Rough Sex and BDSM – Going Beyond The Occasional Spanking (Video)

Rough sex is an extremely popular but largely underground sexual fantasy. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen much, it just means people are usually afraid to talk about it.

And like with most things that are driven underground (prostitution being a great example), it’s hard to find good, safe tips and information… so you’re left to experimentation.

Rough sex is largely about mind games, dominance, and control – not just the physical

While many people think of rough sex as having mainly to do with physical aggression, when you truly get into it you’ll realize the most important aspect is generally the mental one. The mind games, the dominant and submissive relationship that quickly develops into total trust and absolute control.

Is make up sex just an excuse to have rough sex?

As amazing as it sounds, some couples actually have arguments and fights just so they have a socially acceptable excuse for what’s commonly known as make up sex (read: rough, wild, and passionate sex).

Here’s a question from a couple in Wyoming hoping to spice up their sex lives by experimenting with rough sex.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My partner and I have started to get into rough sex, but as far as we have gone with it, it’s just him pulling my hair and spanking me. I have tried to find other stuff online that we could add in, but really can’t find much. Any suggestions?

– Ellie, Wyoming

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Dan and Jennifer are the Founders and Senior Editors of AskDanAndJennifer.com, which has been called "the best and most popular Love and Sex advice column on the Internet today". Their videos are some of the most popular videos on YouTube. Don't forget to ask your dating, love, and sex questions in the Ask Dan and Jennifer - Love, & Sex Forums. You should Fan Dan & Jennifer on Facebook and Follow them on Twitter!

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  • Hi Dan and Jennifer,

    First let me say that I love your site! What a wonderful idea with the videos. This is much more entertaining (and educational) than watching regular TV.

    Personally I liked what you had to say about venturing into BDSM practices slowly and with trust/communication. Most people really do ignore the mental aspect of BDSM and start swinging a flogger with no idea of what their partner (or they) want out of their sex play.

    I'd just like to add that a lot of people are curious about BDSM, but when they actually try it find out the fantasy is a lot more fun/exciting than the reality...and that it's really OK to not like certain things. Just because you like to be spanked by hand does not mean you have to like a paddle, etc. It's all about finding the degree to which you and your partner are comfortable.

    But when you do get it right the physical/emotional/psychological rewards that come from a good play session are very hard to beat! Thanks for this great post.

    Rose, Speak Sexy
  • Hi Andey.

    We don't assume that the fiance is abusive, but she has indicated that he has a very strong temper - the two normally go together - anger and violence. We like to play these things "better safe than sorry".
  • Just watched your video about Su. Why do you automatically assume that the fiance is actually abusive. Seems to me that she wants the writer to think she has is rough so he keeps chasing her. Not to suggest that this is the case, and it is very likely that she may be telling the truth however, the advise should have been to first establish if in fact she is being abused. If she is not, she is looking for a step up, or a better situation with the second guy. On the eve of marriage she may be having second thoughts and wondering if she did as good as she could have done. Women are masters at optimizing their situation in marriage. She may want shmoe 2 to think she needs rescuing giving him insentive to sweep her off her feet and show her a better life with him. She will not leave schmoe 1 until she knows she has a commitment from schmoe 2. She may very well be waiting for that. Telling him abuse stories is a way to get schmoe 2 off his ass and commit to her.
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