This is how messed up my understanding of faith and sexuality was as a believer in Jesus. In order to show myself worthy and approved, in order to make sure I can present myself pure before God, self-love was not an option for a believer because it was seen as a sin against God.

Masturbation means I see something (or someone) to cause my loins to stir and thus touch myself; this means I violated the "fornication" code of having sex outside of marriage and violating God’s plan for me.

The message against masturbation 

I can’t remember if I became a believer first, masturbated first, or both, but I think after reading some Christian books and hearing teachers from the pulpit come heavy against sexual issues I got the message very clear. If you are to a believer of honor, then you are to keep yourself sexually pure till marriage.

I tried not to touch myself down there. Not to masturbate or think of pleasing myself because it’s evil, of course. My will power (unfortunately) was like one Cosmo Kramer who was the first to loose "the Contest" against Jerry, Elaine, and George on the Seinfield series.

Then again, that could be a good thing.

But is It really wrong? 

You see after many tears, many times mentally and spiritually beating myself up, I soon realized maybe masturbation is not a bad thing after all. My human sexuality teacher recommended Betty Dodson’s book "Sex for One."

Man! Talk about an eye opening theory about the practice; she even had pictures and the whole nine yards.

But the thing that won me over to the "Touch Myself" club was a letter from a Pentecostal woman from Cincinnati, Ohio. She wrote how she felt guilty for years due to the church world she lives in, but because of the book it opened her eyes and mind. Now she knows God won’t shoot her down for touching herself.

"Well if she can do it and find inner peace, why not me?" I thought.

The truth about loving yourself 

I realized a few things along the way to enjoy masturbation and keep things in perspective:

Many believers look at Onan as the reason why masturbation shouldn’t be part of a believer or non-believers life. If the passage in Genesis is looked at closely you can see it wasn’t masturbation in the sense of giving pleasure to ones self. God struck down Er because of his wickedness. After that happened, God asked Onan to fulfill the duty of his brother and continue the gene line by lying with his widow Tamar.

In what could be dubbed "the costliest money shot of all time" Onan "spilled his seed" so Er’s family line wouldn’t have an offspring. So Onan lost his life over the betrayal.

Tradition and retribution 

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