A Secret Desire

Many people secretly crave the idea of going to (or hosting) a swingers party. They’re definitely out of the norm of what most people on the weekend, but can be a ton of fun. However, if you’re not already a part of a swingers community, then you could be waiting around for a very long time to get invited to one.

So rather than sitting around waiting for the phone to ring; why not throw one of these parties for yourself? They are not nearly as hard to pull off as you’d think. So this month, we are going to go over a few tips to get you started quickly.

Selecting The Right Venue

Most people think that their home is a suitable enough place to host a swingers party, but if you don’t have extra bedrooms, guests rooms or enough couches in your living room than you are going to run out of available space a lot sooner than you realize.

In this situation, you could always arrange for everyone to meet in a hotel suite. Since these can get a little expensive, it’s not uncommon to ask everyone to chip in a few dollars.

Stick To Your Guest List

This happens WAY more than you’d expect. You invite 10 people to your party and all of a sudden you have 200 strangers knocking on your door.

It’s best to enforce a very strict guest list, so that not only will you make sure you have a good ratio of men to women, but also ensure that everyone will be accommodated, and have a great time.

Get To Know Everyone Early

I think it’s safe to say that there are some real weirdo’s out there. And you probably don’t want some creep you’ve never met before coming to your party and scaring everyone away, do you?

So before you even think to invite someone, make sure to meet them first and get a real good idea of how they will act around a house full of naked people.

Don’t Forget The Snacks

Nothing works up an appetite like a few hours of intense exercise. So don’t forget to stock up n food and drinks for everyone.

There are also inevitably going to be a few nervous people walking around, so making sure you have enough drinks on hand is a total “must have.”

Don’t Forget The Condoms & Lube

This should go without saying, but when you have a house full of naked people grinding all over each other, playing safe should go without mention. But what kind of sex educator would I be if I didn’t tell you to watch out for everyone’s safety.

My favorite strategy is to have a big bowl full of condoms and lube in every single room of the house (or at least the ones you think people will be having sex in). This way, people are never more than a few feet away from a condom when they need one.

Hosting a swinger’s party takes a bit of prior planning and being organized, but it can be one of the most satisfying experiences of your life. So now that we’ve covered a few of the bases, it’s time to go out there and throw the best damn party ever!

Question: My husband and I are toying with the idea of having a FFM threesome, however I am more interested in meeting with another couple than with just another woman. But my husband can’t stand the idea of another man with me. I feel as though it isn’t a fair trade! How do I open my husband up to the idea of a foursome over a threesome? Or should we call the whole thing off?

–YouTube Viewer

Communicate With Your Partner About Where The Boundaries Are

If you and your lover have some differing opinions about what is okay and what isn’t okay during a threesome, it’s essential that you talk to them about it before you actually engage in any type of play. You want to hash out where the boundaries are beforehand, so neither of you are left uncomfortable or hurt by anything that goes on. So where do you draw those boundaries?

Start with flirting and work your way up. It may seem awkward to try to imagine and talk about all the possible scenarios that you could end up in during a swinging situation, but it’s important to talk about each one of them separately. For example, you may be comfortable with kissing, but your partner may not be because it’s too intimate. They may want to reserve kissing just for the two of you. Talk about flirting, kissing, touching, oral sex and anything else that crosses your mind. You want to know going in what is okay and what isn’t. Draw the line at what you’re both okay with – if one of you isn’t comfortable with something, don’t push the issue.

Talk To Your Partner About The Way You Feel

Most people wouldn’t see it as fair for your lover to get to indulge in his fantasies but for you to be unable to indulge in yours. However, just because it’s obviously not fair doesn’t mean that you should discredit your partner’s feelings about the situation. Talk to your lover about how they feel and why they are uncomfortable with a MMF threesome. Ask them why and listen to their questions and concerns openly. Don’t be critical of your lover and remember that it doesn’t need to turn into a fight.

On the same token, your partner needs to listen to your concerns as well. Explain to them why you feel it’s unfair and suggest some possible solutions to the issue. Once you understand his point of view and he understands yours, you can start to find a compromise that works well for both of you. Is there another fantasy of yours that you’re dying to try that could be substituted for the MMF threesome? Or does he have another fantasy that he wants to act out that doesn’t involve being hypocritical?

If They’re Not Into It, Let It Go

Remember that your partner’s concerns are just as valid as your own, even if they seem unfair. If the thought of you with another man really makes him uncomfortable, even if he’s in the room and it’s consensual, then it’s not something you want to continue to harp on. If you try to talk him into it, he may do it – but begrudgingly and you’re in for more than you bargained for there.

If you and your lover have trouble finding a common ground, think about the possibility that swinging just isn’t right for your relationship. And that doesn’t mean that it’s not right for your relationship ever, but simply that it’s not right for your relationship right now. If you can’t come to a consensus where both you and your partner are happy with the results, put the issue to bed and come back to it at a later time.

There are tons of different things you can do besides a threesome to add spice and variety to your sex life. Try experimenting with a little bondage or roleplay, or read about new ways to give your partner an orgasm. Don’t get stuck thinking a threesome is the only thing that is going to make your sex life as hot as it used to be!

What Kind Of Party Do You Want To Host?

Decide how many people you want to be there. Do you want it to be a large party or an intimate gathering? Do you want it to be just for couples or do you want to invite single people (men and/or women) as well? Most swingers prefer to go to parties that are mainly (if not totally) for couples and single women only. You will find a lot of single men will be interested but it does create a different atmosphere.

Decide On A Venue

Most people would think of their home, but it needn’t be the only place to host a party. If your place isn’t suitable or large enough, you could ask one of the other guests if they would be willing to host it. A hotel room is a good choice if the numbers aren’t going to be too great, but another alternative is a local swingers club. You could arrange for your group to all meet there.

Work Out The Guest List

Unless you already know a lot of swingers, by far the easiest way to find your guests is online. Set up a profile on a swingers website and list your event there. Then you can begin to contact other couples in your area who you think might be suitable.

Meet Everyone First

Insist on meeting everyone first. If your party is couples only you will be amazed how many single men will try to get an invitation by masquerading as a couple online. When they arrive at the party they will make an excuse for being alone such as “the wife is sick.” Insist you meet the couple first, or at least talk to them on the phone – both of them – to ensure they’re for real and who they say they are.

Charge An Entry Fee

A small charge, paid to you in advance, is a great way to ensure people actually show up, as well as helping towards your hosting costs. People know there is a cost involved in hosting a party so they won’t mind contributing.

Forget Party Snacks – Have Lube And Condoms Available

It is normal for the host to provide condoms and lube, although you can also ask people also to bring their own. You might want to ask people (discreetly) if they have an allergy to latex and ensure some latex-free condoms are available.

Remember To Have Fun!

Obviously this is the point of the party in the first place. However, to achieve this the most important thing to communicate to your guests is that no one is under any pressure to participate or do anything they are not totally comfortable with. Even if you have met the guests beforehand, there is no guarantee people will click in a way that makes them want to take things to a sexual level.

Hosting a swingers party does take a bit of effort and time to organize but the results can be well worth it. Even if it doesn’t turn into an all-out orgy you may still make some new friends. There are many more people wanting to attend a party than are willing to organize one so your efforts will be well appreciated.

3 Simple Steps To Introduce Your Lover To The Idea Of Swinging

The three steps described here have proven to be very powerful in getting reluctant spouses to be more open to the idea. You’ll see that it is nothing to do with tricking or coercing your spouse into trying it (that doesn’t work and using that approach will usually harm rather than help your relationship). It is really about creating a foundation and a ‘sexual environment’ in your relationship which can make polyamory a very natural outcome. The benefits of this approach are not only that you get to have some great fun swinging, but it strengthens the intimacy in your relationship as well.

Step 1: It’s About You Relationship

The first step is to realize that successful swinging is all about the two of YOU and your relationship. It is not to fill in any gaps in your sex life. In fact, it makes a great sex life even better; it does not make a bad sex life good. So if you are going to try to introduce your lover to polyamory, you should concentrate on improving the sex life between the two of you first.

Step 2: Focus On Your Significant Other

This leads us to the second step, which is to really focus on your significant other. Your goal here is to make them feel loved and adored, that they are the sexiest person in the world to you. You would never do anything to hurt them intentionally and they are certainly the best lover you could possibly ever imagine having. Some people find this difficult, especially if they have been in their relationship for some time. You may feel your attraction has waned for your lover.

You might think your sex life has become boring, which is why you want to add some variety with polyamory anyway. You need to turn this around. Try new things. Even do some of the things you used to do when you first got together. Anything becomes stale if no effort is put into it, and your sex life is just the same.

Step 3: Reinforce Your Attraction To Your Lover

The third step is simply to keep reinforcing you attraction for your lover and building the trust between you. The more trust you can create by making your significant other feel safe to be themselves and express themselves fully, the more they will know that your desire for more sexual adventure is not about ‘replacing’ them with someone else.

Many couples feel that getting involved with threesomes will cause problems in their relationship such as jealousy. However, if you follow the above steps you will find that these problems just don’t arise. However, it is very important to keep the relationship between you as the most important thing; you just happen to involve other people from time to time to experience things you can’t do with just the two of you.

If you would like to become a swinger and your lover isn’t interested start with the approach above. You might be pleasantly surprised at the results!

It Doesn’t Always Happen Right Away

Firstly, be aware it can be a lengthy process. You may end up chatting with a large number of couples before you find one you really click with. This is hardly surprising; it is difficult enough to find two people who are attracted to each other, but to find four who all share some chemistry can seem nigh-on impossible.

You will meet couples who may be interested in you but who for whatever reason you don’t feel particularly attracted to. Don’t be concerned about this – it really does go with the territory.

Also, do not despair or be in a rush to start having sex once you decide you and your partner would like to be swingers. Many people decide to play with the first people who come along and find that the experience is not really very pleasurable. In fact it can be a disaster.

Don’t Be Too Picky

At the other extreme don’t be picky to the point that you never let it happen. If you spend a bit of time with a couple (say having a drink or a meal) with no pressure or expectations on either side you may feel the attraction grow. If your initial impression isn’t totally negative than allow some time to get to know them a little better.

All this said, what is the best way to meet another couple for swinging? There are in fact three ways.

People You Know

The first way is to consider people you already know. You may think your friends would not be interested in swinging, but swinging is surprisingly widespread. Do not discount your friends! Think about who you already know who you find attractive.

Invite them for dinner and drop a few subtle hints. Lead the conversation in a sexual direction and see their reaction. Of course if you get a negative reaction you know to back off as you don’t want to destroy your friendship.

Online Dating Websites

The second way and probably the most widespread is to meet couples through an online swingers website. There are a number of good ones which have large numbers of couples (and singles) who are swingers and are looking to meet other likeminded people.

You can get a very good idea about them from the information they post online, including their interests and physical characteristics. Usually they will (or should) put up some photographs so you can get a better idea of their body shape and sizes.

To do this you should also put up your own details by creating a profile. This will allow other couples to contact you if they are interested. The first step will be to have some brief message exchange to see if there is some connection.

If it all looks promising, you should meet as soon as possible. This should only be for the purposes of checking each other out. Unless you are not fussy at all you will find this an essential step as despite all the online conversation in the world you will not know if you all click until you meet each other.

A Swingers’ Party

The third way you can meet other swingers is to go to a swingers party. Getting invited to these can be quite tricky. However, swingers websites often list parties. Choose one in your area and put your name down as being interested. If you go to a swingers party remember the golden rule amongst all swingers is “no means no.”

You will not be pressured into doing anything you don’t want to, and no one will mind if you decline an invitation to play. Swingers parties are a very good way to meet a number of couples all at once to see if you feel a special connection with any of them.

Meeting another couple to swing with can be a bit tricky. However it is worth the effort because when you find the right couple you will definitely have a lot of fun.

What If Your Lover Doesn’t Like The Idea?

However, while there are thousands of happy swinging couples worldwide, there are also many people in a relationship who would like to try swinging but who have a lover who is not keen. Their attitude may be from simply not being interested to being totally negative about the idea.

If you have a wife or husband in this category, don’t despair. Your dream of being swingers need not die. Just realize that the approach you have been taking so far has not worked – so it’s time to take a new approach.

Don’t Get Angry With Your Lover

The first thing you must do is not get angry or upset with your wife or husband’s reaction if you bring up the idea of being swingers. Trying to plead with them or in any way coerce them into trying it will not only get no positive result, it could even harm your relationship.

Even if you do get them to agree to try it this way, it will probably not be a pleasant experience for you both; you certainly won’t be able to relax and enjoy it. Try not to get resentful. Instead, realize that you want to try swinger sex so that it will be fun for both of you. ‘

If you have the best of intentions than it is simply a matter of finding the right approach, the approach that works without damaging your relationship. After all your relationship is (or should be) the most important thing.

Introducing The Topic In The Right Way

When you introduce the idea of swinging, remember that your wife or husband will have beliefs about what swinging means and why you would want to try it. Does it mean you don’t find them attractive enough?Are you bored with your sex life?

These thoughts may be going through their head. In fact, they may even fear that by becoming swingers you will find someone else more attractive than them and leave them!

Removing Their Fears About It

So your whole focus in introducing swinging to your wife or husband is to remove their fears. You do this by letting them know that you love and adore them more than anyone else, and that your reason for wanting to try swinging is to enhance the sex life you already have with them.

You need to let them know that swinging is not about replacing any gaps in your relationship. It is all about adding some spice and sharing the experience together. You could even let them know that because you find them so attractive and sexy, seeing them turning someone else on would be highly arousing for them.

Also make sure that you make your wife or husband feel safe in your sexual relationship. Build up their trust in you. Let them now that you would never hurt them or allow them to be hurt in a swinging situation.

If you approach the idea of swinging with your lover in this way you not only have a much greater chance of taking part in the swinger lifestyle, but of you both enjoying it as well.

Scoring An Invite

An invitation to a swinging get together or sex party isn’t something you’re going to get in the mail. Since most of these groups meet secretly, they’re considered “underground” and usually invites are given simply by word of mouth. Therefore, to get into a sex party – especially a top notch, elite one – you’re going to have to be connected. Invites to the sex party are given by the hosts to certain people, and they in turn invite people that they think would be a good addition. However, not everyone that hears about the get together are able to invite people. Since it only takes one jackass to ruin a great sex party, invitations are issued discerningly. Score your invite by getting out there and befriending people that are likely to be into that scene.

Condoms Are A Must

At a sex party, condoms are an absolute must. Of course if you and your partner are “watching only” and simply participating in sex with each other, that’s a different story. However, if you plan to be having sex with anyone else at the shindig, bring your own protection. A good host will have a “grab bag” of latex and polyurethane goodies that can be passed around, but depending on the type of get together you’re going to, they may not. It’s better to be safe than sorry, so slip a few condoms in your purse before you leave. Don’t expect to have sex with anyone else there without the proper protection.

Alcohol Is At The Discretion Of The Host

Depending on the type of sex party you’re going to and the preferences of the host, there may or may not be alcohol available. Hosts that have been jaded in the past by a drunk that ruined the shindig (because it only takes one) will most likely keep it alcohol free. Some hosts will provide alcohol for a steeper cover charge, or they will allow guests to bring their own and have a bartender there to serve it. Make sure you’re fully aware of the alcohol policy before you go, lest you bring a bottle of wine to an alcohol free party or end up alcohol-less when everyone else has something to ease their jitters.

Everything Must Be Consensual

Remember the golden rule about sex – anything that goes on between consenting adults is all in good fun as long as no one gets hurt. While there may be some questionably painful BDSM going on at your chosen shindig, it is usually okay as long as everyone involved in the activity consents to what is going on. If you’re not into something in particular, like anal sex, make sure you gravitate more towards others who are taking part in activities that you are more comfortable with. Don’t judge, because nobody at a sex party wants someone around who will look down on them for what they’re doing. On the same token, remember that anything you want to do with someone else must be agreed upon beforehand – even if it’s something as simple as giving them a slap on the rear.

Single Guys Are Usually Not Allowed

Many sex parties and sex clubs require that men come accompanied by women and single guys looking to hook up just aren’t welcome. Single guys who want to get into the sex party scene can come with a friend of theirs that is a girl, as long as they appear to be a couple and are comfortable with having sex with each other and other people. Guys, of course, must be on their best behavior and any guy that is being lewd or rude is going to get the boot – and his girl will end up outside with him. Single women, however, are almost always welcomed at these kinds of get togethers, because many couples are looking for a single woman to join the fun. Just remember that the cardinal rule of all sex parties is this: be safe, polite and have fun.

Question: (paraphrased from German-English…)

Hope we get the points correctly… I’ve been with my girlfriend for 1 ½ years and we’ve always been into fetishes and stuff. We’ve been going to a fetish club for a while and it’s really nice and the people are great. We thought about getting with another girl or a couple but the last time we tried to be a bit voyeuristic, a ‘guy’ tried to get with us. Since then I’m not sure what to think. I’m still interested in another girl or couple – but not sure about the guy thing?

–YouTube Viewer

Communication Is Key

Communicating with your partner about having a threesome or a foursome is absolutely essential before you – and whoever else you’re planning on having sex with – step foot in the bedroom. Sit down and talk with your partner about how you feel about having a threesome or swinging and encourage them to open up about how they feel about it too. Keeping feelings and thoughts about having an open marriage is often what ends up causing trouble down the road after things have already gotten started and you can’t really go back. If you’re uncomfortable with something, or don’t want certain things to happen during the threesome, make your concerns known and talk about them with your partner. Talk about feelings of jealousy or trust issues and make sure you and your partner are both on the same page when it comes to having a threesome.

Define What You’re Uncomfortable With

When talking with your partner about what is ok and what is not ok during the threesome, don’t be afraid to define exactly what you’re comfortable with or uncomfortable with. Is kissing others on the mouth ok, or would you prefer to only kiss your partner on the mouth? Is oral sex or anal sex ok, or are those things you’d like to steer clear of? This is where you want to speak up if having another man in the equation is not something you’re comfortable with. If you’d prefer a MFF threesome instead of a MFM – or you’re totally against having a MFM threesome – let your partner know. Define exactly what you’re uncomfortable with (as well as what is ok) so there are absolutely no questions later.

Nobody Takes One For The Team

In a threesome situation, there is no such thing as “taking one for the team.” It is not ok to pressure someone to try to like something or be okay with something just so you can enjoy yourself and the same goes for if you’re uncomfortable with something – you don’t have to “try” to like something or pretend you’re ok with something during a threesome so your partner and whoever else is involved can have fun. If you’re not into anal sex, don’t let someone pressure you into “just trying it out” to see how you like it. Make it clear that it’s something that is not ok, before heading to the bedroom. Hopefully, you’ve had a chance to not only talk to your partner about what you aren’t ok with, but also with the other person or couple who will be joining you. If you’ve done this already, chances are, things you’re not ok with (and things other people aren’t ok with) won’t even come up during the situation. On occasion, couples will go to sex clubs and end up meeting someone that they want to take home with them that night, and there’s not really time to discuss the ins and outs of what you want to happen during the threesome. If this is the case, don’t be afraid to speak up during sex and say, “This is not something I’m comfortable with, can we try something else?” Your partner should have your back, especially if you’ve already talked with them about the threesome.

Let’s all just take a moment and think of how nice instant swinger delivery would be. Now that we’re back from the land of make believe, we’ll get down to brass tacks. Moving from the fantasy of bringing another person our people into your bed to the actual doing it can be a difficult transition, but you’ve made it past the first great hurdle, so there’s a good chance that playing the rest of this game well will be a ticket to open-relationship for you. The next steps beyond talking about it are communication, deciding what you want, finding the special people, diving in.

Communication is Key

No, I didn’t just cut and paste a paragraph from my last article. If you thought that you’ve had your communication and can now settle into your new life of leisure as a swinger, you’re sorely mistaken. In any relationship, be it business, romantic, or sexual, communication is the lubrication that keeps it going. And you all know how much we swingers like lubrication! When most people decide to open up their relationship, it’s tempting to believe that jealousy is the only emotion to look out for, because it’s the cornerstone of any open relationship problems, right? Well, yes, jealousy has a lot to do with the vast majority of the lifestyle problems, but I’d caution you that sometimes jealousy comes disguised as other things.

Sometimes you’ll be scooting along down the non-monogamy super-highway and suddenly you’ll get this odd feeling. Maybe you don’t quite know what it is, a twinge of what could feel like jealousy, or guilt, or envy, or even outright shock. And these little twinges often don’t even add up to full on feelings. The reason for this is that we KNOW which feeling buttons to press in a monogamous relationship when your partner kisses, fondles and sucks someone else. It’s ingrained into our subconscious. How so? We’ve seen it EVERYWHERE, in movies, magazines, novels, television, news reports. When you see how Tiger’s wife reacted to his cheating, you say “Aha, that’s how one reacts!”

So this opening up to new experiences may trigger wholly unidentifiable new versions of emotions. We truly are off the edge of the map here, and navigating this trip is a bit more sketchy and unfounded. So why all this talk about micromotions, and things we don’t understand. Because it’s VERY IMPORTANT that you not dismiss these feelings. As you experience opening your relationship up, make sure you talk about all these little emotional fluctuations. It’ll keep you sane, likely confirm that your partner is feeling them as well, and will let you identify and process the emotions before they can turn into festering cancers that become capital J Jealousy.

Communicate today, communicate tomorrow, communicate forever. Excessively. Be annoying about it at the beginning, so you can make it over the first great hump into swinging and non-monogamy, altering your world view.

Threesomes, Foursomes, & Moresomes

So, if you haven’t been scared off by my excessive insistence on excessive communication that I talked about excessively up there, well then you’re ready to have some non-monogamous fun. You’ll probably even have some idea of the KIND of non-monogamous fun you’re looking for, but it’s worth addressing. There are a lot of people who find the word swingers rather scary, to them it conjures men with gold medallions nestled in curly chest hair, the wife swappers and key partiers from the seventies. Don’t worry, though, even if you have sex with other couples, you don’t have to call yourselves swingers. I won’t make you. And you won’t be branded with a large red S on your chest. Which I suppose would be more Superman than Hester Prynn, but I digress.

So, really it’s a numbers game, are you looking to invite one other person into your bedroom, or two. (Though, I suppose you could just take a deep breath and go the full orgy, but that’s really an advanced level game I’d recommend you play AFTER your first, um, fivesome at least.) If it’s a threesome you’re after, which kind? Do you want to invite another man or another woman to come play with you? Often this decision is determined by the sexuality flexibility of one of the two partners. If the female is bi curious, then it makes a good deal of sense to bring in another female, if the male is bi curious, then another male. (Of course you could both be straight and still have a slammin’ time with another male or another female – see how lovely and flexible non-monogamy can be?)

When you decide to make it a swinging (there’s that word again…I’m taking it back) sort of evening and bring another couple in, well there’s a whole HOST of decisions and discussions that have to be made that are a bit outside the scope of this article. Suffice to say, with another couple, you’re looking at a four way connection, which can be a bit harder to obtain.

We Want YOU!

Once you’ve decided WHAT you want, it’s time to start thinking about WHO you want. Because non-monogamy isn’t something you can just start doing immediately; presumably you are two people sitting there reading this, so even as kinky as you get with each other right now, you’re still being monogamous. It’s time to invite new people into your relationship.

One of the easiest ways to bring someone else into your relationship is by using one of the lifestyle/swinger/open relationship websites. I know, I know, you’re saying you just want to have a little fun and see what happens, signing up for an online dating site, why that would make you swingers. Sure, it lacks the spontaneity of a drunken evening with your single friend that manages to turn into a night of debauchery and hedonism that would make Caligula blush, but this is a way to find people who are familiar with the ropes, and it’s always good to have someone who’s been through what you’re going through.

Other alternatives involve the extremely difficult Vanilla Pick-Up. This move is achieved by going to a bar and bringing home one or two vanilla sex people (ie, non lifestyle). If picking up people at the bar was difficult for you in single life, multiply that by a very large number, because that’s how hard the Vanilla Pick-Up is. That said, it’s not impossible, but you ought to brace yourself for the potential for jealousy and the D word (Drama. Swingers try so hard to avoid it that we don’t even like saying it).

The upside is, with a Vanilla Pick-Up, it’s much easier to have this person out of your lives if you need that to happen. Unlike, say, the Friend Play. Here’s where you set your sights on a friend or friends and drop hints that you might want to get with them. And sometimes hints don’t work, because they’re not in that headspace.

I have found, rather unsurprisingly, that honesty is the best policy here. The statement: “My wife and I think you’re interesting and would be interested in having some fun with you sometime. We don’t want to pressure you in any way, but wanted to put that out there in case you might be interested” has actually netted Marilyn and I some fun times in the past. Be prepared for “What!? No way!” and the slamming of doors. Just in case.

Can’t Get Wetter Than Wet

At a certain point, the prep work will be done. Your communication is firing on all cylinders, you’ve got your scopes set on someone who returns the interest, you’re confident that you know what you’re looking for from this encounter and all involved share the same expectations.

So, now you ought to do it.

Seems like a no brainer, doesn’t it? But it’s tempting to hemm and haw a bit once the reality of this threesome or foursome settles in. To say “I’m not really feeling great this weekend, maybe next weekend.” Or find other ways of postponing or changing or delaying jumping in. While those opposed to non-monogamy would call this your conscious trying to keep you from doing something terrible, I’d remind you what Pinnochio did to that annoying cricket in Collodi’s original novel – he smashed the bastard with a hammer.

Communication again becomes key here, sit down with your partner, one on one, and decide that nothing that happens in this first experimentation will change your relationship. That nothing will be held against the other person, that this will not destroy you, and any concerns you have will be talked about at length, EVEN if you have to stop your playtime to have the discussion. (Something you should not be afraid to do.)

I urge to take a deep breath, close your eyes, and jump in. Because just like everything else in life, if you don’t like it, you don’t have to do it again, but you’ll really never know until you try. And some of life’s best moments are the ones you’re nervous about.

So, with the stars aligned, you can begin your adventure and experimentation with non-monogamy. You may find it’s not for you, and if this is the case, you can chalk it up to something you tried and didn’t like. But it’s also possible you’ll find that non-monogamy opens up a whole new world for you and your partner, and a world that most swingers would argue has brought them closer than they ever thought possible.

What She Said:

Pros: lots of sex! Cons: lots of sex – with possible consequences. That’s the short story. To really pull this off, we’ll have to dig a little deeper.

Marriage is based on mutual respect and trust – how you want those to play out is strictly between you and your partner. Some couples can easily swim through the (sometimes murky) waters of an open marriage – others fair better agreeing on monogamy. To negotiate an open arrangement takes a lot of trust, communication, agreement and common ground. The plus side to an open marriage is that fact that there’s technically no infidelity. The minus is the possible jealousy and what that could do to your relationship long-term.

Frankly I’ve seen this attempted (though I haven’t tried it myself, so I have no firsthand knowledge), but I have yet to see it succeed. Though the open marriage story I’m familiar with started off successfully, it eventually dissolved into mistrust and ultimately divorce. Of course, that’s a cautionary tale and I’m sure there are people who can make it work.

I personally chose to get married because I want to grow with my husband. I’m excited about the path to intimacy and an ever-deepening commitment. We’re only human and, in an ideal world, it would surely be a blast to sleep with anyone and everyone who caught our fancy. However, in our situation, having sex outside our marriage would damage what we value most – the trust, safety and intimacy of our sexual and emotional bond. For couples that have been married longer, it might be feasible to sleep around and still maintain a commitment. Some find that keeping the sexual tension high is the key to keeping things interesting at home.

Ultimately it must be a mutual decision between the two of you as to whether you are going to remain monogamous or agree to “branch out.” Seriously mull over the consequences if you’re considering opening your marriage – and, if you reach a consensus, be safe and have fun!

What He Said:

Pros: Honesty. You’ll never have to worry about lying about your desires to be with other people or the fact that you have. You’ll never have to worry about infidelity, because you’ve already agreed to bang other people. As one wife I know says “It’s not cheating if we’re both doing her.” That’s a good woman, people.

Cons: Higher risk of STD’s, and the chance that a condom may break and you could unknowingly wind up carrying someone else’s baby instead of your man’s. I know many couples that have tried open relationships. And it’s always the man that brings it up. And always the woman who’s militantly opposed to it. As most women would be, until you discover that open relationships tend to favor women more than men. For example, it’s way easier for a married woman to walk into a bar, wearing her wedding ring and say “hey, I’m married. Let’s go screw.” Hell, she could probably walk into Starbucks at 8 AM on a Tuesday and find someone to bang.

For men, it’s more work. I know plenty of men who thought this open relationship was a great idea until he found his woman getting more ass than he was, and when he got pissed she threw the “this was your idea” line back in his face. Men are territorial and competitive and this may come into play.

Can swinging or having an open relationship strengthen your relationship? Yes, but most relationship aren’t strong enough to handle adding this dimension to them, and you won’t know if yours is strong enough until after you’ve tried it, and then it might be too late. So I don’t know if I would recommend allowing your partner to go off and do other people, now if you want to bring someone home for the two of you to share, that’s totally different. Sharing is caring, after all.

Those of us who are actually swingers, and have experienced the fun and excitement of threesomes, foursomes, and moresomes are treated as though we may have found the Holy Grail, and are inundated with variants on the above. What follows will be an attempt to give you a “get the ball rolling” sort of path to jump on. A lot here depends on you, and your partner, and you should be ever so cautious here at the beginning, ‘cuz it can easily feel as though you’ve wandered off the map, and thar be monstars in the unknown. Haven’t scared you off, have I?

No? Good. ‘Cuz you want to know a secret? Threesomes and swinging are really awesome.

Communicating With Your Partner About A Threesome

I feel they’re just about the most fun you can have without breaking anything but obscure old blue laws. Before we get to the “getting your partner to do” anything, we need to talk about fundamentally the most important part of this process. Communication. Period. If fantasy isn’t something you’re able to talk to your partner about, you probably need to hold off on the graduate level sexuality and focus on some remedial stuff first. Because the place you want to start with the threesome/swinger talk is with fantasy. Why? Well, if you’ve got a good solid relationship that can share fantasies and new ideas, you’ll probably be able to have the all important “sharing is caring” conversation. You also ought to be somewhat experimental in order to pull this one off. And not just you, the BOTH of you. If it’s missionary with the lights off every night, this might not be the time. (Not that there’s anything wrong with missionary with the lights off, in fact, missionary is one of my favorite positions. I love being able to look my lovers in the eyes.) So, if you feel you have good communication, and you may be more advanced than vanilla folk (you know, maybe vanilla bean, or vanilla with sprinkles) then it’s time to start playing with the fantasy.

Getting The Ball Rolling

Start non-specific, when my wife and I began the discussion, it was as simple as hot sexy talk, during the act, which of our friends would you bave sex with, who do you find hot, what’s your type, etc. These things are rarely discussed in a marriage, or a long term relationship, especially the “what’s your type” conversation, because married people like to assume they’re their partner’s type. (Not always the case, exceptions are often made for the spousal type.) Work this into your sex play, your discussions. Notice reactions when you do so. If your wife blanches at the idea of having another imaginary woman in bed, it’s doubtful she’d be up for having a flesh and blood real live girl lying next to her as well. It’s also important not to take fantasy acceptance as a green light. Really, it’s best to look at these stages as red and yellow lights. When you encounter a red light, you need to step back a bit, and run at it again. If you continually encounter red lights, and swinging or threesomes is extremely important to you, well, you have to decide if it’s a deal breaker or not. Now, if you’re getting yellow lights the whole way down, you’re likely to be sitting pretty before long.

Once the fantasy is out there, it’s likely to come up again. After a particularly hot lovemaking session where you’ve brought your best friend imaginarily into the bedroom to play the old fingercuffs game with your wife, there’s a good chance she’ll come up to you later, (sometimes as soon as in the shower immediately afterwards) and ask “wow, that was hot, where the hell did that come from?” A lot can be judged in the tone of this question. And tone can be the difference between yellow light and red light. If your partner doesn’t ask about it, or bring it up at all, or try to insert it into your NEXT lovemaking session, you shouldn’t read that as stop, just that they may be shy, or conflicted about their feelings on it. In any case, this is where that communication thing comes into play.

Why Communication Is So Important

Remember how EVERYBODY EVER has said that communication is the secret to a good relationship. Well, it’s also the secret to getting anywhere with the swinging conversation. If you can’t ask for something, you can’t do it. If your spouse doesn’t bring up that unique new fantasy or roleplay you guys did, well the onus is on you to do so. So suck it up and talk about it. It’s in this conversation where you need to have “the talk.”

Not the “when a man and a woman love each other very much” talk. The “it would be possible for me to be sexually attracted to another person” talk. And this is often the hardest conversation for people to have these days. Our entire society seems to scream that your relationship is bad if you have any attraction or wanderlust toward anyone other than your spouse for your entire life. (Well, except for all the cheaters, and divorcees, and…well, everybody who just won’t admit it.) So, take your deep breath and jump into the cold water. If you’re gonna be asking the question “do you ever think about being with another person?” know that your partner may think it’s a trap, so be ready with your “cuz I do sometimes, but I think it’d be super hot to do it with you.” (Don’t feel the need to use phrases like that which sound like they come straight from the pages of Dynamite Magazine for teens.)

This is the money point here. Especially with a threesome, it’s REALLY easy for it to appear that you’re just a guy who wants to have sex with two girls. Sorry for the crudity there, but it’s the truth. It’s why I never asked for a threesome. Because I failed to see what might be in it for her. This was before I knew that my wife harbored secret bisexual fantasies (see, lack of communication!) so I wasn’t able to suggest how hot it’d be for me to see her with another girl without risking triggering her defense mechanisms.

What To Talk About And When To Talk About It

In a healthy sexual relationship, we all have the desire to fulfill our partners fantasies, or to at least take them as close to the edge as we’re willing to go. So when your partner comes to you and says “darling, I’d love to see you fuck another person, it’d make me sooo hot!” well you at least consider whether or not you might be able to make that fantasy come true. The key point here is that threesomes and swinging shouldn’t be a “let’s try something new this weekend for my birthday, for our anniversary, for Arbor Day” conversation. It should be an ongoing discussion, with at least a few days between start and finish, but preferably, a couple weeks to allow the idea to really sink in. Especially with all the tertiary issues that can crop up, chief among them being jealousy, but also STI and pregnancy risk, the lunacy that can come from adding another person to a relationship, and so many more things that can broadside you because you hadn’t even considered them.

Now, if you’ve had these conversations and fantasies, and talked about what you’re interested in, well then, that sounds like a green light and permission to launch. Next stop, open relationship town. But that’s a whole other discussion, and that’s for next time.

Broaching The Subject

If you think your partner might be open to swinging, just be honest. Tell him or her that you might want to talk about doing it someday. Feel out the reaction. You don’t have to make a decision right away, and it may take several conversations before you decide if you want to proceed.

Getting Started

Talk it out, talk a little more…and then talk again. Talk about why you trust each other and how a situation like this could damage that trust. Talk about your concerns and expectations. Lay down ground rules to get past first time swinger fears. It cannot be stressed enough that communication is key. Choose if you’re looking for a swap or individual situation. If you’re going to meet someone one-on-one, decide if you will tell each other the dirty details afterward. Establish what kind of check-ins you’re going to have (checking in before and after a meeting makes your partner feel respected and lets them know you’re okay). Decide which acts you’re allowed to perform with others.

Seeking Partners

There are plenty of places on the internet to find people for sex. Your local CraigsList.com is free, but there are a lot of scams and prostitutes to sift through. Sites like AdultFriendFinder.com have a small fee, but eliminate the shady people who just want your money. This can be fun but tedious. Together, you can browse through the myriad of people. Discuss the type of (as well as what turns you on or off about) the people you’re interested in meeting. If you find someone you’re interested in, send a message. Ask about their habits and hobbies and why they’re in an open relationship (or looking for a couple). Tell them about your own expectations and agreements.

Getting Down To Business

Many people choose to meet in a public place for a first meeting. A hotel bar is usually a good location, since you can get a room if the meeting leads to sex. Now, this goes without saying, but I’m going to say it anyway: Protect yourself and practice safe sex. Use condoms, dental dams, a safe word, and make sure someone knows where you are. Tell your significant other about your plans; if you’re going out together, leave a note at home or inform a (very open-minded) friend.

In The Afterglow

Time for more communication! Talk about the things that you felt good or uncomfortable about, as well as whether you want to continue pursuing a swinger relationship. Finally, remind your partner of how important they are to you and of just how much you love them.

Meet The Third Person

Don’t have a threesome with a stranger. Go on a date with your partner and the third person and get to know them a little bit. Go out for a pizza and beer, or a few drinks at a bar or club. Have fun with them, before there’s any pressure of sex involved. Make sure you and your partner are both comfortable with the third person before you actually get in the bedroom and do the deed. Getting to know who you’re going to have a threesome with will help ease everyone’s mind before getting it on.

Speak Up If It’s Not A Good Fit

If you’re having a threesome dilemma and aren’t totally comfortable with the person you and your partner are considering having a threesome with, speak up. It’s not fair if one person isn’t into another, whether it’s you, your partner or the third person. In a threesome, everyone has to click with one another and be into it. Stepping up and saying that you’re just not feeling this particular person isn’t as bad as it sounds. Just be polite and honest when making your feelings known.

Talk About The Rules Ahead Of Time

One of the best ways to make sure you have a swinging disaster is to avoid talking about what you’re okay with and what you’re not okay with before heading to the bedroom. If there’s something that is off limits to you or your partner, let your third person know and encourage them to speak up about anything that makes them uncomfortable as well. Make sure kissing, hugging, fondling, intercourse, oral sex and anal sex are all covered before hopping in bed. The last thing you want during your first threesome is to find out you’re not comfortable with something after it happens.

Take Your Time

Your first threesome isn’t a race to the finish line. Take your time to enjoy it, and if you only end up going to second or third base in your first threesome or foursome, it doesn’t mean you weren’t successful. Feel free to go as slow as you need to. If you’re only ready to make out or do some heavy petting at first, stick to just that until you’re ready for more. Your first threesome is special, but it’s not a once in a lifetime shot. If you enjoy swinging, it’s something you can do at your own pace.

Talk About It Afterwards

Communicate with your partner – and your third person – after the threesome. Talk about what you liked and what you want to try next time, without being critical or judgemental. If it worked out, let your third person know how much fun you and your partner had. If it didn’t, make sure you thank you third person for giving it a go with you. Things get very weird between people when you don’t talk about swinging, because everyone’s thinking something different and worrying that everyone else is on a different page than them.

Take just a minute to check out Adult Friend Finder to meet singles and couples looking for sex near you. Read our review to find out why Adult Friend Finder is the first choice to find someone for sex tonight.

Question: If my boyfriend and I have decided to participate in a threesome, who should it be with? Should it be a close friend who is comfortable with the idea, or should it be a stranger, but a clean stranger of course?

–YouTube Viewer

Not With A Close Friend

While you may be tempted to try having a threesome with a close friend who you know is comfortable with a threesome because you know them well and trust them. But having a threesome with a friend who you’ve known for a long time can potentially destroy a valuable friendship. Especially since you and your partner are new at this, you’re going to have enough on your plate without having to worry about whether your friend too. Your first threesome should be a fun new experience for you and your partner, and bringing a close friend into the mix can easily cause jealousy and frustration.

Not With A Perfect Stranger

Having a threesome with a perfect stranger may seem the way to go if you’re worried about jealousy issues, but remember – you’ll know absolutely nothing about this person. You won’t know if they’re at all compatible with you or your partner, and getting naked with a perfect stranger can be intimidating and downright weird. It can be especially uncomfortable if all three of you are inexperienced at having a threesome! And it can be downright unsafe… Just like sex between 2 people, get to know the person you’re with.

Adult Dating

If not with a friend or a total stranger, than who should your first threesome be with? Fortunately, there are a number of adult dating resources with people just like you who are looking for adult fun without any strings attached.

Adult dating websites allow you to get to know someone through email and chat, so you can determine if they’re a good match for you and your partner or not. Choose someone with a little experience with threesomes or foursomes, and make sure they’re comfortable with first timers. Make sure you lay the ground rules out first, and be sure to speak up if there’s something in particular you aren’t comfortable with before you meet them.

If online adult dating isn’t your thing, try visiting a swinger club in a larger city. Swinger clubs are great for getting your feet wet, because many people just like to watch or have sex with their own partners in a swinger environment. However you choose your first time threesome partner, make sure both you and your partner are comfortable with them and you’ve discussed your preferences up front. It will help you avoid disaster later!

And we can’t say this enough: get to know the people you’re having sex with, both for safety and for just general compatibility.

Take just a minute to check out Adult Friend Finder to meet singles and couples looking for sex near you. Read our review to find out why Adult Friend Finder is the first choice to find someone for sex tonight.

I just celebrated my 2nd anniversary with my girl and I was thinking of asking her to go to a swing club - what should I do?

–YouTube Viewer

Evaluate Your Intentions

First of all, if you’re thinking about taking your partner to a swinging club, think about why you want to take her to a swinging club. Is this something she is interested in, or something you want her to be interested in? Is this something you want and just want her to go along with? Or have you and your partner talked about swinging in the past and both you and your partner showed interest in swinging? The reason you need to look carefully at why you want to swing is because swinging isn’t for everyone. In fact, only the strongest and most trusting relationships can survive swinging. You and your partner both must be completely non-jealous and confident in each other to be able to swing successfully.

Ask Yourself Questions

Sit down and ask yourself a few questions to better guage your partner’s possible response to being asked to a swinger’s club. Does your partner get jealous easily? Is she very possessive of you? If so, swinging may not be her style. Does she show interest in the same sex, or in threesomes or foursomes? Has she talked about swinging or having an open relationship in the past? If this is the case, you might want to talk to her about it. It’s important to think about how your partner will react to being asked to swing before you ask them. If you jump in without thinking ahead, you may offend your partner to the point of damaging the relationship. Sure, it may not be a big deal to you but swinging is that big of an issue to some women. Even suggesting it if she is not open minded may make her feel as though you don’t like her sexually or that you are interested in other women, both of which are not good things for a woman to think.

How To Approach It

Do not – and we repeat – DO NOT ask your girl to go to a swinger club if you haven’t talked about swinging or threesomes first. If swinging is something you would like to try or you think your partner might be interested in, approach the subject slowly. Watch some threesomes with your partner and ask her what she thinks of them. Take it slowly, but communicate with your partner about what she likes and where her interests are. If she respons well, suggest that she might enjoy going to a swinger club. Make it seem like her idea. If she is not open to the idea of swinging, definitely don’t push it. Leave it alone and learn to enjoy sex with your partner in a variety of different ways. Forcing the swinging issue with an unwilling partner isn’t worth it if you value the relationship at all.

It’s most men’s biggest fantasy – 2 girls at once! But how do you make your threesome fantasy a reality? First, you have to get your partner on board. Here are some tips to help your wife or girlfriend be OK with and even want a threesome as much as you do!

Make It Her Fantasy

You will never get anywhere with your partner if a threesome is your idea. She may begrudgingly agree to this to make you happy, but it will do nothing but turn this fantasy into emotional warfare between you and your partner. It may even end your relationship. So the most crucial thing you can do before you have a threesome is to make sure the threesome is something that she wants. How can you do that?

• Watch adult films with her – and we don’t mean “porn.” Most porn is not something that is going to turn a woman on, at all. It can even be derogatory and turn her off of having a threesome altogether. Find a film that is more sensual and erotic, especially one that paints a threesome in a nice light and emphasizes how pleasurable having a threesome can be for the women involved. You can also try erotic literature. Many women respond better to erotic literature than they do visuals because they enjoy using their imaginations more than having simple visual stimulation.
• Roleplay. Talk about having a threesome with your partner, and have a threesome roleplay session with a toy. Use your imagination to kind of bring the threesome idea into the bedroom, and playing pretend can sometimes be just as fun as the actual threesome itself!

The First Time Is About Her

When you finally do have the opportunity to have a threesome with your partner, don’t focus so much on yourself the first time. You may be super excited to finally be acting out your ultimate fantasy, but this often leaves the partner feeling like the “third wheel” which can be absolutely detrimental to your relationship! Make absolutely sure that the first time is all about her and she feels like the threesome is you and another girl pleasuring her and not you getting pleasured by another girl while she watches. Make her the star of the show this time and you’ll most likely have another chance to enjoy yourself in a threesome. If she feels like a third wheel, or feels like you are paying too much attention to the other girl the first time, you can bet your bottom dollar that you’ll never be having a threesome with her ever again.

Make Sure Your Partner Knows You Want Her

After a threesome, communicate with your partner how much you love her and cherish her. Make sure she feels that you are attracted to her and value her above all others. Ask her how she felt about the threesome and ask her if there’s anything she would have done differently or would like to try in the future. Give her a say in it and make her feel loved and you have a much better chance of a repeat threesome.

Britney Spears “3″ – Are Threesomes “In?” (Video)

I’m Attracted To Girls – How Can I Share A Threesome With My Husband? (Video)

How To Find Your Swinging Comfort Zone (Video)

Swinger Danger! What To Do When Swinging Goes Wrong? (Video)

The Psychology Of Swinging – What’s A Curious Girl To Do? (Video)

He Feels A Threesome Will Solve Our Sex Issues – I Disagree (Video)

The Swinger Lifestyle and Open Relationships – Is it Really CHEATING?

Britney Spears “3″ is one of the most popular songs out there right now, but how many of you have stopped to actually listen to the words? Britney claims that threesomes are the new “in.” Well, that’s what we’re talking about today on the show. Are threesomes the new “in” or a disaster for your relationship?

Why Are Threesomes So Popular

Guys are visual. We all know that. One naked girl = one erection. So what about two naked girls? More erections? Double the pleasure? What about if the two girls start getting sexual with each other while the man watches? Or better yet, what if the two girls start getting sexual with each other and with the above mentioned man? Guys tend to like “bigger” and “better” things, and there’s really nothing “bigger” or “better” when it comes to sex than threesomes or foursomes. Not only do you have twice – or three times – the visual stimulation, you also have several different physical sensations going on at once. When you take all emotion whatsoever out of it and think about it like a guy does – that is, looking at it from a purely physical standpoint – it’s not hard to see why threesomes are so popular. Many women enjoy threesomes as well, if they are secure and confident in themselves, their relationships and their sexuality. Sometimes, three’s not really a crowd.

Will A Threesome Destroy Your Relationship?

Some women – and men too – absolutely refuse to have an open relationship or even consider having a threesome. Some girls are afraid that if they are open to having a threesome, it will ruin their relationship. Not only can jealousy ruin a threesome, it can hurt too. It can also be hard to imagine going back to a normal sex life after introducing a threesome or a foursome. How can you ever top that? How can you ever keep your man from wanting to add another girl every time? There are definitely a lot of concerns for women when it comes to thinking about having a threesome or foursome. How can you handle those concerns?

A threesome won’t ruin a relationship or even damage it, in and of itself. It’s what can happen when there’s no clear communication between all the parties involved in the threesome, and when someone’s expectations are too high. There are, however, ways you can avoid trouble when it comes to inviting another person – or persons – into your bed.

How To Make A Threesome Successful

First, talk to your partner about having a threesome. Is it something you both want? Do you want to have a threesome just to please your partner, or is it something you would enjoy too? Making sure you’re on the same starting page is the first step. When you’ve come to the decision that having a threesome is something you and your partner would both enjoy doing together, talk to each other and establish some ground rules. What are you both expecting out of a threesome? Is your partner expecting you to have threesomes often if you’re comfortable with it, or is this a once-in-a-lifetime deal? Talk about what you’re comfortable with and what you’re not comfortable with, and how you want to deal with things that make you uncomfortable. Once you’ve reached common ground when it comes to the threesome, above all, make sure anyone else that is involved in your threesome is in the know too.

Would You Have A Threesome?

32% of users who answered our online threesome poll suggested they would “absolutely” have a threesome, no questions asked. 40% suggested they would have a threesome if they were with “the right group of friends.” Only a small percentage – 29% to be exact – suggested they wouldn’t even consider having a threesome. So are threesomes “in?” Would you have a threesome? Take our poll here, only on Ask Dan and Jennifer.

A swinging situation involving rough sex goes wrong – what went wrong and how could it have been avoided? What you need to know to prevent swinging mishaps from happening to you!

Communication, Communication, Communication

When it comes to communicating with your partner before swinging, and your potential swinging partners, there just isn’t enough. You simply can’t go overboard when you talk to your significant other and your friends before, during and even after each swinging session. The “before swinging” talk is the most important, especially if you’re with a new couple. Get to know your potential swingers before you actually swing. Talk about what you like, what they like and what you both don’t like or are uncomfortable with. The most common swinging “mishap” is when someone does something that someone else is uncomfortable with, but nobody said anything beforehand. Talk about your boundaries with your partner and your potential swinger friends. What are some things you aren’t willing to do? Cover your bases before you take your clothes of – you’ll save a lot of frustration and embarassment later. Don’t be afraid to hash out even the smallest of details. Don’t like red panties? Let it be known. Silly as it may seem, swinging is about people having fun together and it’s no fun if someone is uncomfortable.

Don’t Go Too Fast

When it comes to swinging, going slow is the way to go. You might be eager to jump in feet first, especially if you’re a first time swinger and have been thinking about it for awhile, but it’s difficult to go backwards with swinging. Start out by just making friends at first, or flirting a little. Have a few drinks with your potential swinging partners and get to know them. Talk about sex, and perhaps watch them having sex or let them watch you. Take baby steps. Doing a full swap right away can definitely be uncomfortable for first time swingers, and after a full swap, it can cause problems if you want to take it back to watching, or just oral sex.

Voice Your Concerns

So you’ve covered everything – at least you think you have – and you’re ready to start swinging. Your first swap goes great, until someone does something that weirds you out. What do you do? Keep quiet and say something afterwards? Let it bother you and ruin your fun? Absolutely not! While you want to be tactful and polite (even if something really bothers you), you want to be able to say something during the swap. That’s why it’s so important to swing with people you know and are comfortable with! If you let everyone know that something isn’t working for you, good swingers won’t judge you or criticize you. They’ll simply find another way to have fun that’s good for you too. If you swing with people who aren’t that way, find yourselves new swinger friends fast! Also, you want to be the kind of swingers that other people want to swing with too – so don’t be critical or judgemental if someone else pipes up with a concern. Take it all in stride and remember it’s about having a good time!

A wife is interested in swinging and attracted to sexual encounters with girls (and guys), but is uncomfortable with the idea of letting her husband play too. Is this normal? Where can she set the boundaries?

Complications Of Swinging

One of the problems that many couples have with swinging is that one of the partners wants to play with others, but they’re uncomfortable with their partner playing with anyone else. That’s why many couples have bad experiences with swinging, or don’t get into swinging at all, because they’re too jealous or selfish to let their partner have fun too. So if you’re uncomfortable with your partner getting to play, but you want to play, what do you do? The answer – which is the same for most questions about swinging – is talk to your partner. Be open with them. Tell them why it makes you uncomfortable. You might get lucky – your partner may not be interested in swinging themselves, but are interested in watching you play! You never know until you talk to your partner about it. But don’t be surprised if your partner feels that watching you swing while they’re on the sidelines isn’t fair (because it isn’t, unless they’re totally okay with it.)

Being Fair And Finding Balance

Jealousy and insecurity is normal when it comes to swinging and thinking about your partner having sexual pleasure with someone else. As fun as this idea might seem to you when you’re thinking about yourself getting to play, the tables can turn quickly when you imagine your partner with someone else. It’s important to be fair though, because unfair swinging has led to the destruction of many solid relationships. You need to learn how to work through your jealousy and insecurity and make sure you and your partner are both okay with swinging and each other swinging, and make sure that you both have open minds about it. If you can’t work through it? Don’t even go there. Don’t swing. Swinging isn’t for everybody and if you find that you’d rather not see your partner play, give up the idea of playing yourself.

The most important thing, however, is to talk to your partner before swinging. Come to agreements about what is okay and what isn’t. And don’t think you have to go all in if you’re just starting to swing. Maybe you just want to watch once or twice, or keep it soft. There are flavors of swingers for everyone, whether you want to go all the way or just keep it soft and sensual. You can always change your mind and go forwards – for example, if you want to start out just watching, maybe you can change it up and allow oral sex if you’re comfortable with that. Keep in mind, however, it’s harder to go back.

How can someone interested in swinging establish their own comfort zone and boundaries so they can have a fun and exciting sexual experience?

Challenging Your Comfort Zones

Many couples are afraid to start swinging because – duh – it’s completely out of your sexual comfort zone. Especially if you’ve been with your partner for years, starting to swing is just like dating all over again. You’re nervous meeting people, nervous about having a physical relationship with them…it’s not at all like the comfortable sex you have with your partner! Don’t worry though – swinging is commonly misunderstood. It’s not just a massive orgy all the time where everyone does everything with each other. Swingers are just adults looking to have a good time in a variety of different ways – so it’s time to challenge your comfort zones without jumping right out of them.

What Are Your Comfort Zones?

Even if your comfortable with your partner, you might not be in sync with them when it comes to thinking about swinging. You and your partner may have completely different ideas about what you want to accomplish while swinging and what swinging means to each of you. Find out what your partner is comfortable with and what their comfort zones are, and talk about what yours are too. Think about what would possibly make you uncomfortable. Decide what the boundaries are, what you’re ok with or not ok with. Write them down! Do you want to involve oral sex but not actual intercourse, or do you want to watch only? You don’t want to find out something is not ok after it’s already happened. The best thing you can do is communicate with your partner and talk, talk, talk – and then talk some more! The biggest reason that swinging doesn’t succeed with couples is because they didn’t take the time to discuss their thoughts and feelings about swinging before and after.

Reviewing And Redoing The Rules

The rules of swinging don’t change during swinging, but they can certainly change before and after. Just because you and your partner have agreed on a set of rules for what is ok and not ok during swinging doesn’t mean it has to stay that way forever. You and your partner both have the right to review the rules and redo them at your discretion – just don’t forget to talk about it! Above all, practice safe sex if you’re having sex with other people and be smart about it. Make sure everyone is in agreement about what is going to happen, including the other couple(s) and everyone is comfortable with what is going to happen. Even though the rules don’t change during swinging, if someone is getting hurt or you’re uncomfortable with something, you certainly have the right to stop.

She’s attracted to girls, he thinks it’s great – but how can she share a fun, exciting sexual experience with her husband while still staying safe and without upping the ante in their sexual relationship at home?

Opening Pandora’s Box

It’s a legitimate fear – she wants to share her attraction to girls with her husband, but she’s afraid she and her husband won’t be able to have regular sex again if they have a threesome. It’s his ultimate fantasy – so if she does it once, how can she ever live up to that again? It’s a fear that a lot of girls have and it’s one that keeps many of them from experimenting in the bedroom. Whether they’re afraid of opening the theoretical Pandora’s Box, or they’re jealous of their man with other women, many guys don’t get to have threesomes with their partners not because their partner isn’t into women, but because their partner is scared of the consequences.

Making It A Reality

If you decide that you want to try to share your attraction to women with your husband, take it one step at a time. There’s no need to dive right in with a straight-up, kinky threesome. Start by talking about girls first. Watch some videos with girls in it together, and try to meet some girls. See what it’s like to flirt and interact with other women. Does it make you uncomfortable? Does it make you jealous at all? If you find yourself uncomfortable at any time, it’s important that you recognize it as a sign to stop from moving forward. Don’t go too far too fast, because you might not be able to go back. Take your time and explore different things with your partner that involve women. You may find something that you like that doesn’t involve a threesome at all.

All Or Nothing?

Having interactions with other couples and other women isn’t all or nothing. When it comes to “swinging,” some couples simply get together and flirt, with a little light play. Some couples just watch each other get it on, while others go all the way and swap partners, share each other and do pretty much everything. Some couples just let the girls play. It depends on what you’re comfortable with, and you’re not expected to do everything all at once. The biggest reason that playing with other couples can fail is if you fail to communicate – so talk to your husband, listen to your husband, talk to the people you’re interested in interacting with and make sure that everyone is absolutely on the same page about everything.

The little known truth about swinging is that you “come for the sex, but stay for the friendships.”

And that’s why in the lifestyle Adult Friend Finder is known as “every swingers first mistake” – we all saw the member counts, joined in hopes of hooking up and left with a hollow feeling.

The Dirty On Swinging… “Sexually Social”?

So why isn’t swinging just indiscriminate sex? For the same reason it wasn’t when you were in college. There has to be some physical and mental chemistry and a high level of mutual attraction to create an erotic, lustful situation where you want to have sex with someone. And that doesn’t happen with everyone. Not even with most. Few, in fact.

However, what you do find is a new group of people who are open-minded, uninhibited, flirtatious, highly social and just flat out fun to be around. So even though you may not have sexual energy with everyone, you find that you enjoy their company and like hanging out with them far more than your previous social network of neighbors, work colleagues, PTA members are other “vanilla’s”. And the more social you are, the more friends and acquaintances you make, the more likely it is that you will find some people from time to time with mutual attraction and with whom you do want to take the flirtation up a few notches to more salacious fun.

A dating site doesn’t help create or maintain a social network of friends. They simply don’t provide the tools necessary to do that. There needs to be a way to make friends, to manage parties and other social events, to chat with people and see what they are up to, and to join in with others who share similar interests. For vanillas, FaceBook.com does this very well and that’s the reason why people spend hours a day on the site; but when you’re connected to family, kids, work mates, church members, and others then there’s simply no way to use it for the more adventurous side of your life.

A New Kind Of Swinger’s Website

This is where Kasidie.com comes in. It’s a site built from the ground up as a social network for swingers, or as they call it, those of us who are “sexually social”: building communities and friendships with a wide variety of tools. Here you can search profiles and find people similar to yourselves, just like a dating site, but you can also form bilateral friendships, post rendezvous for spontaneous fun, join in on hundreds of parties and travel takeovers (or even host your own), become a member of any number of communities catering to interests as disparate as wine, food, sports, travel and sexuality, and build a base of friends and social activities that are geared to getting you out of the house and into flirtatious, erotic fun.

Check out Kasidie.com, you might just have the best time of your life.

Dear Dan  and Jennifer,

 

My partner wants to bring a third person into our bedroom, but I want to fix our sexual issues first. Our sex life is sketchy at best… I don’t see adding a third person (threesome) any time soon and feel that he needs to show me more attention and make sure that I feel secure before adding a third person. How do I talk to him about this without causing a fight and him blowing up?

 

–Alexis, TX

Roleplaying

It can be hurtful to think about it in this way, but gal’s got to wonder, “Does he want a threesome because he’s not interested in me sexually anymore?” While you may be confident that your partner loves you and wants to be with you on a romantic level, hearing him introduce the idea of bringing another woman into the bedroom can definitely make you feel inadequate. Is this wrong on his part? Not likely – he’s trying to find a solution to his problem and trying to involve you at the same time. So it’s time to think outside the box a little bit. What if you roleplayed a different person entirely for him? Wore a wig, a new outfit, or even played a different part for a little while? Your partner may become very turned on by this, especially by seeing you so “out of yourself.” It’s almost like having an affair without having an affair, and the excitement and different feelings of roleplaying can really set your sex life on fire.

He Can Roleplay Too

Are you bored in the bedroom? You could be initiating sex less (thus leaving your partner high and dry) because you too are bored, or unsatisfied with your sex life. That doesn’t mean that you love your partner any less, but a little safe excitement never hurt anyone. To that end, if your partner likes the roleplaying idea, ask if he’ll try it too. Share with him some of your fantasies (being arrested by a dirty police officer anyone?) and let him decide which he feels comfortable with and let him surprise you. You might find that your own sexual desires are awakened, without something as drastic as a threesome.

Thinking Out Of The Box

Roleplaying is just one way to spice up your sex life. Start thinking outside the box – introduce toys, books, magazines, videos, costumes, lingerie, lubricants…anything sexual that will take you outside of that normal comfort zone and put you in an exciting, new sexual place. Heck, it may even be having sex on the couch instead of the bed that does it! There are so many different things you can do to give your sex life, well, a new life! All you have to do is have an open mind and get a little creative! Browse the internet for some fun ideas and when it comes to roleplaying, never, ever forget that the Star Wars Princess Leia Slave costume is just about every guy’s wet dream. Have fun!

It’s pretty typical for people who hang out together at work, as friends, in social groups to have their own vernacular. When you first enter that new world, it may seem like people are truly talking a foreign language. Here are a few things that swingers may say.

We’re Full Swap

In general, full swap means the couple has sexual intercourse with their playmates: female A will fuck male B and male A will fuck female B. Sometimes, female A will fuck female B, and male A will fuck male B (all depending on who is bisexual). Full swap is the most straightforward configuration in swinging, even in its complexity.

We’re Soft Swap!

Ah, soft swap is a little trickier. It may mean that couple A will have sex in the same room or on the same bed as couple B. Or, it may mean that female A will have sex with female B. Or, it may mean that female A will allow oral sex to be performed on her, but no penetration can occur; and maybe she’ll return the favor to female and/or male B. And perhaps, male A welcomes oral sex to be performed by female B and may perform oral sex on female B. And if the guys are bisexual, add those possibilities to the mix. In other words, if a couple says they are soft swap, that’s when you start asking questions. If you stop there, chances are someone will leave in a huff.

Girl/Girl Only

We don’t swap partners, but the girls can play together all they want.

Voyeur

One or both of us like watching you have sex with your partner, or you have sex with our partner, or both, but we don’t participate.

FMF/MFM/FMFM/Threesome/Foursome/Moresome

F stands for female, M stands for male. Most people can figure out the configurations. Threesomes, FMFs and MFMs don’t necessarily need bisexual females or males to make it work, but be sure you’re clear about what you’re looking for when you put it out there. Foursomes and FMFM are good fun, yet sometimes difficult to put together because everyone has to like each other and there are more people involved. Moresomes are typically more spontaneous, play-party-driven adventures where a big group of people wind up in a pile on a bed. Swingers may play in any or all of these configurations … or none of them (see voyeur).

I’m Bi-Curious

I’m interested in exploring sex with someone with the same chromosomal arrangement. In my mind, one can be bi-curious only through the first few encounters with someone of the same sex. After that, pick a side. Your choices are below.

I’m Bisexual

I like to have sex with someone of the same sex as much as (or maybe even a little more than) with someone of the opposite sex. If I’m bisexual, I will give and receive oral sex. Boys and girls can be bisexual, although bisexual men are generally still pretty closeted (and less accepted) in the lifestyle.

I’m Straight

If you are a boy and I am a girl, let’s get it on. And vice-versa. But if we’re not different below the belt, let’s keep it platonic. Sometimes, I’ve found, that straight girls are OK kissing other girls, or touching other girls in casual, nonsexual ways in bed. Usually for guys, straight means straight.

I’m Bi-Comfortable

And here we have yet another ambiguous bit of terminology. Bi-comfy–is s/he OK with kissing, touching, licking, sucking, going down on, being gone down on, or fucking someone of the opposite sex? In my experience, bi-comfy girls are cool with kissing and being touched sexually by another girl, and may even be OK receiving oral sex from a girl, but they’re unlikely to give oral sex. Still, it’s better to ask than assume.

Play/Playdate

Plain and simple: play is sexual play, from soup to, er, nuts. A playdate is the date you make with another couple or a single to play. No jumpropes required.

Vanilla

What swingers call people who don’t swing. Also, a descriptor for ideas that swingers find boring, negative, uptight or judgmental, especially if the judgment is about something us swingers are doing.

Swingle

An unattached swinger.

Dreaded Single Male

OK, maybe “dreaded” is a little over the top. I think that most single males in the lifestyle get a bad rap. Single males are usually on the “don’t call us, we’ll call you” list for most couples. They’re often on the “must call” list for single females, who are looking to hook up, but maybe not beyond a booty call.

Unicorn

The rare mythical creature that all couples seek, yet few find. A unicorn is a single female, usually bisexual. Having been a unicorn once, I can say that it’s a kick-ass place to be. You get wined and dined and can have your pick of couples. Or, you can be used as a sex toy, treated as something that’s not human, and it can be a sucky place to be. So be nice to your unicorns, people.

Hall Pass

A hall pass gives me permission to have sex with other couples or singles without my partner. About 60 percent of swingers have hall passes. Sometimes, they are “carte blanche” passes, meaning the person can have sex with anyone s/he chooses to. Other times they are “conditional” passes–perhaps the person can play with others when traveling for business, or with a specific person.

Same Room/Same House

We only have sex with a couple or single when their partner is in the same room, or perhaps their partner needs to be in the same house (a “hall pass lite”).

Bareback

Having sex without condoms. Believe it or not, some swingers don’t use condoms, a decision that I personally would not make.

DP

Ooh! Double-penetration … my favorite. Usually this means the woman has simultaneous anal and vaginal intercourse, but I also know chicks who like two dicks in their pussy at the same time. Either way, the experience is intense and not for the faint of heart. Also, a tip: ass first, then pussy. I learned the hard way (and he couldn’t stay hard).

But there’s more to a great sex life than endless sexual adventures and erotic games.

It’s not even about those amazing mind-shattering orgasms that many have heard about, but few have ever experienced.

The real secret lies in really playing together and being completely open with your lover, your playmate, your partner in crime. Open up and share your fantasies, and indulge your partner in theirs. That’s the well kept secret of those with the truly incredible sex lives.

So… How About a Threesome? Or Maybe Even Swinging?

In expanding their sex lives, many couples come across that point where they consider a threesome – or even consider inviting another couple into their bedroom. Gasp!

Sure, bringing another woman into their bed is possibly the most popular male fantasy of all time. But finding that ever elusive single girl that likes to play with couples in her spare time is more challenging than some might thing. Fact is, most single girls like to go out and have sex with single men – not with couples.

Of course there’s a lot of social stigma around “swingers” which generally comes to mind, but the reality today is very different. Rather than the old “wife swapping” lifestyle of decades past, some couples today choose to try new things to spice up their sex life, and this new thing may or may not include playing with other singles or couples.

This is not about “swinger groupies” – people who don’t care about much other than having sex with others in large orgies, and hanging out at swinger lifestyle conventions. It’s about a couple experimenting and trying a new thing or another to add more spice to their sex life. THAT’S IT!

What’s truly amazing is that for something with such stigma, over 20 million Americans engage in sex multiple partners, together with their spouses. And the most popular adult personals site shows a consistent number in each state, regardless of religious or political stereotypes.

Are you a bad person if you WANT to have sex with your friends?

Think back… maybe back to your college days. Have you ever had one of those late nights hanging out with some friends, another couple? You know the feeling… you’ve all had a little too much to drink, and card games are starting to become a contact sport. You look around the room and everyone’s feeling the excitement, the sexual tension.

And while you’re pretty excited to cross a boundary here, you’re terrified. Are you suddenly a bad person? Are you taking advantage of your friends? Are they taking advantage of you? Is it cheating to be even having those thoughts? Are you asking way too many questions for the amount of alcohol you’ve consumed?

Is It CHEATING to Have Sex with Someone Other Than Your Spouse, Partner, Lover?

That certainly depends on how you define cheating. It’s kind of hard for you two to be cheating on each other while you’re BOTH enjoying something together, isn’t it?

Cheating is a breaking of the sacred trust in your relationship. When you’re both enjoying a fun, new adventure, it’s not possible to “cheat” on each other.

But BEWARE. While it’s not technically cheating, there are a few things that could go very wrong if you’re not careful.

You MUST have excellent and very open communication, and a great, solid relationship, or this will tear your relationship apart. Swinging, or the broader concept of an “open relationship” is definitely not a crutch to drag out a failing relationship. It can only work for a couple whose relationship is steady and strong, and can withstand the emotional torrent that can be unleashed when you bring new people into your intimate relationship.

And now information about swinging is readily available to the average individual. The internet has made things a lot easier and swinging is a topic that most people are, at least, aware of.

The Topic Of Swinging

If you have a similarly twisted sense of humour you’ll understand how the topic of swinging can get the giggles going in a group of friends. Eyebrows raise, inquisitive smiles perhaps, a lot of chuckles I’m sure – but underneath it all, I’d be willing to bet most, if not all involved let the thought of going through with swinging cross their minds. Is it a fleeting thought that causes a laugh or instinctual disregard? If so, then you know swinging isn’t in your scope of possibilities.

Do you find that thought lingers with you, maybe just while fantasizing…maybe more? Where do you go from there? Well – first off, if you feel this is something you want to cross over into your real world you need to be open, safe and extremely secure with your partner. Many couples wouldn’t even consider sharing their true fantasies with one another for fear of rejection.

If your fantasies are well known to one another this step won’t be as much of a shocker.

The Real Possibility Of Swinging

The next consideration would be who you would want to swing with? Would your comfort zone be to swing with people you already know on some level? Or would you prefer to swing with people who might not otherwise be a part of the other aspects of your life. People you want to see again or people who would only meet one time? People who have experience with swinging or newbies like you? So many things to think through if you are going down this road.

If you make the decision to move forward into the world of swinging some other considerations may be to what extent do you want to participate? Do you want to have sex only with your partner but in the same room as another couple? Would you switch partners up? Would there be limitations to what you would or would not do with another? Ground rules seem to be key in a situation as sticky as this.

It seems that this would be a part of the introduction into the consideration of the swinging phenomenon. I cannot speak beyond this stage but recently a few jokes with friends created cause for consideration.. a little excitement, even if only for a fleeting moment.. and even if it verified for me, that the world of swinging was most enticing in my fantasy world. I do see, however that what is easy and free in the world of fantasy requires a whole lot more thought if you cross over into reality. As open minded as I am I believe it takes a lot of pieces of the puzzle to fit together to have swinging be a positive experience for everyone involved.

(From the Merriam-Webster Dictionary Online)

My grandmother drilled the need to be tactful towards others as a child. My grandmother pointed out how adults can do things in front of other people without considering their own thresholds. I apply this lesson in my own adult life because it is easy to forget not everyone shares the same liberties as I do.

It’s a lesson Jim Trulock, Julie Norris and the city of Duncanville, Texas can learn in their battle over a tiny little swingers club called the Cherry Pit. No, it’s not an actual club in a building somewhere in the city but it is operated in the home of the couple.

The Battle Over The Swinger’s Club

Trulock and Norris opened their home to receive both friends and couples to party at their house. Not a problem with a party going on in the suburbs, but it becomes a problem when it is a weekly occurrence bringing traffic and annoyance to their neighborhood.

The weekly parties at the Cherry Pit prompted the city to do everything from visit the home with warnings to adding no parking signs near the house. When this didn’t work the city then enacted new laws prohibiting the running of a sex club out of a residential area. Citation after citation came from the city; when this happened Trulock sent his lawyers in to argue the constitutionality of the ordinances.

Once the police entered the facility to raid their “club” the battle escalated prompting court appearances, accusations, and a mention by Bill O’Reilly of Fox News.

In the year and a half of back and forth over who is right (whether the residence can be used as a private club or if zoning laws prohibited this activity in a residential area) I think the whole thing could be solved if both sides could meet each other half way instead of the legal monster it is now.

Isn’t it time for a little tact on both sides? How about a review of some swinging rules in this situation?

Swinger Lifestyle Rules

You know the basic rules in the Lifestyle:

• No means no.
• Treat ladies like ladies—before and after the party.
• Practice safe sex

Here’s a fourth one: Never throw a swingers party in a place that either annoys the neighbors or draw attention to you from law enforcement.

Don’t Annoy The Neighbors

There are cases around the country similar to this one. Some are justified where others don’t seem to muster the fuss and attention city officials give it. Some of these cases range from couples having adult web cams in the privacy of their own home to couples who occasionally have a swing party in their homes.

I understand when you tell your neighbors you are having a few folks over for some fun and if things get loud don’t hesitate to let them know (out of courtesy). But when you hold these parties week after week with various vehicles and loud noises coming from your home Mr. Turlock and Ms. Norris shouldn’t be surprised by a visit by law enforcement. Hence the need for a tact in this situation.

On the law enforcements side it seems a bit trivial what adults do consensually with each other. No one is harmed at these parties and the way law enforcement (or the over zealous prosecutors) handle such disturbances seems to me more PR ploy than actual enforcement for a “disturbing the peace” situation.

Both sides handled this situation poorly and if nothing good comes out of this maybe it provides a warning to Lifestylers out there who want to have a good time but don’t want the hassle of law enforcement banging on the door.

If you want to throw a great sexy party do so, but be mindful of where you are at (i.e., location, location, location) and how you’d feel if such disturbances came from your fellow neighbors. Plus I know the economy is in the tank these days and we’re all trying to save and make money.

If you are trying to have a party and want to make some “bling” in the process it’s better to find a few hotel rooms or hold it at a building or residence far from the populace than to hold it in the middle of your own Cul De Sac.

If the subject is approached in a tactful way you can win your fellow lawmakers over and maybe invite some of them for some much needed relaxation. The cultural exchange could be eye opening.

For more on the case read the article from the Dallas Observer.

What do YOU think? Join the discussion on this really hot topic in the Ask Dan and Jennifer Love & Sex Forums – Dallas Observer – Swingtown Article (Duncanville Swingers Club)

Less mentioned, however, is the threesome where there is one woman and two men. What causes a two man-one woman threesome to be much more taboo?

So what’s wrong with an MMF Threesome – one girl and two guys?

The Human Condition

It’s natural for humans to be curious about sex in a variety of different forms. Whether it’s oral sex, anal sex or even sex with someone of the same gender, these are all things that pique the curiosity and interest of a human being.

Men, however, are socially raised to believe that it is not acceptable to be submissive in any way. They’re taught to be macho.

Also socially ingrained into men and all people actually, is that when two people come together, one must be submissive and the other dominant.

This is something that is seen with all mammals and it’s only natural for humans. Understanding why two men being together sexually is considered more taboo than two women being together sexually takes an understanding of the human condition.

If men are taught to never be submissive and when two people are together, one of them must be submissive, if two men are together one of them must become submissive.

Socially, this is unacceptable, yet this is something that is not projected on women. It seems perfectly natural and even erotic for two women to be together sexually and fuels a number of male fantasies.

Exploring Homosexuality

Every person has at least one fleeting thought about sex with someone of the same gender. It’s totally normal! However, because of the mindset that society has placed on people, men having even a fleeting homosexual thought is considered not normal.

Were a man to express this to someone, they would automatically assume that he is gay as opposed to assuming that he is human. Watching two women be together sexually allows a man to explore two people of the same gender being together sexually without being criticized in any way.

Perks of Same Sex Partners

Without having to worry about pregnancy in a sexual relationship, sex between two people of the same gender allows for more enjoyment and freedom.

Another factor that plays into the fact that men enjoy watching two women be together sexually is that women are traditionally more sensual. They tend to take sex and sexual pleasure slower, allowing a man to really watch and enjoy their pleasure.

A threesome with two men and one woman is perfectly normal and actually happens more than one would think. It’s normal and healthy for a person to want to explore all avenues and aspects of sexuality, whether that’s through masturbation, traditional heterosexual intercourse, oral sex, anal sex or sex with someone of your own gender.

It helps, however, to have an understanding of the societal pressures that make some sexual activities more or less taboo than another, so you can begin to understand that most sexual desires, thoughts and actions are normal and are simply part of the human condition.

How can you approach that subject with your friends without risking anything?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I’m 34 years old and have recently won a 3 yr battle with cancer. I have a new lease on life and want to live it to the fullest. I have an absolute best guy friend, “Rick”, who is dating my best friend “Abbie”. I have been thinking a lot lately about having a threesome with “Rick” and “Abbie”. I’m just not sure how to broach the subject with either of them. “Rick” and I have joked about it a few times before but I always brushed it aside… Now, how should I go about approaching the subject for real? I love them both, and I don’t want anyone hurt at all.

–Amanda, Kentucky

Your Friends Are Your Friends

First off, if your friends are really your friends, especially if they’ve joked about it before, they’re not going to hang you just for suggesting a threesome for real. You’re all adults and you can talk about the topic as adults.

Simply bring it up, possibly over a glass of wine or after a nice meal, and discuss the situation. Let them know that you’ve been running the idea through your head and it might something you want to try.

Be honest with them. In turn, you’ll find they’ll be honest with you. They might say it was something they were only joking about and they’re not comfortable trying that with you at this point.

That’s okay! Then again, they might say it’s something they’re open to experiencing. You won’t know until you talk to them about it.

When The Mood Is Right

Okay, so you don’t want to approach the topic of having a threesome with your friends over a quick breakfast before work, or when the kids are acting up. If you wait until the mood is right, however, you’ll most likely get the more honest response.

For example, your friends might really be into the idea, but if they’re rushed or otherwise occupied, they’re probably going to brush the idea off.

Approach your friends alone when everyone is at ease and laughing with each other. You’ll get a much better response that way!

Talking About The Details

Some of the most important things to discuss when you approach the topic of having a threesome with your friends is the what, who, when and where. Don’t be afraid to discuss details. For example, would you like to first try a threesome without sexual penetration at all? Will there be condoms involved? How will the subjects of STD’s and possible pregnancy be handled?

What makes you uncomfortable about having a threesome? What turns you on about it? Hashing out the details of the threesome before you actually have one will leave less awkwardness to be had afterwards.

Without talking about the details beforehand, you risk things becoming weird during the threesome if someone does something someone else isn’t comfortable with, and you also run the risk of having things become weird afterwards as well.

Talk about the threesome before with your friends, but also talk to them afterwards as well. Remember that everyone is an adult and that the threesome and things within the threesome can be discussed as adults. Even if the threesome didn’t go as planned, or it really wasn’t your cup of tea, it’s nothing to be ashamed about or embarrassed about.

Just talk to your friends and be honest with them. Similarly, if you really enjoyed the threesome, be sure to be honest with them about that as well! Talk to your friends about the possibility of another threesome. You’ll never know if you don’t approach the topic though!

Inexperienced swingers, however, may find that the first few times are a little nerve wracking, especially if it involves a group of people.

If you find yourself being nervous during a swinging session, you might need to back up a little bit until you get more comfortable.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My wife and I just experienced our first swinger encounter, I am a very lucky man in having a wife that is so open to this. She was great – I, however, was a little nervous – so nervous that I had a difficult time getting an erection (this has never happened before!). I don’t know if it was the fact that I was being watched by 15 people or what… Do you have any tips to help me over come this problem of not being able to step up to bat?  Thank you.

–Adam, CO

Performance Anxiety

Some people get “performance anxiety.” This might happen when you’re alone with your partner, but it’s more likely to happen if you’re swinging with a couple or having a more voyeuristic adventure with more people.

You may find that you can’t get an erection or if you’re a woman, you may feel more shy and self conscious than before. It can be embarrassing, especially if you’re unable to get or maintain an erection, to have performance anxiety while swinging. What can you do?

Back Up A Little Bit

Stop and think about what might have made you uncomfortable while swinging. How did you feel? Were you nervous? Were you shy or self conscious? Were you wearing an outfit that was uncomfortable or you didn’t feel sexy in? Were there a number of people watching you swing?

Dig deep to find the culprit of your performance anxiety. There is a cause. Once you find it, you can begin to solve the problem so it doesn’t happen again. For example, if your swinging session involved more people than just the other couple you were swinging with, you can try swinging again with just one other person or perhaps just another couple.

If you were wearing an uncomfortable or unflattering outfit that made you feel self conscious or out of place, you can try swinging again while wearing something you feel really dynamite in. Don’t let one bout of performance anxiety turn you off from swinging forever.

Feeling Comfortable

For swinging to be successful, you need to feel comfortable. Knowing this beforehand allows you to ensure that you’re wearing something comfortable and you’re swinging with people you feel comfortable with, but too many couples find out too late that swinging requires a good deal of confidence and ease for it to turn out well.

If you’ve already had some performance anxiety or a bad swinging experience, take some time out to collect yourself and then try to get back in the groove. You can improve your body image by eating right and exercising if you’re feeling self conscious about yourself, or you can try to make swinger friends that you’re more comfortable with.

Talk with your partner about what makes you comfortable and uncomfortable so you can ensure your next swinging session will be more successful.

If you find that you have performance anxiety every time you swing, you might want to rethink the swinging aspect of your relationship. Swinging isn’t for everyone and that’s okay. If you find yourself uncomfortable and nervous every time, re-evaluate your need to swing and what is behind that.

You might be able to find something that enhances your relationship and your sex life that you’re a little more comfortable with than swinging.

There’s a reason for that though. Swinging doesn’t always work the way we hope it to.

What do you do when swinging goes wrong? What happens if there’s a rift between you and your partner after swinging? What do you do?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My husband got quite close to his client. They eventually became attracted to each other. All 4 of us became close socially. Eventually we began to talk about a swap. We went on a short holiday. Both of them were very close and comfy with each other. Her husband and I were not and the situation got very uncomfortable. Nothing happened between any of the couples. But our marriages have been affected. My husband is still close to her. And each day my emotions drive me crazy. We still go out as friends. But one day I’m ok with it, and another day I’m hurt that he puts her before me. I feel that her husband also goes thru what I’m going thru. It’s destroying me. What should I do?

– Samantha, Uganda

Swinging Gone Wrong

Most of the time, when swinging goes wrong it’s a jealousy issue. This can happen before you actually have sex, during or after. Even if your partner is just spending time with another person while you’re spending time with someone else as well, it can lead to jealousy and hurt feelings. This can be especially difficult to deal with if your foray into swinging isn’t as successful as your partner’s. You may feel left out or forgotten about.

If you’re experiencing any of these feelings, relax. They’re all normal feelings. Swinging isn’t for everyone and it may have taken a step in that direction for you to realize that swinging isn’t for you. Don’t dismiss your feelings because you think you “shouldn’t” have them, or that you “brought them on yourself” because you agreed to the swinging in the first place.

You reserve the right to change your mind about swinging at any point in time, any place, anywhere. If swinging starts making you feel uncomfortable, even if it didn’t at first, it’s perfectly fine to change your mind and stop the swinging.

Going In Reverse

If you’ve had a not so good experience with swinging, you have every right to put a stop to it. That may prevent any hurt feelings in the future, but what about the hurt you’re harboring now? Is your relationship doomed to failure now that you’ve introduced swinging into your lives?

Not necessarily

Your relationship is only going to be doomed if you let it. If you’re feeling hurt and upset about the swinging, it’s important that you talk to your partner about it. Let them know how you’re feeling without blaming your partner and without being critical. Talk about what happened and when you’re done talking, talk some more! Be open and honest in your communication.

The number one reason that swinging ends up destroying relationships is because one or both partners don’t communicate with each other. They’re not on the same page and they stay that way, because no one speaks up. Discuss with your partner what hurt you and find out what went wrong. Is there a way that it could be prevented in the future, should you decide to swing again?

By being on the same page as your partner and talking to each other about what went wrong with the swinging, you can begin to heal those hurt feelings. You can put the feelings of jealousy aside as your partner reassures you and together you can work to put aside what happened and begin to strengthen your relationship.

With open and honest communication, you can keep a bad swinging experience from ruining your relationship with your partner. If you decide never to swing again, that’s your prerogative. It’s important to understand that swinging isn’t for everyone and as long as you and your partner are open with each other, you can both come out having learned a lot!

Some couples aren’t ready for swinging. You have to be comfortable, confident and above all, open and honest with each other. Do you have what it takes to be swingers?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I have a huge dilemma. My wife and I are very sexual, and have discussed at length our interest in the swinging lifestyle. We are both dying to explore the beginning stages, but have a problem. Besides being totally inexperienced, we are not physically fit and although we are very fun and engaging and have a lot of social adventures, we feel too uncomfortable to approach others. We want to watch real people have sex in front of us, but not participate.

Is there an outlet for this with real people? I know it’s hypocritical, but we would like to see attractive people, and people we connect with emotionally, but we don’t feel we have what it takes to get others to want to share themselves with us. What should we do?

– Jay, NC

Being Comfortable With Yourself

Swingers come in all shapes, sizes and colors. The swingers you see in pornography and on television shows aren’t the only swingers out there in real life. Swingers can be anyone, your frumpy next door neighbors or even your bald boss. You’re going to find a great mix of people from all walks of life when you start exploring swinging.

You may feel that you’re not attractive enough to swing, or that no other couple is going to be interested in what you have to offer. That’s not true! It takes time and effort to find another person or couple that you’re compatible with, but that doesn’t mean you never will.

The first step to swinging is getting comfortable with yourself. Now that you understand that swingers don’t all look like television actors and actresses, you can begin to become confident enough with yourself that you aren’t worried about what you look like or what other people look like.

You can always change your physical appearance. You can lose weight, tone up, even dye your hair. Why do that, though? If you’re not confident with you, the swinging life is going to fizzle fast. Learn to accept yourself for who you are and what you look like, and realize that you’re attractive to your partner and you’re going to be attractive to others as well.

Getting Your Feet Wet

You don’t have to start swinging immediately when you start working yourself into that lifestyle. If you find a couple you’re attracted to and vice versa and you want to jump in, go ahead. Many people, however, just want to get their feet wet at first. You can do this a number of ways.

Believe it or not, there are a great number of “swingers clubs” all over the country. Some are simply clubs that allow swingers to meet, while others are set up to allow for sex on the premises.

Either way, they’re a great way to get involved in swinging. Whether you’re watching someone have sex or someone’s watching you have sex, you can find out how you feel about swinging without actually going through with it! Plus, you can meet some great couples and friends.

You can also find websites that are similar to dating websites, but they’re designed for swingers. You can post a profile and photos as well as browse other profiles and photos. It’s a great way to meet swingers, get yourself introduced and get to know them.

Just don’t forget to take it offline when you’re ready. You can’t have a swinging relationship exclusively on the computer! With a great, confident attitude, an open and honest relationship with your partner, and an unbiased look on meeting swingers and getting to know them, you have exactly what it takes to be a swinger!

As time goes on, the sex life continues to dwindle and sex with your partner becomes routine.

Your interest in sex with your partner may lessen, but this doesn’t mean that you love your partner less or your relationship is doomed. It just means your relationship has progressed naturally!

Can having a threesome bring the spice back into your partnership?

You had mentioned the other day that some therapists actually recommend bringing

a third person into the bedroom to spice up your sex life. Please explain…

Threesomes aren’t for everyone.

It’s true. Bringing another person or another couple into your sex lives can be fun and enjoyable and ramp up your sex lives. It’s also true that having a threesome or swinging isn’t for every couple. Only you and your partner can decide whether incorporating other people into your sex lives is the right choice for you. How do you know?

• You and your partner are happy with each other in every other aspect of your relationship
• You and your partner aren’t the jealous type
• You are secure in your relationship with this person and have no self esteem issues
• You and your partner have talked the situation over . . . and over, and over and over.

After talking to your partner about having a threesome or swinging, if you feel it’s the right decision, go for it! Work out who you think the third person or couple should be and talk to them. Go over what you feel is right and what you’re comfortable with and what actions are considered out of bounds.  Then have fun!

Playing it safe.

When you’re in a monogamous relationship, you generally don’t have to worry about sexually transmitted diseases. If you’ve been in a relationship for quite awhile, it can be difficult to remember safety when making the switch to incorporating sex with another person or couple.

If you are going to have sexual relations with another person, it’s important to take safety precautions so you can keep both you and your partner free of sexually transmitted diseases. Getting tested is the only sure way to make sure neither party has any STD’s but if that’s not an option; you can use other methods as well.

Use condoms when having oral sex or intercourse and use dental dams when performing oral sex on a woman.  To be extra safe, you can even use latex gloves or finger cots if you plan to be using your hands at all.

Having a threesome or incorporating another couple into your sex life isn’t something everyone should do. It’s a decision that must be made carefully by all parties that will be involved. The most important thing you can do other than being safe is to talk to your partner and talk to everyone that is going to be involved.

Make sure everyone is comfortable with the situation and make sure the boundaries are clear and known by everyone. If you’re not comfortable having a threesome or swinging, it doesn’t mean your sex life is doomed forever. You can incorporate lots of other new things, such as sex toys or role-playing. Find out what turns you and your partner on and have at it, as long as no one is getting hurt (too much!)

You also sometimes hear how this is essentially a recipe for disaster, but you’ve thought about it and it sounds like something you might want to try. Can an open relationship or swinging relationship ever actually work?

Can swinger and open relationships really work or are they just a recipe for disaster?

Yes, for strong couples.

Open relationships and swinging can be a recipe for disaster, if you’re not a strong couple. If you haven’t been with your partner for very long or you or your partner have self esteem issues or tend to be the jealous type, open relationships and swinging is nothing but bad news.

If you and your partner have been together for a few years and are completely comfortable with each other, swinging together or fostering an open relationship might not be a bad idea – if it’s truly what you and your partner both want.

Good communication is key.

You definitely need to have a good, strong relationship to start swinging or having an open relationship but this isn’t all you need. You need to continue having a strong relationship and communicate with each other often during the swinging and after. Good communication is key to keeping any problems or issues that may arise at bay, or solving problems that come up.

It’s important that you can talk to your partner about what makes you comfortable and what makes you uncomfortable, and vice versa. Talk about what is okay for both you and the other partners who are coming into your relationship sexually, and talk about what is not okay and how to handle it.

The single most thing you can do to ensure that an open relationship or swinging doesn’t ruin your relationship with your partner is to talk to each other and then talk some more. In fact, don’t ever stop talking to each other! Keep the lines of communication open at all times.

When it starts to get rough . . .

If you notice that your open relationship is starting to take a toll on either you or your partner, it’s important that you speak up! It may be something you want to try but not continue to do, and that’s okay too. Make your thoughts and feelings about the situation known at all times so no one is left in the dark.

You have the right to decide that you no longer want an open relationship and your partner does too. If one or both of you decide to end the swinging, respect each other and end it appropriately. That doesn’t mean that you put it to bed. Talk about what you feel went “wrong” or what made you uncomfortable. Don’t let harsh feelings sit on the back burner just because your open relationship isn’t open anymore. You may end up harboring guilt or anger that will hurt your relationship in the long run.

Together, you and your partner can work out whether or not an open relationship or swinging is something that will work for you. Talk to each other about it and decide if it’s something you really want to do and if so, feel free to try it! Just remember, it’s all for fun and your actual relationship is with your partner.

Where to look

Thanks to the internet, it is easier to become a swinger than ever before. As recently as the mid-1990’s, the most common way was by purchasing a contact magazine, usually at a seedy adult bookstore, and then mailing letters to the people who advertised therein.

Swing clubs have existed since the 1970’s, but the only way you could find out about them was by word of mouth or through advertisements in underground publications. Today, the road to becoming a swinger starts with the click of a mouse.

Whether you are looking for a classy swing club, a private house party, or a couple in your city, all of these things can be found on the internet. For those looking to dive right in, clubs and parties are the best way to meet a number of potential playmates on any given night.

For those who prefer a slower, more relaxed approach, your best bet is to place on ad on a swinger’s contact website such as our favorite, Adult Friend Finder. However, meeting people through on online ad requires a great amount of patience.

Swing clubs

Regarding swing clubs, if you live in a large city, you might have a choice between an on-premise club and an off-premise club. An on-premise club is where the sex actually takes place at the facility, whereas sex does not take place at an off-premise club. Off-premises clubs typically hold social events at hotel ballrooms, but those who want to play can usually rent a discounted guest room at that hotel. We usually recommend off-premise clubs to newbies who are worried about being pressured to have sex before they’re ready.

Clubs in your area can be found by utilizing your favorite search engine with the key words “swing clubs” along with the name of your home state or the nearest major city. That should lead you to a list a clubs with links to their websites. Check out those sites and see which one might be write for you. If you have any questions or concerns, don’t be afraid to call or email the club for additional information.

Private swing parties

Private swing parties are a little more difficult to find, because so many of them advertise through word-of mouth. For the most part, you won’t hear about these parties until you’ve worked you way into certain social circles. However, some of these parties are advertised online, often through Craigslist or social networking sites such as Yahoo! Groups. Also, some swingers contact websites have a listing of local parties in your area.

Types of swing parties

There are two basic types of private swing parties: the house party and the hotel party. Swinger house parties are held in private residences and operate just like vanilla house parties with one exception: if you happen to find someone you are attracted to, there is no shame in heading to a bedroom and having sex with that person. Swinger hotel parties are a little more hardcore. At some of them, you are expected to lose your clothes at the door. Because of this, house parties are a safer start for those just getting into the lifestyle.

Placing an advertisement on a contact website can be a time-consuming process, but it is a good alternative for those who don’t care for the large crowds and loud music which can be characteristic of clubs and parties.

Placing an ad online

The biggest challenge is putting together your online profile, which is your introduction to the rest of the swinging world. Your profile should be very specific in describing yourself and what you’re looking for. Ads with photos get better responses, so it’s best to also post some clear, recent pictures. If you are concerned about privacy, it’s acceptable to either use photos that don’t show your face, or to use photo editing software to remove your face from the pictures.

Furthermore, it’s very important that your profile be as honest as possible in your profile, because lying about your age, weight or endowment will not get you anywhere once the truth is revealed. Also, we recommend that you keep your profile sounding positive by listed the things you like rather than all the things you don’t like. A long list of dislikes makes you come across like a negative person.

Once your ad is placed

Once your profile is posted, take some time to browse through the other profiles to see if there is anyone who catches your eye. When it come to initiating contact, make sure you write to only those whose criteria you fit. Once you’ve established a correspondence, try to arrange a meeting fairly quickly so that you don’t get caught up in an endless cycle of emails.

It’s best to meet others for the first time in a public place for drinks or a snack so that you can get to know each other better and see if there’s any chemistry there. Some swingers enjoy playing on the first date, but if that’s not your desire, you can schedule a play date for later.

A warning

Be forewarned that there are a lot of advertisers on contact websites who are not truly serious about getting into the lifestyle. Thus, you will probably have to weed through a lot of these people just to find a potential playmate that is sincere. But with perseverance, you should be able to meet someone who is willing to introduce you into the lifestyle.

Also, regardless of what path you take to become a swinger, don’t be afraid to ask experienced swingers for tips and tricks on how to navigate the lifestyle waters. Swinging is not for everyone, but it can lead to a lifetime of fun for many of us.

You’re not alone! You’re right to be a little nervous about picking a swinging partner, especially if it’s your first time.

You need to pick a swinging partner that you are both comfortable with and attracted to, or trouble can brew. If you and your partner can’t agree on who to swing with, should you compromise?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My wife and I want to get into swinging. We’ve been talking about it for a little over 2 years now. She was the one who approached me with the idea. We have joined a swing site but the problem is that my wife doesn’t like my taste in woman.

I’m not into super thin women I like a woman with a little belly but not huge. Let me say this before judging me on this not that you would. My wife is not small but not huge either, I love her dearly, but she always wants me to pick a woman that is larger then her or the same size. But when she picks the man she wants I never question her on it. Its just sex I’m not looking to replace her.

Am I wrong for wanting a woman that I’m more physically attracted with?

- Aaron, Ohio

Her fears.

If you find a swinging partner that you’re attracted to, but your partner vetoes your decision, it might frustrate you especially if it happens more than once. If this is something that you’re dealing with, take heart.

Many women are afraid of their husbands picking a swinging partner that is more attractive than them, and they might even be afraid that you’ll like the swinging partner more than her.

These are completely normal fears and although they generally stem from deeper self esteem issues, your wife is not the first woman who has felt this way about swinging. Even women who are into swinging can have these doubts, so it’s important that if your partner is feeling this way that you cut her some slack.

Try to understand where she is coming from.

Is she really okay with swinging?

If your partner repeatedly vetoes your swinging partner suggestions, there may be something more to the equation than what meets the eye. It might be a subconscious signal that she really doesn’t want to start swinging. If this is something you suspect, it’s important that you have a discussion with her about swinging before actually doing the deed.

As with any time swinging comes up, it’s essential that you talk to each other and talk some more. Talk before and after you swing, and even during if you need to!  Open lines of communication are a must when it comes to swinging.

Talk to your partner and find out if she really is okay with swinging. Don’t be judgmental. If she was into swinging before and has decided that perhaps she’d like to wait or if she isn’t interested anymore, that’s okay. Don’t criticize her for it, because she has the right to change her mind about how she feels about swinging at any time.  So do you!

Making her comfortable.

If your partner just seems uncomfortable with your choices in swinging partners, let her choose a partner. It may not be someone you’re really attracted to at first, but if she is, that’s an important first step. Letting your partner choose who you swing with the first few times can go a long way into getting her warmed up to the swinging idea. Perhaps you and your partner can work out an agreement about who gets to choose the partner and when.

Since many women are afraid of their husbands finding more pleasure in the swinging partner than them, you can build trust with her by proving to her that you’re not out to do that. Once the trust has been established, she will more than likely become more comfortable with your choices in swinging partners. Just remember communication is the key to making swinging work! Talk to each other endlessly and make sure that every avenue has been discussed in full before taking the plunge.

If you’re about to take the plunge into the world of multiple partner sex, you may have a few questions on how to do it safely.

Congratulations! Not everyone has safety on their mind before having a threesome. Here are some great ways to have safety in numbers.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Just wanted to say I think it is great what you two do.  My question is my girlfriend and I want to have a threesome with another female and we have one lined up. I know to use a condom but what about oral and other kinds of play? We don’t want to come home with some kind of STD.

Do you have any advice for protection?

- John, CA

Getting Tested

The first and foremost thing you should do if you’re planning to have a threesome is get tested for sexually transmitted diseases. All parties involved should have this done.

Your doctor can do this for you, or a local health department can. Have the clinic print something for you that shows your STD status and let all parties involved have a look. This is truly the best way to avoid contracting sexually transmitted diseases when having a threesome.

Sometimes, a threesome is not monogamous and this can substantially shake things up. If you can’t secure a regular threesome partner or if it’s not just a one time thing, you’ll want to take extra safety precautions.

Stepping Up The Safety Factor

- Use latex condoms, or condoms from another material if someone is allergic to latex. Female condoms are great too. Use condoms during sexual intercourse, anal sex and even during oral sex and hand to penis stimulation. While this may not sound enticing, make sure you have a bottle of lubricant with you. Lubricant can go a long way to making latex feel more natural and pleasurable.

- Use latex or vinyl gloves. If you’re going do be doing any play with your hands that involves touching the penis, vagina or anus, protect your hands and their genitals by using latex gloves or gloves of another material.

- Use dental dams or at the very least, plastic wrap when giving a woman oral sex. These both work well to protect the mouth from any vaginal secretions. The trick to using dental dams or plastic wrap is putting a few drops of lubricant on the underside of the plastic square (the side that faces the vagina) and leaving the side that faces the mouth clean. This will help increase the pleasure of oral sex.

These things aren’t going to keep you from contracting every sexually transmitted disease on the planet, but it will reduce your risk of exposure a great deal. Remember that pubic lice, scabies, genital herpes and genital warts can all be spread by skin to skin contact.

Even if you’re wearing a condom, if there’s a genital sore on the upper part of the genitals and this is something you come into contact with, you run the risk of contracting the STD.

Communication

It is essential that you communicate frequently with all parties that are to be involved in the threesome. Talk before the threesome, during and even after. Address what actions are acceptable and what aren’t. Stick to these guidelines during the threesome. Don’t put anyone in a position where they could possibly contract a sexually transmitted disease just for your own pleasure.

Keeping the lines of communication open can seem awkward, but it is essential for a successful threesome. If you’re smart and safe, you and your partner can have a great time with your new partner.

How can you start swinging slowly, and in a way that makes both partners completely comfortable?

While the only rules for swinging for you are set by you and your partner, there are some general guidelines that can help make things easier for the both of you.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My fiancée and I are talking about trying the swinging lifestyle and we are a little unsure of how to start and move into it gradually so that everyone is comfortable. What do you suggest?

- Randa, Alabama

Ease Into It

Getting involved in the swinging lifestyle slowly is probably the best way to go about it. It’s great if you and your partner have made this decision together before starting to swing, instead of getting caught in the moment before having discussed the topic. The most important thing you can do when considering swinging is talk about it. Talk about every aspect of swinging, even if it seems like a small issue.

Ask some important questions. Why do you want to swing? What turns you on about swinging? Discuss with your partner how you feel about swinging and listen to them as well. It’s extremely vital that you both are on the same page before you take the plunge! You should also evaluate your relationship as it stands before you venture into the swinging lifestyle. If your relationship is in any way in trouble, swinging is not going to help! You need a strong relationship foundation before you start swinging with your partner.

Make The Rules Clear!

When discussing swinging with your partner, it’s important that you hash out the details. Decide what is appropriate during swinging and what isn’t. You don’t want to be in the heat of the moment and not know if something is okay, or to have to stop and ask permission.

Or worse, you could do something that offends your partner or makes them uncomfortable without knowing beforehand whether that particular action was okay or not. Sit down with your partner and really go over what you feel is okay during a swinging session and what is off limits. You’ll both be happier in the end that you agreed on the details before you started swinging.

Find A Couple That Matches Your Style

It is just as important to find a couple into swinging that shares your same interests as it is to talk about swinging first. If you’re new to swinging, you might try to find a couple that is also new to swinging, or at least find a couple that is sensitive to those trying it for the first time.

Find a couple that you can talk to about what makes you comfortable and uncomfortable, and how to handle things as they arise. You’ll need to be able to communicate both between each other as well as with the members of the other couple, so make sure you find a couple that you’re comfortable talking to!

Above all, you need to talk to your partner. Talk and talk some more!  You can make swinging much easier and much more comfortable for you both to get into if you’re both on the same page when it comes to what is okay and what isn’t. Talk to each other as you experience swinging as well – as long as you keep the lines of communication open between everyone involved, you can set yourself up for fun and exciting swinging.

It’s totally normal and healthy to want to experience your sexuality outside of your current relationship.

It’s also normal to be scared. There are a lot of ways that swinging can go wrong, especially if it’s something you’ve never done before.  How can you get over your fears?  Is swinging right for you?

Make sure swinging is right for you.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My husband wants to start swinging, I would like too also but I was a virgin when we met at 15yrs old… and now 37yrs old to be with another man seems so weird and scary. How do I get past my nerves and fears?

- Sandy, Las Vegas

Making sure swinging is right for you

Swinging isn’t right for every couple. If the idea of swinging makes you and your partner feel extraordinarily uncomfortable, it’s certainly not something you have to force yourself to do.  If you and your partner are, however, interested in swinging, there are a few things you need to look at first before taking the plunge.

Are you both interested in swinging or is one partner pushing the other to do it?  If both partners aren’t equally interested in swinging, it could make for a disaster later on down the road when you’ve met up with another couple.  Talk to each other and make sure you’re both on the same page.

Is your relationship based on a solid foundation?  If it is, you have more of a chance of successfully swinging.  If your relationship has trust issues or self esteem issues embedded deep  within, you might end up making things worse for yourselves.  If you have issues, work them out before you start swinging.

Take it slowly.

If you and your partner have decided to swing, but never have before, it’s important to take things slowly — very slowly!  Jumping in to a full on swinging session when you’re not even familiar with the situation can make one or both partners feel very uncomfortable.

Start slow so you and your partner can really get a feel for what swinging is like, without having to jump in right away.  Visit swinging clubs in your area just to watch, or get on a swinging website to ask questions and get to know real couples who like to swing.

If you’re uncomfortable at all, say so!

You can use a code word with your partner or you can simply whisper in their ear, but if you’re uncomfortable it’s important that you speak up right then!  There’s no sense in letting something that makes you uncomfortable go on and on and then getting mad about it later. That will most certainly ruin swinging for both you and your partner.

If you know beforehand what types of activities will make you uncomfortable, make it known before you take the plunge into swinging. That way things that make you uncomfortable can be avoided.

All in all, swinging can be a lot of fun if it’s done with the right couple, if your relationship is strong and if you feel confident enough to voice your concerns if something doesn’t feel right to you.  You can set yourself up for swinging success and get over your fears by taking it slow and not doing anything that would put you in a compromising position.

Just relax and have fun, and you’ll be surprised where swinging with your partner can take you!

Many things come into play when you start thinking about sharing your partner with someone else – and there’s lots of room for hurt feelings, jealousy and even feelings for the outside partner.

How can you sort out whether or not having an open marriage is a good idea for you and your partner?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I’m married, have a child and pregnant with second. My husband introduce the idea of “Open Marriage”. I do not see signs of him cheating so this is not an excuse for him to seek affairs. I started to have straying thoughts lately, because of my unsatisfied sex life and a cute male co-worker. He is not the player type but he fell for me and he struggles like me.

If no one is happy in this situation, would the open marriage thing really be the cure? Is it worth it adjusting my personal views on open marriage? What do I do if I fall in love with the new guy but he is not as good as my husband in terms of being a dad? What do I say to my kids one day? I feel so bad, and I don’t know what to do. Please help me.

– Jane, California

How to know if an open marriage is right for you

First of all, it’s pretty much a known fact (or at least an unspoken one) that open marriages are exclusively for relationships that are strong.  Real strong.  Does that mean that people always abide by that?  Of course not!

Many people feel that an open relationship could possibly “fix” problems in a marriage or if they are bored or drifting apart that seeing other people (in addition to their relationship) is the answer.  This is far from the truth – in the majority of relationships that are on the rocks, deciding to have an open marriage ends up making things much, much worse.

You should only consider having an open marriage if you and your partner are extremely happy with each other, and your relationship is strong.  “Swinging” or an open marriage can definitely spice things up.

Part of finding out if your marriage is strong enough to handle an open relationship is asking yourself some difficult questions.  Why are you thinking about an open marriage?  Is your partner the one suggesting it?  Why do you think they are bringing it up?  If the answers to those questions are “sex” then you’re probably on the right track.

Open marriages and swinging are really all about experiencing a new level of sexual awareness that you and your partner have never had before.  It can be fun and exciting when the motives are purely sexual and there are no emotions involved.

When an open marriage is a bad idea

If your answers to those questions gravitate more towards the fact that you and your partner are looking to fill an emotional void that your current partner isn’t filling, you’re headed into dangerous waters.  That’s when you need to sit down and really think about your current relationship – are you and your partner really happy together?

If not, it’s something you need to work out before you and your partner start seeing other people in an open marriage.

Generally, if you and your partner are seeking an open relationship for healthy, sexual reasons and not because you’re unhappy with the other, you’re fine to try an open marriage.

If you find that you and your partner are unhappy with each other or unhappy with your marriage, an open relationship will really rock the boat and you’re much better off working to make your current marriage healthy or going your separate ways.

If having an open marriage is really what you and your partner want, then go for it.  Just make sure that you and your partner are completely open and honest with each other.  Talk to each other about your experiences and feelings about each other and about the situation.  Play it safe and play it smart sexually and you and your partner may end up growing closer together.

“If my (mother, boss, kids, etc…) knew what we do… they’d disown us! It would be a disaster!”

We have heard it 1,000 times. Interestingly, in most instances the opposite is the case. A countless number of couples have told us that when their family and friends did find out, things actually got better, not worse.

Coming Clean

In our case, Tess thought her conservative family would freak out if they discovered our personal lives (and our lifestyle related business!). Then, one New Year’s Day, we awoke to a phone call from her mom. Still groggy, Tess stepped over several of our naked friends, still sleeping from the house party the night before, and answered the phone.

After a quick “Happy New Year!”, her mom got right to the point – “Do you throw sex parties?” Stunned, Tess sunk into a chair and started to explain our “lifestyle” convention business and the rest of our “lifestyle” in more depth. Her mom didn’t say much and only asked a few questions, allowing Tess to fully explain, that morning, the secret part of our lives we had been living over the past 13 years.

…her mom got right to the point –
“Do you throw sex parties?”

When she thought she was finished, she braced for the onslaught she always knew would come her way, if or when her family found out. After a brief (but excruciating) moment of silence, her mom finally said, “Now everything makes sense.”

Apparently her mom had held a grudge for years, because she’d hear we were going to Jamaica, Mexico, Las Vegas, Miami, Chicago, Toronto, etc… She couldn’t figure out why we didn’t have more time to visit her while having plenty of time to vacation all around the world. Once she found out that these trips were actually business trips, she was more understanding. As a result, Tess and her mom grew closer.

I attribute a lot of that to simple communication. Once that weight was lifted from Tess’ shoulders, she and her mom talked a lot more often, and openly. We ended up visiting her more frequently. Her mom still doesn’t really understand why we would be interested in a “lifestyle” like ours, but I can tell you that she respects us both more now than before our secret came out.

More People Should Be Open

I wish more people could be open about their lifestyle choices and be accepted for who they are. I think many people are more accepting than we give them credit for. I think that many of our friends would accept us if they knew more about our lifestyle and I think some might even join us at a party or look into it themselves.

I’m not naive enough to think that every swinger would experience the same reaction from their family, friends or co-workers. I know some couples who have had their families petition courts for child custody, who have lost their jobs or, in extreme cases, have had criminal charges filed against them. It isn’t always rosy out there in the real world.

So what do you do when you think that someone would create a problem for you if they found out? You have to be prepared with your answers before you are confronted. What if you go to a swing club one weekend with your partner and then on Monday someone asks you both, “So what did you two do this weekend?” One of you blurts our “We went skiing” while the other one simultaneously says “We stayed home all weekend”… Busted!

The Swinger’s Alibi

You have to get your stories together before getting into that compromising situation. If you spent a week at Hedonism III Resort in Jamaica, you could jump out of the bus at Breezes for a few minutes to snap some pictures that you can show to your friends and family when you get home. You could buy a couple of postcards or T-shirts in the gift shop. Make sure you get a brochure so you can at least familiarize yourself with the photos of the property.

Better yet, tell them you bought the Superclubs “Superselect” package. It allows you to book at a super low rate and then Superclubs will randomly send you to one of their resorts once you land in Jamaica. You can then explain how shocked you were when they told you you had been chosen to go to Hedonism III instead of Grand Lido or Breezes.

This is a good way to admit to being at Hedo without it being your choice. It is also a good way to explain that Hedonism really wasn’t that crazy and that you were able to enjoy yourself on the “prude” side all week. You could even say how surprised you were by how nice and normal all the other guests at Hedo were… If they only knew!!!

Keeping Your Private Life Private

The main point is to have a clear and detailed story to fall back on. You are just trying to keep your private life private. But if a friend or family member thinks you’re not telling the truth, they are going to wonder what you are hiding. A boss might put up red flags that could hurt your performance reviews or advancement opportunities. The more organized you are as a team, the less questions you’ll have to field.

The “Shaggy” Defense

What happens if you are caught red handed? Just take a lesson from Shaggy (the hip-hop artist, not Scooby-Doo’s pal).

We knew a couple that had checked in a few days early for one of our lifestyle conventions. They were eager to see New Orleans and wanted to spend a few days sightseeing before the party got started. Unfortunately for them, a co-worker saw them driving up to the hotel check in.

They ran into the co-worker the following week. Here is how the conversation went:

Co-worker: “Hey, we saw you driving up to the Holiday Inn in New Orleans last week. Did you know they were having a swingers convention there?”

Couple: “It wasn’t me.”

Co-worker: “Yes, I saw you guys, you were in your new white SUV.”

Couple: “It wasn’t me”

Co-worker: “But I saw your dog, Angel, sitting on your lap. It had to be you.”

Couple: “It wasn’t me.”

You get the picture. Eventually, the co-worker actually believed he must have been seeing things. He was positive it was them, but it couldn’t have been if they were so adamant that they weren’t there. Sometimes those eyes do play tricks on us.

Those are three basic ways to handle unexpected questions. You can just admit to being a swinger and deal with the repercussions, you can come up with an alibi and keep your life private or you can simply deny, deny, deny.

Always be prepared for the unexpected moment when you have to decide on which avenue you are going to take. Stumbling, mumbling and bumbling through your answer will only make it obvious to everyone that you are indeed swingers.

Brought to you by Kasidie Swinger Lifestyle Magazine. To find swinger sex partners in your area, check out our favorite adult personals website.

Even married guys have the occasional “swinging” wet dream now and then.

However, facing the realities of actually sharing the love of your life with another man or woman for the first time gives rise to questions and insecurities that were never there before. How do you deal with them in a way that satisfies both partners?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Hi, I’ve fallen deeply in love with the woman of my dreams who happens to be bisexual but also an experienced swinger. I myself have fantasized about such things but have little experience. I am confused by my emotions of seeing my lady with another man. Although I am not bi I’m willing to experiment with another male for her, and its a funny thing that this causes less stress then seeing her with another man. I have no fear of sharing another woman with her, so why should sharing another man with her cause such worry? But it’s in the past why should it matter now? Is this a common fear for virgin male swingers like myself?

–Ric, London

Common First Time Swinger Concerns

If you find yourself in this situation for the first time, take a deep breath and relax. Really examine your feelings about swinging in general as well as your feelings about swinging with your current partner. Are you experiencing feelings of jealousy or insecurity?

These feelings are extremely normal when it comes to swinging for the first time, but it’s important to carefully consider each emotion and where it is coming from. If you’re insecure about your body, what can be done to make you feel better about yourself?

Do you have deeper seated jealousy issues that reflect feelings of ownership and control over your partner? You might not like the answers to these questions, but now is the time to be brutally honest with yourself.

Talk About It With Your Partner

It may be an uncomfortable conversation, but it’s important to chat a bit about what each of you are feeling before you take the swinging plunge. Are you concerned that your partner has done it before in the past? Are you unsure of how you’ll feel after the fact?

Take time to listen to what each of you has to say. Now is not the time to hold back feelings, emotions, ideas or opinions. If you don’t voice what you are thinking now, it most certainly will come back to haunt you after the fact. Perhaps you can come to an agreement about the how, when and where the swinging will take place – and most important of all, with whom.

Many experienced swingers caution against swinging with close friends, as feelings of jealousy, rage and insecurity can rip apart a friendship faster than a kid opening presents at Christmas.

Try It

The only way to be sure of how swinging will affect your relationship is to actually do it. That doesn’t mean you have to, but keep in mind that you will never know until you know.

After talking about the situation with your partner, you may have come to an agreement with them about swinging.If you feel that your relationship is strong enough to survive the possible outcomes of swinging, absolutely go for it. It might be more fun than you thought.

Just make sure that if you and your partner have set guidelines for each other, make sure to follow them to a T, even when you’re in the heat of the moment.

More importantly, discuss how you felt during the swinging with your partner afterwards. Were you uncomfortable? Were you unable to concentrate on pleasure because you were so overwhelmed with emotions?

If that’s the case, consider putting swinging on the shelf. If you were both comfortable with the situation and swinging was pleasurable for each partner, it may be something that you do on occasion. Just remember – what works for other couples might not work for you and vice versa. Stick with what is successful for your relationship because ultimately, it’s yours.

Over the course of my three marriages I have been encouraged by husbands to engage in a variety of interesting (and some downright bizarre) possible sexual behaviors.  Of course, I tended to marry sex addicts, so the range of possibilities stretched a lot further than my sensibilities.

Along the way, I’ve been “encouraged” to participate in all kinds of things that became problems later on.  Some of these were physically not a good idea, and I won’t go into that!

My first husband liked fantasies.  I am quite creative so I was able to come up with all kinds of fun and innocent stories to keep him excited.  I became good at playing the part and keeping things spicy – nothing dangerous or problematic there.  But then eventually with some of the stories, he liked the idea of making them happen.  These included other people.

While I can appreciate the desire to add spice and variety to the bedroom, I’ve discovered through my own (and others) experiences, there are some kinds of behaviors that are a set up for disaster.  When you open the door and invite another person into the intimate connection with your partner you are inviting in trouble.

Now, in theory, I will conjecture that there are couples secure enough with each other where they can have flings with other people and not do any perceivable damage to their relationship.  I’ve just never seen it happen that way personally…

Dan and Jennifer’s comments:

While this is one experience, Dan and I have seen many successful open/swinging relationships… Even though we don’t agree with with everything in this article, we wanted to publish it to show what can happen when you get into swinging for the wrong reasons.

It is critical to be honest with yourself and you partner. Never allow another person to ‘push’ you into something that you’re not comfortable with. For a swinging relationship to be successful, it has to be something that both partners want, not just grudgingly agree to.

What tends to happen is that one member of the couple is more motivated than the other to pursue the “Swinger” lifestyle.  For whatever reason, having one sexual partner for the rest of their life is not appealing, but they like having a life partner.

Therefore that partner encourages the other to participate in this “exciting” adventure of “Swinging”.  Then both partners agree to it using certain ground rules.

Unfortunately, most of us are driven by feelings and impulses that have little to do with rational thought.  So then here we are, for whatever reason, in a three or four-some with our significant other being sexual, or maybe we are just swapping.  Either way, we have added unpredictable dimensions into the intimate setting of our sexual and personal relationship with our partner.

What’s predictable about it is that someone will end up hurt.  The “ground rules” will be broken and someone ends up feeling betrayed and hurt.  But, because the boundaries of the relationships fidelity were broken by the entire process of  “Swinging” already, the “acting out” partner feels like they have done nothing “wrong”.

Dan and Jennifer’s comments:

This is where we completely disagree. It is NOT guaranteed that someone will get hurt.

In a swinging relationship, the only time someone gets hurt is when one person breaks the rules or is dishonest, or is not open about their feelings. It’s critical to communicate openly and honestly about your feelings before, during, and after any sexual experience with another individual or couple.

We can’t say this enough! Swinging or Open Relationships are only for couples who are VERY secure in their relationship and have enough self confidence to prevent jealousy issues. Swinging is NOT a relationship fix…

After all, the injured partner already said it’s “okay” to have sex with other people.

Often this ends the relationship and on painful terms, at least for the partner whose ground rules were broken.

Linda and Mark had been dating for about four years, and they had a very active, passionate sex life.  Mark had encouraged Linda to try all kind of things that had been outside the range of her previous history, but because they pleased Mark, Linda enjoyed them.  Over time, Mark pushed the boundaries even further.  He wanted to experience having sex with two women at one time.

Linda admitted to being curious about what that would be like, so they found a willing partner.  For a while, they enjoyed this three-some with jubilance and it added a lot to their excitement for each other. When they were not having sex with her, they were fantasizing about having sex with her.  Before long, though, Linda found herself wanting time with the girl alone, without Mark.  She didn’t see the harm in it, after all, having sex with another woman was not breaking their marital vows was it?

Unfortunately, Mark did not feel that way when he found them together one night when he arrived home early from work.  Mark felt betrayed and could never look at Linda the same way again. Their relationship did not survive.

Dan and Jennifer’s comments:

Duh! Are we the only ones who see the problem here? Cheating is a breaking of trust. Having sex with another person without your partners agreement is cheating! Had she talked to Mark about her feelings, this situation could have been avoided all together.

So to us, this example represents an underlying communication issue. Linda did not feel comfortable sharing her feelings with Mark. That’s what broke them up – not the other girl…

Jane and Richard had been married for about three years when Richard started pushing Jane to go to “Swingers clubs” and see if there was a couple that they both agreed they’d like to engage in sex with.  Jane was uncertain, but she went and eventually did find a couple they agreed upon.  Richard loved this and told Jane how crazy he was about her and that he was really happy.

Richard bought Jane gifts and seemed to be happier than Jane had ever seen him. She felt good about her choices.  One night they went to a bar together, to meet yet another potential “Swinger” couple.  But this time only the woman was there.  Richard became flirtatious and “handsy” with the other woman.  He would pat Jane reassuringly occasionally.

Jane’s heart was broken.  From this point, she tried to pull back and change the “ground rules” for their relationship. Richard wouldn’t hear of it, and decided they should separate and re-evaluate their relationship.

Dan and Jennifer’s comments:

So why was Jane’s heart broken? What was she expecting – a night of poker? They were going to meet swingers…

Did she tell him how his made her feel at the time, or did she just get jealous and brood over it the whole evening?

If you’re ever in a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable – deal with right then. Letting an issue fester over night, or for days, can ruin your relationship because the jealousy monster takes over pretty quickly and likes to stay in control. Also, rather than backing away completely, perhaps Jane could have expressed her feelings in a non-threatening way and asked Richard to not do that again.

I feel that there’s more to this story than what we’re being told here.  It’s rarely one incident that  turns the tide…

Again – talk, talk, talk!!! Most of these issues could easily be avoided with a little honestly and open communication.

In both cases, the “Swinging” started out as something “fun and exciting” and ended up breaking hearts.  Why?

For one thing, the relationships we have are fragile gifts not to be toyed with in the way we sometimes have a tendency to do.  Our connections are more fragile than we think they are and our ability to let someone into our innermost layers is dependent on a lot of factors.

To learn more about the swinger lifestyle check out our Swinger Sex Channel for tons of great articles and videos.

To find swinger sex partners in your area, check out our favorite adult personals website.

Most men love the idea of seeing their woman have sex with another woman while they watch, or the idea of having two women have sex with him at the same time.

But threesome fantasies don’t stop there…

There are also men out there, who love the idea of watching their woman have sex with another man.

Here’s an interesting question.  If a man enjoys the idea of watching his woman have sex with another man, does this make him gay?

Here’s a question from Michael whose fantasies have him wondering about his sexuality.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My girlfriend and I have talked jokingly about threesomes in the past. But recently she’s been bringing up the idea more often. I’m worried about what she would want afterwards like if she’d wanna bring home a guy. I don’t know how to respond…

I have entertained the thought of watching her have sex with another man while I watch. Would that make me gay to enjoy watching it? Also, I had more homo erotic thoughts but haven’t gotten hard around a guy that’s straight.

Am I just curious, confused or bi?

– Michael, Massachusetts

Does This Mean I’m Gay?

We’re all sexual beings. We all have a unique ideas and fantasies, things that turn us on. Don’t get stuck on labels and just consider yourself ‘sexual’. It’s very common, and very exciting for most men, to think of their girlfriend as bi-curious, but most men get a little nervous when they think of a bi-curious boy.

But on that topic… We ran an online dating site for over three years and were very surprised by the large number of bisexual or bi-curious men. It’s not as uncommon as you might like to think.

There’s nothing wrong with being bi-curious, bisexual, or gay. That’s just your sexual preference. The sooner you get in touch with your own sexual preferences and desires, the happier and more fulfilled your sex life will be.

On The Topic Of Threesomes

So the idea of watching your partner with another man or woman that you really excited – and you have talked to one another enough to know that it gets your partner excited as well…

Here three tips to help make your first threesome more successful:

1. Talk About It

Before you and your partner set out to act out your fantasies of having a threesome, it’s critical that you both talk about it and understand why you want to do it. It’s also important to talk about what kind of threesome you are interested in.

Do you want to see your girlfriend with another woman, or perhaps another man. Do you want to see your boyfriend with another woman or another man. Do you both want to be intimately involved, or you prefer to just watch.

It’s also important to talk about who this third person will be. Will it be a close friend?  Will it be a stranger? Do you want to be friends with him or her afterword are you just looking for one night stand? What should his or her age be? What should they look like?

It’s important to talk about the details up front so that you don’t end up fighting over something silly halfway down the road…

2. Set Boundaries And Stick To Them

Boundaries…

This is an important one that many people overlook. Before your first threesome, and your second, and your third, talk about what’s OK and what’s not. Where is your comfort zone? Where is your partners comfort zone? Are there any actions that are forbidden?

It’s a worthwhile exercise to actually take the time to write down what is OK and one is not. We have some good friends who jokingly refer to their first list… it must’ve been 100 items long. You can do this.  You can’t do that.  This is OK.  That’s not. — Now they have just two runs a list away. That works for them. Your list may get longer. The important thing here is that you talk about it and agree on the ground rules before during and after.

3.  Try It And Then Talk About It Some More

Once everyone’s happy and feels COMPLETELY comfortable, go for it. Try it. See how it feels and talk about those feelings. What surprised you? What didn’t? Did the experience go as you expected it? Do you want to do it again?

Hopefully by now you get the point…

Communication is critical in your relationship and even more important when you bring other people into the relationship.

We can’t say it enough… Talk. Talk.  Talk.

And then one evening, maybe after a few drinks by the pool, you start to notice that they’re really hot, you start feeling some sexual tension all around, and you start having these ‘thoughts’…

You might actually like to have sex with them!

Those thoughts are typically followed by thoughts like “Am I a bad person?“, “Do they feel the same way?”, “What will my partner think?”.

Soon your head is spinning… What do you do? Do you act on these feelings or just keep them as your secret fantasies?

Here’s a question from Randy who seems to have some really hot neighbors!

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

A few years ago, we had a younger couple move next door to us. The sexual tone between us and the other couple is ever increasing.

I’m interested in having sex with them but I am not sure about my wife. I haven’t shared my feelings with her yet. I’m very open regarding my sexual life. Should I be looking for clues regarding to the possibility of swinging with them?

This would be a first for us but I think it would be a lot of fun as long as guideline and rules are followed such as the one posted in your site.

– Randy, Washington

First Time Swingers

If you’re thinking about swinging with your partner for the first time, we have one rule above all others…

TALK To Your Partner. It’s not going to happen without them.

If you’re a man, there’s one more thing you need to understand. In the swinging community, the women control the show. If she’s not interested, again – it’s not going to happen.

There are a lot of different ways that you can approach her to find out if she’s at least curious about swinging. Talk to her, hint around a bit, make her feel safe talking seductively about other women and men, etc.

You’ll need to know if she’s at least curious about other women and or men. And, you’ll need to ask yourself this question – “How do you feel about her being with another man or couple?”.

All of these questions need to be addressed upfront to reduce the likelihood of hurt feelings later.

How Do We Know If They Want To Play With Us?

As to whether or not the other couple is interested, ask yourself if you’re feeling sexual tension between the four of you.

Listen to your gut, your intuition. If you do, you’ll always know when somebody is lying to you, you’ll always know when someone likes you, and you’ll always know if someone, or everyone, in the room wants to get it on or not.

If you just listen to yourself and trust your instincts – you’ll know.

If you’re feeling it, everyone else is too. There’s a big difference in you being attracted to someone and lots of mutual sexual tension in the air. That kind of energy is too hot to miss. You’ll know the difference if you just listen and pay attention.

Your First Time

If you’re going to have sex with someone other than your spouse, whether you call it swinging, wife swapping, or a threesome… Your first time should probably NOT be with your neighbors, your co-workers, or with your casual couple friends – unless you’re all very clear about it and are very comfortable about it.

If it goes weird, and the first time is much more likely to go weird, you run the risk of losing a friendship. So be very cautious about swinging with someone that you know and that your going to hang out with everyday.

Similar to an office romance… It’s not normally a good idea.

There are plenty of people who enjoy swinging on a regular basis. We recommend that your first time be with a more experienced couple that you can learn from and get an understanding of the lifestyle and how it typically works.

There are lots of great dating websites and swinger clubs where you can just go to look, flirt, and get comfortable before diving in head first.

And again… Talk to each other openly and honestly about your feelings as they come up – before, during, and after!

But there’s more to a great sex life than endless sexual adventures and erotic games.

It’s not even about those amazing mind-shattering orgasms that many have heard about, but few have ever experienced.

The real secret lies in really playing together and being completely open with your lover, your playmate, your partner in crime. Open up and share your fantasies, and indulge your partner in theirs. That’s the well kept secret of those with the truly incredible sex lives.

Here’s a question from a woman who would love to enhance her and her husband’s sex life by having sex with some of their friends, but she’s terribly afraid of what others will think of her…

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Hi this is a tough question for me because we were asked to do something with some friends of ours that I thought I would never do. They asked us to have sex with them!

Is it possible to have sex with this couple and still remain friends with each other? We do a lot together and I can see the sexual tension between all of us. We want to do it but we are not sure how to start it.

There are also kids. I don’t want to do anything with the kids around is that a smart idea. I really want to do this but I am nervous and scared and don’t know what to do. We all know that we love our spouses and that sex is as far as it will go.

Am I a bad person for wanting to have sex with someone else other than my husband? He is the only one I have had sex with. I have a lot of mixed emotions about this and I need some advice. We are all really good friends and don’t want to ruin our friendship either please help me. What should I do?

– Heather, Iowa

So… How About a Threesome? Or Maybe Even Swinging?

In expanding their sex lives, many couples come across that point where they consider a threesome – or even consider inviting another couple into their bedroom. Gasp!

Sure, bringing another woman into their bed is possibly the most popular male fantasy of all time. But finding that ever elusive single girl that likes to play with couples in her spare time is more challenging than some might think.

Fact is, most single girls like to go out and have sex with single men – not with couples.

Of course there’s a lot of social stigmas around “swinging”, but the reality today is very different. Rather than the old “wife swapping” lifestyle of decades past, some couples today choose to try new things to spice up their sex life, and this new thing may or may not include playing with other singles or couples.

This is not about “swinger groupies” – people who don’t care about much other than having sex with others in large orgies, and hanging out at swinger lifestyle conventions. It’s about a couple experimenting and trying a new thing or another to add more spice to their sex life. THAT’S IT!

What’s truly amazing is that for something with such stigma, over 20 million Americans engage in sex multiple partners, together with their spouses. And the most popular adult personals site shows a consistent number in each state, regardless of religious or political stereotypes.

Are you a bad person if you WANT to have sex with your friends?

Think back… maybe back to your college days. Have you ever had one of those late nights hanging out with some friends, another couple? You know the feeling… you’ve all had a little too much to drink, and card games are starting to become a contact sport. You look around the room and everyone’s feeling the excitement, the sexual tension.

And while you’re pretty excited to cross a boundary here, you’re terrified. Are you suddenly a bad person? Are you taking advantage of your friends? Are they taking advantage of you? Is it cheating to be even having those thoughts? Are you asking way too many questions for the amount of alcohol you’ve consumed?

Is It Cheating to Have Sex with Someone Other Than Your Partner?

That certainly depends on how you define cheating. It’s kind of hard for you two to be cheating on each other while you’re BOTH enjoying something together, isn’t it?

Cheating is a breaking of the sacred trust in your relationship. Cheating is being dishonest and going behind your partners back. When you’re both enjoying a fun, new adventure together, that’s not what we’d call cheating.

But BEWARE. While it’s not technically cheating, there are a few things that could go very wrong if you’re not careful.

You MUST have excellent and very open communication, and a great, solid relationship to start with, or this could tear your relationship apart. Swinging, or the broader concept of an “open relationship” is definitely not a crutch to fix, or patch, a failing relationship. It can only work for a couple whose relationship is steady and strong enough to withstand the emotional torrent that could be unleashed when you bring new people into your intimate relationship.

And as with regular sex between single partners, be very sure to practice safe sex, and know your playmates before you get too personal. Play it safe so you can have more fun.

What Will Your Friends and Family Say? How About Your Minister?

It doesn’t matter! Not at all. It is simply not any of their business, whatsoever. Period.

Some people make the tragic mistake of involving their family in their sex lies. This is a bad idea and will lead to arguments in all but the best of situations.

While it’s not always the case, in general, as a society we’re just not yet evolved enough to handle this type of discussion at the dinner table – largely because of the silly but amazingly widespread taboo around all things sexual in our culture.

So make your decision together with your partner, and go with what feels right to the two of you. While your family and friends may think they have your best interest at heart, they are not living your life – you are! Do what feels right to you.

Rather, it’s regular people, many of whom are highly educated professionals, expanding their already happy, healthy, and often exotic sex lives to include what some are calling “swinging”.

The shock for most people comes when they realize their neighbor Joe and his wife occasionally get together for drinks and some kinky sex with their other neighbors Bob and Suzy from two doors down.

“Wow, that happens here?” Absolutely, and much more often than you think…

But here comes the culture shock… Eventually people “in the lifestyle” end up paired with people who are not really open to this type of sexual adventure.

For instance, a man who has previously enjoyed a very open sex life with his previous wife starts dating a woman who is not very open to swinging. She may try it once or twice for his sake, but then decide it’s not for her. Worse yet, she’s afraid he’ll cheat on her because he’s used to having more sexual freedom. So what can she do?

Time away from something you want does NOT make you want it less.

She can ask him to stop it and stay away from seeing his former swinger friends and playmates.

But just saying no to something you enjoy, whether it’s ice cream or swinging and other aspects of an exotic, adventurous sex life, will not make your desire for it fade. This is basic human psychology… take away something you like, and you want it that much more. This is why most diets fail.

Can you quit swinging and just go cold turkey?

Is the problem that he’s swinging, or is it more basic than that?

It’s not really about whether he’s been swinging in the past or not. It’s about the fact that he had a very liberated sex life and he may no longer be OK in the long term with a more tame sexual experience.

He may agree not to do it any longer, but that doesn’t mean he’ll be happy and content with his new sex life.

Sexual incompatibility is one of the biggest problems in many relationships.

The reality is that not all people are a match sexually, and that can cause all kinds of stress and relationship problems. And yes, it can lead to break ups and divorce.

It’s crucial to realize that you may simply not be sexually compatible with your partner. It’s not very common, but occasionally two people are just not going to be a sexual match.

Jealousy and insecurity is one of the few major issues facing couples in the swinging lifestyle.

Most couples who enjoy the swinger lifestyle do it BECAUSE they have a strong and happy relationship and a great sex life to begin with. And for these couples, jealousy is not usually much of an issue. After all, you’re either OK with your spouse having sex with another person (or multiple other persons), or you’re not.

But the jealousy monster can still strike. But just what is jealousy?

At the core of it, jealousy reflects a person’s inner insecurities that they are not good enough and their partner may find someone better. It also reflects the need to control their partner. If they control what their partner does, then they won’t leave or find someone else.

In reality, neither of these things is true. The best way to keep your partner from finding someone ‘better’ is to be truly confident in yourself and love yourself unconditionally – only then can you truly love another person.

So can you trust someone who’s been in the swinger lifestyle for years to go cold turkey and be completely monogamous and content with only his wife?

Here’s a question from a lady in Texas struggling with the dire possibility of losing her husband…

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My husband has a rather extensive swinging history. When we first met, I tried it with him a few times but due to my own jealousy and insecurities, it was not enjoyable. I chose to not continue. We talked about it and he said that it was OK that he loved me and did not want to jeopardize our future. He said, “Then we won’t do it, it’s no big deal.”

Recently, I found out that he has been carrying on with a woman on the internet and recently tried to kiss a woman after he had had a few drinks. He said that he will always enjoy the lifestyle and that he misses it. Where do I go from here? I feel awful and very uncertain about my future with him.

I don’t need to have sex with other people to feel happy and fulfilled. I love my husband. Obviously he does not feel the same way.

Will time away from swinging help to get it off of his mind? I want him to be happy with me and our marriage. I don’t want to feel like he resents me or worry that he is going to cheat on me to get what he wants, needs and misses.

– Lynne, Texas

Exclusivity is not what you typically think of when you talk about the swinger lifestyle. Few in the swinger community would consider it cheating to play with multiple couples and partners without consulting them. It’s important to remember that swinging is largely about expanding an individual or a couple’s sex lives, and not usually about extending the romantic circle.

What about polyamory?

Some consider polyamory to be a more enlightened approach to swinging, though it’s really a very different animal. With polyamory, a couple will actually expand their love and romantic relationship to truly include others, not just for the occasional fun and sexual fantasies.

For many, the idea of swinging is really a stretch… polyamory is even more so because we’re no longer talking about being committed to a single person.

Can you expect an exclusive relationship with another couple?

People are interesting in their expectations, and since we’re all unique, nothing is really too far fetched to be expected. Think about an exclusive relationship between two people. It slowly evolves from the casual meeting, a few dates, and eventually exclusivity where you’re no longer seeing other people.

It’s entirely possible for two couples to also become close over time, and for some of the players to develop closer feelings for each other. In this case it’s definitely possible for one couple to get jealous when the other couple sees other people. No, it’s not the regular traditional lifestyle experience, but it definitely does happen on occasion.

And when it does…

Don’t talk with your family about your sex life and your exotic sexual fantasies

It’s always great to share our lives with our loved ones… not just our romantic partners, but also our blood families.

BUT… this can sometimes lead to problems, especially when we’re talking about parts of our lives that are not viewed as “acceptable” or “mainstream” by some segments of society.

This can happen when parents share intimate details of their sex lives with their grown children, as well as those same grown children sharing with their parents.

At first this seems to go against what we normally believe in, but stay with us here. Countless fights and arguments start when people share too much about their sex lives with their families.

We’re generally very adamant on having very open and honest communication in relationships, whether those are romantic relationships, family relationship, or friend relationships.

However we are not yet evolved and enlightened enough as a society, where your family (i.e. your parents, siblings) can have an open and honest discussion with you about your sex life and sexual preferences without judging you and without digressing into some type of fight or argument.

Hopefully our society will evolved to this point in the coming years, but by an large we’re just not there yet. Certainly there are some exceptions to this (as there are to anything based on a standard deviation), but if you want to play it safe – keep your sex life between you and your partner.

SO… Should you demand and exclusive relationship with another couple??  Shat what can you do if you’ve shared your dilemma with your family and they’re going nuts?

Here’s a question from a couple in Maryland facing this very frustrating problem…

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My husband and I have now experienced swinging with two different couples. The first happened slowly over a long period of time with a couple that we were very close to. The second couple we found through a swinging website. We met them a few times to get to know each other and then met them for a sexual encounter. Ever since then, things have been a mess. We shared with the first couple that we had been with the second couple. They did not handle it well at all. They felt hurt and betrayed, especially the woman, whom I am extremely close to. I thought that our friendship was in jeopardy. I ended up talking to my father about how upset I was about this problem that I was having with my friend. I ended up telling him about my swinging experiences- BIG MISTAKE! He was very upset and my stepmother, who he told, was even more upset. So, my husband and I are finding a way to rebuild our relationship with the first couple, minus the sex. I am working through things with my dad. My stepmother is still concerned that we are going to rot in hell. With all of this happening, I am really struggling with the idea of swinging again. My husband wants to, of course. I am seriously struggling with whether it is immoral and sinful. Besides, with everything that has happened, I don’t have a good feeling about preceding forward. How can I make my husband understand this? He is extremely disappointed that I am not interested in continuing to swing, at least for now, and maybe forever. I know that this is long and complicated, but I am really in need of some advice. Please respond. Thanks.

– Jennifer, Maryland

While Texas may be perceived as a highly religious and conservative stronghold, deep in the heart of the Bible Belt, it’s beat out only by California, and Florida is a close 3rd in the number of adults actively looking for sex on the internet.

Are we making this up? Now way!

These revealing numbers are reported by one of the largest adult web sites on the internet. The numbers will really surprise you… 

If you don’t already know, Adult Friend Finder is the largest sex and swinger personals web site on the internet today with 22,319,717 members. That’s almost identical to the population of Texas which is 23,507,783. Hmmm… That’s a lot of people on just this one website.

What is a sex and swinger personals web site? Well, it’s basically a dating site for singles and couples looking for sex. What many people don’t realize is that Adult Friend Finder gets more visitors every day than Match.com and eHarmony put together!

That’s no big surprise. But what IS a surprise is that Texas is ranked #2 in the number of subscribers to this web site.

Here is the state by state breakdown of the top sex enthusiasts in the U.S., according to Adult Friend Finder:

• California – 1.2 million (That’s 3.3% of the state population)
• Texas – 800,000 (That’s 3.4% of the state population)
• Florida – 743,000 (That’s 4.1% of the state population)
• New York – 660,000 (That’s 3.4% of the state population)
• Illinois – 429,000 (That’s 3.3% of the state population)

Wow, what’s truly amazing here is that Texas – the heart of the Bible Belt – is #2 in all of the U.S. with a larger percentage of the population subscribing than California!

Is Texas shedding it’s ultra conservative facade? Or will the truth remain buried behind closed doors with faceless pictures on the top sex personals sites like Adult Friend Finder?

Here are some more interesting facts about sex on the internet 

While it’s difficult to identify the exact number of internet users, ComScore Media Metrix reports 4% of all Web traffic and 2% of all time spent Web surfing involved an adult site.

• According to a recent study by Google, adult content is the most sought after content by users with cellphones. Google’s team found that 20 percent of searches on cellphones were for adult content, while only 5 percent of searches on PDAs were for it. The researchers sifted through 1 million searches by users of their mobile search software to come up with these numbers.
• The AVN Annual Survey of the Adult Industry 2006 asserts that the adult entertainment industry is nearly a $13 billion business in 2006, mostly in the form of adult videos. But the delivery mechanism is changing… Internet sales of adult content, which includes images, live-chat and live-streaming video, has now become the second largest adult entertainment segment, with 22 percent of the market or $2.8 billion in sales.

So, are more than 23 million people wrong? Or are the rules and social stigmas against sex and enjoying our sexuality outdated remnants of the Victorian age?

Obviously the demand is there, but so are the ultra conservative religious extremists and the lawmakers that they keep in their pockets. Which explains why prostitution is still illegal in most states and certain sexual acts between consenting adults are illegal in the privacy of their own homes. The fact that consenting adults cannot do whatever they choose in the privacy of their own homes, without causing harm to anyone, is outrageous!

This is also why Janet Jackson was persecuted for her wardrobe malfunction during the Superbowl a few years back (the most replayed moment in TiVo history) and Chicago TV reporter, Amy Jacobson, was persecuted for doing an interview in her swimsuit. Exactly what is wrong with a breast and a belly button anyway? Really… Stop and think about that for just a moment.

When will we say enough is enough?