SUBSCRIBEHey, Are You Guys Swingers?
We have heard so many stories about couples that were confronted or "outed" by friends, family or co-workers about their "lifestyle" and they simply didn’t know what to say. Caught off guard, they stumbled, mumbled and bumbled through their explanation, leaving little or no doubt that they were indeed "Swingers".
"If my (mother, boss, kids, etc…) knew what we do… they’d disown us! It would be a disaster!"
We have heard it 1,000 times. Interestingly, in most instances the opposite is the case. A countless number of couples have told us that when their family and friends did find out, things actually got better, not worse.
Coming Clean
In our case, Tess thought her conservative family would freak out if they discovered our personal lives (and our lifestyle related business!). Then, one New Year’s Day, we awoke to a phone call from her mom. Still groggy, Tess stepped over several of our naked friends, still sleeping from the house party the night before, and answered the phone.
After a quick "Happy New Year!", her mom got right to the point – "Do you throw sex parties?" Stunned, Tess sunk into a chair and started to explain our "lifestyle" convention business and the rest of our "lifestyle" in more depth. Her mom didn’t say much and only asked a few questions, allowing Tess to fully explain, that morning, the secret part of our lives we had been living over the past 13 years.
…her mom got right to the point –
"Do you throw sex parties?"
When she thought she was finished, she braced for the onslaught she always knew would come her way, if or when her family found out. After a brief (but excruciating) moment of silence, her mom finally said, "Now everything makes sense."
Apparently her mom had held a grudge for years, because she’d hear we were going to Jamaica, Mexico, Las Vegas, Miami, Chicago, Toronto, etc… She couldn’t figure out why we didn’t have more time to visit her while having plenty of time to vacation all around the world. Once she found out that these trips were actually business trips, she was more understanding. As a result, Tess and her mom grew closer.
I attribute a lot of that to simple communication. Once that weight was lifted from Tess’ shoulders, she and her mom talked a lot more often, and openly. We ended up visiting her more frequently. Her mom still doesn’t really understand why we would be interested in a "lifestyle" like ours, but I can tell you that she respects us both more now than before our secret came out.
More People Should Be Open
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Come out, come out, wherever you are!
Everyone should come clean with their kinky business, it’s better that way.
I write a sex blog and I know that my writing about super personal details about my sex life and what goes on in my head helps other people feel better about what they have going on (or WANT going on!)
Let’s make it hip to be open and honest.
(This said, I do feel bad for a swinger couple I know who live in a very small town and was outed by local teenagers messing around online posting fake swinger ads. I’m not sure how it all went down, but it would have been nice had they said, “Yeah we’re swingers, what’s it to you?” instead of feeling all ashamed. They weren’t doing anything wrong!)
Absolutely share it with your kids and family. Not only will you help others understand that it’s a valid, enlightened choice, you will take away the misconception that swinging is a lurid, immoral behavior (see recent news regarding the Stone/Spitzer affair). Besides, don’t you want your children to grow up knowing that sexual freedom is a good thing?
Not everyone enjoys non monogamy but swingers can be regular people and deserve to be out of the closet. It can be tough for kids who grow up in that lifestyle though, who feel that if they are monogamous they are prudes. Swingers need to keep their sex lives separate from their children otherwise they will be very resentful and need lots of therapy!