Open Marriage - How Can I Convince My Husband? (Video)

13 Responses to “Open Marriage - How Can I Convince My Husband? (Video)”

1. Grace on June 4th, 2007 5:21 am

   How do you find the TIME?!?

   I am NOT married and I don’t have kids - but I can’t imagine how you can even THINK that you can fit more in your life, let alone how you manage all this, already…

   Dan & Jennifer’s response is wonderfully on-topic (as in: a direct response to your question) and non-judgemental, but I can’t help but wonder whether you are asking yourself the right questions…

   I don’t mean to be ridiculously romantic or sentimental (nor religious) here, but couldn’t it possibly be that your MARRIAGE needs to be looked at, with a bit more care, and the desire to invest some more insighful effort into it? After all, there must have been ’something’ there, when you married…and your children are at delightful young ages, which suggests that perhaps you have only been married maybe 7 years or so…?

   The urge to tell about an affair is really about unburdening yourSELF. There is nothing to be gained FOR HIM in telling. Think about this. As D&J say, telling may risk the marriage and the family.

   Likewise, if you go the way of the ‘open’ arrangement, think first of what will protect your kids…

2. teejay on June 5th, 2007 12:34 am

   First of all, let me qualify my comments by letting you know that I am not married but in a committed relationship and that we are swingers. I will also let you know that I was married for over 20 years to someone who is still in many ways one of my best friends. We had an active sex life with some swinger-type encounters, however toward the end of the marriage I was very unfilled because other issues in the marriage (break down in communications, mistrust, resentment, etc.) affected the bedroom.

   That said, I have to say that your situation comes off as very selfish to me. People typically don’t open the marriage or swing because one person is having an affair and wants to parlay their guilt. Swinging/open marriages only work when BOTH parties are very much in love, secure with their relationship and simply want to enhance the intimacy they have together. Swinging simply brings an extra excitement to spice up their sex life - the same reason people share porn or play with sex toys together. What you are suggesting is to have your cake and eat it too.

   Do yourself a huge favor and try to work on the marriage first. If it cant be worked out, then work out an amicable separation where you can remain great friends and great co-parenters to your children. You, your husband and your children will all be better off in the end.

3. Matt on June 6th, 2007 5:52 am

   How can you sit there and say you respect your husband when you’ve been cheating on him? Do you normally lie to people you respect? The main thing is that you want to have your cake and eat it too. So many times I’ve heard people talk about the grass being greener, and break up marriages because of it. It’s one thing to say you won’t be jealous, but what happens if you set your husband free and he finds someone he likes more? Two things:
   you will become jealous, and then you would justify the fact that you’ve been cheating on him for the past two years by telling yourself he never really loved you in the first place. You want him to share in your adultery because you’ve already done it. Allowing your husband to have the same “freedom” you have just because you’ve already been doing it for two years isn’t going to make him feel better. Role reversal…if he approached you and said, “Hey honey, I’ve been having an affair for two years because you haven’t been fulfilling all my needs, so I think we should have an open marriage now.” Sounds like a line of bull from a man-hating Lifetime movie if you ask me. It’s the same old story…drug users try to get their friends to do drugs…alcoholics and smokers prefer company of the same. Don’t try to manipulate your husband into making the same mistake you made, jeopardizing your kids and marriage, because you can’t keep your legs together. And don’t give that line of bull about being a victim…please…a dedicated man who is responsible, faithful, and a wonderful father would be something that the 50% of this country’s women who are divorced would long for. You are being selfish, thinking only of your loins and not the impact this will have on your marriage and kids. If you lack intimacy, you need counseling, not another man.

4. Grace on June 6th, 2007 11:37 am

   As a woman who broke up her family because of an affair, let me tell you this: DON’T. You will regret it one day, deeply.
   You will regret it every holiday, every graduation, every wekeend when your kids are like ping pong balls between parents house, you will regret it when the grandkids come and you can’t share that happiness with your ex-husband, you will regret it every vacation when you have to share your kids with him, you will regret it at funerals, weddings, etc. See how Hollywood is sending a strong message against divorce in their movies (watch “Little Children” and “Click”).

   I remarried but it’s not the same feeling. The family unit is lost and I deeply regret having put my daughters through it all.
   I thought only about myself, I was selfish. But I understand the consequences of what I did.

   And forget about the open marriage BS, it doesn’t work. It will lead straight to divorce.

5. E on June 6th, 2007 1:31 pm

   I have 3 daughters and didn’t divorce until they were all in there 20’s. Although he wasn’t a good father or husband, what the lady before me said, nothing is the same. I still yearn for the family unit and it isn’t the same on the special occasions like the birth of a grandchild etc. There is a void that can never be filled. If you have a good man and father you better work hard on the rest of it. After 3 mths with one person fulltime the initial excitement will diminish then it’s back to real life. If you want a lifetime of snip’s and pieces of someone, forget what really matters in life and just keep on thinking about yourself because that’s what you are doing. Matter of fact that’s what so many people are doing and that’s what’s so sad for the children—it’s them that always hurtthe most. Life is difficult and you just wantto make it more difficult. If the man is an abuser get rid of him otherwise get over it.

6. Kevin on June 6th, 2007 1:37 pm

   All i can say is That it seems to me she wants the other man but doesnt want to loose the financial support !!! she has been cheating already which means in her eyes the marriage is dead she just doesnt want to lose the $$$$$

7. Chris on June 6th, 2007 2:00 pm

   She says that her husband isn’t capable of intimacy? How can he be when the woman he is trying to be intimate with has closed (at least a part of) herself off for the last 2 years while hiding an affair? He’s going to know she’s hiding something, even if not consciously, he will feel the tension inside her. It’s hard to be intimate without relaxation.

   Maybe the open marriage would work, but I doubt it. Those I know of in open marriages had the marriages open from the start… and they generally have rules including non-involvement with the other sexual partners. Affairs are out of the question because the potential for jealousy and attachment with the new partner is too great.

   Her attitude toward her husband is all wrong, she’s objectifying him as a source of income and “support”, without trusting him with her heart. To me it sounds like she’s the one who’s incapable of intimacy.

8. Dad of 3 on June 6th, 2007 2:50 pm

   I agree mostly with the flow of the comments here, in that telling her husband is only to assuage her guilt. Although truth is important, it must be tempered with justice and mercy. She’s looking for mercy, and feels telling the truth will help her, but she’s forgetting justice. She has lied, and cheated - and done so for at least 2 years as admitted. Legally he has the right to divorce, and in some states, the divorce would favor him because of her actions. She stands to lose her kids, her house, and (apparently for her) her provider. The problem is the marriage, and as with most problems a real solution will involve both parties. I believe she MAY be able to someday tell him (while asking forgiveness), but it needs to be after she has stopped the affairs, I’d say at least a couple of months after. The reason for the delay, is that if she were to stop today and tell him tomorrow, how can he know she will not start again the day after tomorrow? She needs to build trust in herself before she can ask her husband to begin trusting her again after she worked for 2 years to destroy that trust - all in order to satisfy her “needs”. Marriage is about giving, and includes trust. If you want a roommate, so you can play the field to “satisfy your needs”, the by all means tell him and get rid of your guilt. If you want a marriage, with trust on both sides then leave your affairs, practice what you promised when you got married (love, honor, etc.) and get into some counseling. In/after the counseling, and after you’ve both learned to trust again, you will be able to talk about your needs and how you can both work to ensure your needs are met - because they’re important. However, while your needs are important, they’re not more important than the marriage - which is how you’ve been acting.

9. Ronnie on June 12th, 2007 10:03 am

   First of all, asking for an open marriage because you’re dissatisfied is never a good reason. It’s like the boyfriend who announces to his girlfriend that perhaps they should “see other people”. Yeah, right, why not just be a man about it and break up with her? You might as well admit that things aren’t going well with your spouse and deal with that first because that issue is never going to go away and “patching up” the void by seeing others is not going to address or resolve it, in fact it will only make it worse. You will still feel the need to resolve it one way or another with your husband. I speak from experience here. Your husband may give you “permission” to have affairs and agree half-heartedly to the arrangement, but if he’s not into it himself he will deeply resent you over time.

   You have to come to terms with the fact that you can’t have your cake and eat it too. Life is full of sacrifices. Which one are you willing to make? Are you willing to sacrifice some of your happiness to keep your family in tact or is that intolerable for you? I don’t think in your case an open marriage will solve your marital problems.

   As for the women who regret leaving their families, I’m surprised you didn’t consider what life would be like *before* leaving. You can’t have your cake and eat it too, either. You have to make sacrifices in life. The “road not traveled” and all that. If you’re not prepared to make those sacrifices you have some growing up to do. You can’t have it both ways.

   This, BTW, is one reason I never had a family. I am divorced and thankfully never had to put children or myself through tearing up a family. I realize no one goes into these things thinking they will fail, but you have to be prepared for the consequences of your actions or not get into such compelling ethical situations. Sorry to be so brusque, but I guess I realized that relationships can be precarious and that perhaps it might not be a good idea to have kids until I was damned sure that my spouse and I were going to make it! Unfortunately I was never sure and we eventually divorced, so I gave up having kids, but I think in the end I made the right decision. I would have liked to have had children but I have no real regrets. Then again I asked myself what life would be like for me without a family and I realized I could live with that. I feel sorry for the people who did not ask themselves these questions and must live with consequences they didn’t anticipate. Then again, it is never too late to grow up!

10. J.C. Sregge on June 16th, 2007 7:42 am

    Although it is slippery by definition, Open Marriage (OM) is generally considered a committed marital relationship between two people who, ussually under a set of mutually-agreed upon rules, engage in sexual encounters with various partners (playmates) other than their spouse. According to those who care, it should not be confused with polyamory, a lifestyle that promotes multiple romantic relationships between any combinations of people at the same time. Often the primary questions that hover around the issue of having an OM are, “Can it work?” and “Is having such an open relationship sustainable?”

    Traditionalists type people don’t understand how OM can be successful. When the topic is brought up in on-line blogs, related written articles, website discussion groups, etc., most often the following questions are brought up: Why bother getting or staying married? What if you fall in love with another person outside the marrige? How long can it go on before it causes a problem due to jealousy and insecurity? I just don’t get it?.

    Defining a marriage as “open” is really just giving a vocabulary to something that couples are already doing, including marriages in which one partner is having an affair and the other knows, but looks the other way. If you look cross-culturally and over time, most people do not remain faithful to one partner for the duration of their marriages.

    So, then, is OM for marital couples the answer or fix for their own relationship? For these couples contemplating OM, is it really only two people’s attempt to reinvest in the idea of commitment, to define it on their own terms and to try to avoid divorce? Could it be viewed as an honest attempt to make marriage work? Sadly that’s what some people tell themselves, but this raises a red flag. It is incredibly common and especially destructive for such couples to experiment with OM in response to problems or boredom in their marital and sex life. This is not the time to experiment with OM. To experiment with OM, you have to be in an extremely healthy marital relationship.

    The defining difference between the successful and unsuccessful Open Marriages, comes down to communication, agreed-upon ground rules, and compatible values regarding sex. The couple has to come first. Once they stop talking and stop prioritizing their partner’s needs, they’re in big trouble. And when it comes to sexuality, there are simply two basic approaches: a) Sex as an expression of love, or b) Sex as a fun recreational activity or hobby, like playing basketball on the weekends. Plenty of people value sex as an enjoyable activity between friends without attaching added significant meaning to it. But, if you are in an Open Marriage and fully view sex as an expression of love, then you may be simply playing Russian Roulette.

    One common premise through the varying types of successful Open Marriages appears to be adherence to the principle that the married couple always takes precedence over any person outside the marriage. Ideally, the minute one spouse becomes upset or uncomfortable with a situation, it should end. The same goes for any sexual experimentation.

    Obviously there are risks and consequences in having an Open Marriage. Therefore, understanding the meaning of and dynamics of OM are important.

    After extensive mutual soul-searching and personal research, many marital couples that do consent to have an Open Marriage do so under the belief that their relationship is strong and secure enough to avoid the pitfalls of a non-exclusive arrangement.

    Often they feel that total honesty, acceptance, and communication can make such an open relationship work – and in many such unconventional marriages they do. However, the captivating erotic appeal and highly sensuous relationships with others can sometimes unexpectedly bring on the destructive forces of jealousy, selfishness, and mistrust that possibly may threaten the primary relationship with a spouse.

    However, by clearly understanding how these harmful influences can develop and occur, and moreover, by continuing to build on the love and trust on which they had originally built their life together, couples can successfully overcome such damaging forces through determination and commitment to their marriage.

    Having a non-exclusive relationship is very seductive and liberating, and if good choices are made selecting first-rate people as outside partners (sexual playmates), often beneficially brings on the experience of catharsis, growth, and other positive changes to one’s life in having such playful outside encounters and sexual experiences.

    For your further understanding, the following insightful information below may be of further help to you…

    ==================================================================
    What Is An “Open Marriage”

    In its widest meaning and usage, an open marriage is a marital relationship where both married partners agree to allow various kinds of sexual relationships for one or both outside the marriage, without regarding this as sexual infidelity. Often this may include “dating” activities without both partners automatically being present or sexually involved.

    The new term originated and achieved certain popularity with the 1972 publication of the book “Open Marriage” by Nena and George O’Neill that sold more than 1.5 million copies. The majority of the book subject matter is on non-controversial approaches to revitalizing marriage in areas of communication, trust, role flexibility, identity, and equality, but chapter 16 - “Love Without Jealousy” - was focused on the intriguing proposition that an open marriage could beneficially include some forms of sexuality with outside partners. To the expressed regret of the authors, it was this chapter’s unique dynamic concepts which have remained in the cultural consciousness a generation later. Yet by then the open marriage idea and term had already gained a life of its own where today many married couples are avidly and happily engage in this liberating sexual lifestyle.

    These days with many committed couples not immediately choosing or wanting formal marriage, but desire such sexual liberties within their own mutual partnership, the new synonymous term presently being used for both married and committed couples is open relationship. Moreover this latest term for the concept of being sexually open versus closed also applies to triads and other groups larger than two.

    Open relationships are sometimes considered as a kind of polyamory (involvement in loving relationships, of a sexual kind, with more than one person), but regarded broader in concept than polyamory by including sexual play outside the context of loving relationships. Be that as it may, naturally there is much potential for overlap.

    There is difference of opinion as to whether marital or committed couples involved in swinging are in open relationships. Swinging involves sex with one or more persons within a particular group
    context. While swingers may “swap” or exchange partners, they usually do not have dates and sex with others entirely separate from their partner who is close by. However, quite the opposite is true for those in an open marriage (open relationship) where typically there are outside activities (such as dating, etc.) separate from the spouse or committed partner. Again, there is a natural propensity for many to overlap sexual concepts and involvement in other sexual lifestyle communities.

    Lifestyle’s Expectations

    While the arrangements for each open marriage (open relationship) are defined by the individuals involved, they usually tend to have particular expectations such as:

    • Other relationships or sexual activities are supplements or enhancements to the marriage, not replacements for anything in themarriage.
    • There is honest and open communication between the primary couple about what is allowable and what is not - and a trust that both partners will abide by those expectations.
    • There is mutual consent from both partners to the type of open marriage chosen.
    • The nature of an open marriage, along with the rules that could apply to it (see below), often changes over time as each person and their relationships grow or change, or to adapt to new circumstances that arise.

    Sometimes in this type of relationship only one spouse has “permission” to have sexual encounters with others, while the other partner is expected to remain monogamous (sexually exclusive). The monogamous spouse may be indifferent to their partner’s experiences with others, or may derive sexual satisfaction from watching, hearing, or simply being aware of them. In other open relationships egalitarian rules for both partners are a crucial component.

    In certain societies, such as Nepal, this practice is somewhat socially acceptable. In the United States, as well as Western Europe, however, the practice, is much more controversial and
    generally not socially accepted

    Considering Emotional Issues

    Like other relationships, including “normal” marriages, open relationships are subject to emotional stresses and inter-personal issues. Those who have attempted open marriages often say it either brings the couple closer together on many levels and strengthens the marriage and the trust, friendship, and respect for each other, or leads to jealousy and damages the marriage. Those both successful and unsuccessful, often refer to the challenges of ‘NRE’ (”New Relationship Energy”) that can be confused with love for a third party and damage the marriage.

    There is the potential of many emotional pitfalls for couples who experiment with open marriage, as well as many potential benefits for those who are successful. In cases where this type of
    experimentation is meant to “fix” a marriage, or either partner is emotionally or morally unable to, the potential for a negative outcome increases.

    For those who claim success in open marriages, the reported benefits commonly include a deeper emotional connection with their partner, a more enduring trust, and/or a deeper sexual satisfaction for both partners.

    Outsiders, or even some who practice egalitarian open relationships, may have difficulty understanding how a monogamous husband, for example, could benefit from letting his wife date, build emotional bonds of friendship with, and have sex with other men. Husbands involved report an “near primal” urge to engage in these activities, and often the more skilled the spouse’s lover is, or the more intense the “New Relationship Energy” is, the more it heightens the husband’s experience, even if this temporarily relegates him to a subservient or lower position than the wife’s new lover.

    Mutual Tenets And Agreements

    Some couples involved in open marriages or relationships adopt a set of “rules” or “agreements” to guide their amenable activities. These rules are individualistic and often change over time. Such agreements, and more importantly the process of negotiating them, can help people to consider and anticipate what behavior to expect from their partners and what intentions they have for themselves. This is intended both to reduce the uncertainty that can breed jealousy, insecurity and resentment, and to focus the commitments that continue between the couple even while the convention of sexual monogamy is modified. These agreements attempt to allow partners to explore new territory without doing something disastrous to the primary relationship.

    Some elements which might be included in such relationship agreements are described below; a given agreement might include any or all of these elements (in the forms given or modified, or even reversed), or many others. There is no one correct set of agreements, as the needs of each individual and each relationship vary considerably, and tend to evolve with time and experience.

    • Our marriage and family always comes first, (or) We will not harm the quality of our existing relationship, (or) Our individual freedom to grow and explore must not be unduly constrained.
    • We will always inform each other prior to any outside activity, (or) We will attempt to inform the other partner first if possible and as soon as possible afterwards if not, (or) We will inform our partner of our general practices but not about specific people or times or places.
    • It is enough to keep the other partner informed of all activity, (or) We will not proceed without explicit prior agreement from the other partner.
    • The other partner must meet any new person first, (or) The other partner can eventually meet all people that might be involved, should they want to.
    • The other partner has a right of veto any relationship or activity at any time, (or) The other partner may inhibit further development of a relationship but any “rollbacks” of existing relationships need to be individually negotiated.
    • We will only be involved with people who fully disclose the relationships and activities to their own spouses or committed partners, (or) We will encourage but not require others with whom we are involved to have open relationships with their other partners, if any.
    • We will always use agreed upon safer sex practices until and unless our regular partner agrees to specific exceptions, (or) We will trust each other to be appropriately careful about sexual safety without details.
    • We will not cancel plans that we have together to be with someone else, (or) We will not neglect our partner to be with someone else unless the spouse agrees.
    • We will continue to meet each other’s sexual needs as well, (or) Each partner is responsible for their own sexual needs.
    • We are allowed to omit specific details except as needed for full disclosure for safer sex decisions.
    • We will not disclose these activities to other friends without mutual consent, or We are each free to share about these experiences within our own judgment of appropriateness and safety.
    • We will not use this against each other in any fights or arguments later down the road.
    • We will engage in sexual activities only together with both of us present, (or) We may engage sexually with others alone or together.
    • We will return home to sleep after each encounter, (or) We will accept overnight visits by prior negotiation.
    • We will not compare anything that has gone on with the other person to anything that goes on between us. We can pick up pointers of new things to try with each other from the outside source but not in a harmful way.
    • We will not hide or minimize emotional connections forming with other people, (or) We will not form strong emotional attachments unless and until our existing partner forms their own friendship and connection as well.
    • We will promptly disclose and discuss any breaches to these agreements in order to remain in integrity with each other and avoid building walls of shame and hiding.
    • We will honestly discuss any concerns or feelings that arise and which affect our closeness or safety with each other.
    • We will reconsider any of these agreements if experience shows that they are not serving our ultimate purposes

11. Dan on September 14th, 2007 10:50 pm

    It is ironic that most of the great leaders of the old testiment of the Christian bible lived an “open relationship”. Abraham, Issac, Jacob, King David, Soloman and others had more than one wife. Modern religious leaders have misinterpreted their bible to throw guilt on anyone who opens their marriage to others. There is a book called ‘Divine Sex’ written by a minister, Philo Thelos, pen name of Darwin Chandler. His expertise was original biblical languages and he states that the religious interpretations of today are totally different than what the original languages meant. What I’m saying is that the concept of ‘open marriage’ is not foriegn to the human condition and it takes just as much understanding, communication, and honesty between all parties for this type of relationship to continue and succeed.
    My wife and I have lived an open relationship for about ten years and it takes as much work as a monogamous relationship, even more. The same problems break an open relationship as a monogomous one. One really can’t say an open relationship will fail any more than one can say a monogamous one will succeed. With over 50% of marriages failing I think that perhaps other types of relationships ought to be explored. Just because they aren’t society’s ‘normal’ doesn’t make them bad, evil, perverted or any other term some describe them as.

12. Dan and Jennifer on September 15th, 2007 8:30 am

    I just wanted to take a moment to say thank you all for the very insightful and intelligent comments on this post. Sometimes emotions and defensiveness can run a discussion, but that has not been the case here!

13. Ronnie on September 15th, 2007 1:30 pm

    Wait a second, Dan. I would hardly call what the Old Testament patriarchs were engaging in an “open relationship”. It was more like a double standard/male dominant/female oppressed relationship. VERY big difference between that and what we modern people consider an “open relationship” and hardly justification for claiming that the Bible supports that modern interpretation. I think you are just as guilty of misinterpreting the bible here. Not that I am defending the bible in this case, mind you.

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