You’ve seen the stories in the news – a woman dies during a sex play session with her husband.

The articles are vague, but they usually mention the word “kinky,” a kitchen appliance malfunctioning, and the husband being held for questioning. You don’t want this to happen to you.

BDSM is fun and exciting, but you have to invest time in making it a positive experience for everyone involved.

Negotiating scenes, checking play equipment, and doing a little preparation ahead of time will keep things safe and sane. Here’s a little checklist of things to consider when veering from vanilla sex.

Addressing the Physical Side of BDSM

• Be present. Don’t be drunk or otherwise out of it.

• Never put anything around someone’s neck. OK, maybe a dog collar, but not ropes or bungee cords.

• Don’t leave a restrained person alone. You don’t want your sex life to turn into a Stephen King novel.

• If you’re playing with rope, have EMT scissors on hand in case you need to break out of something quickly.

• Have water nearby to keep your honey hydrated and comfortable as you torment and tease.

• Don’t lose your handcuff key!

• When “no” doesn’t mean “no”: Part of your play might involve you pretending to resist, and your partner needs to know when you really need a time out. Have a safeword that is two syllables or less you can call out if things get too intense. (Mine is “bluebird,” as in, “the bluebird of happiness.”) It’s also a good idea to have a safetune to hum if the mouth is stuffed with something like a ball gag and you need a break.

• Use safe props like cold water and ice cubes as punishment. It stings in the moment, but doesn’t cause lasting damage.

Addressing the Emotional Side of BDSM

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