Sexual Abstinence – Can You REALLY Have Intimacy Without Sex? (Video)

Talk openly about what kinds of sexual activities you are open to and what sexual activities are absolutely off limits. Since you’re not having sex, you’re going to have to learn to talk about it openly.

Here’s my question. If you’ve never had sex, how do you define the boundaries of sexual activity?

My suggestion to answering this question is to buy some books and truly learn about your body and sex – what it is, what it isn’t. That way you can make an educated decision on where to set your personal boundaries. 

Once you’ve identified the boundaries, stick to them! 

Trust and communication are so important to maintain a deep level of intimacy, especially when trying to abstain from sex. You don’t want to accidentally go too far and risk ruining the opportunity for further intimacy – and damaging your relationship! 

Choosing Sexual Abstinence

One thing we want everyone to consider carefully is their reasons for choosing sexual abstinence.

While we support and respect other belief systems, we do not feel that sex is either bad or evil, especially when shared between two people who are in love. We feel that sex is a natural expression of this love and should not be repressed.

Many religious organizations and parents use all kinds of scare tactics like guilt, pregnancy, and disease to keep their children, and even other consenting adults, from having sex.

Don’t fall for these scare tactics.

We believe in making an educated decision! Take the time to really do your homework, read, watch, and ask questions… Understand sex and your body, what it is and what it isn’t, and why you are choosing to refrain from having sex.

Did you get that subtle word? Choice. It’s YOUR choice to have sex or to refrain from it (assuming of course you are of the age of legal consent, which may not be the same everywhere).

You don’t have to agree with us, but don’t simply do what others are telling you to do either.

If you do choose abstinence, make sure that you are doing so because it’s the right thing for you and for your relationship – not because of guilt, religion, or parental obligation.

Ask questions and demand honest and open answers!

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Dan and Jennifer are the Founders and Senior Editors of AskDanAndJennifer.com, which has been called "the best and most popular Love and Sex advice column on the Internet today". Their videos are some of the most popular videos on YouTube. Don't forget to ask your dating, love, and sex questions in the Ask Dan and Jennifer - Love, & Sex Forums. You should Fan Dan & Jennifer on Facebook and Follow them on Twitter!

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Comment Policy: Keep it positive and on topic. Comments will be promptly deleted if that are 1.) spammy (i.e. keyword like "dating tips" in place of your name, 2.) not related to this article, or 3.) in any way offensive or attacking to anyone. It's OK to disagree but it must be in a respectful and positive manner. Thanks!

  • Jay
    What I first noticed was they are already "on the way" to having sex when -tick- something came to her mind and she stopped.

    Now that 'something' is the question. And most women will either not say anything about it and just say "it's ok.. remember no sex until marriage" or will say "I remembered I have something to do". But there is something deeper.

    As Speak sexy said, there is something bothering your girlfriend. It could be a past history (a rape perhaps?) or religious (is her local preacher an 'extremist' claming that she will die tomorrow after having sex?)

    Try to know that 'something'. If she really doesn't want to tell you that, it is either [1] she doesn't trust you completely to tell you her deepest secrets; [2] she's not ready and comfortable 'yet'.

    Personally, try to talk about it and be open, but do NOT, again do NOT force her to. Especially giving her a mandate. I know guys who give mandates just because they want to force something out of their partners... soo bad.
  • Although I understand and completely support a couple's consensual decision to abstain from sex until marriage, the above letter does make me concerned for a few reasons. The question that really jumps out is why his girlfriend refuses to be physically intimate with him at all - including kissing.

    I strongly believe physical contact (not necessarily sexual) is vital to any love relationship; hugs, kisses, caresses, etc. These behaviors bond two people together in a way that words and conversations can not. Men in particular are infamous for equating physical contact with emotional intimacy and love. It is often what separates a great "friendship" from a romantic "relationship."

    I would recommend that Dan really talk to his girlfriend about why she doesn't want to touch/be touched. Was there abuse in her childhood? Is she not sexually attracted to him? Is it something silly and curable - like he has bad breath or she is inexperienced/shy? Finding out the why behind her behavior is crucial to understanding how much of a "problem" this really is. She could be using the "no sex before marriage" as a clever excuse for not dealing with other, deeper relational/sex issues.
  • Ryan
    Hi guys,
    This topic is very touchy in our house right now, I am 27 and I had a historectomy 4 wks ago so we are abstinent for medical reasons. My husband and I are having a really hard time, I don't think he really understands what I am going through. I am probably being selfish because I want nothing to do with him sexually, but he only wants sexual attention there is no holding or cuddling. He starts to touch me sexually and I get frustrated and then he just leaves. I know talking would help he just doesn't want to hear me, what should I do.
    Ryan
  • While I am all for abstinence if both people have agreed to it, in this case it sounds like his girlfriend has other issues that she needs to work out.

    If the marriage is a couple of months away then ok I can see waiting, however if the date is more than a couple of months away it sounds like this guy is getting played.

    Great discussion Dan and Jennifer
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