When we feel emotional threat, we respond with this primitive part of our brain.  We feel scared, and our defenses go on autopilot.  We feel angry and protective and either withdraw or go into attack mode to regain a sense of control.  While it is possible to feel a need to have sex from this place, it’s more of a desire for dominance than it is the kind of intimacy that we most need and want. 

Women tend to be turned off by men who display the need for this type of sexual encounter, if they aren’t it’s because they have never experienced the other kind.   And even if they will put up with it for a while, eventually they will stop wanting to participate because it just doesn’t feel good.  It feels scary and unsafe.

Safety is what leads to continued, warm intimate and frequent sex.  When we feel safe with our partner our brains kick into a mode that allows us to drop our boundaries and allow ourselves to feel the vulnerability we need to feel in order to experience deep sexual intimacy.  Being afraid triggers the old brain into survival mode and sets up firm boundaries that keep distance between us. ant More Sex

So, if you want more sex, work toward more emotional safety in your relationship.  Emotional safety is accomplished by awareness of and sensitivity to what our partner is feeling.  It means being aware that when our partner feels threatened and is yelling or acting angry toward us, we listen to what is underneath their angry behavior. We ask them for more information about what may have hurt them and own up to our part in whatever occurred.  This doesn’t mean passively letting them have their way, it means sharing about what we honestly feel and negotiating a result that works for both of you. 

Our old brain is tricky.  It can make us think that something is threatening when it’s not. It can make us think we are being attacked when we are not.  Being sensitive to what may trigger our partner into feeling they are being attacked helps us be more aware of what might be standing in the way of more intimacy (i.e. more sex).

Read more great articles from Melody Brooke. 

Featured Author, Melody Brooke, MA, LPC, LMFT is the author of "Cycles of the Heart: A way out of the egocentrism of everyday life", speaker, workshop presenter and counselor. She is also a Certified Radix Practitioner, Right Use of Power Teacher and InterPlay Teacher. Melody’s 19 years work with individuals, couples and families has provided her with a unique approach to solving clients’ problems. 

To find out more about InterPlay and "Cycles of the Heart" go to www.melodybrooke.com.

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