SUBSCRIBERough Sex and BDSM - Going Beyond The Occasional Spanking (Video)
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Watch some erotic movies TOGETHER and talk about what turns each of you on
Pay attention to the feelings that surface early on, and what excites you. Even if it’s just a hint of an idea or a feeling, run with it. Hard core porn doesn’t usually do much for women, but there are plenty of erotic thrillers that should do the trick. Movies like 9 1/2 Weeks are a great example of a dominant / submissive relationship evolving. Here are some erotic movies to check out, and you can even rent most of these from NetFlix.
Safety is a very important in rough sex play
Rough sex is often about pushing and breaking through boundaries, which is why safety is so important to discuss UP FRONT.
Decide on a safe word
This is a word that actually means "stop right now, no matter what". It can be any word you agree on, but it’s best for it to have nothing to do with "stop" or "don’t do that". This is because in rough sex play, pushing these boundaries often includes the idea of forced sex, etc. Thus "stop" doesn’t necessarily mean much. Something like "flower", "coffee", or "butterfly" is much more effective. Be creative, and make sure you both remember it.
Set a few simple ground rules that will NOT be broken
Rough sex is often about pushing and breaking boundaries, so you really can’t make a lot of rules around it. But agree ahead of time if there are a few specific things you ABSOLUTELY do NOT want to do. Remember, this is all about pushing boundaries and head games, so don’t set too many rules. Just a few so that you can really let go and have fun without worrying about going to far and spoiling the moment.
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Just watched your video about Su. Why do you automatically assume that the fiance is actually abusive. Seems to me that she wants the writer to think she has is rough so he keeps chasing her. Not to suggest that this is the case, and it is very likely that she may be telling the truth however, the advise should have been to first establish if in fact she is being abused. If she is not, she is looking for a step up, or a better situation with the second guy. On the eve of marriage she may be having second thoughts and wondering if she did as good as she could have done. Women are masters at optimizing their situation in marriage. She may want shmoe 2 to think she needs rescuing giving him insentive to sweep her off her feet and show her a better life with him. She will not leave schmoe 1 until she knows she has a commitment from schmoe 2. She may very well be waiting for that. Telling him abuse stories is a way to get schmoe 2 off his ass and commit to her.
Hi Andey.
We don’t assume that the fiance is abusive, but she has indicated that he has a very strong temper - the two normally go together - anger and violence. We like to play these things “better safe than sorry”.
Hi Dan and Jennifer,
First let me say that I love your site! What a wonderful idea with the videos. This is much more entertaining (and educational) than watching regular TV.
Personally I liked what you had to say about venturing into BDSM practices slowly and with trust/communication. Most people really do ignore the mental aspect of BDSM and start swinging a flogger with no idea of what their partner (or they) want out of their sex play.
I’d just like to add that a lot of people are curious about BDSM, but when they actually try it find out the fantasy is a lot more fun/exciting than the reality…and that it’s really OK to not like certain things. Just because you like to be spanked by hand does not mean you have to like a paddle, etc. It’s all about finding the degree to which you and your partner are comfortable.
But when you do get it right the physical/emotional/psychological rewards that come from a good play session are very hard to beat! Thanks for this great post.
Rose, Speak Sexy