I want to say that up front because I’ve traveled around the southern part of America a few times and found myself admiring the beautiful lands, the great food, and the good people of the South. As a Northerner I always have this fear of being discovered for my dislike of grits at the breakfast table. But truthfully my fears are irrational, at best, when relating to the good people of the south.

However, when it comes to issues such as sexuality, birth control, and teen pregnancy you have to scratch your head how far behind this region of the United States is so far behind the rest of the world by one century.

I say this because the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), in a recent report, finds the South is far ahead of the rest of the country in the amount of teen pregnancies.

What The CDC Finds In The South

• Nevada, Texas, Arizona, New Mexico, Oklahoma, Arkansas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Tennessee, and Kentucky lead the nations as the top 10 states showing increase in teenage birth rates.
• Mississippi leads the nation with 65.7% ; most of the teen birth rate increase are found with non-Latino blacks making up 89.5%.
• Non-Latino white teens in the South have the highest birth rates in the country in these states: Oklahoma, Arkansas, Mississippi, Alabama, Kentucky, Tennessee, Georgia, and West Virginia.

The one pattern that holds in this study shows those regions of the country that teach abstinence only sex education are found in (you guessed it) the South.

The states which show offer comprehensive sex education–both safe sex and abstinence education (Calif., Minnesota, Wisconsin, New York, Rhode Island, New Jersey, Delaware, Maryland, Connecticut, Massachusetts) have the lowest teen birth rates in the country.

Now it would seem to some I’m picking on the South; I got this agenda to make the South look stupid and backwards. On the contrary, I’m trying to make aware to my fellow Americans there is a huge crisis with our teens that needs to be addressed. Teen pregnancies run the risk of higher complications involving low weight and dying during infancy.

It pains me to drive through states like Kentucky or West Virginia where you can see billboards decrying abortion, but not one billboard showing the need to use a condom or stress to young women the risk you take when they choose to be sexually active. It pains me how you can’t buy a dildo in Alabama, but you get a “just say no” to sex sermon in youth groups across the state giving teens a false sense of what to do when faced with a chance of sexual activity. It pains me how a region (not the only region, but one of the leading regions in the United States) who will decry gay marriage, but the divorce rates in the South are some of the highest in the country.

Faith Vs. Safe Sex Education

As a person of faith, I know how important many Southerners take their faith in their life. But I think the churches and believers in the region who hold to the “no sex till you’re married” mantra must take a serious hard look at the facts and realize our traditions are not helping the situation by teaching abstinence only, but perpetuating the situation further by giving teens a battle axe with only one side to use (and the one side is rubber).

Some of the nations mega churches, ministries, and denominational homes (i.e. Southern Baptist) will make full scale warfare on anything that even shows a bare leg on television or in public. But these same men and women find themselves in compromising positions throwing to the fire their own teachings to their own.

Isn’t it time we faced facts that our traditional stance towards sexuality is a hopeless battle of wits where Southern Christian leaders look like halfwits in the room; that their belief system regarding sex and love are, at worst, a failed attempt to control the masses? I sometimes think the real agenda for some who decry sex education is they want to see their women barefoot, pregnant, with little chance at any background in education. Keep the women in the kitchen and keep them busy with a ton of kids. That a way you know you don’t have to have someone smarter than our men folk.

Ridiculous.

How The South Can Rise Again

If the South is going to rise again it will have to take some bold steps, as a region, to rid itself of their darkened past:

• Drop the Confederate flag! That’s so Jefferson Davis.
• Join the rest of the world to embrace fact, logic, and clarity on all issues.
• Admit the South has a sex problem and find a better, logical way to deal with it.

Right now the way Southern religious/non-religious leaders are handling sex education (not to mention the sexual well being of Southerners as a whole) shames the people and the rich history of the south.

She was fired because her employer discovered her anonymous sex blog. By anonymous, I mean that she authored her blog, The Beautiful Kind, under a pen name like many successful authors do.

How can someone be fired for something they do after working hours — anonymously? Was she writing about her employer, her work, her colleagues, or her boss? Was her blog disparaging to her employer? No and No.

So why was she fired? The Beautiful Kind (TBK) recounts her experience that morning, when she was called to her boss’s office immediately upon getting to work.

My story boils down to this: I made it a point to keep my personal and professional lives separate (kept name and face off my site & did not mention my job on my site). My boss was advised by the corporate office to Google employees. When they found my site due to a social media glitch, they fired me on the spot. The reason they gave for firing me is because they took offense to me discussing my private affairs online. — The Beautiful Kind

TBK’s boss was able to find her true identity due to an unintended Twitter related caching issue. She had entered her real name in her profile and then changed it as soon as she realized it was publicly visible. TBK immediately changed it, but the damage was done. One of the search engines had already cached the information — ugh… That’s when it all hit the fan.

TBK received the following letter after being terminated, apparently written by a lawyer to try and cover their bases.

We simply cannot risk any possible link between our mission and the sort of photos and material that you openly share with the online public. While I know you are a good worker and an intelligent person, I hope you try to understand that our employees are held to a different standard. When it comes to private matters, such as one’s sexual explorations and preferences, our employees must keep their affairs private. — Company “X”

This is really starting to sound like the military’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” approach to gay men and women in the service. A person should not have to hide their sexual preferences to keep their job or stay in the military. It’s time that we, as human beings, learn to live together and to respect that we all have unique preferences and perspectives.

All that aside, rather than firing her on the spot, why not ask her to simply take down her blog or refrain from this activity in the future? Or how about giving her two weeks to find another job or provide her with a healthy severance package? I believe that firing her on the spot was an extreme and emotional over reaction that should make us all very wary. It was just mean and vindictive!

Did her boss really fear bad PR, or was he just icked out by the content of her site?
Tony Rothert, legal director of the American Civil Liberties Union of Eastern Missouri, tells The Riverfront Times that the company could have assuaged its PR worries by simply asking that TBK take down her blog. He says, “The fact that they didn’t do that and instead just fired her causes one to believe that it really is the content that they had a problem with, and not really that they were concerned about a connection between her blog and the employer being made in the public.” He adds, “One of the unfortunate things is that a lot of people are uncomfortable about unconventional sexuality, especially when a woman’s involved. That is not an employer’s job — to police the sexual lives of its employees — and when an employer discriminates on that basis it is sex discrimination and it’s against the law.” — Jezebel.com

Ultimately this is not even a question of legal rights — it’s a question of what’s right and who gets to make that determination for you. In an at-will employment state, you can be hired and you can be fired for no reason other than personal preference.

TBK wants people to realize that this CAN happen to you.

Don’t have a sex blog? How about that wild party you were at last weekend, you know, with all those pictures you posted to your Facebook page? What about the bar you checked into with your FourSquare account? Nothing is private on the internet and its all fair game for an overbearing HR person or a peeping tom (or closet pervert) employer with nothing better to do than to poke around in your private life.

Here are some thoughts that TBK shared with us about this painful experience.

The whole situation is unfortunate, as I think this is not a fair reason for being terminated. It is lifestyle discrimination. In this day and age, sex is still such a taboo topic. Some people believe it should be kept a private matter, hidden in the shadows, but I think talking about it openly and honestly is a much healthier approach. My website truly inspired and helped people via education and inspiration. I feel good knowing that I have made a difference and brought happiness to thousands of people. – The Beautiful Kind

At Ask Dan & Jennifer, we absolutely agree with The Beautiful Kind. Our human sexuality is a beautiful thing that should not be hidden away and treated as if it’s wrong. A healthy sex life is critical for a happy relationship but most people suffer in silence because they’re afraid to talk about their sexual desires and preferences. We believe that education and awareness are the answer to all questions. Sexuality is not the exception. It’s time to bring it out of the closet.

So here’s the question we have for you today.

Is person’s personal sex life really any of their employers business? Should a person be fired for something (completely legal) that they do on their own time, outside of work? Please tell us why you feel the way you do about this topic.

Barf bag, please? Anyone!

This trailer is one of the most disturbing and repulsive thing I ever viewed. I won’t get into the details about the movie; you, the reader, will have to judge for yourself if I’m right or not (that is if you can stomach the first past the first thirty seconds). This assessment of the movie is not from a prude. I’ve enjoyed Kill Bill 1 and 2 (two reasons: great fight scenes and Uma Thurman). I enjoy a healthy dose of violence provided there is a reason for it and it doesn’t come out to blunt me over the head without a purpose. I’ve seen Saw, Nightmare on Elm Street (the original), and most of the Die Hard movies.

Yet, I find it a sad statement in our country (maybe even Western civilization) when male viewers–the main target for such movies–know a thousand and one ways to dismember, destroy, and demolish a human being but these same males couldn’t tell you where the G-spot or the clitoris is located. Sadly sex receives the most protest while Hollywood continues to churn out the most violent material in the world. In the past decade alone, I think I can name on both my hands the number of sexually charged, erotically based feature main stream films. For violent movies, I don’t have enough fingers or toes to count. Where do the writers, directors, and producers find the imagination to create such violent orgasmic visuals to stimulate a generation of young men (and women) to a blood filled climax?

You can look no further than what we saw one time visiting a friend’s house. As we were talking with her I looked over her shoulder to see what her soon to be teen age sons were watching. It was the last 20 minutes of Ninja Assassins playing on the flat screen TV. Every detailed slice, dice and chop was in full view; the blood splattered all over the screen making the viewer part of the action without a slice felt on the skin. It was a bloody gourmet of carnage and mayhem. Then for dessert, the boys treated themselves to a healthy heap of some alien video game on Xbox. Imagine driving on an arid planet nuking Aliens for breakfast. Yum.

Violence Is Ok But Sex Is Not?

Be they creators of the genre or consumers of the material it is still sad we can’t convey or converse about sex, eroticism, or the emotional entanglements of sexuality. There are no video games, and few films, to discuss fully the knowledge these young men and women need regarding their one sexual needs or love for that matter. My generation of the 1980s is guilty of the same crimes as well. We gave the world MTV, Pro-wrestling, and Rambo. Why are we not surprised by the outcome of such a violent streak we see today? It’s as if we’re on some hidden blood lust we all share in a movie theatre with popcorn, soda, and Junior Mints to heighten our experience.

Thanks to technology we can see the blood and gore amplified in 3D right before our eyes. C’mon, you know you want to say it: “It’s as if we are right there in the middle of the action!” Here lies the problem: We will flock to see a fight, but we feel squeamish over two or more adults enjoying an intimate moment. It seems like our ratings board at the Motion Pictures Association of America can turn a blind eye to the blood letting, but God forbid we see any skin or sex. Speaking of the MPAA, has anyone heard of the movie “This Movie Is Not Yet Rated?” I just watched it a bit ago and it is pretty scary how one entity can dictate how the rest of America should watch a movie. One stat from the movie struck me funny: “The MPAA rating board is the only rating system in the world where no one knows who is on it.”

This begs the question “who is watching the watchers?“ Maybe they are afraid of death threats or worse to their reputations. No one knows for sure, but it makes one wonder if they are afraid of a social earthquake will rattle their ivory tower near Hollywood. What alarms me is “they” don’t think that “we” can’t handle “that” because they say so. Sadly the MPAA seems to fit nicely in the movie studios because the movie studios are afraid of the backlash from middle America if a movie shows someone wiping semen from their lips or show oral sex on screen. But we seem to handle a 1,001 ways to kill a person very nicely. If you do get a chance to watch “This Film Is Not Yet Rated” please do, but do it because you want insight to the censorship made on your movie going experience.

Imagine what we’ve lost because filmmakers were forced to change the movie dramatically because the MPAA made the ultimate choice: Either accept the rating we gave you and have no one watch it, or change your movie and ensure a boatload of people to view your work. I think the hippies do have a point the famous catch phrase of the 1960s: “Make love, not war.” Sure would change our society if we had a few more glimpses of sexual freedom and variety and a lot less violent material.

It’s almost hard to believe that anyone would say that, but in light of this statement, it’s no surprise that in our culture, women are often perceived as victims or prostitutes. So I suppose we’re also responsible for 9/11, the volcanic eruption in Iceland, and global warming, too! How many of you were wearing low-cut shirts the day General Motors went down the drain? It’s all your fault! How about the economic crisis – that was probably caused by that knee-length skirt I was wearing on the day the stock market crashed. All jokes aside, more men than you think believe this nonsense. Look at Sandra Bullock’s husband, Jesse James – he’s a sex addict who claims that his behavior has nothing to do with him, and everything to do with those pesky women who keep leading him astray. It’s amazing how powerful men believe we are, and more to the point, how much power they’re willing to shift onto us, even in situations like natural disasters where blame isn’t necessary.

Behind The Fallacy

If I were Mother Nature, I would find this man, and all other men who sought to cast shame on others, who aimed to blame them for the injustice in the world. I would summon up the most violent storm imaginable, and I would strike these men with lightning, thunder, hurricanes, right in their hearts. My goal would be to cleanse them of this nonsense, and teach them that what goes around, comes around.

If I were an analyst, I would probably find this man to be in a lot of emotional trouble, possibly due to a dysfunctional childhood or some trauma in his youth. His distorted sense of reality has caused him to project his internal feelings of helplessness, thus creating this imaginary threat of women who can cause natural disasters. I would recommend a prolonged stay in a psychiatric hospital.

If I were enlightened, I would do my best to search out the Divine, even in this man. I would recognize his emotional illness, and note his violent separation from his higher self. There once was a monk who was known to wake students’ spirits up with a two-by-four between the eyes – I think that method might work well in this case.

If I had a crystal ball, I would sit this man down and show him the future of Iranian genetic engineering clinics. The clinics would be run by women, who for some strange reason felt it right to make some genetic alterations to man’s anatomy. Penises would be offered only to men who were approved by a sacred council, who had shown themselves as honorable and worthy of respect.

If I were a man, I would feel ashamed to be grouped together with this man, and angry that someone who engages in this sort of humiliation, degradation, and violence is even allowed to call himself a man. I would suggest ways in which this man could be given a taste of his own medicine. Perhaps we could start with a chastity belt, and as for the key, we could give that to the woman who fled Iran because her brother-in-law had burned her sister alive for dressing in a way he found inappropriate.

If I were an Iranian woman living in Iran, I’d probably swear off men forever!

Question: I have just found you on YouTube. Don’t you think some of your videos are against Islam? In Islam you cannot have sex without marriage. My question is what should somebody do if he cannot marry but is under pressure of orgasm and any relationship out of marriage is against his religious beliefs? Please consider Islamic limits more on your answers.

–YouTube Viewer

Respecting Religious And Moral Beliefs

Since everyone has different religious and moral beliefs about sex, it’s impossible for everyone to agree on what is right and what isn’t. Right and wrong are subjective, and can be different for everyone based on their religion and morals. If you want others to respect your own religious or moral beliefs, then it is important that you do the same for them. Don’t criticize other people’s beliefs or religion and if you can’t agree, just agree to disagree. It never hurts to listen though and you can simply take away whatever works for you and leave behind what doesn’t.

Sexual Frustration

For people whose religious and moral beliefs dictate that they stay away from sex or sex before marriage, it can be difficult to have your sexual needs met. People with strict beliefs about abstinence are easily sexually frustrated and may not know where to turn. Masturbation, however, is an easy and simple way to experience orgasm and sexual relief without having sex with another person before marriage. This may satisfy both your sexual needs and your religious doctrines without breaking any of your rules. However, some religions don’t allow masturbation or frown upon it, or don’t allow the use of pornography or other masturbation aids. Find out what your religion says about masturbation, because you may find that masturbation is something that isn’t restricted. Even if masturbation is restricted in some way based on your beliefs, you may want to weigh the alternative and decide which abides by your religion or moral beliefs best – masturbation or sex before marriage?

Are Your Beliefs Working For You?

Sometimes, you may find that your religious or moral beliefs aren’t working for you in your current lifestyle. If you’re sexually frustrated and have no way of achieving sexual relief under your beliefs, you may want to question your beliefs and whether they’re allowing you to live a full, happy and fulfulling lifestyle or whether they’re inhibiting you in some way. Everyone has the right to be true to themselves and live the way they want to, as long as it’s not harming anyone else in the process. If you find that you’re not able to be true to yourself with your religion or morals, do some soul searching to find out what is really right for you.

Question: I was circumcised when I was born because of my Dad’s stupid religious beliefs. I’m really angry about it knowing that I didn’t ask for it. I’ve read places that the foreskin is necessary for protection and stuff. What do you think about circumcision?

–YouTube Viewer

Is Circumcision Medically Necessary?

Medically, circumcision is not a necessary procedure. Society has told us for years that an uncircumcised penis is “unclean” and can get infections. Thousands of years ago, when circumcision first became popular, the surgery may have helped keep a boy’s genitals cleaner due to the lack of clean, running water and proper hygeine habits. Even then, however, circumcision was never necessary. A boy who is not circumcised does not face any health issues relating to his foreskin as long as it is kept clean like any other part of our body. To clean an uncircumcised penis on a young boy is easy – the foreskin is fused to the head of the penis and doesn’t separate until about age 7. Simply wash the penis with soap and water. When the foreskin becomes moveable, retract the foreskin from the head of the penis in the shower and again, wash with soap and water. This is generally all the care an uncircumcised penis needs to stay clean and healthy.

Whose Body, Whose Rights?

While many advocates of circumcision state that the child has no recollection of the pain of the procedure, that doesn’t change the end result. A child who is circumcised can never become uncircumcised, however, an uncircumcised male may choose to get the procedure later in life. While most body changing procedures, such as tattoos and breast augmentation, require the informed consent of the person being operated on or being tattooed, circumcision does not require the consent of the child, only the consent of the parents. Babies unfortunately can’t give informed consent for their genitals to be operated on and their foreskin removed. They can’t tell you whether they would like to keep their foreskin or whether they would like to have it removed.

Support For Circumcised Men

If your parents had you circumcised due to their own religious or societal beliefs, you may be left wondering why you never had a say in how your genitals looked or felt. It’s normal to be upset when you realize what was taken away from you before you even had a choice about it. Some devices and surgeries exist claiming to help restore the foreskin, however, it can only stretch the skin on the shaft of the penis to make it appear as though you are uncircumcised. The nerves endings lost during the original circumcision can never be recreated. There are many support groups for circumcised men to deal with their feelings about having their rights taken away from them and many men choose to advocate for circumcision rights.

Sex And Psychology

The most complicated part of human psychology is sex. Sex involves so many things, including the body, the mind and even your emotions. What feels good physically doesn’t always feel good emotionally, and what feels good emotionally doesn’t always please you physically. It can be difficult to understand why someone may have a fear about sex or have a sex related phobia, because there are so many contributing factors to sex. In persons who haven’t been sexually abused, a fear of sex or a sex phobia can seem irrational. The human body and mind was created to enjoy and take pleasure from sex, and it’s one of the most natural things for two human beings to do together. What are some things that can cause an irrational fear of sex?

Painful Sex

Many people can experience pain during sex or masturbation. In women, small vaginas or lack of natural lubrication can make penetration extremely uncomfortable or painful. In some women, the clitoral hood doesn’t cover the clitoris completely, making most types of sexual contact painful instead of pleasurable. In men, a poorly done circumcision can leave too little skin on the penis, making an erection uncomfortable or painful when the skin stretches too taut. Penises also have stiff, fibrous muscles that when erect, can “break.” It’s rare, but rough masturbation or sex can “break” a penis, making sex or even erections painful if it’s not corrected immediately. Anyone that experiences pain during sex or masturbation can develop a fear of sex or sex related activities, depending on what causes them pain or discomfort.

Psychological Issues

Many people have an irrational fear of sex due to psychological factors. Some people have phobias of sex or masturbation because their parents brought them up in an overly religious environment, or they were taught to think sex is dirty. Believe it or not, many women are taught that enjoying sex is “wrong” and that sex is only something they must do as a wife when they get married. Many of these women don’t have orgasms and have very poor and unsatisfying sex lives, therefore, may avoid sex as much as they can in fear of it. Many men and women are brought up thinking that masturbation is wrong as well, even that it will give you hairy palms or cause blindness. Any type of skewed thinking about sexual pleasure that was ingrained on a person as a child can contribute to sexual fears and phobias in adulthood.

STD’s And Pregnancy

Some people avoid sex all together because they have deeply rooted fears of pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases. Perhaps someone in the family contracted AIDS or got pregnant, and the family criticized them or looked down upon them. Perhaps someone contracted a sexually transmitted disease or got pregnant and is terrified of it happening again. Fears of pregnancy and STD’s can play a large part in someone’s irrational phobias of sex.

What To Do

If you have a fear of sex or sex related activities, it’s important to see a doctor. What you’re experiencing, however, can determine which type of doctor you go see. If you’re having physical pain during sex, you should make an appointment with your general practitioner or family doctor. They can do a physical examination as well as take a detailed medical history to determine what exactly is causing the pain or contributing to it. If you’re having psychological issues with sex, consider seeing a therapist or a specialized sex therapist to help talk to you about your phobias, why you have them and how you can work your way through them.

Many people are afraid of seeing the doctor – regardless of which type – because having a sexual fear for whatever reason can seem embarrassing. Lots of things are embarrassing though, and you deserve to have a happy, healthy sex life. Find a doctor or therapist that you’re comfortable with, and take control of your sex life.

So what gives? Do drugs like Viagra tend to get a pat on the back by religious groups solely because they cater to the very thing they are trying to preserve: marriage? Or are condoms seen as the device to send our young person straight to sexual hell for even thinking about being sexually active with another person(s)? The idea of hating one product but not the other may not just do harm to the typical groups you are focusing on but to greater extent cause harm in the most unlikely areas of society.

Condoms Vs. Viagra

An article from Inter Press Services focused on the way condoms and Viagra are viewed by the public. It seems among conservative religious groups and others condoms are viewed as detrimental to society while Viagra is seen in a much favorable light. According to the article Michael Tan, a reproductive health activist and chair of the University of the Philippines anthropology department, says both Viagra and condoms are polar opposites. A condom is a part of the World Health Organizations (WHO) list of “essentials” when tackling HIV/AIDS, other sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), and the prevention of pregnancy. This is a no-no to many conservative groups which focuses on the need to keep young people from using condoms for fear of early entry into sexual activity. Viagra, on the other hand, works because it promotes a more active sex life and is packaged towards married couples looking for a little zest in their relationship. If it keeps the myth of monogamy and sexual purity intact then Viagra is your drug.

As much as these conservative groups (and countries supporting their viewpoint) want to keep up the pressure to put condoms out they fail to see the bigger picture of the usage among teens and adults. Condoms are used by people of all ages—straight, gay, married or single, newly sexually active or licenses pro, monogamous or non-monogamous—as is Viagra and other sexual enhancement drugs. Male swingers use Viagra for hopes of an evening of never ending sexual encounters…with condoms in tow; young men using Viagra hope to achieve “Casanova” status amongst their nubile counterparts.

Condoms For Everyone?

Condom usage is not just a young man’s game; for our seniors it is a matter of life and death. Many sexually active senior citizens (please, get over the image of your grandmother/father getting it on because they do) are seeing a rise in STDs in their community.

Recent guidelines in Extended Care facilities must allow for conjugal interactions among its residents. As long as each person has the majority of their mental capacity for consensual sexual activity.

An article in Time Magazine () highlighted the growing trend: Whatever the cause — Viagra, midlife divorce, online dating or simple ignorance — studies suggest that STDs are no longer just an affliction of the young. A study published online last week by the journal Sexually Transmitted Infections adds to that growing body of evidence. Researchers at England’s West Midlands Health Protection Agency found that in less than a decade, STD rates had more than doubled among people ages 45 and older.

The study was a small sampling to this alarming trend and it is further complicated by many seniors who don’t talk about such issues to doctors or “ignore it altogether because of the stigma placed on it.”

Money Talks

So much for giving condoms a bad name and making Viagra style drugs the savior of marriage, or the savior of ‘manhood’. Gathering all the information together for this article one of my sources suggested the real story is the connection of Viagra styled drugs to some cozy relations in government. Drug companies sleep in the same bed with those in Congress to get the approval needed to get these drugs out on the market. Conservative groups look at condoms as tools for immoral practices outside of marriage. In short, it’s all about the money. Both items are equal in the sense they are there to promote good sexual health, enjoyment, and pleasure. Whether young or old, these items shouldn’t be held as a litmus test for morals, but rather a type of way to benefit long sexual life and health. Conservative groups should be out giving the Trojan Man the help and support as much as couples who get their sexual boost singing “Viva Viagra.”

What do you think? Should we educate our kids about sex and how to be safe, or tell them to pretend all their friends aren’t having sex and hope for the best? Education or ignorance?

Abstinence Only?

Every sex education program needs to include abstinence. It is a great choice for teens of all ages, because it keeps them completely safe from pregnancy, STD’s and emotional damage until they’re ready for it. But abstinence is just that – a choice. There are other choices when it comes to sex ed, mainly deciding to have sex and have protected or unprotected sex. It’s a choice that many of our teens today are making – they’re making the decisions, so why aren’t we talking to them about it?

According to a 2006 study from the Guttmacher Institute, abstinence only programs make up the sex education curriculum in half of the schools in the southern United States and 1 in 5 schools in the northern part of the U.S. Many schools absolutely forbid education on safer sex, such as education about available contraceptives. Some abstinence only education curriculums do touch on sexually transmitted diseases, if only to scare teens into becoming abstinent, and some touch on male and female anatomy and how babies are born.

Government Control?

Why are the schools in the United States choosing abstinent only curriculum? Waiting until marriage to have sex is largely a religious concept, and with the separation of church and state, schools are no longer allowed to have prayer in schools – so why are they promoting a form of sex education that is founded on religion? A little digging unearths some unsettling facts. $176 million dollars in government funding is available to schools in the United States who promote an abstinence only sex education program. $0 is available to schools in the United States who choose to teach comprehensive sex ed in their classrooms. The federal guidelines for sexual activity include anything that is sexually arousing – including kissing and hugging – and federal guidelines for these sex ed programs require teachers to suggest that sex outside of marriage is wrong and unsafe at any age.

Teens Will Choose To Have Sex – So What Do We Do?

Teaching abstinence in schools doesn’t automatically shut off a teenager’s hormones. It doesn’t suddenly make them not want to have sex, especially when our marketing, television shows and commericals, movies and music promote sex and sexuality at every turn. Our job as parents – and as a civilized society – is to teach children about all of their choices, including the choices to have sex both protected and unprotected. Knowledge is power and children deserve to know what their options are, including what can happen with each choice. Children deserve to know how you feel about sex and what you expect of them, as well as how to learn what they expect of themselves. A properly educated teenager may choose not to have sex at all, or they may choose to have safe, protected sex with someone they care about when they are ready. Uneducated or poorly educated children will not know what to do when a sexual situation arises, when they don’t understand why they should say no, or what to do when their bodies are telling them to do something entirely different. They may choose to have sex, but they may not know that there are options available to help make sex safer for both them and their partners, so they may end up pregnant or with a sexually transmitted diseases.

Perhaps it’s too soon to hope that the federal government will fund comprehensive sex education, but it certainly something we can take into our own hands. Find out what they’re teaching at your child’s school, and fill in the gaps. Give your children the power to choose – and to choose wisely.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Some men are circumcised and some aren’t – should you get circumcised? Does it hurt? What’s the right age for circumcision? Will it improve sexual pleasure or increase the risk of getting STD’s? What’s the truth?

–Will, TX

Religious Beliefs

Circumcision actually stems from old religious beliefs, in the days where the lack of running water, soap and an abundance of sand and dirt made it difficult to keep a penis clean. Today’s families who do not have religious reasons to circumcise their children may still get their boys circumcised for cleanliness and even appearances. It is true that a circumcised penis is easier to keep clean, but as a modern society, we have the ability to teach our children how to clean their genitals properly, circumcised or not. So what is circumcision, really?

A Cosmetic Procedure

Now that we have evolved as a society – you know, one with soap, running water and the whole works – there are no medical reasons that suggest not getting circumcised is harmful to a boy’s health. There are also no medical reasons suggesting that the final outcome of a circumcision is harmful, aside from pain and possible infections that may arise during the healing period. So essentially, a circumcision is a cosmetic procedure.

Be Informed

Before making the decision to circumcise your child, or to have your own penis circumcised, it is important to research the topic yourself. Be smart about it – don’t make the decision blindly, just because your father had it done, or you don’t want your child to look different from other boys in the locker room. Actually sit down and read the information available on circumcision – and there’s a lot of it – to make an informed decision for yourself.

The Truth

Does circumcision hurt? Yes! Babies and men who are circumcised are anesthetized during the procedure, but the healing period is quite painful for both babies and adults. Adults do have a reduced risk of post procedure infection however, as their fresh wounds aren’t sitting in a diaper all day, exposed to excrement. If you do have your child circumcised, ask your doctor how to best reduce the risk of infection and how to keep your child’s wound clean in spite of the fact that a diaper must be worn and the wound will be exposed to urine and feces. Does circumcision increase or decrease the risk of contracting sexually transmitted diseases? No! Does circumcision increase sexual pleasure? No – in fact, it can do just the opposite. The foreskin that is removed from the penis is packed with nerve endings that are extremely responsive to sexual pleasure in the same way that a woman’s clitoris is. So it’s safe to say that uncircumcised men do, in fact, have greater sexual reception than circumcised men.

If your religious beliefs or morals mitigate getting circumcised or having your child circumcised, go for it! But think about it first – what would your child say if he could choose? How many men have been circumcised only to learn later in life that they’ve lost a part of their anatomy that could have given them greater sexual pleasure – and they never had a choice about it? When it comes to circumcision, just think about it first!

Sexual Freedom? In America?

For so long we’ve heard these groups (i.e. American Family Forum, Christian Coalition, etc.) from around the country make some of the strongest and strangest pushes for control over sexual freedom in the past thirty years. But in the past few weeks/months, a few key stories came to light cause me to think it is time for the Culture Wars to end. In Texas, a group pushes for clear teaching regarding sexual education; in Alaska, a story from Bristol Palin, daughter of former Republican Vice Presidential nominee Gov. Sarah Palin; then comes an article from the Journal of Economic Perspectives, a study which shows who are the biggest consumers of adult material. (Hint: They might be in your pews.)

First let’s go to a recent study regarding the purchase habits of those buying adult material. It seems this new study from New Science magazine http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn16680-porn-in-the-usa-conservatives-are-biggest-consumers.html?DCMP=OTC-rss&nsref=online-news followed the anonymous study of credit card receipts. The report finds most of the adult material bought in America comes from states who tend to be conservative. The biggest adult consumers comes from the great state of Utah. Yes, THAT Utah! Eight of the ten states with the highest consumption gave their support to Sen. John McCain during the past presidential election with the other two states going for Barack Obama.

The one statement from this study which speaks volumes:

Do consumption patterns of on-line adult entertainment reveal two separate Americas? Or is the consumption of on-line adult entertainment widespread, regardless of legal barriers, potential for embarrassment, and even religious conviction?”

This is one of the questions Christians and right wing moralists will need to ask themselves. How much longer do the gatekeepers keep telling us their own virtuous examples of faith and fidelity when they are no better than the sinners they rail against? To coin a phrase I heard from former Christian music group 2^nd Chapter of Actions “No one will have a secret, no one will tell a lie/things that are done in hiding are going to reach to the highest sky.”

Fighting For Credible, Useful Sex-Ed Information

Second, the Texas Freedom Network fighting the good fight to giving credible, sane, and informative sex-ed information to those who need it in Texas schools. They took their fight for a more comprehensive teaching of sexuality/relationship to the steps of the Austin State Capital. TFN’s hope is to get the facts to their teens and pre-teens to all students in the state. I encourage you to watch the proceedings of those involved with TFN regarding their findings about sexual education in Texas schools.

Hypocrisy Unveiled

Finally, I want to point to one Bristol Palin—daughter of Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska. You remember Bristol don’t you? In the presidential campaign news of Bristol’s pregnancy spread like wildfire throughout the political world. How will the Family Values party respond to this revelation? They responded with open arms and a “how dare you judge” to the media on Bristol’s “choice” to keep her baby. Funny how when a woman gets pregnant in the unconventional way these same critics will strike them down in an instant. If for one of their own they treat them as if they were the Prodigal Daughter with open arms and a fatted calf.

Does anyone see the hypocritical tone of this issue? Why is it okay for Ms. Palin to get a free ride without condemnation for having a baby out of wedlock but any other American baby won’t find the same grace in return?

Bristol’s words in a recent interview with Fox News illustrates the futility of abstinence only programs.
It may not be the type of news Bristol’s mom (Gov. Palin) or others in the Religious Rights pursuit of a moral America, but it does show such an ideal at best noble and worst fruitless. No person want to see an increase in pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), or abortions. The way these moralist make it seems we all want to see lines drawn out the door for women wanting abortions. Truth is we want to see responsible education—both by educators and parents—to help our youth have the right information so as adults they make better choices when they find themselves in various relationships.

I doubt this bad news will slow down those who seek to clamp down every aspect of American life and restrict how we date, become intimate, and who we become intimate with. In the process, the “Religious Right” will need to ask a ton of questions to themselves. Will they continue to try and impose—by law or shame—the same standards they say will bring those to eternal glory? Or, will they continue to say one thing and live another? The one question keeping many on the right awake is what if their opponents are right about everything?

Sex Talk In The South?

God knows everything else is talked about in that part of the state (i.e. the economy, the new president, etc.) maybe its high time sex can be talked about in the deep south of Alabama. It’s bad enough residents of the state have to cross state lines to get an adult movie or a dildo. Haven forbid someone will have to talk to their friends and family about sex. Those few who don’t want it to come out (gasp) that Alabamians are sexual beings will make a stink about it. Marketing ploy to get more people in the pews, yes; billboard campaign to get the tongues wagging, probably; worldwide coverage over the outrage to really drive home the point you are trying to come across to your congregation, priceless.

Pastor Lawson’s Daystar Church in Cullman, Alabama started with 100 members and grew to about 2,000 people. It is your new school style mega-church complete with a hip pastor and a timely word. Only the word about better marital sex in the bedroom may be a bit too hip for the conservative folks of Alabama. From other ministers to city officials, the topic is raising eyebrows about the approach to delve into this subject. But it’s not the first time this topic was taken on in recent months.

Marital Sex – It’s Okay By The Book, But Why Can’t We Talk About It?

In Dallas, Texas, Fellowship Church pastor Ed Young challenged all the married couples in his congregation to have sex for a week. This was used to instill a closer marital bond between husband and wife. In Florida, Georgia, and other states there is a push among Evangelicals to “take back” the sex message from the “world” and bring it back in the pews. This effort is made to try and “cleanse” sex from the evil talk the world has regarding the subject.

My question is does this means ministers are acknowledging the need to talk sex to the married couples? What about single people? Will it still be “no sex for you” like some Sex Nazi or will we finally have a reasonable debate/discussion on what the Bible really says to single people regarding sex? That discussion is for another debate at another time.

I do think there should be some high praise to big city and small town churches where preachers like Rev. Lawson boldly acknowledge the needs of his congregation. Although some ministers think preachers should stick to preaching the Gospel and nothing else I think this type of talk is in the bounds of the tradition of the church. When needs among widows came up for first century believers the leaders of the time (Peter, Paul, John, etc.) delegated authority and raised leaders to take care of their needs. If believers needed clothes because there were some lacking they would do the same thing as well clothing the naked.

Talking Sex, The Modern Way

In the case for many churches the sex therapist and advice makers (thank you Dan and Jennifer) are making inroads into many couples and singles lives giving timely advice and proper direction in and out of the bedroom. Church leaders desperate to reach to the needs of their audience and seeing the growing concerns raised over sexual issues in their pews ( adultery, variety in the bedroom, etc.) realize they are behind the curve. So in order to “save” the message they try and bring it upon themselves to get the message out to where its needed.

I applaud Rev. Lawson’s approach to getting sexual help to his congregation and stand with him when people in his North Alabama region makes a big stink about sex. The good people of the region should get a grip and start talking to their family about sex. If they don’t know enough about the subject of sexuality then this is the time to delve on line and in the bookstores and libraries to find out. There is enough good material to get any parent ready to have “the talk” with their children.

Where I differ with him is that this talk should have happened ages ago. Fancy marketing may be good for a time, but this must be a talk for the long term. There needs to be healthy debate and discussion coming from both sides of the issue. I long for a minister with the moral guts to take on each subject of relationships, dating, and sexuality without the prepackaged agenda stamped on every minister coming out of seminary (or cemetery as one of my minister friends puts it). A frank talk about sex is one I think teens and adults in Christian and non-Christian circles could use in a big way.

Almost a decade ago, I went to the Dayton/Montgomery County Public Library main branch to witness a war of ideas. A normal night in the library auditorium would have but a handful of persons engaged in some type of meeting. Not on the night I would be there.

Banning books that promote alternate lifestyles

Nearly 100 people crammed inside and outside the auditorium to hear the library board’s decision whether two controversial books could stay in the library. Books staying in the library? I thought every book was welcomed in the library. Not if you were the parents of some of the ultra conservative Christians in town who looked down on any book promoting the gay lifestyle.

Heather Has Two Mommies and Daddy’s Roommate was found by one the church members who quickly went into action. They rallied, protested, and got the media involved. In the end the library board voted unanimously to keep the books in the selection (it would later be dispersed in various categories in the children’s library, but neither books were banned from the library due to their content).

This made the ultra-conservative parents livid. They made threats of God’s judgment on the staff and the library and, in some show of protest, sent their children to place their cut library cards on the board’s table and walked out. If only I had the courage or the fortitude that night to say what I am saying to you now: Their actions exemplified idiotic behavior more than anything else I can imagine.

Two books about people who are in our community is such a threat to our community? So what if two women or men are raising kids, at least they have a story about their lives they can identify with and to help inform the community about their lives. Yet you will find the few trying to tell the many what is acceptable reading and what is not. The libraries and bookstores around the country are a bastion of free speech where ideas and thoughts can find equal footing to the populace.

Other surprising banned books

Every book on the shelves have a right to be on there for readers young and old to enjoy and learn from. Both book mentioned above are not the only two books finding controversy over its topics. You’ll be surprised what books find themselves on the infamous list of “banned books”

1. The Color Purple by Alice Walker

2. I Know Why the Caged Birds Sing by Maya Angelou

3. It’s Perfectly Normal by Robie Harris (Sex Ed)

4. The Golden Compass by Phillip Pulman

The ten most controversial books

The Economist July 22^nd on line article talks about the ten most controversial books and for the second year in a row two penguins are the subject of the censor’s ire. “And Tango Makes Three” about two male penguins who adopt an egg to make a family is the top book of choice to have tossed out. The are others you can check out in this article in The Economist.

Every year the American Library Association releases their list of Banned Books for the year (Check out the link at American library Association: http://www.ala.org/ala/oif/bannedbooksweek/bannedbooksweek.cfm) . Each library and bookstore sets up special displays to educate readers just what material is on the list. Many readers are shocked, others are not surprised, but all are amazed at how those individuals will work hard to make these books shunned from their communities.

One year at our public library, some of the books were found in a sort of adult movie style booth complete with a black curtain and a sign outside saying “Must Be Over 18 to Enter”. Imagine my surprise when I found the books they had displayed; imagine my disappointment when the Madonna SEX book not inside. Oh well.

So what does this mean for a web savvy people who read most of their material on-line? It means if you care one iota about freedom of speech and the power of a book or tome do all you can to support you local public library or bookstore.

These places make available the stories and ideas we love and appreciate; these are the places who allow countering views equal ground to challenge conventional thinking. Sadly the members of the religious sect who complained the loudest still every Halloween Night burn anything with “Satan’s Mark” in a bonfire.

They won’t give ideas a chance or the room to grow their world. They won’t even take the time to know where the author was going and why they wrote what they did. Out of sight, out of mind is the mantra they hold to. But if you burn the book with the idea, does it mean the idea really dies?

Nearly five years since starting Christian Pro Erotic, after years of struggling with my faith and my sexual needs, after hearing the stories of many people of faith in the same situation I finally read the article in the July 7th Time Magazine.

Sexuality for Married Couples

And God Said, “Just Do It” is about Christian fellowships and churches tackling sexuality for married couples. It seems a movement is burgeoning where ministers and ministries are focusing on one issue: married couples in the church need more sex!

Finally, after so many years, we are cleaning a stubborn speck in the eye. Instead of putting down those in the world whose marriages do not live up to the snuff of church standards Christians will finally try to take out the plank of high divorce rates and failed sex lives from the eye of the body of Christ.

Christian couples are finding programs such as New Directions Christian Church (Memphis, Tennessee) with their series“40 Nights of Grreat Sex” or Relevant Church (Tampa, Florida) with their “30-Day Sex Challenge“ available to them to help their marriages grow and prosper.

I can tell you 20 years ago or so the advice would have been to “just pray about it and God will give you the clues to figure our how it will work out”.

A step in the right direction

Not anymore.

Now along with the Good Book we are finding couples armed with (gasp) the Joy of Sex in their arsenal to take back their bedrooms from a stale existence.

To me this is a step in the right direction and one which is way overdue; if these materials were available to Christian couples in the past–leadership and members–many marriages could have avoided heartache and tragedy in their lives. To realize they are failing in the battle in the bedroom is a signal playtime is over. The church is ready to catch up with many other couples who made each night a night to remember.

The church had a flimsy argument to folks outside the church about engaging in spicing up their bedroom life. We kept serving Vanilla when everyone else dove into cartons of Rocky Road and Cookies and Cream (whether you add this to your bedroom play is up to you).

The church balked at toys, oils, massages and (gasp) alternative venues to make things interesting. The thing I could not understand was how those folks who lasted 40 plus years together keep it together when it came to times of intimacy?

The road that led to adultery

It made it seem the wife just lied back and took what the husband gave her year end and year out without question. If they (she) did question (God forbid) then it would mean points off the eternal trail. It is the kind of thinking that opened the doors to all sorts of problems such as adultery, divorce, etc. Husbands would find themselves caught up in adultery and slaves to pornography; women found themselves in the arms of another man (or woman) to ease the pain of such a boring life.

Snubbing the church?

I am sure there are some who see such “straying” tactics as an attempt to snub the nose over the traditions of the church (i.e. “if it was good for mother and father, then it’s good enough for me). Some would even say our society is over saturated with sex and to adopt some of the manuals of the world would mean we would be giving in to the enemy. That reasoning is flawed and failed. When did sex become the enemy here?

Making sex your friend

These churches are finally realizing beating up on one of God’s greatest gifts to humanity is not the direction to give to couples. Making sex their friend, and making sex work for them, can really kill the boredom and stress many families face in their homes.

One thing I like from these teachings are the stress of having husbands do their share around the house and make the wife’s to do list shorter. The consequence of not doing them: you, sir, become part of her list of “to do”. Sex then is reduced to a chore instead of a delight.

My prayer is they continue with this and couples can grow to become stronger and more vibrant couples. I also hope the church would take a good hard study over sexuality regarding the single person because I think if they are prepared to face sexuality before marriage they can handle the rigors of day to day life with another mate during marriage (again, my opinion).

But who wants to throw dust in the eyes of progress? I am just glad groups like ours and programs like the those in Tennessee and Florida are helping to take the plank out of the churches eyes so it can see better.

Good. I didn’t until hearing the terms passed around lately in the news and around young people.

According to the Urban Dictionary.com (a must for parents/adults alike), sexting is defined as “v: the act of text messaging someone in the hopes of having a sexual encounter with them later; initially casual, transitioning into highly suggestive and even sexually explicit.”

Your teen knows what it means

And yes, if you think your pre-teen or teenager is not up to this term, think again.

I think for all the sexual freedom talk, it’s hard to judge what is the right course of action to take when your pre-teen or teenager is acting out something which should be left in the bedroom. It’s even harder today when our kids are more astute with the latest technology than any of us were 10 or 20 years ago.

From cell phones to text messaging to YouTube and Facebook , kids and teens show an ability to master the latest gizmo available on the market. They take it, use it, and create it to be their own identity; they make their homepages and profiles incredibly savvy even for the novice user.

The danger for young people

The danger is many young people are knowledgeable about sexual terms and how to do them, but not have the knowledge to be responsible to themselves and others.

Meanwhile, parents are left in the dust.

Many adults with kids get their children these devices, or give them unlimited time on the computer unaware of how far down the rabbit hole they can go. Your kids can be in their room or at school for hours, with parents not knowing what is on their cell phone, their personal page, or God knows what else. So how do sexually hip parental units find a balance between allowing your kids freedom to grow?

Simple. Be parental. Mom, Dad…Engage!

Getting to know what your children are doing means you may need to get as technically savvy as your kids. It may be as simple as having a sit down chat with your kids. It may mean you will have to confiscate their cell phones or computer to check out what they have on them.

Be a parent; not a friend

This is the part where you become a parent and not a buddy.

You simply say to them that seeing they are the ones who put a roof over their head, food on the table, and gave you the gift of life you—being the person responsible for how they will turn out in life—have every right to know if what they are doing with their friends and online is okay or not. They may balk but your involvement shows how much you love them as a parent. The alternative is much worse than not engaging in their lives.

Communicate. Educate. Establish ground rules

I’m no Dr. Phil, but I think that giving children some boundaries is not a bad thing at all.

Here are a few more tips for monitored “freedoms”.

1. Talk to your kids about sexuality. This world is much more sexually charged than the one you may have grown in. Sexual terms are at anybody’s disposal in an instant; radio programs talk about it openly; magazines—male and female—are constantly pushing tips on how to be more “available”. Parents need to head them off at the pass.
2. Parents, YOU are the sex ed teachers! Teachers need to learn the material out there and all the technology available to kids, engaging in their life. Find out what is out there and what they are doing so you can be a few steps ahead of your teen.
3. Teens need rules. In fact, if most teens were honest, they want rules so they know where they stand and know what is expected of them. If you just hand them a phone or an account without any supervision they can walk all over you as parents and go as far as they want without any restraint or idea of how much this can hurt them. This is wrong. If you put a curfew on how late your teens can stay out or how late they can stay up then it’s time to put a limit on how long to let them on the computer or on their cell phones.
4. Before buying a cell phone, find out what parental tools are available to block or place limits on them. If its an on line account, than why not have a primary account, in which a parental block can be put on a child’s account. Most servers like Yahoo or MSN will have this function available.

If communicating about sexuality on a regular basis is not enough, or if putting every safe guard on such 21st century technology is not enough, then you may have to do something “so like last century”.

Don’t give them anything.

Their world won’t crumble if they don’t have these technological devices with them twenty-four hours a day,except for an emergency of some sort where you can hand them your phone. They may be better off not having those tools at all.

This may seem like too much censoring and restricting freedoms. But until parents feel comfortable their children are safe, responsible, and knowledgeable about sexuality and relationships (not to mention the technology available to make social life fun) censoring may not always a bad thing.

Poll question: How many electric devices does your teenager(s) own?

But there are couples, Christian or otherwise, who don’t have a problem involving others in their relationships on an equal par regarding their intimate and practical lives.

The term “polyamory” is defined as “the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationships at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. Polyamorous perspectives differ from monogamous perspectives, in that they reflect one or more partner’s wish (es) to have further meaningful relationships and to accommodate these alongside their existing relationships.” (From Wikipedia)

This is not what we are talking about today.

Allegations of Child Abuse

No, this is about the recent raid of the Fundamentalist Mormon compound “Yearning for Zion” in Eldorado, Texas. This raid took place because of allegations of abuse to the children by a call to authorities (currently they are not able to substantiate the actual caller).

As many as 533 women and children were taken away by Texas authorities and 416 boys and girls ranging from six months to 17 years went from being in an isolated life to the real world.

Some may say that this is an intrusion of the government and the law; some may say it is needed to send a message that the current laws on the books cannot protect this lifestyle. What really stands out to me through all the media hype and public interest is the lack of freedom these kids and women have in regards to their spiritual, sexual and marital lives.

The teachings of the Fundamental Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints are far from the mainstream teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. LDS members worldwide are aware with the history of having multiple wives; Bringham Young and other church leaders were known to have many wives in the church’s infancy.

Until the turn of the 19^th century, the law and the church teachings of having legal multiple marriages came together thus making it clear to all members it was frowned on to have this in Mormon life. But this new view did not stop splinter groups from holding on to the current trend.

Groups like the FLDS made it a point to marry not just young girls to older men (from their 20s to as old as their 50s), it also had no problem having marriages with close relatives leading to inbreeding. This portion of the poly lifestyle is wrong.

It’s about choice

It is one thing for adult married couples (or adults in general) make it a point to discuss, value, and offer the chance to involve one or more persons to their relationship. It is another thing when teens and young ladies are pressured to marry someone by the leading of another solely on the basis of one’s so-called “spiritual authority”.

There’s no freedom in this latter version nor is there any choice for the women and children. Their voice is negated and their freedoms stifled.

Not just the legal violations committed by leaders of the church, but this movement of FLDS members is one where they are taken out of the world restricting their freedom to make a choice for their own lives and destiny.

I had a good chat on line with one of the members of Christ Pro Erotic the other day regarding this issue. She brought a lot of great points about the children agencies separating the child and the mothers of the FLDS members apart. One big question was whether this group should have the right to practice their faith the way they are lead or not?

Case in point: The Amish. Why can this group be left alone separate from the rest of the world but the FLDS can’t? The difference with the Amish is it allows all its young adults a period to decide for themselves whether they adapt to the Amish way of life or be shun by choosing to live in the large society. For the Amish young person there is a choice. They can have a say in the matter instead of what is forced upon them as in the FLDS sect.

The bigger issue

The bigger issue is this is not an adaptable life when involving children and teens to a life where their goals or dreams are negated. It is wrong when they are pulled apart from any form of life outside the compound or any other arguments towards this way of life without choice. “Come out from among them and be ye separate, saith the Lord.” (II Corinthians 6:17)” This is a passage to all Christians to be “in the world, but not of it” meaning to not be ruled by the standard way of thinking in the world, but to be Christ like.

There is nothing Christ-like about the FLDS. When choice and liberty is taken away from young people and their future, dreams and goals are all but thrown to the curb. No faith should take away the very God given freedom of choice that is given to men and women about how they should live their lives and faith.

My hope is the young women and children are given a chance to see the outside world. I hope they get exposed to the dreams and goals many of them can achieve. I hope they can at least have a say to their own destiny as to how they are going to make their lives worth living. If they choose the way of the FLDS, fine. But at least give our young people the free will chance to choose.

But the more typical subjects on sexual issues and relationship issues in the church and elsewhere range from marriage, single dating, and sex before or during marriage, abortion, and the dreaded gay and lesbian surge.

Sadly, there are other issues out there believers in Christ should be hearing from their pulpits. So permit this writer to expose some of those subjects because its high time believers and non-believers alike fight against such things for the sake of everyone on the planet.

Why don’t we hear about rape?

Why don’t we hear a preacher talk about how rape affects everyone? EVERYONE! According to Rape Abuse and Incest National Network 1 out of 6 women and 1 out of 33 men are raped in their lifetime. This leads to depression, suicide, and drug/alcohol abuse, not the pretty “sweet by and by” topics heard but something every believer and non-believer needs to hear about.

And the children, that’s a whole article in itself; incest and ministerial abuse is even as disgusting and falls under this category. There is also the topic of prison rape that is largely ignored by the best of minister (especially when dealing with prison ministries)

If the church really wants to see healing of the body, mind, spirit, and soul then they need to deal with this topic head on. Until it is, thousands of men, women and children will keep in silence never finding healing or release for the things they’ve experienced. Anger, bitterness, rage, and deep hurt are issues that need the churches attention more than if two men or women live in loving relationships.

Why don’t we hear about the international sex trade?

Around the world the sex trade is so huge it is catastrophic to many families and friends. From families who can’t afford to keep their kids and give their kids away to the sex trade to women taken from villages from eastern and developing countries to satisfy the needs of their “clientele” this is a crime which needs a voice.

Where are the ministers in the world who will give these women (and men) a voice? Girls from preteens and older need someone to speak for them or they will be nothing more than objects in the hands of people who have no care for their welfare.

Why do we not hear about adults with urges for sexual relationship with children?

Call it a sickness, call it an easy out for those who feel guilt over their sexual urges and turn to children for an “easy out”, urges by adults to satisfy their desires with a child under the age of 18 is wrong.

Pedophilias in the Catholic faith rocked the church to its core and have seen the exodus of many members tired of Rome ignoring the issues. The Protestant side shows similar cases with everyone from the minister to the janitor around the world taking advantage of our children.

When will we hear a sermon or a movement to address the sexual issues adults have and to find help to steer them to a healthier expression of their needs? I hope soon. If not, the faith cannot continue standing on the high moral ground when the ground is moist with hierocracy.

What about comprehensive sexual education?

I can find tapes, DVD’s, even on-line sermons dealing with sex before marriage warning teens and adults of the spiritual “dangers” of proceeding this way. I would love to hear a frank sermon from a pastor willing to talk about what happens if abstinence fails and you find yourself wanting to be sexual? Corpus Interruptus isn’t an option by the way; nor is running away into the night.

Can one pastor in the world talk about contraceptives without feeling like betraying the church? Can one man or woman of the cloth deal with condoms and “the pill” without gagging in between points behind the pulpit?

That’s what the people need to hear, not a lot of “thou shalt nots” but realistic approaches to a real world. And if you want to add spiritual touches to the sermons, then talk about people asking for God for the strength to find help and wisdom in taking some of the approaches I’ve just mentioned.

These are just the tip of the iceberg, but now that the cards are on the table will someone take the lead? It’s easy for me to talk about this, but until the people of the church demand to have these issues addressed those affected by these subjects will live in silence without any hope.

With billions of dollars spent on how a person can be prosperous and self assured maybe money could be spent in the direction of putting programs together to help these victims. Instead of stopping the gays or paying for workshops to stop abortions can’t we try to help the broken from loosing all hope that God will ever hear their pain?

You remember the furor over Michael’s little sister and the infamous flash seen round the world at the Super Bowl a few years ago?

CBS is still trying to recover from the whole incident; it is also trying to recover some cash after the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) made their pockets light a few dollars over the entire affair.

Jackson has yet to recover from her “flash” in the pan, but amazingly Justin Timberlake’s career has skyrocket proclaiming to “bring sexy back.” Right.

Should Women Be Allowed By Law To Show Their Breasts in Public?

Take the controversial poll at the end of this article to see where you stand!

The old double standard at work

I see a double standard here.

Timberlake can look good with his wet t-shirt photo on the Rolling Stones and no one even throws a stone at his bare chest image. Jackson shows one breast and you thought Western Civilization would crumble before our eyes. It is the breast that has kept many a child in our culture alive through their infant days.

It is the breast that is viewed as “dirty” and “unclean”. It is time for our Western Culture to drop the double standard, get a grip at what is “dirty”, and allow women everywhere the right to choose to let their breast free or not.

Breast gets such a bad rap sometimes as either visually distracting to men (and some women) or they treat women with smaller size breast with disregard. If you are a mother breast-feeding your child, then you are treated as if you are a topless dancer; if you are woman who chooses to flash your breast you can be charged with “indecent exposure” inciting a “riot” with their breast.

Guys can let their chest out for as long as they want without a question; women showing their breast out in public are treated with disregard over their choice of letting their girls out. Trust me, there are times I wonder if men and their breast size should put on a bra and over their mammary sacks up?

More of the double standard

Here’s more of the double standard for you: How is it its okay to read a nature magazine or watching something on television of a developing country and its okay for their women to walk around without their breast covered (which they do this without a worry about “sin” or “exposure” or “indecency”) but people flip out if their favorite star walks out of a shower with their breast exposed?

How about Hollywood studios paying money to their new young starlets to bare their breast as a “right of passage” but they won’t even give a starlet who chooses not to share their breast to the world the time of day? And why is it our arts community celebrate the beauty of the female form on canvas, sculpture and photos showing the naked breast where if you even show a picture of one exposed on an ad or in a magazine you risk censorship by readers or government?

Even in the Bible, Solomon encouraged those men in commitment and relationships to enjoy the breast of their beloved and not to go after the breast of someone outside of the intimacy circle  (see Proverbs 5:19). So how can it be a “sin” for a woman to take off her shirt and allow her “girls” some room to breathe?

Isn’t it time we decriminalize the breast for women? Shouldn’t it be the choice of a woman to be able to dictate when and where it is okay to take off their shirts and when not to? Do we see women as incapable of making such choices and see them as “fragile” in need of care and protection?

Trust me I made that mistake recently at a party giving evil eyes at men who I thought were after my girl. She would later sit me down to tell me, “I know you mean well and are looking out for me, but I was in this by myself dealing with guys far more lurching than you will ever imagine. Trust me to take care of myself and know I am not going off with another man without your permission.” I think this is the crux of the problem.

If men can prance around with their chest exposed and not a word of protest goes out to them then should women’s mammary have the same exposure too? And if so, can we as a society grow up and accept them for what they are: the crowning beauty of creation?

Breaking the myth of the female breast

In researching for this article, I found out there is a movement breaking the myth of the female breast being nothing but just sexual glands. The Topfreedom movement is a worldwide push by women to allow women the right to bare breast and to demystify the mammary as just “titillation devices”.

California, Hawaii, New York, and Ohio to name a few are just a few states in America allowing topfree women (however, law enforcement can still arrest you on “disorderly conduct” charges)

I think women should be proud and able to shed their tops and have their breast treated as something more than sexual objects. In fact, I can’t think of any other way to end this than to give comedian Rusty Warren the floor:

Bounce your boobies, get into the swing.
Bounce your boobies, the swing is everything.
Makes no difference if they’re big or small,
As long as you – ooh! – give ‘em your all.

Who is she? She was a Lubbock, Texas high school student (she’s now in college as of this writing), a church attendee, and comes from a conservative home. Knox was also the subject of the PBS series “P.O.V.” called “The Education of Shelby Knox” where she is the focus of her four years in high school and her fight to bring comprehensive sexual education to her school. Why would someone like her be leading a fight like this?

The Prophet

Like any good “prophet” she saw her people—classmates—suffering form increasing teen pregnancy in her school and others in Lubbock and the spread of STDs. She challenged the Lubbock School Board several times but to no avail; in her journey she realizes places like Lubbock and other areas in the country need to give teens the tools needed to help them to make informed choices when being intimate with another person.

Knox is one of my heroes because she was willing to step outside of her comfort zone and ask the tough questions needed to be asked. Her example helps me to write what I write and ask those tough questions the church and Christians are afraid to ask. I also share her passion over ending the abstinence only teaching in most country and start teaching a through sexual education program around the country and the world.

Choose abstinence for the right reasons

Don’t get me wrong; abstinence is not a bad thing to decide to do for your sexual health. I remember taking my human sexuality course and the instructor taking a sheet of paper and drew a line through the page.

On one side, the risk of being abstinence, the other side, the risk of being sexually active was on the other side of the sheet. While the risk on the sexually active is evident—STD, pregnancy, emotional issues, etc.—those who stay abstinent avoided any of those possible pitfalls. Now proponents supporting the latter view will smile, give high fives, and point at me saying, “see, I told you so!”

Real world issues

However, lets look at the real world shall we? We are human beings, but we are many different parts that make us who we are. We are spiritual beings with the need to be connected with the divine. We are social beings with the need to connect with other people around us. We are sexual beings because, I believe, God made us with the great power to enjoy our sexuality and create life.

With such a great power and responsibility, shouldn’t the final say of how it is used be left to us? The Spiderman geek in me harkens to the mantra created by Stan Lee:“With great power comes great responsibility.”

Give them some credit

I think the main reason why we see such a push for the abstinence only program is they—religious leaders, politicians and moralist– don’t think young people and adults don’t have what it takes to handle the great gift of sexuality with care. Funny.

We trust them to make a decision to give their life for their country, take a drink at a bar, vote, and drive a vehicle. God forbid if they are given the right keys to take control of their own body and to make choices concerning their sexual lives.

The Christian community has done everything from pushing school boards to teaching their view about sexuality to our kids to forcing state and federal governments to spend billions of dollars to quell the rampant sexual drive. Truth is, it doesn’t work.

The better alternative

What a waste to spend all the money, time, and sermons to scare the devil out of kids touching themselves (or each other) when you can save money and talk about ways to treat your potential interest with concern and care.

What a waste of time to avoid people even seeing a condom—let alone knowing what to do with one when you open the foil—when you can show the guys how to put the darn thing on and the benefits of preventing pregnancy and the risk of contacting an STD.

Why abstinence only isn’t working

One fact stuck out to me was how after years of declining rates in teen birth rates in 2007 saw a jump:

The difference between these two approaches, and their impact on teen behavior, remains a controversial subject in the U.S. Teenage birth rates had been dropping in the U.S. since 1991, but a 2007 report showed 3% increase from 2005 to 2006. –CDC National Center for Health Statistics Dec. 12, 2007.

This despite efforts by leaders to show this line of defense alone will curb the tide. Some figures show in some places around the country there was little to no signs of real change. But the hidden toll is the silence from those who either have taken these courses at school or took some sort of pledge of abstaining from sex in their churches (i.e. “The Silver Ring Thingy”).

For the few who succeed in achieving their goal of being “pure” those who are active sexually must feel like failures not just to themselves but to God. Is this what we want to produce in our children?

Not everyone can live up to the ideals of Paul the apostle or the ideas of many in our society so wouldn’t it make sense to give people tools to help them better address the problems young people face than to go into a relationship with a wing and a prayer?

My advice is to take the money making sex a foe and make it a friend and ally. Install respect for this great power, prepare for our young people the possible, and hope the things we teach them will help them make better decisions in the bedroom.

After reading a great article from Bella M. DePaulo about single life, it seems single people get the shaft on many levels: the workplace, getting housing (despite having the means to pay for it), the notion married people are happier than single people in the workplace, etc. The one area I think Ms. DePaulo is missing that’s a slight towards single people is sexuality.

Consequences of promiscuous sexual behavior

For a long time, you’ve been warned from parental units to the street preachers not to engage in promiscuous sexual behavior. Many single people — Christians or non-believers — would spend moments worrying if God has a lightning bolt with your name engraved on it for having a sexual thought or touching yourself in an inappropriate way.

Funny how you’re asked to put your life on the line by joining the military, drive a car, pay taxes, hold a job, and find housing for yourself and you still can’t be trusted for your own sexual lives.

Many in the church think single people are unable to control yourself and that you’re one step away from being an extra on a Girls Gone Wild DVD. I believe its time for the church, parents and our government to stop treating you like children and give the information needed to face your sexual life with confidence.

Save yourself for marriage?

Too often many in the Christian circles try to scare you into a forced life of single celibacy (what the rest of us call abstinence): Save yourself for marriage lest you become a raging sex fiend. In their minds, fear and guilt can cause many to avoid sex and save themselves from contracting STDs or risk pregnancy.

The ultimate cure all to sexual activity is marriage. One problem: Marriage doesn’t give you automatic knowledge about sexuality on the same lines as becoming a single persons can’t make you fully knowledgeable about handling an adult relationship.

Add to it the fury is the misuse of the word “fornication” from many pulpits and Bible scholars and you have young adults confused as to what God means about sex outside of marriage. Instead of its proper usage, they lump this word with every abnormal expression of sexuality instead of normal expressions of sexual intimacy.

Singles are reduced to sitting at the kiddy table of life. “Here, here little Johnny or Jane, we’ll cut up your plate of what you can have sexually for you and you’ll eat what we tell you to or else you can do without.”

Enough!

What does the Bible say about sex outside of marriage?

Here’s a very simple thing you can do if anyone challenges you about being sexually active as a single person: Dare them to look up in the Bible one verse or statement specifically stating God saying no to any single person having sexual relationships outside of marriage.

As Depeche Mode would say, “enjoy the silence.”

I’m glad you are dancing around and giving yourself a high five, but before you book trips to Hedonism III or Las Vegas there are a few things you need to keep in mind when it comes to how you should treat your significant other — current or future.

Sex advice for singles

• Don’t run amok to have aimless un-controlling sex. No need to be a glutton for sex. Moderation is key.
• Masturbation is good! Healthy doses of self love is a good way to get in touch with what you enjoy.
• Educate yourself on issues of sexuality and relationship. May I suggest my all time favorite sex book The Guide to Getting It On published by Goofy Foot Press? Check this book out; trust me it’s a good start to understanding your body and your future partner(s).
• Treat each person you date or have a long-term relationship with love, dignity, and respect. If for any reason the relationship doesn’t live up to a commitment of some sort — marriage, etc. — let the best thing said about you be, “That was one of the best relationships I ever had and I can’t say nary a bad thing about it.”
• Talk to God about whether you should be sexually active or not. Yeah, you heard me don’t look at your screen like I just sucked you into the Matrix. If you want to be a grown up and show you can be responsible for your sex life, than take the time to talk to God and ask him if its okay to be intimate with the person you are with.

When the God of the universe wants to be involved in every aspect of your life most of us turn this part off. Why not turn it on? Test it and see what he says; you’ll be surprised of the outcome.

The big thing is to make is this: its up to you to decide without the guilt and fear dominating in your life. Between yourself and God, you get to take the next step in any relationship.

You are responsible for the birth control material; you are responsible for getting tested; you are in charge of how to prepare to enjoy your sexual life. With God’s help you can decide to be sexual active or hold yourself till you find the person you want to spend the rest of your life.

No pressure. No issues. No problem.

Let the celebration begin!

–Gene Eugene, lead singer of Adam Again

I always admire people who are not afraid to come out in the light and live their life fearlessly. The Naked Cowboy in Times Square playing his guitar and giving a smile in the busiest city in the world.

An exotic dancer at a Gentleman’s club showing off her skill, talent and her body knowing full well their relatives or friends could walk into the door at any time. They are honest and open about who they are and despite their inner fears they face it and deal with whatever the outcome.

Unfortunately, people of the Christian faith have a harder time dealing with being an honest people. Oh don’t get me wrong, their faith is strong and many don’t have a trouble getting dressed to head into church to worship God. But if there is any subject that causes even the truest of believer to cower into the corner its sex.

Sex keeps even the truest believer to find a good excuse to be somewhere else other than in the place where you are. Why? In many pulpits around the world it is taught that sex is wonderful when it is placed in the marital bed.

Sex outside of that (or any variance of “God’s design”) is an abomination in the eyes of God, so they say. Yet many a believer—myself included—find us in situations where we say one thing and do another.

This is the hypocrite’s tale. It is a tale of longing, wanting badly to be honest about what we are attracted to. Our love of everything sexual, and a desire to have a relationship where there are no secrets between our partners and ourselves is a dream that seems so far away.

Some in the church say that’s an oxymoron! I say this is not only attainable but something I think God supports in our lives. But if we are to get to that place of honesty there is one thing you and I need to say from the get go:

I LOVE SEX!

Say that three times to yourself or stand in the mirror and say it out loud. There, don’t you feel better now? I hope so. If we are to start on the road to honesty we need to say this to ourselves and admit we enjoy this great gift God created in us. So you like sex eh? Good. Now lets get down to the next phase of an honest life.

Here is a revelation that is going to shock the socks off of you. Baring any sexual abuse to children, animals, an adulterous affair, or other adults who are forced upon sexually you can enjoy pretty much anything else provided it doesn’t offend your conscious or the conscious of anyone else.  God has given you the freedom to enjoy the wide range of sexuality. From masturbation to even (dare I say it) inviting others into your bedroom you don’t have to act in the shadows again.

Too good to be true, you say?…

I thought so too because for many years I lived in the shadows sexually gorging on anything erotic to whet my appetite while in public I denounced these very acts as wicked and wrong. The best way to describe it is like you gorge on mounds and mounds of sexual material and experiences as if you never had sex before.

Then you get so stuffed (sexually speaking) you go to church or to your own home and regurgitate all those experiences with promises of “I’ll be a better Christian Lord if you’ll help me never to do this again”. You’re then caught in a vicious cycle of craving for sex, getting filled behind the backs of everyone, regret, repenting and re-repenting to never do it again.

Sit back and look at what’s going on here. You are letting this cycle take control of you and one day it will destroy all the things that is good within your life.

Relationships with spouses, boyfriends and girlfriends are ruined because you can’t bring yourself to the truth you like sex. Take it from me you don’t have to beat yourself up for having a sexual thought.

Break the cycle. Learn to accept yourself not just as a spiritual being but also as a sexual one too with needs for intimacy and love. Accept yourself not as evil for touching yourself, for seeing bodies entwined in passion, or enjoying entwining yourself but as a normal person of God. Paul said it best in Romans: “Therefore do not let what is for you a good thing be spoken of as evil.” (Rom 14: 15).

Today is the day to stop living in the shadows and start living an honest life. It is sad the rest of the church is more worried about sex toys or whether a child sees a nipple and not enough time encouraging fellow sisters and brothers to enjoy their God given right to sex.

Determine today that this will be the time in your life you don’t have to be crushed by guilt and manufactured fear (fed by tradition and misinformation) and find out how much of sexuality you really can enjoy.

They especially take issue with their partner’s sexual history. But the problem comes in when they pass judgment on their partner for “sexual indiscretions”, and try to “save” this person. This is a very common problem with men from very religious backgrounds, when they discover their wife or girlfriend has had sex before them… and, gasp! sometimes with more than just one man!

This of course results in serious relationship problems, and often a break up or divorce.

We are today the product of our upbringing, experiences, and choices

The person you love is who they are because of their upbringing, their experiences, and each and every choice they made up to this point in their lives. Without all those factors, this person would not be who they are today, and would likely not have ever met you – since all those circumstances in their life also ultimately led to the two of you coming together.

So it is naive and hypocritical for people to talk about “forgiving” their partners’ sexual past, when they love this person for who they are today.

Women and virgins… “Hey – who broke the safety seal on this one?!”

This whole thing about “I want to marry a virgin” sounds nice in theory, but it doesn’t reflect the reality in our society today.

The real question to ask is – “who cares?” So what if she’s had sex before? Maybe then she’ll actually know what she’s doing when she has sex with you – better yet, maybe she’ll actually know what she likes.

Gasp! Women taking pleasure in sex. No, it can’t be! Sure, it’s barely been over 100 years since the ever enlightened medical establishment of the day (read: men with large egos) was telling us that women don’t actually take pleasure in sex. Of course during those glorious days doctors could only examine the parts of a woman that weren’t covered by her mandatory head-to-toe clothing. No, seriously. This is not fiction. It’s the height of the arrogance and hypocrisy of the Victorian age… a time from which many of today’s sexual taboos stem, and thus many of today’s relationship sex and intimacy problems.

There are places in today’s world still where women cannot show their faces. Lifting their veils amounts to public pornography, and is against the law of the land. Can you believe it? And let’s not forget that it’s barely been sixty years since women have been allowed to vote.

We live in fascinating times, but our dark history is not far behind.

Strong religious upbringing and sex education…

Something we see very often from people raised in a very strict religious manner is a complete lack of sex education. Unfortunately, when we hide away from sex and don’t teach our children about the realities of sex, the inevitable will happen… from teen pregnancy, to sexually transmitted diseases, to child molestation, and so on.

We are sexual beings. Ignoring this very important part of our very nature results in many of the sexual and relationship problems we see today. In addition, there’s a strong trend toward the “behind closed doors” type of sexual activity and experimentation.

There are many wonderful things that have come out of religious circles. But it’s important to remember that at the core of most of today’s religious teachings is the original message of peace, love, and forgiveness. The problem comes in when organized religion tells us to pass judgment on others and change them.  What happened the peace, love, and forgiveness part?

Can you forgive her past indiscretions and move on with your relationship?

That’s a tough question since there’s nothing really there for you to “forgive”. She didn’t do anything to you.

The real question is… can you embrace the love that you have been blessed to partake in, or is your anti-sex bias more important to you… important enough to give up your love and move on?

Here’s a question from a man in Ontario trying to cope with this same dilemma.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I have a really loving and caring partner that I love and care for too. I have concerns about previous past with that person. Before I start I want you to know that I am 25 year old Catholic and this is my first serious relationship. My fiance is 27 years old and she is Greek Orthodox who had a few previous relationships.

And this is what is bothering me… the fact that I have not dated and got affiliated with people whom I knew that I would not want to stay with but also I lived a very lonely life because of that. My bother comes from her past that for one she had a first marriage that in her early twenties but got a divorce shortly after. That bothers me because I was expecting to meet a girl who would be a virgin.

What also bothers me is that she dated more guys after and got affiliated with them also. It was very painful for me to find a box of condoms with condom cream in her bathroom that was hidden under a big mess. Now you may see where I am coming from I feel that she has done such horrible things and here I am the person who loves her who is suppose to accept her.

This person has lived on her own at a very young age and only has a mother because the father passed away. I can see that she may have a reason that this has happened and I believe its from being alone also.

She loves me with everything and says that she has never met someone like me before who is caring, emotional, very sensitive and not a typical guy who drinks beer and watched tv all the time. I need your help in making me understand why I am feeling sad, anger at times, unhappy and no being able to talk with my partner. It is very hard to forgive and move on. Please help.

– Rafal, Ontario

Things have changed.

They are not yet as equal as they should be and the Roe vs. Wade keeps being modified and brought into question, but women have made a lot of headway in our culture.  We “have come a long way, baby”.  And perhaps as a rallying point for women the National Organization for Women is needed to get people to push for women’s freedoms.  Maybe we wouldn’t address them without this, what I call, “Self Protective” stance. But it’s a shame.

In the past few years men have begun to organize themselves in a similar fashion. There is a National Men’s Equality Congress this year, there are men’s rights books and magazines, men’s rights online digests and men’s activism agencies.  They have brought light to the issue of parental alienation and father’s rights. And for better or worse, Alec Baldwin has suddenly become their spokesman. They have done some great things to help father’s regain position in the courts as important in the emotional lives of children. But again, they have thrust themselves into an extremely “Self Protective” stance. Again, it’s a shame.

As human animals we find ourselves in this “Self Protective” position when we perceive ourselves to be under attack. There is no doubt that women have perceived themselves as under attack from the pedagogical structure of our society from it’s outset.  Women have fought for the right to vote, to go to work, to own property, to raise our children on our own and to choose when to continue to carry a child. Women have even had to fight for the right to not be beaten by their husbands.

In our culture, and most others, men have more income and therefore more access to financial power. Money buys a lot of power. It’s easy for those without power to assume that those in power have all the rights they want and that they are persecutory. Women have experienced themselves as the “Victims” of this perceived persecutory power that men have held for generations. There is no doubt that women have suffered.

When we perceive ourselves to be “Victims” we have three choices. We can remain in the “Victim” position and let ourselves slowly deteriorate because this position is one of hopelessness and powerlessness; there is no way out. Or, we can learn to placate our persecutor and please and cater to them while controlling them through our pandering to them, this is called being a “Rescuer.  It is a position that women have often, throughout history used to give them as sense of power (think of the characterization of a “Jewish Mother” or a “Southern Belle”).  Finally, we can chose to become a “Self Protector” and fight for our rights against our persecutor whom we perceive to be “wrong”, “bad”, and needing punishment (a classic example is of the caricature of a “bra-burning femi-Nazi dyke” from which most men recoil in fear).

The problem with choosing to perceive ourselves as a “Victim” and taking any of these positions is that we cannot escape the battle.  Conflict and pain is unavoidable when we are in this egocentric position of perceiving ourselves as the “Victim” of some persecutor that has no soul and no sense of empathy for our plight. We are then stuck in a position of having to fight for our survival against a perceived enemy.  We become staunchly adversarial with our foe. We fight until we prevail and our enemy “loses”.

Of course, when someone loses a battle they are then the “Victim” and in order for them to have any hope, they have no choice but to fight back.  Gangsters find themselves locked into this stupid cycle for generations and with lives lost on either side simply for the reason that they cannot let themselves be in the “Victim” position.Africa is caught in this cycle at the cost of millions of lives. The Judeo-Christian world has been caught in this cycle with Muslims for thousands of years. And women and men are stuck in it as well.

The death and destruction caused by what I call “The Cycle of Egocentrism” has cost lives, humanity dignity, peace and unfathomable resources throughout time. And it’s so unnecessary.

With all the combined wisdom of our modern world we do know other ways to behave.  But we choose not to because we don’t realize that our behaviors are dictated by primitive brain stem activity that makes us believe the three positions are our only hope for survival. It is our primitive brain, a part of us that evolved to help us survive primitive conditions which dictates our current battles. But we are evolved beings. We do have the capacity to think and make choices based on new information.

As women and men separating ourselves into these “Self Protective” positions we are forever locked into battle. Yet we do have different choices we can make. We can choose to move out of the idea that in order to avoid being a “Victim” we have to be “Self Protectors”.   Instead we can take ownership of our own lives, and provide ourselves and or former “enemy” with respect and empathy.  We can move out of  “The Cycle of Egocentrism” and into “The Cycle of Compassion” and provide ourselves an opportunity to experience deeper connection with the opposite sex instead of viewing ourselves as opponents in a battle for survival.  The truth is we cannot survive without each other. There is no arena in which this is more obvious than the “battle of the Sexes”.

Two weeks ago we took a poll to see exactly how our readers feel about Prostitution.

We asked: "Should We Legalize Prostitution Now?"

The conversation was heated and down right amazing. Readers left many hundreds of comments all over Netscape.com and on the posts themselves.

So just what were the results of this controversial prostitution poll?

More than 2800 of our readers spoke out and the answers will surprise you… 

The response to this poll from Netscape.com was so strong that it literally crashed our servers after just a few hours – oops. We’ve since upgraded our servers to handle the additional traffic that a topic like this can generate. If you did not get to Take the Legalize Prostitution Poll before, do it now so that your voice can be heard! Thank you for your patience as we recovered from these growing pains. 

Here’s the breakdown as of 5/15/2007

(We’ll update the results periodically as the numbers change.)

Take the poll

1. If you’re one of the few who missed it, here’s the article that sparked so much conversation and controversy: Should Prostitution be Legal? Take the Poll!
2. If you haven’t taken the poll yet, Take the Legalize Prostitution Poll to make your vote count on this incredibly controversial topic.
3. And be sure you make yourself heard in the other hot poll of the week: Sex Poll: Would You Consider Swinging or Polyamory?

Don’t forget to leave a comment below to let us know where you stand. 

A major scandal rocked our nation when it was publicly announced that Deborah Jeane Palfrey operated an escort / prostitution service in Washington D.C.

Wow, imagine that. She provided a service that people were seeking, employed women who were seeking employment, paid these women well and did her best to ensure safe working conditions. Hmmm. Seems like sound business practices to me.

And yet, certain individuals want to send her to prison because of some outdated puritanical laws that are left over from the times of witch burning and other proud moments in our history.

Take the Poll and Join the Conversation!

Hypocrisy and Prostitution

One of our readers said it best: “The perception of Prostitution is more ridiculous and hypocritical than all else. It’s the oldest profession yet the one most demonized. Why? The government could control the houses with all health issues addressed, tax revenues for the government, contented customers who now hide, and finally prostitution off the streets. Instead, it’s illegal with harsh jail sentences, and not government controlled.

I find it perplexing that politicians, bankers, lawyers, business people, and all other men and women use the profession, yet it’s illegal in the eyes of the religious and hypocrites. It’s all lunacy.” — NelsonR, Netscape.com

The very politicians and government officials who fight to ban prostitution are indulging in it. Wow, what a surprise. Hypocrisy at it’s finest. The beauty here is that Deborah Jeane Palfrey’s defense team has decided to release the names of all her clients, most likely including some of those same government officials.

Escort Service or Prostitution… So What’s the Difference?

OK, she says it was a high end escort service, but authorities are calling it a prostitution ring.

We hear a lot about escort services and how they’re legal, but every now and then an “escort service” gets shut down and the media proudly proclaims it was actually “a prostitution ring”. So what’s really the difference? Plausible Deniability… An escort service simply introduces the escort to the client. He or she is responsible for what goes on behind closed doors. Which by the way is no one else’s business!

Is Prostitution a Sin?

Here’s an interesting question… Please take a moment and really think about this one. No, not the media propaganda – what do YOU think?

Why is prostitution a Sin? Clearly it’s driven by the religious fringe that cried foul when Janet Jackson’s breast escaped. These are the same people that declared a day of mourning for the “breast” moment.

If fact, why don’t we just ask women to keep their faces covered in public while we’re at it? There are other religious extremists in this world who still require women to cover their faces in public (it’s pornographic and sinful to show their faces).

And do they really need to be allowed to go to jobs? Nah, let’s force them to stay in their homes, pregnant and raising babies. And this whole voting mess, clearly that’s for men only.

Obviously there’s a need for more separation of church and state - laws like this are downright scary.

Why is Prostitution a Crime?

Here’s the question of the hour… Why is prostitution a crime?

Does prostitution compare to rape and murder, where the rights of another person are truly violated?

Prostitution is a mutual decision by both parties to have sex.

Driving it underground results in a very unsafe environment for the escorts and their clients in this industry. Most of the ills people cite about prostitution is propaganda they’ve heard on the news for years - the majority of it which is entirely caused by driving this activity underground. Remember Prohibition?

It is about nothing more than government taking away the rights of private citizens – keeping adults from having consensual sex.

It’s weird – in some ways we’re the most sexually liberated society in history, and in other ways we’re downright puritanical about it.

While We’re At It, Why Don’t We Outlaw Plumbers and Other Services Performed by Consenting Adults Too?

I’m sure glad plumbers don’t have to fix drains and toilets on the black market. Can you imagine swarms of housewives going to plumbing brothels to learn the fine art of “fixing that leaky faucet”?

Of course, there would be no state regulation, so anyone could pass themselves off as a plumber (board certified too). You’d have to meet him in a dark alley, exchange cash, and hope you don’t get mugged or shot just for going out to find a plumber.

And of course you couldn’t ask your friends and colleagues what plumber they recommend – nope, that doesn’t work after a professional is criminalized. So people still use the services, but the costs go way up, reliability goes way down, and the danger for everyone is increased a hundred fold…

Prostitution is Illegal Today – But has it Stopped?

Of course not, sex is too hard wired into our nature as human beings. It’s basic supply and demand…

Underground services will always continue, but they are never safe. Imagine the state prostitution safety board inspecting brothels for safety and women’s rights actually being enforced in this industry.

How about the state employment commissions and OSHA actually protecting these women? Many of them endure horrible conditions and are forced into virtual slavery on the streets – all because their government abandoned them on false religious grounds?

Imagine… those police resources that today are wasted arresting these women and their customers – could be used to protect these women and actually reduce the real crime.

Think about the countless women working the streets, lurking in back alleys to keep from being arrested. It’s amazing that in a supposedly civilized and enlightened society, such a woman fears the law as much as she fears being mugged (or worse) in a back alley where she has to hide out.

This is right out of the middle ages.

Let’s Make Prostitution Safe, Save Lives, and Bring in Tax Dollars

Push aside the social stigmas and phobias for a minute and consider this…

A doctor has to show his medical license, and it can be revoked if he commits malpractice.

A nail manicurist and a hair stylist also are regulated by their local government safety boards, to make sure they follow safe working practices, keep a clean work environment, and provide for the well being of their customers.

Imagine… How about a “sex professional” who must get tested weekly – and has to display her official medical results in the “office”?

How about major corporations entering the business, and taking responsibility for the safety of these employees and of their clients? It would be an amazing win-win-win for the companies, the working women, and their customers.

Take the Poll and Sound Off on This Amazingly Controversial Topic!

1. Answer this short poll to see where you fit in with the rest of the world on this incredibly controversial topic.
2. And then, join the conversation and leave a comment below to tell us why you feel the way you do.

What are we coming to when we show blood and guts sprayed all over the TV, even on the Family Channel and Cartoon Network, but it’s wrong to even talk about sex. God forbid, someone shows a breast – we all remember the Janet Jackson incident. What should have been a funny blooper ended up being turned into a complete scandal.

When did sex become evil and wrong? When did war and violence become the norm? It seems that we’ve become so desensitized that no one gives it a second thought.

This Easter, I’m asking you to do just that. Think about it. Question it. Ask yourself why things are the way they are. Is it possible that we are holding on to beliefs that no longer serve us? Is it possible that we are following blindly in our parents’ footsteps without ever questioning the different motivations and circumstances between the generations?

It’s no wonder that our society is so dysfunctional when it comes to sex and relationships, and why our children are killing themselves in record numbers. When we value violence more than love, happiness, and joy – this is what we get. I’m definitely not talk about more censorship or taking away more freedoms. We’ve done enough of that already!

What I’m talking about is taking personal responsibility for our society today. It’s time to question everything and then do something about it.

So just exactly why am I going off on this topic when it really has little to do with dating and relationships?

For the second time, AskDanAndJenifer.com was banned by an advertiser, Kontera Technologies – for none other than Adult Content. Now I don’t know about you, but when I think of adult content, I think of Playboy TV and the like. But Wait! We have no nudity, no graphic language, and pornographic material at all on our website – Period! Check it our for yourself.

When we questioned Kontera about their decision, here’s what they said.

"Your site deals a lot with sexual relations, even that there is no nudity or graphic language, it is still considered as mature content with us."

"Sexual Relations" (you have to say it in a whisper so that no one will hear you). They couldn’t even say "sex". Kontera turned us down because we TALK about sex! That’s their choice and I’m happy that we live in a time where they can make that decision freely, but do they really think their clients are not grown ups with the ability to discern what they’re reading? And Heaven forbid (yes, that pun is intended), our children actually stumble across a web site that talks openly and honestly about sex. They may even grow up knowing how to make informed decisions about sex rather than learning everything from their buddies and worse yet their first boyfriend or girlfriend.

My real concern is that this decision by Kontera represents a much bigger problem. Their views about sex are reflective of our society as a whole. Where are we going as a society when I can talk about war and violence all day long and show gruesome pictures of this violence on my website with no ramifications what so ever?

But… When we start talking openly and honestly about sex and giving honest advice to people who have questions about dating, relationships, love, and sex, suddenly we’re put into the same category as child pornography and hard core porn? There’s something seriously wrong with that.

Our children grow up knowing more about combat strategies and murder than they do about their own bodies.

This is the real problem. It’s time to take the stigma away from sex and start talking about it openly and honestly for what it is – a completely normal and healthy part of our lives.

You may not realize just how much censorship takes place every day that is keeping you from expressing your God given rights and freedoms.

While mostly naked swimsuit models are splashed on every magazine cover and billboard nationwide, the mere mention of sex or implied sexuality will get your ad pulled faster than you can say “sex”.

In fact, here’s an excellent example from today.

This morning I received a notification email from Text-Link-Ads, one of the great folks supporting our site. Advertisers go through Text-Link-Ads to purchase various text link ad spots on our blog. And the notification email asked me to go review an ad someone would like to place on our site. But when I logged on, I couldn’t see the ad pending review. So I emailed Text-Link-Ads to ask about it.

The answer was: “Hi Dan, It was an adult site so I had to decline it. Sorry for the hassle.” To which my immediate response was: “Hmmm… I’d still like to see the site and make that decision myself. I may or may not have a problem with the site.”

For us, it really depends on whether they provide content or a service that we feel would benefit our guests and readers.

Text-Link-Ads is great, do check them out…

Just to be clear, we aren’t holding anything against Text-Link-Ads. It’s entirely their choice what sites they do business with. Just like AskDanAndJennifer.com is our home on the web, and we get to decide who is and isn’t welcome.

We’ve had only good experiences dealing with them, and we recommend them highly. If you have a blog and are looking to make some extra money to cover your costs, sign up with them as a publisher.

If you would like to advertise to the readers of thousands of popular blogs, be sure to take advantage of the $100 in free ads coupon Text-Link-Ads is running right now.

So why the heck does all of this Sexual Censorship matter to you?

We try really hard to keep all of our posts on topic for our readers.

But let’s recap our mission for AskDanAndJennifer.com: “To help people create more conscious relationships based on love and acceptance rather than fear, jealousy, anger, and ownership. It’s time to move on from outdated ideas about relationships and sex…”

So yes, some sexual content would be appropriate on our blog.

And what exactly is an adult site anyway?

That’s hard to say for sure. This morning I didn’t even get to find out. And unfortunately these types of fears lead to blurring lines and very broad definitions.

• Could it perhaps be an adult dating site like Adult Friend Finder? What’s wrong with that? Tens of millions of people find sex partners on Adult Friend Finder. If people didn’t use it, this site wouldn’t be more popular than all the top online dating sites put together.
• Or maybe a BDSM dating site, like ALT.com – sister site to Adult Friend Finder? Again, if millions of people didn’t find this service useful, it would quickly go out of business.
• Or – No not that! – maybe it’s a live adult video chat site like Sizzling Cams or Totally Free Cams, where you can connect with live people from all over the U.S. and beyond. And – gasp – they cater to every possible fetish you can think of. Yes, that too.  And you can even sample the product for free. Wow, it may be sinful just thinking about it.
  WARNING, these are adult sites. Before you click, cover your eyes – and if you’re at work, turn your speakers off!

So, it would still be nice as free American adults to make our own decisions about whether or not we’d like to view or display adult content on our blogs and websites.

And don’t even get me started on “protecting the children” from porn.

That scam has been used to take away more freedoms than just about anything in recent history, except maybe for the Patriot Act. We can better protect our children by being real parents and without locking up all of the adults.

Major News Media Censorship – What ever happened to free speech?

These days it’s more like ‘restricted’ speech.

Some years ago Jennifer and I started and online dating site here in Dallas. It was a very interesting and educational experience. And we learned a lot about the type of censorship that goes on behind the scenes in Corporate America today.

We signed up to run some banner ads on the websites of two prominent Dallas area newspapers. They signed the contract, accepted payment, and had no problem with our creatives (the banner ads) initially.

Then, right as we were going live with the campaigns, both called to tells us they would have to pull the ads due to the sexual connotation in the creatives.

By the way, we can’t mention the names of the newspapers here or many media outlets won’t publish this article – more censorship…

Do we just fear nudity or is it the mere thought of open sexuality?

Here’s one of the banner ads in question for your viewing enjoyment. You’ll note there is no nudity shown whatsoever, and there is nothing graphic, violent, or otherwise generally offensive in the ad.

Not to imply there’s anything immediately offensive about the natural state of the human body – but that’s another discussion for another day.

However, the depiction of this woman licking a thorn is very sensual, seductive, and sexually playful. Or could it be because we mentioned Intimate Encounters. We can’t have that now can we – people admitting that they actually want and have sex.

And sometimes you can’t say the word “Gay” on the radio

This is a little off topic, but not too much. We were signing a deal to run some radio ads on a very popular Dallas radio station when we found out that we had to edit our ad. They required a single very specific change – we had to edit out the word “gay”. No, really.

Janet Jackson’s infamous breast – the wardrobe malfunction extraordinaire

I’m sure many of you remember Janet Jackson’s “wardrobe malfunction” not too long ago. This was one of (if not THE) most replayed moment in TIVO history. Gee, guess that tells us something.

And sadly millions of people turned to stone that day. Or did they? Wait, this just in. Janet Jackson’s breast did not trigger mass fatalities after all. Not to mention the administrative grandstanding in the days following, you would have thought someone had launched a nuclear war.

In summary

We believe sex is not in any way evil or terrible. But this general fear and shame associated with sex and sexuality is a prime cause for many of our societal issues and relationship problems.

How many people don’t even know if they’re sexually compatible until after they get into a marriage contract? Yes, it’s their choice of course. But just think about their chances of staying together long term if their sex life is really poor. Of course they could stay together and pretend to be monogamous like many couples do, and cheat with others on the side. Is that really better? Is it any surprise our divorce rate is over 50%?

Ok, deep breath. Blessings all round, and on with our day.

Please leave a comment below to tell us what you think on the topic of Sexual Censorship!