Comments on: Sexual Abstinence – Can You REALLY Have Intimacy Without Sex?

By: Jay

Jay — Mon, 03 Dec 2007 04:49:29 +0000

What I first noticed was they are already “on the way” to having sex when -tick- something came to her mind and she stopped.

Now that ‘something’ is the question. And most women will either not say anything about it and just say “it’s ok.. remember no sex until marriage” or will say “I remembered I have something to do”. But there is something deeper.

As Speak sexy said, there is something bothering your girlfriend. It could be a past history (a rape perhaps?) or religious (is her local preacher an ‘extremist’ claming that she will die tomorrow after having sex?)

Try to know that ‘something’. If she really doesn’t want to tell you that, it is either [1] she doesn’t trust you completely to tell you her deepest secrets; [2] she’s not ready and comfortable ‘yet’.

Personally, try to talk about it and be open, but do NOT, again do NOT force her to. Especially giving her a mandate. I know guys who give mandates just because they want to force something out of their partners… soo bad.

By: Speak Sexy

Speak Sexy — Fri, 31 Aug 2007 15:15:42 +0000

Although I understand and completely support a couple’s consensual decision to abstain from sex until marriage, the above letter does make me concerned for a few reasons. The question that really jumps out is why his girlfriend refuses to be physically intimate with him at all – including kissing.

I strongly believe physical contact (not necessarily sexual) is vital to any love relationship; hugs, kisses, caresses, etc. These behaviors bond two people together in a way that words and conversations can not. Men in particular are infamous for equating physical contact with emotional intimacy and love. It is often what separates a great “friendship” from a romantic “relationship.”

I would recommend that Dan really talk to his girlfriend about why she doesn’t want to touch/be touched. Was there abuse in her childhood? Is she not sexually attracted to him? Is it something silly and curable – like he has bad breath or she is inexperienced/shy? Finding out the why behind her behavior is crucial to understanding how much of a “problem” this really is. She could be using the “no sex before marriage” as a clever excuse for not dealing with other, deeper relational/sex issues.

By: Ryan

Ryan — Fri, 31 Aug 2007 13:57:43 +0000

Hi guys,
This topic is very touchy in our house right now, I am 27 and I had a historectomy 4 wks ago so we are abstinent for medical reasons. My husband and I are having a really hard time, I don’t think he really understands what I am going through. I am probably being selfish because I want nothing to do with him sexually, but he only wants sexual attention there is no holding or cuddling. He starts to touch me sexually and I get frustrated and then he just leaves. I know talking would help he just doesn’t want to hear me, what should I do.
Ryan

By: Wild Bill

Wild Bill — Fri, 31 Aug 2007 01:03:56 +0000

While I am all for abstinence if both people have agreed to it, in this case it sounds like his girlfriend has other issues that she needs to work out.

If the marriage is a couple of months away then ok I can see waiting, however if the date is more than a couple of months away it sounds like this guy is getting played.

Great discussion Dan and Jennifer

By: Intimacy Without Sex

Intimacy Without Sex — Thu, 30 Aug 2007 18:03:53 +0000

[...] Dan and Jennifer have a discussion going on that I believe is one worth jumping in on. I’ve got a close friend who works in our states largest STD clinic and have heard some of the horror stories about teens who believe that oral sex is not real sex. [...]