasy slowly to your partner or use a fantasy box, you can have fun indulging in your sexual desires and grow closer to your partner.

Asexual Wanting BDSM But Not Sex – Is It The Medication?

Dan and Jennifer — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 13:52:01 +0000

A self-proclaimed asexual begins taking medication and now finds herself having a strong sex drive – not only wanting sex, but BDSM as well! Is this normal? Is she falling out of the asexual orientation, or does her medication have something to do with it? It may be confusing and intimidating, but it’s important to get to the root of the issue – what is really going on here?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I’ve been asexual all my life. I met my boyfriend on an asexual website. I’m taking medication and now I’m getting a sex drive. Now, all I can think about is BDSM. I can live with normal sex, but I can’t be happy with BDSM. My mind would never accept this type of lifestyle. What do I do?

–Alyssa, Virginia

What is “Asexual”

“Asexual” is a sexual orientation, much like being gay, bisexual, lesbian or straight. Asexual people usually do not desire sex, and form emotional and satisfying relationships without being sexual at all. It’s comparable to celibacy, with the exception that asexuality is a sexual orientation and not a choice like celibacy is. You might want to compare it to the difference between being a lesbian (a sexual orientation) or just choosing to have a threesome because it’s fun. Asexuality is like celibacy, but it’s something that is rooted deep inside of the person’s identity rather than a choice.

A Sudden Interest In BDSM – Is It The Medication?

In this particular situation, experiencing a different set of emotions and feelings right after beginning a new medication should not be taken lightly. Anti-depressants, epilepsy medications and other type of mind altering medications can make you feel all sorts of different ways, even ways that you would have never expected or anticipated. If you’ve just started taking a new medication and find that your emotional and even sex drive is different than before you began the medication, it’s important to talk to your doctor. Talk with your medical doctor or even a psychiatrist to find out whether these new feelings are a side effect of the medication and will dissipate or not. If these new feelings are a result of the medication, ask your doctor if you are able to switch to a different medication that may not cause these side effects, or how to best handle the side effects until your body gets used to the medication.

It’s Not The Medication – Now What?

If you’ve found out that the medication has not caused your newfound desires and fantasies, it’s time to dig deep and start questioning yourself. You may still be asexual, but if you’re having desires and fantasies, find out where your comfort zones are. Are you okay with incorporating sex into your life? What about the BDSM part? In this situation, this particular person is uncomfortable with acting out on her BDSM fantasies. Why? Examine yourself and ask yourself why you’re comfortable with some things and not others. Think about trying BDSM, or slowly easing yourself into it. Try light roleplaying, or even a little dressing up, without harming yourself or harming someone else. There are lots of fun ways to get into BDSM without starting with the whips and chains. You might find out that this is something you really enjoy, with or without sex!

Remember, experimenting with your desires and fantasies is fun – it’s not supposed to be intimidating or make you feel ashamed. As long as you and anyone else involved is having fun and isn’t getting hurt, what is the harm in trying a few things out? It could be something that really fulfills your life, even asexually.

Help! My Boyfriend Wants To Be Tied Up!

Dan and Jennifer — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 23:46:43 +0000

If your partner is into BDSM and you’ve never tried it before, it can be kind of intimidating if you don’t know where to start. Don’t be! You don’t have to start with whips and chains – there are lots of fun, light BDSM ideas to get you started and you can have fun with it from there.

Dear Dan And Jennifer,

My boyfriend wants to be tied up, but I’ve never done it before! What are some tame ideas that I can start with that are comfortable for both of us?

–Sheila, Texas

Tying Him Up

If you want to start by tying your partner up but you’ve never done it before, try using light bondage such as fuzzy handcuffs or silk ties. You can even incorporate a blindfold to make it more exciting! Loosely tie your partner to a chair or to a bedpost and make sure the knot is too tight. A good thing to do before you start tying your partner up – or start doing anything BDSM related at all – is to come up with a code word that either partner can use if something becomes uncomfortable or painful. “Stop” is usually inefficient in the heat of the moment, so come up with something totally unrelated like, “banana” or “fairies.” It may sound silly, but it’s a great way to communicate if something has gone too far.

What To Do Once You’ve Tied Him Up

Chances are, your partner wants to be tied up because he’s wanting to feel a little submissive. So slip into a more dominant role and lightly tease him! You can tease him using props, such as chocolate sauce or even a light feather duster. If you’re really feeling kinky, a light elastic whip might do the trick! Tease him with nibbling, kissing, light biting and possibly light spanking if he’s into it. You can also do a little anal play while he’s tied up, because most guys are unresponsive to anal play ordinarily. Be careful with this, but you might find that your partner enjoys being in a submissive position and would be more receptive to anal play this way. If you want to try anal play, be gentle and go slow! Also, giving him a nice lap dance can be a great finishing touch while he’s completely tied up.

Advanced BDSM

If you and your partner find light BDSM interesting, you might be more willing to venture into something a little more hardcore. You never have to do anything you’re not comfortable with, but if it turns you on, why not? There are lots of stores – real and online – that can provide you with costumes, toys, sexy shoes, gags, muzzles, leashes and anything you can imagine to help you get your BDSM groove on. Just make sure you have your safe word handy (or a safe gesture if you’re gagged) and you’re ready to go!

First and foremost, whether you’re engaging in regular sex or BDSM, it’s important that you’re comfortable with everything on the table. Communicate to your partner beforehand what you like and listen to what they like – be open and honest about sharing your fantasies and non-judgmental when it comes to acting them out. If you’re open to it, you and your partner can find lots of ways to enrich your sex life and have a more exciting and satisfying time with each other!

My Husband Wants Me To Have Sex With A Donkey

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 13:45:13 +0000

Believe it or not, animal bestiality isn’t uncommon in the world of sexual preferences and pleasures. Fortunately, it’s not as common as the missionary position, but people still engage in animal bestiality to give themselves pleasure. Is animal bestiality okay? What if you’re uncomfortable with it?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My husband wants me to have sex with a donkey and videotape it. I’m incredibly uncomfortable with it, but he says if I don’t, it’s over. What do I do?

–Jeanne, Arkansas

You’re Uncomfortable With It

If you’re uncomfortable with animal bestiality, join the masses. Most people don’t agree with bestiality and many people are extremely uncomfortable with it.

If you’re not comfortable with animal bestiality, that’s perfectly normal – but what if animal bestiality is something you enjoy? Is it okay to indulge your sexual pleasures this way?

Typically, sex is something that is limited to being between two consenting adults that aren’t truly harming each other. Once you step outside this box, you run the risk of really hurting someone or even getting in legal trouble.

An animal cannot give consent to sexual activity with a person in much the same way a child cannot, and engaging in animal bestiality crosses the line as much as child molestation does.

If you find yourself in this situation, don’t be afraid to seek help! There are lots of ways to enjoy sex without hurting other people or animals.

Your Partner Wants You To Do It

If your partner enjoys animal bestiality and you don’t, you might find yourself in an incredibly uncomfortable situation, especially if your partner is pressuring you to have sex with an animal.

Whether it’s an animal, another person or even your partner themselves, you have the right to have sex or not have sex at your discretion.

If animal bestiality makes you uncomfortable, don’t do it! If your partner is pressuring you to do things that you’re not okay with doing, recognize that you’re being manipulated and walk away.

Even if your partner is threatening to leave you or harm you in some way if you don’t do what they ask – whether it be having sex with an animal or doing anything else that makes you uncomfortable – you’d be better off if they did.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help or even let a law enforcement official know about your situation if you truly feel that your safety and well being is being threatened if you don’t do what your partner is asking you to do.

The Bottom Line

The bottom line is that you shouldn’t be pressured by anyone to do anything that you’re not comfortable with doing. That includes animal bestiality and anything else that you’re just not okay with doing.

Don’t let yourself be manipulated into engaging in any sexual act that you don’t want to engage in. On the other side of the coin, if you find yourself in a position where you are enjoying sexual acts that are crossing the line – including animal bestiality – it’s important that you take a step back and realize where that line should be drawn.

Keep sex between two consenting adults and keep it safe – there are many ways to have a fulfilling and satisfying sex life without taking it too far.

Rough, Hard Sex – Is It A Fetish, Or Something More?

Dan and Jennifer — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 13:39:27 +0000

There are as many ways to have sex as there are people in the world – whether you enjoy slow, sensual intimacy with your partner or a little raunchy fun, sex is an incredible experience between two people. Many people enjoy rough, hard sex – is it just a fetish or something more?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I love rough, hard sex. I like to have it all the time! Is this just a fetish or is there something wrong with me?

–Alyssa, New Jersey

What Goes On Behind Closed Doors?

What goes on in your bedroom – or living room or kitchen, for that matter – is your business as long as it is between two consenting adults and isn’t harming anyone. Most of the time sex – even the rough, hard kind – falls into this category but occasionally it doesn’t.

Make a mental checklist of what is going on between you and your partner when you have rough sex. Are both parties consenting adults? Is either party being hurt in some way? Usually, this is where some types of rough, hard sex cross the line.

Some people enjoy being hurt, but it’s important to look at the extent of it to decide how much is too much. Strangulation and asphyxiation are especially dangerous, as are things that would require either partner to seek a doctor’s attention afterwards.

If you like rough, hard sex, just make sure you’re being safe.

Is It A Fetish?

Typically, a fetish is an obsession with a single thing – such as shoes or bondage – but that doesn’t mean a liking for rough, hard sex is excluded. If you enjoy rough sex all the time, so much so that you avoid having any other type of sex, you might have a bit of a fetish.

That’s okay – as long as you’re not truly hurting someone or involving someone that doesn’t want to be involved. If your partner really enjoys rough sex and you do too, it can be a great way to connect in the bedroom.

If your partner enjoys rough, hard sex and you typically do not, that’s when it may cross the line.

Open Communication

If your partner likes hard sex and you don’t, make sure your partner knows this right away! You don’t have to submit yourself to sex that isn’t enjoyable to you and may be hurting you.

Chances are, your partner will be open to finding new ways of pleasing you and themselves without rough sex.

If feel that your partner might have a serious issue with rough sex, especially if they refuse to stop even after you’ve asked them to, it’s definitely going too far. If this is the case, consider the fact that you and your partner might not be a good match for each other.

Whether you enjoy rough, hard sex with your partner or prefer a softer side of your partner in the bedroom, just keep the lines of communication as open as you can.

Whether it’s coming up with a safety word that lets you both know it’s time to stop or simply letting your partner know you’re not really into the hard sex fetish, communication is the key to a healthy and happy sexual relationship.

Shoe Fetish – How Can I Find A Partner To Enjoy It With Me?

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 13:15:28 +0000

Many people have fetishes, whatever they may be. Some of the most common fetishes, however, are bondage and shoe fetishes. If you have a shoe fetish or another type of fetish, it might seem daunting to try to find a partner to enjoy your fetish with, but with a little searching, you can definitely find someone who likes shoes – or anything else – as much as you do.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I love shoes — I mean, I really love shoes. Some people might say I have a sexual fetish with them. How can I find someone that loves shoes as much as I do?

–Richard, New York

Finding A Partner That Shares Your Fetish

While it may not be particularly easy to find a partner that you enjoy sharing your fetish with, it’s definitely not impossible. There are several ways to meet someone that likes what you like!

While you can search your local newspaper ads or even just visit places that people that share your fetish would visit – such as shoe stores – one of the easiest and most versatile ways to find someone that you can enjoy your fetish with is online.

There are a number of websites you can visit, or you can simply do a search to find websites that cater to your particular type of fetish. Browse around a few of them and you might be surprised – through forums, message boards or straight up personals, you can find someone that enjoys your fetish as much as you do!

You can also try searching through traditional websites, such as Craigslist or other similar websites for personal ads – or try putting up your own personal ad! You might not meet someone to enjoy your fetish with you right away, but with time and persistence, it’s possible that you’ll meet a partner that you really enjoy spending time with in and outside of your fetish.

Introducing Your Fetish

If you meet someone to share your fetish with online, especially if it’s through a fetish website, breaking the ice about your fetish isn’t difficult at all – in fact, it’s what brought you together!

However, you may find someone you’re interested in that you’ve met outside of your fetish. Breaking the ice about your fetish should be done slowly and carefully – you wouldn’t want to scare your partner away!

If you have a shoe fetish, you could start by going shoe shopping with your partner and trying on shoes together. Let them know what you think looks good! If you have a bondage fetish, try introducing a pair of fuzzy handcuffs or a tie in the bedroom.

By working your way up, you can make sure that you don’t scare your partner away from your fetish (or you) and you can help your partner to learn to enjoy your fetish as much as you do!

If you have a fetish, no matter how strange or unusual it is, it’s nice to be able to share that with someone you enjoy spending time with. As long as you’re not harming anyone and everyone involved is a consenting adult, let yourself have fun and open up to others who enjoy your fetish as well!

You might find that you meet someone truly special that you share a connection with both in and out of your particular fetish!

Is My Foot Fetish Weird?

Paul Carlson — Sun, 02 Nov 2008 22:05:04 +0000

Many people have fetishes. In fact, most people do. Many men have breast or butt fetishes, although those aren’t considered weird because most guys like breasts and butts.

Other fetishes, such as foot fetishes or back fetishes may be considered strange because the majority of people don’t have these types of fetishes.

Does that mean you’re not normal? How do you tell your partner about the fetish you enjoy?

Is my foot fetish really weird?

You’re not hurting anyone, are you?

You’d be surprised at how many men do actually have foot fetishes. While it’s not the majority by any means, if you have a foot fetish, you’re certainly not alone! Foot fetishes aren’t wrong, bad or weird at all, although some people are going to think they are because your fetish is different from theirs.

That’s okay. People are entitled to their own feelings but they’re also entitled to their own fetishes. It’s a live and let live sort of situation. If your fetish isn’t hurting anyone, namely yourself or your partner, it’s perfectly fine.

There are really only a few simple guidelines to tell if your fetish is something that you should be concerned about. You don’t want to hurt anyone, you don’t want it to be illegal and it should always be between two consenting adults. If you’ve covered all your bases, your fetish is probably fine. If you’re really that worried, see a sex therapist. Otherwise, enjoy your fetish!

Getting your partner to participate.

This is where it can be tricky. If you come right out and tell your partner that you have a foot fetish or other type of fetish, it can turn them off immediately.

That’s not necessarily because they won’t enjoy it, it’s just that society has programmed our brains to register immediately what society accepts as normal and what it doesn’t. These things have been drilled in since childhood, and it can be very difficult for some people to get past them.

Don’t give up.

Don’t give up though! If you have a foot fetish or other fetish, try introducing it to your partner without an introduction. Try massaging your partner’s feet slowly, kissing them and eventually licking them. At each stage, judge their response.

If they seem into it, have at it! If they seem to shy away, ask them how it feels. Are they too ticklish? You can also spread this out over a period of time, doing a little more each time you have an encounter with your partner.

This works well for other types of fetishes as well, including bondage or sadism and masochism. Just remember to make sure no one gets really hurt!

After you’ve kind of warmed your partner up to your fetish in an inadvertent way, you can talk to them about it. Don’t be afraid to be open and honest at this point, especially if they’ve been responsive to it.

Start by saying that you really enjoyed what happened and go from there. If your partner wasn’t responsive to it, now is the time to be honest and let them know that you really enjoy your fetish.

You and your partner might be able to make a compromise. You’d be surprised though. Your partner may end up having a fetish that you didn’t know about either!

MILF Fantasy – Should I Have Sex With My Ex’s Mom?

Dan and Jennifer — Sat, 20 Sep 2008 11:01:58 +0000

When it comes to dating, finding the opportunity to make your move can be intimidating and frustrating. Fortunately, sometimes the universe smiles in your favor and gives you a golden opportunity.

What if you don’t take it, only to realize later on that you wished you would have taken it? Have you lost the opportunity forever?

Realizing It Too Late

Whether you were at a dinner party where your prospective partner had a little too much wine and let you give them a massage, or whether you’re in a dark theater and their hand gently caresses yours, a golden opportunity is what it is. It’s the perfect time to make your move and see what happens and where it goes.

If you find that you’ve only noticed this opportunity after the opportunity has already passed, you may be feeling angry at yourself for missing it or realizing it too late. You’re not alone!

Plenty of people miss great opportunities in the dating world, although that might not make it any easier for you to cope with an opportunity missed. The question then becomes, have you totally blown it?

Recreating The Chance

Sometimes when you miss a chance to get with someone, you have a chance to recreate the opportunity and try again. While this doesn’t always happen, you can try. Think about how to recreate what happened when you missed your “golden opportunity.”

Did it happen at the movie theater? Invite your prospective date to another movie. Do what you can to recreate the mood and ambiance of your opportunity.

You Might Have Missed Out

Recreating your missed opportunity might be a good idea, but it doesn’t always work and you should realize that before giving it a go. Many times, people make decisions that they wish they hadn’t later. For example, that great massage after the dinner party might have been something that person regretted or wished hadn’t happened.

They might be grateful it didn’t go any farther than that. Be prepared to find out that your missed opportunity happened only because of a lapse in judgment.

Picking Up The Spare

Being successful in recreating your golden opportunity can feel a bit like picking up the spare in bowling. Consider that your potential partner may have opened up the opportunity the first time because they like you. It is certainly possible.

If this is the case, they might be disappointed that you didn’t take them up on it, but they could still be open to taking it further if you pursue making a move of your own. If this is the case, you’ll likely be more successful in recreating your opportunity and nabbing a date or a kiss.

If this should happen, you can easily explain to your date that you didn’t realize the opportunity was knocking the first time around but you’re definitely into them and want to take it further.

No matter which way you go about it, you’re going to have to accept the fact that you might have blown it. Then again, you might not have. The only way to find out is to try again. Recreate your opportunity and see what happens. You might be surprised!

Are My Sexual Fetishes And Kinky Fantasies Bad?

Paul Carlson — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 13:46:16 +0000

Almost everyone has a sexual fetish or fantasy of some kind, but many people don’t like to admit it.

Society has put sort of a damper on being open and honest about what turns us on sexually, however, most of it is healthy and even natural.

Most fetishes and fantasies aside though, some of them can be dangerous or harmful. How do you know if what turns you on goes too far?

Are sexual fetishes bad?

Are fantasies healthy?

Healthy Fetishes and Fantasies

First, let’s distinguish between a fetish and a fantasy. A fetish is in part an obsession on one particular thing whereas a fantasy can incorporate several different sexual and non sexual elements.

You’ve probably heard of a fetish before, such as a foot fetish, and who hasn’t had a sexual or non sexual fantasy? You may, in fact, have both fetishes and fantasies. That’s perfectly normal. It only means that you’re human.

So what is a healthy fetish or fantasy? Well, there’s no “list” of what’s healthy and what’s not, so it’s something you need to determine yourself. Does your fetish or fantasy make you uncomfortable in any way?

Don’t use others’ reactions as a guide. Someone might find that a fetish for crotchless panties disgusting when there’s really no harm at all in enjoying crotchless panties. It’s really a classic example of “to each his own.”

What if your fetish or fantasy is a little more extreme than that? Do you like S&M pornography or do you enjoy biting or being bitten during sex? These are still relatively healthy and normal fetishes, although that is where it starts to get a little hairy.

When Does It Cross The Line?

Basically, it crosses the line when someone gets hurt and they don’t want to. Now, in S&M and some other fetishes and fantasies, people do get hurt a little.

It all boils down to consent. If all parties involved are consenting, there really is no harm in . . . well, a little harm. It does go too far though. If you’re really hurting someone and they don’t like it. In fact, it doesn’t even have to be “harmful.”

If any other person involved isn’t comfortable with what you’re doing, you’ve crossed the line. Back up a little and find another way to enjoy your fetishes and fantasies without harming someone or making them uncomfortable in any way.

That said, there are some fetishes or fantasies that might signal you need some help. If you have any questions about whether your fetishes and fantasies are normal, run it by a therapist or more specifically a sex therapist. Most fantasies are normal but in rare cases where someone might fantasize about really hurting someone else, it’s time to seek help.

If you’re worried that your fantasy or fetish isn’t normal, keep in mind that there’s a very wide range for what “normal” is. Some people fantasize about phone sex while others think feet are the most erotic thing in the world. Some women fantasize about a sexy pirate with rock hard abs sweeping them off their feet while others just want to spank their partners.

As long as everyone involved is comfortable and consenting, there is nothing wrong with indulging your fetishes and fantasies! Remember that everyone is different and unless someone is getting hurt or is uncomfortable, or you are fantasizing about really hurting someone, just enjoy the ride!

Peeping Tom – How Do I Turn My Fantasy Into Reality?

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 14:33:53 +0000

Voyeurism. Watching. Peeping.

It’s not all bad…

Many people find themselves in the situation where they’re watching someone having sex, and they’re a little surprised to find out they enjoy it.

Everyone has a little bit of voyeurism in them, but what happens if you want to take it to the next level? What is okay and what isn’t?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Living next door is a beautiful girl my age. We are both 18. We have been friends and have flirted and done other fun things. My bedroom looks over at hers. I have sometimes seen her undressing and doing other sexy things. The other night I saw another guy in her room. They were making out. The shades were left open. To be honest I would like to see her doing it. I would like to watch them have sex. What suggestions would you give for me watching them without being caught? Could she want me to see her having sex? I want to do it with her, if I see them doing it. Should I tell her? What would I say? How do I say that I would like to be with her?

-Roger, PA

Do they know I’m watching?

Most of the time, someone who wants to be watched or doesn’t care will leave their window curtains or blinds up. Chances are, this is what happened if you’re able to get a good view of your neighbor or someone else while they’re undressing or having sex. It’s actually very unlikely that they don’t know you’re watching.

Does that make it right? It depends. If you’re having to do a lot of maneuvering, such as using binoculars or there just happens to be this one spot in the blinds that allows you to get a view, it’s probable that your object of affection doesn’t want to be watched. You might want to back off, because this could get you in a fair amount of trouble.

If they’re leaving their blinds wide open and you can see them while eating your dinner, you can be pretty sure they’re doing it intentionally.

Is it okay to watch them?

If you’ve been watching someone, such as an attractive neighbor or friend, undress and possibly even have sex with another person, you’ll likely find yourself quite turned on. This is normal. We all like to watch someone have sex in some form or another. Why do you think pornography is such a successful industry? If you find that you’re interested in taking your peeping to the next level, you’re not the only one.

How can I approach them?

This can be tricky. You don’t want to start out the conversation by saying, “So . . . I’ve been watching you.” That can lead to some pretty uncomfortable situations. Just approach them the same way you would approach anyone with whom you are interested in starting a relationship. Ask them out on a date, or have coffee with them. If you really want to take it to the next level, get yourself on neutral ground with them so you can get to know them outside of their bedroom.

Can’t I just keep peeping?

If you’re intimidated by asking them out, you might be inclined to just continue to watch them from afar. This can develop into unhealthy obsessions, so this is not something you want to do.

Take a break from the peeping and find a real partner to hang out with, even if it’s not the person you’ve been watching. You’ll find that spending time with a real, live, breathing person is far better than watching someone through a window. If you find yourself unable to let go and you continue to peep, you may want to seek help.

All in all, watching your neighbor or someone else undress or have sex can be enticing and fun if they’re leaving their blinds wide open enough for you to see it. It’s perfectly fine to show normal interest in them and even ask them out on a date and spend time with them in the real world. Don’t make peeping a habit though. It can turn into an ugly habit that you can’t break away from.

Sexual Fetishes – Is My Smoking Fetish Weird?

Dan and Jennifer — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 14:00:08 +0000

Everyone has different turn-ons, ranging from turn-ons that seem relatively mild to turn-ons that seem to be completely out there and fetishistic.

How do you know if what turns you on is normal or not? Should you continue to do what turns you on, even if other people think it’s weird?

Many people have these same questions and are wondering what to do about their turn ons. What should you do?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I’m a 59 year old male and I have always found the sight of a woman smoking a cigarette to be very arousing. I am fortunate that my wife (an inveterate smoker) understands this and uses it to excite me but (the question is from both of us) is this weird? Have you heard of it before?

-Marty, Pennsylvania

Are your turn-ons normal?

Let’s take a look at normal for a moment… Human beings can’t really be considered normal. There is such a wide range of likes, dislikes, habits and more from person to person that you can’t really pin anything down and consider it “the norm.”

That said, what turns you on is probably just fine! Do you like it when women wear high heels? Do you like to wear the high heels yourself? Do you get turned on when women are smoking a cigarette? Go with it! As long as your turn-ons don’t involve harming other people or doing anything illegal in any way, your turn-ons are perfectly fine.

Enjoy and indulge in what gets you excited!

Don’t scrutinize yourself, or let others do so.

Although people are different in so many ways, that doesn’t stop them from judging others. Human beings have a bad habit of passing judgment on their neighbors when they themselves are doing something that would be considered “strange” by someone else’s standards.

Guess what? Everybody is different! Don’t let others try to tell you that you are weird or strange, unless your turn-ons include something that would cause harm to another or that is illegal. If not, then take comfort in the fact that the person judging you is most likely insecure themselves.

On the same token, don’t scrutinize yourself. If you think your own turn-ons are weird and they make you uncomfortable, don’t do anything about them. Chances are, however, that your turn-ons are perfectly fine to you and you should accept yourself for who you are.

Find someone to play with.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to find someone who likes to play the same way you do. Find someone who shares your interests and shares your turn-ons. If there are two of you who are turned on by the same thing, it will be more fun for you to both engage in what turns the other on! It’s a perfect give and take. It may take time and patience to find that special someone, but if you keep trying, you’ll end up winning out. You can then share all of your turn-ons with your partner, and enjoy them together.

Unless your turn-ons are dangerous, they’re fine for you. If they work for you, let them! Don’t worry so much. Everyone has their own quirks and way that they do things. Just be a good sport. If you don’t want others judging you for what turns you on, don’t judge them! You might meet someone who has a turn on that you think is weird, but remember someone else out there might think your turn on is weird too!

We’re all in the same boat. Accept your turn on and everyone else will too. What works for you might not work for someone else and vice versa, and that’s okay! Just enjoy yourself and your turn ons!

What’s Your Safe Word? How to Get Off Without Getting Hurt

The Beautiful Kind — Fri, 30 May 2008 15:09:38 +0000

You’ve seen the stories in the news – a woman dies during a sex play session with her husband.

The articles are vague, but they usually mention the word “kinky,” a kitchen appliance malfunctioning, and the husband being held for questioning. You don’t want this to happen to you.

BDSM is fun and exciting, but you have to invest time in making it a positive experience for everyone involved.

Negotiating scenes, checking play equipment, and doing a little preparation ahead of time will keep things safe and sane. Here’s a little checklist of things to consider when veering from vanilla sex.

Addressing the Physical Side of BDSM

Be present. Don’t be drunk or otherwise out of it.

Never put anything around someone’s neck. OK, maybe a dog collar, but not ropes or bungee cords.

Don’t leave a restrained person alone. You don’t want your sex life to turn into a Stephen King novel.

If you’re playing with rope, have EMT scissors on hand in case you need to break out of something quickly.

Have water nearby to keep your honey hydrated and comfortable as you torment and tease.

Don’t lose your handcuff key!

When “no” doesn’t mean “no”: Part of your play might involve you pretending to resist, and your partner needs to know when you really need a time out. Have a safeword that is two syllables or less you can call out if things get too intense. (Mine is “bluebird,” as in, “the bluebird of happiness.”) It’s also a good idea to have a safetune to hum if the mouth is stuffed with something like a ball gag and you need a break.

Use safe props like cold water and ice cubes as punishment. It stings in the moment, but doesn’t cause lasting damage.

Addressing the Emotional Side of BDSM

Negotiate a scene. Discuss your turn ons, turn offs, limits, and what you both want out of the experience. Have any ideas for props or role playing? One fun way I discuss my fantasies with my partner is through Instant Messenger. We IM each other from separate rooms, acting out a fantasy virtually, which gets us worked up mentally and physically. Mmm, virtual foreplay!

Let’s talk about safewords again. One thing I have noticed in my experience is that I don’t want to use my safeword. I have come to think that uttering it would be weak, and it’ a source of pride for me that I don’t use it. GET OVER THIS MENTALITY. Your dom is depending on you to keep him or her informed of your state of mind. Body language can be read, but not minds. It might be a good idea to employ a play session where the goal is to make the sub use the safeword.

Afterwards, baby your sub. Make sure he or she is hydrated, warm, and comfortable.

Talk about it afterwards. Share with each other what you liked and didn’t like about the scene. If something freaked you out, that’s not a deal breaker, it’s a learning experience.

Once again I recommend filling out the BDSM fetish checklist, as it has a section on limits, safewords, and signals. Not only does your partner learn more about what turns you on, but in filling it out, YOU learn something about yourself as well. It’s so much fun to explore. Be safe, be well, and flog on!

Is It Normal For a Virgin to Be Into BDSM?

Dan and Jennifer — Fri, 16 May 2008 13:43:17 +0000

As a virgin, it’s normal to find yourself turned on and sexually excited by many things, even if you’ve never actually had sexual intercourse.

What turns you on is going to be different from what turns someone else on, and it’s important to embrace diversity and celebrate your uniqueness!

Is there ever a point where something that turns you on would not be considered normal, especially if you’re a virgin?

Well, yes and no. It’s a complicated situation that needs a hard, honest look.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I found your website on YouTube. I think I am into BDSM or there may be something wrong with me. I believe I am more Sadistic than Masochistic though and I am still a virgin as is my boyfriend. He likes to be clawed and chained (yet to let me do that though) and when I scream in pain because I got hurt or something he gets a little excited. I have clawed him so bad I took chunks of skin out of his hips and when he screamed in pain I laughed at him.

The idea of burning, whipping, tying down, flogging, wrist/handcuffing, caging, and torturing him sounds fun. Is there something wrong with me?

Is it possible for a virgin to be into BDSM like this?

- Barbara, Missouri

Virgin Into BDSM

BDSM often refers to fetishes in general, although many use it to refer to the old S&M or sadism and masochism. Some people find themselves turned on by being possessive and powerful or submissive and this is usually completely natural.

Do you enjoy pain? Many people do. Why else are tattoos, piercings and other body modifications so popular? Lots of people enjoy receiving pain and even giving it, and it’s nothing new to interpret BDSM sexually, even if you are a virgin. There is no law that says that if you’ve never had sex that you can’t enjoy giving and receiving pain and being turned on by it sexually. It’s the same for young men that are turned on by their parent’s Playboy magazines. It is simply what turns you on.

Can you ever go too far?

It’s important to look at what is “too far” for you. If you’re adamant about staying a virgin, than yes, having sexual intercourse would be “too far.” You need to examine your beliefs and morals on your own and really look at them to determine what would be too far for you and your partner.

That said, with BDSM, it is possible to go too far with the giving and receiving of pain. Are you and your partner getting hurt? Are you engaging in dangerous activity that could cause infections or transmitted diseases? If so, you may want to look at toning it down a notch, especially if anything that you and your partner are doing is illegal. If you’re simply looking to put a little kink into your relationship, there’s generally no harm in that.

Are you normal?

Normal, by definition, is something that doesn’t really exist in humanity. Everyone is different. If your attraction to BDSM and fetishes feels normal to you, you most likely don’t have anything to worry about, especially if you and your partner’s actions aren’t hurting anyone.

If you find yourself really looking to hurt your partner, hurt yourself or hurt other people and you feel as though something is wrong with you, don’t be afraid to get help. Seek counseling in an atmosphere where you won’t feel judged.

Overall, most inclinations towards BDSM are normal and perfectly healthy, even if you are a virgin. If you do find yourself hurting your partner or allowing your partner to hurt you, it is important to stop and perhaps tone it down. Nobody needs to get hurt to have a some good, old fashioned S&M fun.

Remember play it safe! Have a code word that you or your partner can use if things get too rough. Once the code word is said, everything stops. If what you’re doing is safe and appealing to you, just have a good time and don’t worry about it!

Tools of the Trade… Your BDSM Shopping List

The Beautiful Kind — Thu, 08 May 2008 14:00:51 +0000

So are you ready to get your kink on?

What will you need? Where are you going to get it? How crazy do you want to be?

This article will offer an interesting twist on classic BDSM items, as well as introduce you to a few new possibilities.

Hint: I’ve found a new use for four AA batteries, and the results have been spine-tingling.

Bondage in Aisle 5 – Hardware Stores Seen in a Whole New Light

It’s so funny – now that I’m into BDSM, the most innocent places spark sexually interesting ideas. We’re talking hardware stores, garden stores, pet stores… I used to have to be dragged into these places for sink parts and dog food, and now I like ducking into the rope aisle to see what colors or textures they have in stock.

I’ll whiz past the rawhide chews to see what kind of dog collars will fit a human-size neck. (“Does this come with a matching leash?”) Garden shops have hemp rope for binding trees – now come on, trees aren’t going anywhere, let’s put that rope to better use!

The Shopping List

In addition to your hands and mouth, here are some suggestions for your BDSM bag of tricks, one for every day of the week:

1. Ropes

Practice your reverse prayer, chest harness, and hog tie techniques with a variety of ropes – nylon, hemp, cotton. Rough, smooth, thick, silky, it’s fun to experiment and find out which works best for you. Not only can you restrain someone with rope, but you can fashion it into something as sexy as lingerie – highlight various parts of the body and turn it into an art form.

Fun tip: Apply a vibrator to a taut length of rope and feel the vibration spread…

Where you can find it: hardware, garden, army surplus store, online. Or steal it from the local boy scout troop.

2. Handcuffs

Metal cuffs are edgier and more painful, and lend an extra air of humiliation to your play session. It’s especially intense when they tighten up as you’re having sex, it’s like being bitten. I also like the smell of them – the oiled metal is hot.

Where you can find it: sex store, gun store, your friendly neighborhood police officer.

3. Clothes pins

Clothes pins should be renamed “nipple clamps.” I mean, who uses them for hanging clothes these days? The inexpensive wooden clamps can be arranged in nice little rows along the curve of the torso or along the shoulder blades to make “angel wings.”

Where you can find it: grocery store, laundry aisle of retailer store, your old-fashioned neighbors clothesline.

4. Wartenberg Wheel

My girlfriend introduced this one to me (she has a bit of a medical equipment fetish). I LOVE this thing. It’s a stainless steel metal wheel on a handle with sharp pins radiating from the wheel. It rotates as it is rolled across the flesh, lighting nerves on fire. She likes holding me down and running it along my back, my front… she likes making me shriek and squirm.

Where you can find it: ebay, online BDSM store, neurologist’s office.

5. Flog

A flog is great because you can use it as the sweetest little tickle toy, or raise up some serious red welts by putting some muscle into it as you lay into your loved one. At this stage of my exploration, I’m enjoying the light sensations of the many little tails dancing on my skin. Flogs are usually made of leather or rubber.

Where you can find it: Farm supply store (riding crops too!), online BDSM store, make your own.

6. Butt plug

The butt is often the least explored body part, and that is putting tons of sensitive nerve endings to waste. Wearing a butt plug during sex can completely change the dynamics of an otherwise normal and pleasurable coupling. It can add a whole new level of intensity and vulnerability. And guess what – they aren’t just for the bedroom. You’d be surprised how many people are walking around in grocery stores wearing one. Turns a boring trip to the store for some sugar and cereal into something kinky and fun.

Where you can find it: sex store, online, your mom’s bedside table (OK that’s just a rude joke, but wouldn’t it be fun if it were true?)

7. Cobra Stinger

This is my newest discovery, and wow am I excited about it! The cobra stinger is this small black box with two metal prongs. It has a low and high setting. You have to touch both of the prongs in order to feel the minor electrical charge it puts out. Try touching it with two finger, and then running it up your arm. OR you can touch one prong and your partner can touch the other and get the current working through both of you.

Even trippier, if you are both touching it and touch the other person’s tongue – well talk about tongue tingling. It’s more about feeling a fascinating sensation than it is about pain.

Where you can find it: online BDSM store, in my hot little hand.

If you have a toy that you love that hasn’t been mentioned here, please share as a comment. We’re all learning as we go!

Next up: What’s Your Safe Word? How to Get Off Without Getting Hurt.

Are You Dom or Sub? Sexual Compatibility in the Bedroom

The Beautiful Kind — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 15:02:32 +0000

“Harder,” I whispered in the dark.

He tried to oblige and picked up the pace a bit.

“Harder!” I asked again. I needed it rough.

With that he stopped mid-thrust and it was game over for the night.

“I can’t treat you like that,” he said with disgust. I felt like a freak.

This was sex with my ex-husband.

Later, I had a relationship with another man, and I got him trained pretty well in the bedroom to do the things I liked, but out of the bedroom he constantly criticized me, complained that I needed to be more assertive and outgoing.

Fast forward through a handful of other brief failed relationships…

These days, I have a wonderful, loving, strong man who can give me a nice hard spanking or tie me up nice and snug. I finally found my dom – someone who can give me what I want in and out of the bedroom.

What is dom and sub?

A dominant person is a leader, likes to be in charge, is the person on top or does the tying. A submissive person is passive, a follower, is often the person being penetrated, and likes to be tied up.

A parallel to the dom/sub dichotomy is extroverted/introverted. For the most part, dom types are extroverts, and the subs are introverted. All you introverts out there know what a relief it is to have an outgoing partner who does well at parties. They take the pressure off of you.

A dom is often a boss, a politician, a lawyer. A sub is often a secretary, a jewelry maker, a massage therapist. But there’s always more than meets the eye! We’ve all heard of the high power businessman who pays a dominatrix to give him a good paddling.

So, dom or sub…which one are you?

Breaking a Pattern

I didn’t realize it, but I was habitually going for the wrong type. I have a thing for sensitive, intellectual academic types, and the men I kept ending up with had submissive personalities.

Turns out they wanted a woman who would lead the way, be in charge, wear the pants. I didn’t have that personality at all. I’m a skirt-wearing wimp. And the fact that I wanted it rough (oh fine – and that I had rape fantasies) made them nervous.

The guy who criticized me – we were one of those annoying bickering couples. And now I know that he resented me putting him in a dom role. It wasn’t comfortable for him.

Look at Your Own Relationship

Take a moment and think about your current relationship. If it’s good, it’s probably because you two match up well – one of you is predominately dom, and the other is predominately sub. If your relationship is tense or otherwise not ideal, it could be that you inadvertently ended up with a person who is the same type as you.

Two doms together are no good. Two subs together are also not good. If you’re matched up with the wrong partner, your sex life will be out of sync. Neither of you will be able to fulfill the other person if you both want to be tied up.

What to do? If you’re already paired up, explore the possibility of one of you switching roles and see how that feels. Some people find pleasure in both the dom and sub roles, depending on their mood.

If you are currently looking for a partner, keep this concept in mind while searching. Look for clues in other people that will indicate if you would be a good match or not. It’ll save you a lot of time and heartache.

Look at Others

Now take a moment to think about other relationships you know. How about your parents – is one of them the dominant type? Are they still together?

Think about the unhappy couples you know. What’s the source of their friction and frustration? What about the happy couples you know? Chances are, they are a good match because one is dom and one is sub.

I have a good rule of thumb for figuring out who wears the pants in a relationship – it’s the person who does most of the driving and whose voice is used as the message for the home answering machine.

But it’s not always so cut and dried. I thought long enough about one content couple I knew and figured out that the woman is a dom type who plays the submissive role.

Meanwhile, her husband is the sub type who is playing the dom role, and for some reason, this works for them. If one of them didn’t assume this role, then the whole thing would be off balance and they would run into problems.

Why do I think I’m such an authority on this? Well, I’m a self-proclaimed slut – I’ve had lots of sexual partners, LOTS of hands on research, and all that experience has given me insight on sexual compatibility in a way that someone who has only had sex with a handful of people can’t know.

I only wish I had this figured out ten years ago.

BDSM 101 – Moving Beyond Plain Vanilla Sex

The Beautiful Kind — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 13:56:30 +0000

A male friend of mine told me about something embarrassing that happened to him. He was in the throes of passionate sex with his girlfriend when, in a gesture of instinct, he put his hand over her face.

Immediately she froze in horror and blurted, “What are you doing?”

Well, how do you answer that? They resumed their lovemaking and talked about it afterwards. He told her he was going with the heat of the moment, and that to him it was an incredibly intimate gesture, a dominant move on his part.

She felt the opposite – she said it creeped her out and made her feel like an object. And there you have it – that one simple hand over the face gesture crossed the vanilla sex line.

What Do You Call Non-vanilla Sex?

I still haven’t found a good term for non-vanilla sex – chocolate? Strawberry with sprinkles? Chili sauce? This is a little problematic, since I overwhelmingly prefer it over vanilla.

Don’t get me wrong – vanilla sex has its place. But there are plenty of times when you just want to take it to “11,” like Nigel in Spinal Tap.

Taking it to “11”

First off, make sure you’ve covered the vanilla basics. Have you tried sexual positions like doggy style, reverse cowgirl? Have you played all the oral sex games, even 69 (highly overrated in my opinion)?

How about places – have you branched out from bedroom? I’m partial to the bathroom vanity myself, and the basement works well for my dungeon fantasies. How about anal sex? OK, now we’re crossing the line.

Consult the Checklist

Hopefully you have filled out the handy dandy BDSM fetish checklist I provided last month. Going through the checklist will be an eye opening experience for most couples. You’ll find out pretty quickly if one or both of you is dominant/submissive. Take turns picking a fantasy and trying it out.

Start small with blindfolds, silk scarves. A friend of mine had NO idea she liked blindfolds, until her boyfriend spontaneously wrapped her winter scarf around her head and gave her a massage on the couch. That smooth move prompted her to change her blindfold preference from a 3 to a 5 on the checklist. Instant addition to their bag of tricks!

Test Your Comfort Zone

As for me, I knew I liked rough sex, but I sure didn’t know I got turned on by a gentle face slap. My guy tried that one on me one time and I had a similar reaction to the woman with the hand on her face – I was shocked, but paused to process it. Did I like it? At first I didn’t, then found myself fantasizing about it later. As you can see, you can surprise yourself.

Be “Try-Sexual”

It pays to try new things, even if you think you might not like them. If you find you’re not crazy about it, don’t do it again. As long as you keep open communication going, pushing your boundaries shouldn’t “ruin” things. It’s all a learning process.

You can also experiment with swatting the bottom during sex, or pinning your partner’s hands above his or her head while you’re making love. Take a candle and drip hot wax on your partner – it’s easy to monitor this one – the higher up you hold it above someone when it drips, the less it hurts.

Someone once told me that they loved sex because it reminded them of what it was like to be a kid. “EXCUSE ME?” I said, eyebrows raised. “And just what kind of childhood did you have?” He laughed and explained, “With sex you get to be really messy and play make believe and just have fun!”

What a great attitude. Give your hang-ups a rest and explore with an open mind. Work the kinks OUT. Oh and by the way – my friend I mentioned at the beginning of this article? He ended up breaking it off with his girlfriend. It turns out they weren’t sexually compatible, and now they are both with better matched partners. In my next article, I’ll talk more about sexual compatibility when it comes to kink.

How to Get Your Freak On – The Beginner’s Guide to BDSM

The Beautiful Kind — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 15:00:55 +0000

A few months ago, I was talking to my new sex partner about what I liked in bed. “I like it a little rough,” I said, “You know, some hair pulling and some smacks on my butt while we’re having sex.”

He sat and pondered this and said, “Have you ever been bent over someone’s knee and spanked?”

Shocked, I exclaimed, “No!”

“Do you wanna try?” he offered.

I stared at him in astonishment.

He smiled and gestured at his lap. He wanted me to assume the position – right now!

My first instinct was to say no thanks – it was silly and weird! But then I reminded myself that I’m a self-proclaimed “trysexual,” so I decided to give it a go.

I lowered my pants, eyeballed him, then draped myself across his lap. He went slow, but he spanked me until my cheeks were pink. And they weren’t the only thing glowing. Turns out I liked it.

National Fetish Day

So how do you go about exploring BDSM and fetishes?

Everyone Has a Fetish

First, you have to come to terms with the fact that everyone is a pervert. That’s right – just like how everyone poops, every adult you know is secretly harboring their own brand of kink. Some never utter what truly excites them out loud. Some never share it with their partner. The poor dears are afraid of freaking people out.

It would be nice if there was a national coming out day for fantasies, a day where every person would put it right out there on the table and acknowledge their turn ons, As in, “Hello, my name is Lucy, and I have a thing for werewolves.” (At this point, my list of kinks looks like a dinner party grocery list.)

Believe me, even the most conservative person has something that titillates them. They tend to feel more ashamed and repress the feelings even more, then take it out on other people. This makes them seem mean, but really they’re just scared and frustrated. A nice spanking would probably do them wonders.

Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary, How Does Your Fetish Grow?

I’m a big fan of taking baby steps. If you have a partner, plant a little seed and then back off. Don’t tell them, “I want to host an orgy.” Instead, say something like, “Wouldn’t it be hot if there was someone over there in the corner watching us have sex?” or “I think watching two girls kiss is completely sexy – if you had to pick a female celebrity to make out with, who would you choose, honey?”

Until your partner is more comfortable, always include them in your fantasy scenario. If you don’t, they will feel threatened and alienated. You want them to feel like they’re a part of this intimate thing you are sharing, a partner in crime, if you will. Be patient with them – give them time to digest the idea, and slowly up the ante when the timing seems right.

It’s even better to own up to your kinky fantasy if you’re single, and here’s why – you have the opportunity to put it out on the table from the beginning, which is a lot easier than springing it on someone later.

Yep, I challenge you – on the second or third date, tell her that you like wearing women’s underwear. Tell him you used to play Burglar with your girlfriends during sleepovers. This has worked wonders for me. Oh sure, I’ve scared plenty of people off, but I didn’t fake my way into a relationship, which pretty much dooms its chances of being a happy, open and honest situation.

Are You Ready to Come Out?

Sure you are! You can start by going online and searching for the things that turn you on. The one thing I’ve heard over and over again from loads of people is: “Thank God for the internet. I’m not the only one.” Join an online community – it feels great to be able to let down your guard and talk openly about what you like, even if it is anonymous.

Next, try it out on a trusted friend, the kind of friend who would pick you up at 3am if your car broke down, or bring you a care package of cold syrup and cough drops if you were home sick fighting a monster cold.

Finally, share it with the person you are closest to – you know, the one you live or sleep with. I hear a lot of people claim that they married their best friend, but a best friend in my book is someone you can share EVERYTHING with. As in, no secrets. So just do it already.

A Invaluable Tool

Not able to pinpoint exactly what gets you excited? That’s understandable – you’ve had to keep a lid on it for as long as you can remember. A great way to find out what you like (LOVE!) is to fill out a BDSM checklist. You can find several versions on the internet, but the ones I’ve seen have been limiting or incomplete in my opinion. So I’ve created my own ultimate BDSM fetish checklist. You can easily copy and paste it into a word processing program, or print it out.

Take your time filling it out, chip away at it. Your first pass through it will not be the most accurate. A great next step is to have a friend or your partner fill it out, then compare them. I guarantee when you see someone else’s, you’ll want to go back and add to yours, or change some of the answers to be more honest. (You might also want to fill it out again in a few months and see how the answers have changed.)

How does yours compare to theirs? Are they similar? Are they opposite? If you’re comparing to your partner’s list, how can you incorporate some of these new ideas into your routine? For instance, who knew that you both had a thing for latex? This calls for a trip to the party supply store! Or medical supply store, depending on the kind of latex.

Yes, your journey towards bringing out your inner pervert has begun – congratulations! You’re replacing society’s blindfold and gag with a kind that is much more rewarding and fun.

The Beautiful Kind’s Ultimate BDSM, Fetish, & Kink Checklist

The Beautiful Kind — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 14:58:03 +0000

It’s a Pervert Party, and you’re invited!

Copy this list into a word processing program so you can edit it, or print it out.

For each question assign a number based on this scale:

5 = This is something I REALLY like. Bring it on, baby!
4 = This is fun! Let’s go for it.
3= I’m not sure, kinda freaky, could be fun, let’s try it out.
2 = I’m not really into this, but if it excites my partner I’m GGG (good, giving, and game).
1 = Eh, I don’t think so.
0 = NO FREAKIN’ WAY.
? = I have NO idea what you are talking about. Seriously, I’m clueless.
* = fantasy only, stays in my head

Be as creative as you want – feel free to add, fill in blanks, specify, clarify. No, you don’t need to painstakingly fill out each and every number, you can whiz through if you like, use checks instead. Customize it to suit your needs; use a highlighter or different colors for your answers if it helps. Most of all, have fun!

Types of persona that turn you on

[ ] = I am this character, ( ) = Partner is this character

( ) Male
( ) Female
[ ] ( ) Transgender, drag, queer (_______________________)
( ) Ethnicities (Asian etc: _______________________)
[ ] ( ) People with accents ________________
[ ] ( ) People with disabilities (Type: _______________________)
[ ] ( ) Teachers, professors, librarians
[ ] ( ) Lawyers, judges _______________
[ ] ( ) Business professionals, managers
[ ] ( ) Interns/assistant/secretary
[ ] ( ) Nurses, doctors, medical professionals
[ ] ( ) Religious figures (rabbi, priest, nun) _____________
[ ] ( ) Nobility, royalty (Princesses or: _______________)
[ ] ( ) Musicians (Rock stars, violinists, etc: ____________________)
[ ] ( ) Athletes (Football, basketball, baseball, etc: _____________________)
[ ] ( ) Wrestlers, martial arts, ninja etc: ___________________
[ ] ( ) Blue collar workers (Mechanics, maids, other:__________________)
[ ] ( ) Bikers, Hells Angels
[ ] ( ) Cowboys, cowgirls, farmers
[ ] ( ) Soldiers, marines
[ ] ( ) Sailors, coast guard, lifeguard
[ ] ( ) Police officers
[ ] ( ) Firefighters
[ ] ( ) Mail carrier, milkman, FedEx _______________________
[ ] ( ) Airplane pilots, flight attendants
[ ] ( ) Truck drivers
[ ] ( ) Bride, groom
[ ] ( ) Hunters
[ ] ( ) Surfers, extreme sports, skateboarders
[ ] ( ) Tattooed, pierced, body modified (Type: ____________________)
[ ] ( ) Pirates, rogues, guerillas
[ ] ( ) Historical figures (Civil War, Nazi, Abe Lincoln, ancient Egyptian or:__________________)
[ ] ( ) Inexperienced/virgin
[ ] ( ) High school boys/girls/cheerleaders (consenting adults!)
[ ] ( ) Prostitutes, pimps, sex workers, Johns, sluts
[ ] ( ) Fantasy creatures (mermaid, werewolf, vampire, etc.) ___________
[ ] ( ) Furries
[ ] ( ) Droids, robots, machines
[ ] ( ) Daddy, uncle, brother, cousin ___________
[ ] ( ) Mommy, aunt, sister, cousin ____________
[ ] ( ) Babysitter
[ ] ( ) Divorced
[ ] ( ) Widow(er)
[ ] ( ) Older sibling’s friend
[ ] ( ) Older people, elderly ____________________
[ ] ( ) Executioners
Others, please specify: (clowns, sci-fi, superheroes, etc.) ________________________

Fetish Extra Credit

[ ] ( ) Smoking
[ ] ( ) Alcohol
[ ] ( ) Soft drugs (marijuana or: _______________)
[ ] ( ) Hard drugs (heroin or: _________________)
[ ] ( ) Exhibitionism (being watched)
[ ] ( ) Voyeurism (watching)
[ ] ( ) Erotic dancing
[ ] ( ) Watching porn
[ ] ( ) Making porn (photographed or videotaped)
[ ] ( ) Oral sex
[ ] ( ) Forced oral
[ ] ( ) Male ejaculation, cum play _____________
[ ] ( ) Female ejaculation, squirting
[ ] ( ) Menstruation
[ ] ( ) Urination, golden showers
[ ] ( ) Defecation, scat
[ ] ( ) Vomit
[ ] ( ) Anal play/sex ___________
[ ] ( ) Double penetration
[ ] ( ) Fisting
[ ] ( ) Hot play (candle wax, etc)
[ ] ( ) Cold play (ice cubes, cold showers)
[ ] ( ) Foot worship
[ ] Group sex _____________
[ ] Bestiality __________________
[ ] ( ) Necro/unconscious/sleeping ____________________
[ ] ( ) Unshowered
[ ] ( ) Infectious (yeast infection, STD’s or:_____________________)

Favorite body parts: Ass back breasts legs hair feet hands eyes pussy cock __________

Turn offs: _________________________________________________________

Clothing or accessories that turn you on

[ ] = on me ( ) = on my partner

[ ] ( ) Leather
[ ] ( ) Rubber, latex
[ ] ( ) Patent leather, PVC
[ ] ( ) Sexy lingerie, panties, bras _________________
[ ] ( ) Corsets
[ ] ( ) Satin, silk
[ ] ( ) Uniforms (UPS, military, servant, schoolgirl ______________)
[ ] ( ) Clothing style (Gothic, preppy ___________________)
[ ] ( ) Jeans (denim)
[ ] ( ) Legwear (Fishnets, pantyhose, tights ______________)
[ ] ( ) High heels
[ ] ( ) Boots _____________
[ ] ( ) Wifebeater t-shirt
[ ] ( ) Patterns (Leopard print, polka dots, argyle ________________)
[ ] ( ) Glasses
[ ] ( ) Hair (hairy, hairless, braids, beards, shaved head __________________)
[ ] ( ) Wet suits
[ ] ( ) Diapers
Others, please specify: ___________________________________

More Props

[ ] = on me, ( ) = on my partner

[ ] ( ) Ropes
[ ] ( ) Leather cuffs and belts
[ ] ( ) Steel cuffs and chains
[ ] ( ) Silk to be tied with
[ ] ( ) Dildos
[ ] ( ) Vibrators
[ ] ( ) Butt plugs
[ ] ( ) Needles and pins
[ ] ( ) Bondage table
[ ] ( ) Nipple clamps and clothespins
[ ] ( ) Blindfold
[ ] ( ) Masks __________
[ ] ( ) Gags
[ ] ( ) Whips
[ ] ( ) Riding crops/flogs
[ ] ( ) Paddles
[ ] ( ) Canes
[ ] ( ) Cage
[ ] ( ) Body bag
Any other props (Balloons, cock rings, stuffed animals, vegetables ____________)

Which of the following places turn you on?

Check all that apply

[ ] Your bedroom
[ ] Other place in the house (basement, kitchen, etc. __________)
[ ] Bathroom, hot tub
[ ] Other people’s houses (parents, friends, party ______________)
[ ] Mansions, bed & breakfasts
[ ] Museums, libraries _____________
[ ] Theater, stage
[ ] A school or a classroom
[ ] Camping, cabins
[ ] Woods and forests
[ ] Beaches
[ ] Farms and stables
[ ] Abandoned buildings
[ ] Back alleys
[ ] Junkyards and car dumps
[ ] Cars/vehicles ___________
[ ] Parking garages
[ ] Truck stops
[ ] The red light district
[ ] Strip club
[ ] BDSM club
[ ] Seedy bar/pool hall
[ ] Swanky upscale bar
[ ] Hospital, dentist/doctor office
[ ] Military barracks
[ ] Interrogation room
[ ] The shrink’s couch
[ ] Jail, police station
[ ] Dungeon, castle
[ ] Churches and abbeys
[ ] Cemeteries, morgues
[ ] Geographical location (The South, Ireland, third world country ______________)
Others, please specify: ___________________________________

Which of the following scenes would turn you on?

[ ] = Done to me ( ) = I do to partner

[ ] Vanilla romance (dinner by candlelight, movie dates, cuddling)
[ ] Rough housing, wrestling
[ ] ( ) Massage
[ ] ( ) Making love in a public place
[ ] ( ) In the woods and suddenly a stranger comes from behind and grabs me
[ ] ( ) Stranger walks into the bedroom and finds me playing with myself
[ ] ( ) Rough sex (hair pulling, biting, etc.)
[ ] ( ) Being “raped” __________________________
[ ] ( ) Being in a public place and dominated in a subtle way
[ ] ( ) Being taken out with collar and leash
[ ] ( ) Being used by more than one dominant
[ ] ( ) Playing in combination with other couples
[ ] ( ) Ordered to please others
[ ] ( ) Sitting/kneeling at my Master’s feet
[ ] ( ) Being tied up, caressed and loved
[ ] ( ) Tied up and tickled
[ ] ( ) Tied up and (sexually) teased
[ ] ( ) Tied up in a comfortable position
[ ] ( ) Tied up in discomfort
[ ] ( ) Tied up and (in a sexual way) exposed
[ ] ( ) Tied up and whipped, flogged or caned
[ ] ( ) Restrained and left alone
[ ] ( ) Not being tied up, but verbally commanded to pose in certain positions
[ ] ( ) Tortured without being tied or cuffed
[ ] ( ) Verbally humiliated
[ ] ( ) Breast worship
[ ] ( ) Breast/nipple torture
[ ] ( ) Grabbed by the hair and dragged into the bedroom
[ ] ( ) Spanked because I have been a naughty girl/boy
[ ] ( ) Face slapping
[ ] ( ) Caned, flogged or whipped without being tied or cuffed
[ ] ( ) Used as a slave in public
[ ] ( ) Used as a slave in private
[ ] ( ) Total slave every day of the week
[ ] ( ) Sold on a slave market
[ ] ( ) Used as a dog, pony or pet
[ ] ( ) Physical limits are tested and stretched
[ ] ( ) Mental limits are tested and stretched
[ ] ( ) Sign a contract (i.e. “I am your slave for one week and will do your bidding…”
Others, please specify: ___________________________________

I enjoy the following psychodramas

[ ] = for me, ( ) = for my partner

[ ] ( ) Being silent or speaking only when spoken to
[ ] ( ) Dialogue in normal language
[ ] ( ) Dialogue in adapted language (“Master” and “slave”)
[ ] ( ) Swearing and filthy talk
[ ] ( ) Reasonable rules
[ ] ( ) Unreasonable rules
[ ] ( ) Obey rules or else
[ ] ( ) Punishment/rewards
[ ] ( ) Begging
[ ] ( ) Feeding (someone feeding me, me feeding someone else)
[ ] ( ) Persuaded, rather than commanded
[ ] ( ) Military/jail type commands
[ ] ( ) Strict training
[ ] ( ) Subtle role play
[ ] ( ) Obvious and explicit role play
[ ] ( ) Make me feel guilty
[ ] ( ) Make me feel cheap
[ ] ( ) Make me feel used
[ ] ( ) Make me feel owned
[ ] ( ) Make me feel useless
[ ] ( ) Objectify me
[ ] ( ) The dominant must have compassion
[ ] ( ) The dom must have no compassion at all
[ ] ( ) The dom must only have compassion after the scene
Others, please specify: ___________________________________

Check any of the following that applies

[ ] I need to be sexually aroused before I enter into a scene
[ ] I need to be sexually aroused when in a scene
[ ] I like as many orgasms as I can get
[ ] An orgasm must only be allowed as a reward
[ ] An orgasm is a must to end the scene
[ ] Orgasms are not important, but nice
[ ] Orgasms are not important at all
[ ] I want to beg for an orgasm first
[ ] I want no sex during a scene
[ ] I want/need sex during a scene
[ ] I want my sexual abilities to be stretched
[ ] Sex should be used to relieve tension
Others, please specify: ___________________________________

Safe words and signals

Check any of the following that applies

[ ] The submissive discusses what he or she wants ahead of time
[ ] The dominant surprises the sub
[ ] One or more safe words should be established
[ ] All activity should stop immediately when the sub uses a safe word or signal
[ ] When sub uses a safe word or signal the dom should establish if scene can continue
[ ] A scene should go on up to the point where sub uses a safe word or signal
[ ] When the sub cries, the scene should stop
[ ] The dom should be able to read body language
Others, please specify: ___________________________________

Ooh, It Hurts So Good: Sadism & Masochism – The Pleasure of Pain…

The Beautiful Kind — Sat, 19 Jan 2008 13:41:13 +0000

The first time I ever had sex was on the hardwood floor of a friend’s house.

He was older, on top, and yep, it hurt.

But I was amazed at how receptive I was to that discomfort, how I welcomed it and accepted it as part of the complete sex package. Years later, I still feel that mingling of pleasure and pain when intercourse is initiated, and wow, is it nice!

What is S&M?

The correct sexual term for sadism and masochism is to combine it – sadomasochism, or S&M.

The sadist part refers to a person who gets sexual pleasure from inflicting pain on another person. The pain can be mental or physical.

Masochists are people who get off on receiving pain. If your immediate thought when it comes to sadomasochism is of whips and chains, well, I like your way of thinking, but that’s just on the extreme end of the spectrum.

Sadism is to domination as masochism is to submission.

That means that S&M doesn’t necessarily have to be hardcore role playing – it can be what I like to call “gentle-rough sex”.

It can be having your hair pulled or your nipples pinched. It can be your partner teasing you to the point where you’re begging for sex. It can be light, playful, and just a little bit edgy.

It’s up to you how far you want to take it.

Who Does S&M?

Lots of people.

That woman in the carpool line ahead of you. The guy who made your sub sandwich at lunch today. That mousy shy co-worker of yours who avoids eye contact. Your sister. The lawyer who fixed your traffic ticket…

You get the idea.

We’re not talking serial killers or crazed nuns out for revenge – most of the folks who dabble in S&M are nice, normal, kinky people. And they are all around you, like a zombie monster movie, only way more fun.

Where Does S&M Take Place?

Mostly, in the bedrooms of ordinary houses in the suburbs.

But it can also happen in trendy downtown lofts, 23rd floor penthouse suites, out on the farm, and sure, in clubs with S&M dungeons. Most cities have clubs like that, or fetish nights.

There are also thousands of online communities and local groups who meet to discuss safety, equipment, and exchange tips on what kitchen utensils work best in sex play.

Why S&M?

Pain and pleasure are two separate things, but they are closely related. They both stimulate nerve endings, they’re both associated with the mad release of endorphins, and they both make you feel alive.

Vanilla sex is more physical – S&M is more mental.

What do I mean by that? Vanilla sex is simple – it’s about giving and receiving pleasure. S&M is more complex – it is delving into your deep, dark fantasies, sharing them with another person, pushing your limits, and facing fears.

Most of us are conditioned to avoid pain at all costs.

That makes sense – we’re hardwired for survival. But to embrace it – to subject yourself to it deliberately and on your own terms – that is a way of finding control in a world where you often lack control.

Both sub and Dom participants will often find themselves in a euphoric “zone” once they push past a certain point.

For instance, I knew a friend whose father was dying of cancer. She took care of him, but during her respite free time, she met up with a Dom who would punish and beat her. It was her way of coping with the guilt associated with her sick father, and was an effective way to take her mind off of the helplessness she felt.

As for me, I like being bit or having my hair pulled or my bottom spanked.

I’m curious to see how much I can take, and I’m lucky enough to have found a good Dom who is willing to be my guide. He doesn’t get off so much on inflicting pain as he does in seeing how much it arouses me.

I get turned on, he’s turned on, it’s a win-win situation.

I wonder if someday I can handle a belt or paddle…Stay tuned!

To learn more about The Beautiful Kind, visit TheBeautifulKind.com.

What Everyone Ought to Know About BDSM

The Beautiful Kind — Sat, 12 Jan 2008 13:50:11 +0000

That’s right, acronyms aren’t just for the office anymore – it can be a regular alphabet soup in the bedroom, too.

I’m talking about BDSM – the ultimate antidote to vanilla sex.

Sure sex feels good on its own, but have you ever thought about taking it up a notch, pushing your boundaries? Do you have any freaky fantasies that might be ready to leave your head?

Prepare for a challenge – get off your butt and onto your hands and knees, grab a candle to light the way – but don’t forget to let some of the hot wax drip on your sensitive flesh…

What does BDSM stand for, anyway? The interchangeable initials stand for:

Bondage & Discipline / Domination & Submission / Sadism & Masochism

Let’s expand on the first four now, because S&M deserves an entire article of its own.

As you read through the list, pay attention to your feelings.

Which concepts intrigue you the most and inspire you to place an ad on a fetish site, or buy your partner a pair of shiny steel oiled handcuffs?

Bondage

I can’t remember if my first exposure to bondage was watching the Wonder Woman television show or receiving pink and green paper Chinese handcuffs in a party favor bag, but I know that both of those things had me daydreaming of lassoing that boy who always ran away from me on the playground, or tricking him into being my slave for a day because I had him trapped by his fingers.

Bondage is incorporating restraint into lovemaking.

It’s giving yourself over to the pleasure and entrusting yourself to your partner. Being tied up can feel scary, relaxing, embarrassing, arousing, intense…The sky’s the limit with the emotions that can come into play.

It’s also a great way to utilize neckties now that they aren’t worn in the workplace much anymore. I’m always pleased to visit a friend’s house and see colorful neckties affixed to their bedposts – it’s a sure sign of a healthy sex life.

These days I’ve graduated to nylon rope, which is easily obtained at hardware stores. More discriminating folks in the lifestyle opt for hemp rope, which is available online and in sex shops in a variety of colors.

Discipline

Thank you sir, may I have another?

Discipline is the use of rules and punishment to control the behavior of someone else. A rule can be as simple as not allowing someone to say “thank you” for the evening, and if they transgress, punishment ensues.

What is the first thing that comes to mind when you think of the word “punishment”?

Spanking, perhaps? Oh sure, I love a good classic like spanking, but punishment needn’t be physical. BDSM can be extremely creative, not to mention mental.

I have my own personal list of punishments that I like being “forced” to do. Plus my partner is always good at keeping me on my toes. Or on my knees…

Domination/Dominant/Dominatrix/Dom

Also known as the Master, Mistress, Boss, or Top.

A Dom is in charge, gives orders, calls the shots and administers the punishments.

But he or she has to have the right balance of kindness and meanness, kind of like that tough love you hear about when it comes to parenting teenagers.

An example of a good Dom move would be giving the sub a good smack on the rear, then tenderly kissing the sting away.

Does it sound like the Dom can do whatever the hell he or she wants? Think again. Ultimately, the play session is limited to what the sub is willing to do. Communication is king, so discussing ahead of time what is on the sexual menu and what is off limits is critical.

Important note: Being a Dom is not an excuse to be a jerk.

Submission/Submissive/Subordinate/Sub

Also known as the slave or bottom.

Now this is my specialty. I’m a caseb sook submissive – I like being told what to do and get off on being “used”. I also like rules-and-punishment mental mind games and serving my Dom.

A sub might toy with being humiliated. Penetration is a big part of being sub. Some subs expect pleasure in return, while other submissive’s only goal is to pleasure their Dom. This is more slave-like behavior.

For me, it depends on my mood. Sometimes I like to see how much pain I can take – I get a sense of accomplishment after a particularly intense session, and I look forward to building up my tolerance. Sometimes I endure an unpleasant experience, such as getting my face smacked or being called dirty names, and find it doesn’t sit well with me at the time it’s happening.

Only later after having a chance to analyze it do I find it to be arousing. It’s like peeling the layers of an onion, right down to the tears you might shed. Intense!

Switch

Some people are only comfortable in one of the roles – Dom or sub. But some people can assume either role, depending on the mood or setting.

Versatile, these are the same folks who do well at large parties and small gatherings, who don’t mind driving or being in the passenger seat, or can watch super-dude action films and chick flicks.

I used to think I was pure sub, but the other night I accidentally stumbled into a “Dom for a day” situation where my partner told me he was at my disposal. I was surprised to find I liked shoving his hands above his head and having my way with him. Who knew?

That’s the beauty of BDSM – it’s a fascinating way to explore yourself and your partner through a perversely intimate power exchange, a way to turn reality upside down and own it on your own terms.

The key to making the dynamic work is trust. Yep, BDSM is like one big trust fall.

Are you ready to let yourself go?

BDSM Dilemma – Should I Tell My Parents?

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 13:15:33 +0000

No matter how close children are to their parents there are some things that probably shouldn’t be shared – and sexual preferences is one of them.

Most of the time parents don’t really want to know about their children’s sex lives. Just like most people do almost anything in their power to avoid thinking about their own parents as sexual beings, parents balk at the very idea that their children have sex at all, even when those children are well into adulthood.

Add to this already existing unease an element of danger, perversion, or “evil” (as are often associated with the term BDSM), and it’s easy to see why having this discussion could do more damage than good.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

A few of my very close friends know that I am into BDSM.

Because BDSM is so taboo, I could never tell my parents. My friends feel that I am lying to my parents because I tell them I am going to see someone else when I am actually going to see my Master. I am well over eighteen so I don’t feel that I am legally obligated to tell them.

– Amanda, Kentucky

Should I Tell My Parents I’m Into BDSM?

The Short Version Is – It’s None of Their Business

Really it’s not! As long as you’re an adult you’re entitled to make your own choices, including the choice to engage in and enjoy consensual BDSM sex play.

Unfortunately society hasn’t evolved enough yet to openly accept the fact that people derive pleasure from all sorts of sexual activities. Those that involve pain, bondage, and other “deviant” behaviors are especially persecuted.

Although this is slowly changing, and BDSM is moving into the mainstream, there’s still a good chance that those you do tell will look at you differently, and will disapprove of your lifestyle choices.

In general, people have a hard time accepting sexual preferences that differ from their own. Parents are no exception.

Unless your parents are also sexual explorers and have dabbled in BDSM themselves, the likelihood that they’ll understand why you would even consider engaging in those types of behaviors is very slim.

You are Still a Child to Your Parents

It’s important to remember that in your parents’ eyes, you are still a child in need of protection and guidance. Depending on the morals and values your parents tried to raise you with, telling them that you’re involved in BDSM could be a proverbial “slap in the face”.

They may interpret your choices as going directly against the very things they believe are good and right. As best, they may accept your differing morality, but at worst, they may denounce you completely as being an amoral or bad person.

They Will Probably Try to “Fix” You

If you decide to tell your parents about your BDSM adventures, don’t be surprised if their reaction is to try to “fix” you somehow. They will probably try talking you out of liking such activities or suggesting you see a psychologist to “get over” this issue.

Be prepared to spend a lot of time and effort explaining yourself and fielding their well-intended attempts to change you.

There is, of course, the possibility that your confession could make you closer to your parents if they are very open-minded people. But since these kinds of parents (and people) are rare, don’t count on a positive reaction!

Instead, weigh your decision carefully, keeping in mind that telling them could ruin the relationship you have with them now. Choose your words wisely, and know what you are going to say beforehand. This isn’t a conversation you’ll want to improvise on the spot.

Consider Getting Your Own Place

Although it’s understandable that you don’t want to continue lying to your parents, you shouldn’t feel like they have to know where you’re going every time you leave the house either.

You’re an adult, and as an adult you have the right to your privacy. Why not consider eliminating this problem completely by getting your own place?

One of the best things about being a “grown up” is you get to do your own thing without having to answer to anyone else. Getting your own place will give you that sense of freedom, and you won’t feel forced into lying to those you love anymore.

Keep Your BDSM Preference to Yourself

Whether or not you continue to live with your parents, our best advice is to keep your BDSM activities to yourself. Now that you’re an adult, you’ve earned the right to make your own sexual choices and to keep those choices private – use them!

Is it Possible to be a Shy Dominatrix?

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 28 Nov 2007 18:58:29 +0000

Those are two words that you don’t normally see in the same sentence: shy and dominatrix.

Is it possible to be both? Here’s a question from Melissa who is a little confused. She always considered herself to be submissive, but lately, she keeps meeting others who want her to dominate them.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I am a submissive and lately I’ve been meeting people that want me to dominate them. When I try I get shy and can’t do it.

So how do I NOT be shy when they asked me to do this?

–Melissa, Washington

Is it Possible to be a Shy Dominatrix?

Of course it’s possible. Anything is possible…

If you consider yourself to be submissive and yet you find others wanting you to dominate them, I can see where this could get a little confusing.

The big question I have for you is ‘Why are you attracting these people?“.

If you are truly submissive, why do these people keep wanting you to dominate them. It’s normally quite obvious where a person lines up – a little to the top or to the bottom.

Are you sending mixed signals? Maybe you are a wolf in sheep’s clothing?

The really big thing you have to ask you self is “Are you sure about what you want?”

Sometimes we end up in a role, whether in life or sex, and find ourselves wondering how we got there. Maybe it’s time for a change and maybe not, but it’s worthwhile taking some time to get really clear about what you truly enjoy. Try on various roles and see what fits you best.

Start Slowly

If you do want to try the dominant role, then just start slowly rather than trying to put on the whole show all at once.

Just try little things and work your way up. That will give you time to decide if that is the role that you want or not. You don’t have to get dressed up in leather and spike heeled boots, tie him up, and punish him on the first try.

Start small and work your way up. Find and test your limits gradually. This works anytime you want to overcome shyness with with any area in your life. Take the first little step in that direction. The important thing is to take that first step.

Rough Sex and BDSM – Going Beyond The Occasional Spanking

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 26 Jul 2007 18:37:06 +0000

Rough sex is an extremely popular but largely underground sexual fantasy. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen much, it just means people are usually afraid to talk about it.

And like with most things that are driven underground (prostitution being a great example), it’s hard to find good, safe tips and information… so you’re left to experimentation.

Rough sex is largely about mind games, dominance, and control – not just the physical

While many people think of rough sex as having mainly to do with physical aggression, when you truly get into it you’ll realize the most important aspect is generally the mental one. The mind games, the dominant and submissive relationship that quickly develops into total trust and absolute control.

Is make up sex just an excuse to have rough sex?

As amazing as it sounds, some couples actually have arguments and fights just so they have a socially acceptable excuse for what’s commonly known as make up sex (read: rough, wild, and passionate sex).

Here’s a question from a couple in Wyoming hoping to spice up their sex lives by experimenting with rough sex.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My partner and I have started to get into rough sex, but as far as we have gone with it, it’s just him pulling my hair and spanking me. I have tried to find other stuff online that we could add in, but really can’t find much. Any suggestions?

– Ellie, Wyoming

Explore your sexual fantasies together

One of the wonderful things about being a couple is that you have a friend, a partner in crime, someone to share your experiences and the joys of life with.

Talk with your partner and share your fantasies…

It’s very important to explore and discover your fantasies together with your partner… many people keep their fantasies to themselves, which is a recipe for a boring sex life.

Watch some erotic movies TOGETHER and talk about what turns each of you on

Pay attention to the feelings that surface early on, and what excites you. Even if it’s just a hint of an idea or a feeling, run with it. Hard core porn doesn’t usually do much for women, but there are plenty of erotic thrillers that should do the trick. Movies like 9 1/2 Weeks are a great example of a dominant / submissive relationship evolving. Here are some erotic movies to check out.

Safety is a very important in rough sex play

Rough sex is often about pushing and breaking through boundaries, which is why safety is so important to discuss UP FRONT.

Decide on a safe word

This is a word that actually means “stop right now, no matter what”. It can be any word you agree on, but it’s best for it to have nothing to do with “stop” or “don’t do that”. This is because in rough sex play, pushing these boundaries often includes the idea of forced sex, etc. Thus “stop” doesn’t necessarily mean much. Something like “flower”, “coffee”, or “butterfly” is much more effective. Be creative, and make sure you both remember it.

Set a few simple ground rules that will NOT be broken

Rough sex is often about pushing and breaking boundaries, so you really can’t make a lot of rules around it. But agree ahead of time if there are a few specific things you ABSOLUTELY do NOT want to do. Remember, this is all about pushing boundaries and head games, so don’t set too many rules. Just a few so that you can really let go and have fun without worrying about going to far and spoiling the moment.

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