Introducing your partner to BDSM and domination can be incredibly intimidating. Your partner may be shy about trying new things in the bedroom, or they may flat out think that BDSM is too freaky. Either way, it’s possible to warm your boyfriend or girlfriend up to domination and bondage if you play your cards right.

Question: Dear Dan and Jenn, I want my boyfriend to try a bit of domination. But he seems a bit shy about doing it. How can I help him get over that shyness?

–YouTube Viewer

Taking Small Steps

You definitely can’t throw the idea of hardcore BDSM straight into your partner’s lap and expect them to be interested. That’s actually one of the fastest ways you can turn your partner off of the idea altogether. You really have to start slow when you’re introducing domination to your partner, so think about baby steps you can take and how you can start small. Try introducing your partner to bondage with a first time, introductory bondage kit complete with fuzzy handcuffs? Your partner will be less likely to be freaked out by the fuzzy cuffs and they’ll help your partner get warmed up to the real deal. Try doing a little light spanking or nibbling on your partner and see how he reacts to it. Introducing it a little bit at a time will allow your partner to process and accept domination as being pleasurable.

Introduce The Fantasy

Make sure to incorporate some of the fantasy in with your BDSM play. Don’t just tie your partner to the bed with the lights on (that is, unless, you’re doing an interrogation fantasy). That will most likely make your partner feel awkward and uncomfortable. Get your partner in the mood by roleplaying a little bit and working whatever you want to try that day into the fantasy you’re creating. Encourage your partner to try playing out their own fantasies with you as well. Try using a fantasy box, where each partner can contribute fantasies that get randomly selected on any given night. Getting your partner absorbed in a sexy fantasy will help him to want to try things he’s never tried before.

Don’t Be Pushy

If your partner isn’t comfortable with a certain fetish, don’t press him on it. Being pushy and making him feel like he’s being pressured into something he’s not comfortable with will likely have the exact opposite effect. You can’t force him to like exactly what you like or find what you like erotic. If he’s given domination a good try and he still isn’t into it, it may be time to let it go. However, introducing small things to your partner and working your way up to the big stuff slowly will help nudge your partner in the right direction without making it seem like you’re being pushy at all. Just remember not to be critical or try to make your partner feel guilty for something that they don’t want to do. If you find that you and your partner’s sexual needs aren’t fitting well, move on and find someone else who has sexual preferences that are more similar to your own.