Sexual Anorexia

How many wives do this? I asked Maureen if she new of any other resources for information about  this form of addiction she calls “Sexual Anorexia” and she directed me to a book by Patrick Carnes.  I have not yet gotten a copy of the book but I do think it’s fascinating. 

A lot of unhappy husbands will probably relate to this scenario.  Maureen talked about the “offending” quality of this behavior.  I have to admit I never would have thought of myself as doing any “offending” by this behavior, but I was clearly damaging my relationship. 

The word offending does bring up legal or even criminal meaning, but one simple definition is “wrong”.  And it was indeed “wrong” of me to withhold sex in order to meet my own power and control needs. 

But don’t you offending men take heart at this either, because addictive relationships generally require two addicts.  The partners to the Sexual Anorexic are obviously the “Co-dependant” in the relationship and just as addicted in their own way.  One partner is generally a “Sex Addict” and the other is the “Sexual Anorexic”.  Both are just opposite ends of the spectrum from the other.  

The more classic “Sex Addict” is the one who gets a sense of power and control by engaging in some form of sexual activity.  Of course, the sex act itself is mood enhancing and can be a way to alter an unhappy mood.

Where Is The Real Problem?

Sex is not meant to be about power and control or even mood enhancing.  Sex is supposed to be intimate, passionate play with your partner. Any other covert use for it is “wrong” or “offensive”.  If passionate play is not how either of you experience your sexual relationship, then there is a problem. 

So What Do You Do If You Are Using Sex Addictively?

First of all you have to just recognize that you are using sex (or your sexual power as in Sexual Anorexia) in a way that is harmful to your relationship.  Once you recognize what you are doing you have to stop the offensive behavior and deal with the feelings that are buried underneath the behavior. 

This can be a simple but uncomfortable process, or it can be a complex and debilitating one.  If you begin the process of eliminating your sexual addictive behaviors and find yourself feeling overwhelmed. Don’t hesitate to call a professional because, like any addiction, if it is severe enough it can be life threatening. 

No joke, the feelings underneath the sexual addictions can be very intense and lead to severe withdrawal symptoms.  Take care of yourself as you open your eyes to how you may have been unwittingly causing harm to your relationship.  

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