Sexual Abstinence – Can You REALLY Have Intimacy Without Sex? (Video)

Regardless of your personal reasons for choosing sexual abstinence, you really need to talk with your partner about what is and is not OK. The boundaries are different for everyone.

What IS Sexual Abstinence?

Here’s an excellent definition from SmarterSex.org

Sexual abstinence is a choice to refrain from sexual activity. This choice is usually made for a specific reason. The reason may be moral, religious, legal, or for health and safety.

Read this question from a desperate young man who’s wondering how he can ignite the passion in his relationship – without actually having sex…

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I have been dating my girlfriend for a little over two years now, and we have decided to refrain from sex until marriage.

The lack of sex isn’t a problem like I said, but the main problem we are facing is a lack of intimacy. For example, we haven’t really ever made out or fooled around. We started to make out once but then all of a sudden – like something clicked in her head – she stopped abruptly.

Since then I have tried a few more times to make a move to make out with her, but every time she just seems to have a defense mechanism. I was wondering if you have any advice for me to be able to overcome this hurdle, or if you have some tips for us to try and make our relationship be more intimate without sex. Any advice you have will be greatly appreciated.

– Dan, Michigan

Watch this short video for our thoughts on this very interesting question…

Don’t forget to Give this video 5 stars on YouTube and Subscribe to Ask Dan And Jennifer so you can stay up to date with all our latest videos.

Then, be sure to chime in and tell us your thoughts – leave a comment below.

Intimacy Without Sex

Given that you’ve agreed not to have sex, is it possible to still have sexual intimacy?

Again, that depends on how you define intimacy. Is it cuddling on the sofa, or is it giving and receiving oral sex? As you can see those are two very opposite extremes. We like to think that intimacy is a shared closeness rather than a sexual activity, but that does not have to be your definition.

Intimacy is one of those words that has different meanings for different people. That’s why it’s critical to talk to each other and find meanings and boundaries that you’re both comfortable with. This is not about anyone else and is completely between the two of you.

You see, to some, kissing is the highest form of intimacy and to others ‘getting intimate’ means sexual intercourse.

It’s time to get down to details…

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Posted On August 30, 2007 · Filed Under Sex Tips & Advice · Tagged With abstinence, lack of intimacy, sex, sex advice, sex advice videos, sex before marriage, sex questions, sexuality, videos, wait for marriage, waiting

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Comment Policy: Keep it positive and on topic. Comments will be promptly deleted if that are 1.) spammy (i.e. keyword like "dating tips" in place of your name, 2.) not related to this article, or 3.) in any way offensive or attacking to anyone. It's OK to disagree but it must be in a respectful and positive manner. Thanks!

Jay

What I first noticed was they are already "on the way" to having sex when -tick- something came to her mind and she stopped.

Now that 'something' is the question. And most women will either not say anything about it and just say "it's ok.. remember no sex until marriage" or will say "I remembered I have something to do". But there is something deeper.

As Speak sexy said, there is something bothering your girlfriend. It could be a past history (a rape perhaps?) or religious (is her local preacher an 'extremist' claming that she will die tomorrow after having sex?)

Try to know that 'something'. If she really doesn't want to tell you that, it is either [1] she doesn't trust you completely to tell you her deepest secrets; [2] she's not ready and comfortable 'yet'.

Personally, try to talk about it and be open, but do NOT, again do NOT force her to. Especially giving her a mandate. I know guys who give mandates just because they want to force something out of their partners... soo bad.

Speak Sexy

Although I understand and completely support a couple's consensual decision to abstain from sex until marriage, the above letter does make me concerned for a few reasons. The question that really jumps out is why his girlfriend refuses to be physically intimate with him at all - including kissing.

I strongly believe physical contact (not necessarily sexual) is vital to any love relationship; hugs, kisses, caresses, etc. These behaviors bond two people together in a way that words and conversations can not. Men in particular are infamous for equating physical contact with emotional intimacy and love. It is often what separates a great "friendship" from a romantic "relationship."

I would recommend that Dan really talk to his girlfriend about why she doesn't want to touch/be touched. Was there abuse in her childhood? Is she not sexually attracted to him? Is it something silly and curable - like he has bad breath or she is inexperienced/shy? Finding out the why behind her behavior is crucial to understanding how much of a "problem" this really is. She could be using the "no sex before marriage" as a clever excuse for not dealing with other, deeper relational/sex issues.

Ryan

Hi guys,
This topic is very touchy in our house right now, I am 27 and I had a historectomy 4 wks ago so we are abstinent for medical reasons. My husband and I are having a really hard time, I don't think he really understands what I am going through. I am probably being selfish because I want nothing to do with him sexually, but he only wants sexual attention there is no holding or cuddling. He starts to touch me sexually and I get frustrated and then he just leaves. I know talking would help he just doesn't want to hear me, what should I do.
Ryan

Wild Bill

While I am all for abstinence if both people have agreed to it, in this case it sounds like his girlfriend has other issues that she needs to work out.

If the marriage is a couple of months away then ok I can see waiting, however if the date is more than a couple of months away it sounds like this guy is getting played.

Great discussion Dan and Jennifer

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