Sex Poll: Would You Consider Swinging or Polyamory?

66 Responses to “Sex Poll: Would You Consider Swinging or Polyamory?”

1. Sania Wyatt on February 23rd, 2007 7:06 pm

   I don’t have a problem with it, but it’s not for me.

2. Edward Mills on February 23rd, 2007 8:16 pm

   You’ve clearly hit a “hot” button with this one. Thanks for creating the space with this type of open conversation. We need more of this!

3. Wendy Piersall :: eMom on February 23rd, 2007 8:26 pm

   Wow - I can’t believe how many people said yes or that they would consider it! I hated to be a party pooper and say it’s not for me…

   I guess I’m either too old fashioned, or an extremely satisfied wife.

4. Sania Wyatt on February 23rd, 2007 8:28 pm

   Couples have no inhibitions in indulging in any sexual lifestyle nowadays. Atleast hope they are having lots of fun doing it!

5. Jane on February 23rd, 2007 11:27 pm

   I also am surpirsed at the number of people that have responded yes with the right type of friends! Great post and great venue for conversation!!

   Thanks guys.

6. Nina on February 23rd, 2007 11:54 pm

   Given the fact that I am on the phone with my girlfriend, and my husband is a few feet from me, I am okay. He doesnt join us, but he is well aware of our relationship. The way we look at it is, we arent sleeping around, and we are all getting what we need. Honesty and integrity, combined with communication is the only way this works.

7. Joeblow on February 24th, 2007 12:40 am

   I use both hands, does that count?

8. Bob Williams on February 24th, 2007 5:46 am

   My wife’s boyfriend slept with my mistress’s sister who is married to my gay uncle Louie’s lover. Once a week we all go down to the clinic together to get tested. For brains.

9. Jill on February 24th, 2007 6:36 am

   Wow. The poll results were a surprise, to say the least. I just can’t get my head around the idea of being okay with it - my valuation of sex just doesn’t allow for multiples… Sex is supposed to be special - and special just loses something when *anyone* can be special.

10. talldoc on February 24th, 2007 8:29 am

    Many of the best nights of my life and great memories. 3 girls and 1 guy almost always the best–always something to do, you know? Never gets old.

11. Dan and Jennifer on February 24th, 2007 1:14 pm

    Bob, I don’t know if that counts as swinging, but it’s defintitely a good candidate for the Jerry Springer show.

    You guys could be famous!

    Have an awesome day!
    Dan and Jennifer

12. Sandy on February 24th, 2007 3:21 pm

    Polyamory is a pseudo-sophisticated word, used by pseudo-sophisticated people, meaning screwing around.

13. NewsWarrior on February 24th, 2007 3:43 pm

    Great post on “polyamory” being just another word for “screwing around.” LOL!

    With more and more media sources intentionally portraying women as nothing much more than sex objects, and men and women as nothing much more than money-grubbing fools, I wouldn’t be surprised if more young people (especially) don’t begin to think of “polyamory” as something that’s okay. Especially the weak-minded. I am sure there are people who can live this way comfortably, but I am also quite sure they are the great exception. There are some pretty solid reasons WHY such practice is not considered “normal.” I have decided that many big corporate ad campaigns are deliberately luring people into promiscuity. Don’t have space for details, but it feeds their bottom line!

14. JD on February 24th, 2007 3:54 pm

    I have been seeing a couple recently. She is bi and he is a cuckold. When we have sex he stays in the room and takes pictures but doesn’t join in. Everyone gets what they want. So no harm, no foul.

15. Bryant on February 24th, 2007 4:09 pm

    I think that its ok if everyone is on the same page,but for me personally I prefer 1on 1 relationships. I dont want to share my wife with anyone.

16. Deano on February 24th, 2007 4:31 pm

    Deano,
    My wife and I talked about bringing a man into our relationship for years. We finally did it and WOW, what a wild experience. We have decided to leave it at that but we love talking about it reliving the experience.

17. Jeff Kee on February 25th, 2007 9:29 am

    not for me, but when others do it i dont judge. i wouldn’t think any less of a person if they did it. it’s a free choice, and it snot a sin

    in fact, nothing is a sin really. its just different people living different lives and the enforcement of one lifestyle/religion to another is what causes problems.

    I even support cannibalism if that is the native culture of a tribe. Who has the right to tell them they shouldn’t do it? It’s not like the human rights charter is a universal concept. It was a man-made concept that some societies accepted as a standard and others did not.

18. Blogg Buzz on February 25th, 2007 5:30 pm

    Sex Poll: Would You Consider Swinging or Polyamory?…

    Dan and Jennifer’s recent article "My Best Friend’s a Swinger - Will She Burn in Hell?" sparked such conversation and controversy; they just had to take a poll. Answer this short poll to see where you fit in with the rest of the world on this incre…

19. J.R. on February 26th, 2007 5:18 am

    Holy Jeez Jeff!

    Why is it that you always have to bring up cannibalism??? Can’t we just have one discussion without you bringing up cannibalism?

    lol

20. Jeff Kee on February 26th, 2007 5:24 am

    Hahaha it’s a very bad example but it’s extreme enough to draw attention..

21. Erin on February 28th, 2007 8:05 pm

    In my mind, its cheating, and condoning it. My husbands parents are swingers, and not only has it had a PROFOUNDLY negative effect on these kids and what a relationship is supposed to be, it has instilled the idea that its ok to “sleep with whomever you want, whenever you want.” Even if there werent children involved, I still see it as 2 people realizing they cant make it alone together, so they bring in other people to help out. Sad, truly.

22. Jim on February 28th, 2007 8:06 pm

    If polyamory is not for you, that’s fine. Just remember that none of us should ever force someone else to live by our own standards. In the past 30 years, polyamory has gone from a word that no one’s ever heard of to a lifestyle about which an ever growing number of people are curious. Polyamory, like other alternative lifestyles, is not going to go away.

23. J.B.Kennedy on February 28th, 2007 10:00 pm

    Like so many other things, is the idea of monogomy falling by the wayside? Polyamory and the swinging lifestyle have led to and are perpetuating the explosion of STDs and AIDS today. If we allow ourselves to sleap around with anyone that turns us on any time we feal the urge to, the situation will only get worse. If we have to question weather it’s OK to fool around like that or not, we already know the answer. The only doubt is being put there by our own animal desires and those desires will destroy us all!

24. jonnyj on February 28th, 2007 11:45 pm

    If the wife can’t keep up with the housework you bring in a Maid to help out. If the husband cant keep with the yard work you bring in a landscaper. Why should this be any different than not being able to keep up in the bedroom. If you cant get the job done together, You bring in Help. So What is the difference what you need help in, as long everyone is happy! Is there something wrong with everyone being happy? Better than fighting about it! Or just do a better job of keeping up your commitment to keep each other happy with no outside help.

25. Dave on March 1st, 2007 12:18 am

    I think I’d like to try it but my wife wouldn’t go for it. There is a club near by but looking at their web site, the people seem un attractive. To bad because she might be interested if it were different!

26. Jim Jones on March 1st, 2007 8:33 am

    I have always found it amazing that society expects one person and only one person to supply all the needs that you might have sexually. It is the only area of a person’s life that is viewed in that fashion. Every other aspect of a person’s life can and is often expected to be tended to by someone other than your mate. I personally think it is unfair to assume or expect that one person has the ability to satisfy every urge, fantasy or need and think it is quite a burden to expect it. Somewhere along the way, one party or the other is going to be diappointed in either the expectation or the ultimate outcome.

27. sevendayhedonist on March 1st, 2007 10:30 am

    My wife and I met in the Swinging lifestyle. We were both single and met at a club for swingers. We celebrated our 10th wedding anny just in January. and Have been monogamous for half our relationship. We still are active in the lifestyle (advocates) and have friends that are still swinging. I see couples that are from 20’s- 70’s at the clubs. so it is not an activity that just young people are active in.

    Maybe if more relationships were more honest, there would be less “cheating” spouses and more open communication, and happier marriages.

28. Marc on March 1st, 2007 11:43 am

    The kind of polyamory I want is with bisexual girlfriends

29. Susie on March 1st, 2007 12:24 pm

    I am in a marriage of 10.5 years. My husband seems very satisfied, but…sometimes I wonder about other things. Who knows? I know he’d be in to toys, but that doesn’t do much for me? Maybe another person, you never know until you try, right?

30. Tammy on March 1st, 2007 2:41 pm

    There are so many misconceptions among the comments here I don’t know where to begin!! Poly and Swinging are not the same thing. Teh focus matters. While sex may be involved in both, the standard accepted definition is that poly focuses on the relationship and swinging focuses on the sex.

    That said NEITHER is considered cheating. Cheating is, by definition, doing something against the rules. If the rules of your relationship as defined and agreed upon by BOTH of you say it’s ok to date or whatever with people outside your relationship, then doing so is NOT cheating — strictly by definition! Do people not know the defintiion of cheating when they say poly and swinging are cheating and those who are involved condone cheating?? Really, people, get a dictionary.

    Polyamory is not “screwing around”. Please go back and reread the definition. And poly and swinging are not necessarily the root of all evil when it comes to STDs. Geez people. Here’s the thing… why is it OK to have 1 monogamous relationship… then another… then another…then another (aka serial monogamy) but NOT ok to have 2 relationships at the same time? What EXACTLY is the difference? Monogamy has changed and that’s not the fault of poly. Divorce? Not heard of not all that long ago. Think Polyamory is a new word that’s bringing the distruction of the civilization? What about “Starter Wife” or “Starter Marriage”?

31. D on March 1st, 2007 4:59 pm

    Interesting topic with a number of unfortunate opinions. Those opinions are always connected to mis-information it seems too.

    I am a swinger. I’m a single male, single males have the hardest time in the lifestyle, we are effectively the lepers of the community. Yet, I’m really enjoying the scene in spite of that (it’s just that much fun ).

    Real swingers are great people. They are (as a group) uninhibited, secure, accepting (other other people’s quirks and styles), and above all lot’s of fun. They know that life is about having fun. It’s a journey, and it’s meant to be enjoyed.

    They don’t ALL play with others. Some like 3-somes with a second guy, some (most) like 3-somes only with a second girl. Some of the women are bi, some are not. Some couples only play with other couples. Some play in the same room, some like separate rooms. In some couples, they each play alone when they feel like it. Some like playing in groups, some even in semi-public places. While some like private settings. Some are into wild and kinky fetish things, while others are not.

    And like all groups of people, you have some who are uptight and unfriendly as well, or just plain weird.

    The clubs, and meet n greets are generally a blast. I haven’t been to house or hotel parties yet, but do want to and imagine that they would be awesome as well.

    Don’t base your fear on, or get offended over, second hand stories. And above all, don’t think about it isolation and try to justify your own views. That’s how these lies get started.

    Those of us who are here to play with others are, as often as not, interested in making friends and having an on-going “relationship”. We don’t show up someplace and say “hey, you’re a swinger? Me too! Let’s fuck!”. lol We establish chemistry and form bonds of friendship, just like people in any other environment. The only difference is that we knot that “Sex is good. Sex with friends is better.”

    If you’re sexually inhibited and like keeping such things very private and low key, that’s great. Just don’t accuse everyone else of being the end of civilization.

    Oh, and I should add, that despite being a swinger, I can see the appeal in the other side too. I could walk away from the “lifestyle” if I found the right woman. This is not something that we do because we have to, or because we are “weak minded” or any other bullshit that the ignorant purport. We do it because it’s fun. Because we enjoy the parties, and because we like meeting great, fun people.

    Part of me does want to find that fairy tale situation. The person you are a perfect match with. Who satisfies you in everyway and vice versa. Who you always have fun with, and are always doing so much with that you don’t have time to go to such clubs or parties. And I would love for that state to last forever too. And should I find it, I’d walk away from swinging.

    But…. if I could find a single female IN the lifestyle and form a bond with her, that would kind of be a best of both worlds.

    There is potential good in both. Don’t knock either until you’ve experienced them first hand.

32. Kelley on March 4th, 2007 11:13 pm

    The wording of this poll doesn’t allow for people who are poly (or are interested) to express that without also indicating that they are interested in swinging, and vice versa. That is an important distinction to make if you want accurate results. Most polies have 0 interest in swinging, but the wording of this poll only offers one affirmative answer without distinguishing which camp you fall into. You make the distinction in your explanation of terms, but you don’t word the poll so that the distinction can be tallied. Nice try.

33. RR on March 6th, 2007 6:14 am

    D.. I couldn’t have said it better myself!.. Kudos to you and the fun you’re having!

34. maestro on March 8th, 2007 7:54 am

    Fascinating and revealing comments .. the most being the ones espousing the outright bigotry of those so steeped in tradition and their own worlds that they can’t believe that (gasp) theirs is not the only way.

    Polys and swingers are perpetuating the STD explosion? Wow .. and all this time I thought it was unprotected sex. Silly me. That’s like saying truckers are causing an explosion in the vehicle accident death rate when in fact there are many many factors.

    I’ve been openly poly for 6 years now and latent as far back as I can remember. It was only when I and my beautiful wife began exploring the idea a number of years ago that we came to realize that it was viable and we weren’t the only ones in this boat. Oh .. and just to be clear, it has nothing to do with our performace in the bedroom. To quote Minx at http://cunningminx.livejournal.com/ “It’s not all about the sex”. This is true of ANY relationship style. Some DO make it all about the sex, but that’s a function of the person and not the orientation.

    Don’t think that just because you can’t/won’t adopt a lifestyle that it’s inherently wrong or amoral. We don’t all live by your standards, nor do we expect you to live by ours. That sort of thinking is what starts wars.

35. Dan and Jennifer on March 8th, 2007 1:49 pm

    Hey Maestro,

    Great perspective, thank you for sharing that.

    And great point, it’s "not all about the sex" - not in monogamous or poly relationships. We actually defined the term polyamory at the top since I know a lot of folks are just not familiar with the concept.

    Also, when you remove the sex angle as a prerequisite, the whole concept applied to non-monogamy is even more of a stretch for a lot of folks.

    It’s been a great turnout for all sides, and we’ve had some excellent comments all around. And I’m glad the discussion stayed quite civil and grown up for the very most post - we didn’t have to edit out any unnecessary namecalling, etc.

    Have an awesome day!
    Dan

36. maestro on March 9th, 2007 1:56 am

    “Also, when you remove the sex angle as a prerequisite, the whole concept applied to non-monogamy is even more of a stretch for a lot of folks.”

    Well, think about it this way .. a lot of people say things like “Now days it takes both parents working to get by.” Why is that? Perhaps it’s our cost of living and all the ‘things’ we think we need (and some we really do) that are so expensive: outside meals, electronic and automotive gadgetry, high health costs, high education costs, etc. Well, what if someone WANTS to stay home and raise the children? What if there were an arrangement where you could have 2+ incomes AND a full-time parent/homemaker being channeled into one household?

    And what about socializations? I don’t do ballroom dancing. What if my SO did and enjoyed it with a partner she had at least romantic feelings for? Wouldn’t it be more fulfilling for her to pursue her desires without having to hide a large part of herself simply because we hold onto the idea of emotional monogamy?

    I do understand how people can be taken aback by the whole idea. It’s different, it’s weird .. at least to our society. Strict monogamy happens to be a relatively new idea. I’m sure incredulous feelings were rampant in the 1600s when Copernicus revealed his theories to the chorus of “How dare he!”

37. Tony on March 9th, 2007 6:40 am

    Poly does not mean that “anybody” can be special. It just means that more than one can be.

38. PinkZebra on March 9th, 2007 1:38 pm

    “What if there were an arrangement where you could have 2+ incomes AND a full-time parent/homemaker being channeled into one household?”

    And that’s EXACTLY how it is in my household. My fiance and I work outside the home while his wife/my girlfriend stays at home and takes care and homeschools the 2 kids. Once their house sells, we’ll only be supporting 1 house of bills (utilities and mortgage) and while we won’t be rolling in the money, we will have enough to do some of the things we want to do (vacations, etc.) that I was unable to do on my own with my house and they were unable to do much of on their own with only 1 income.

    Don’t get me wrong… it’s NOT about the $$. But the financial arrangements ARE a nice side benefit.

39. Chris on March 15th, 2007 1:45 pm

    This is kind of a goofy poll. Swinging and Polyamory are not the same lifestyle and its a common missunderstanding because people tend to hook them both arround the “sex” quotient. I am in a polyamorous relationship however we don’t swing. I have known “monogomous” couples who swing however they are not polyamorous because they have sex with other people as a leisure activity not as a means to find or create long term dedicated relationships.

    If you had to make a comparison that most single people could connect with, it would be like asking “would you ever ‘playing the field’ or dating?”

    They both can include sex but thats where the comparison stops and to group them together like it’s the same practice with the same intentions is not quite apples-to-apples.

    I think if you separated the two “lifestyles” into their own polls you might see some different numbers.

40. Jill on March 20th, 2007 12:24 am

    Tony - Point taken; my post referred FAR more to ’swinging’ than poly. The main issue I have with poly is that none of the self-professed ‘poly’ couples I’ve met actually are in a practicing poly relationship - they refer to themselves as such, and claim their behavior is because they’re looking for someone… When, actually, they seem to be just using the latest cool buzz-term as an excuse to sleep around. Having once BEEN in love with two men at the same time (though not sexually involved with either) I can understand poly a lot more easily than swinging.

    Jim Jones - Conventional society expects one person to suppy those needs because that IS the job description for ‘mate’, AND - the very expectation that you will have your “every urge, fantasy or need” fulfilled is where the burden lies, not in the pressure on the mate to do so. We have become a society of spoiled children - everyone thinks that they can and should have everything they think they want. We have completely lost the concept of ‘the greater good’ and any appreciation of anticipation. We want what we want, and we want it NOW, (else we’ll sue….) Where is the motivation to improve and explore in your sex life with your mate if you can just go get someone else to do it instead?

    Everyone seems to think that if it’s GOOD, more is BETTER. I would ask you to look at Christmas… Wasn’t it so much more fun when you were young? That isn’t only because you were young, or because you were on the receiving end; it was because it was a limited- supply thing. You had two weeks of giddy anticipation and uncertainty - and occasionally, you DIDN’T get what you wanted, which allowed the uncertainty to carry over to the next year. Now, you have four MONTHS of work, followed by a day when you KNOW what you will get, because you always get what you want - because marketers have convinced you that you MUST get everyone everything they want, (gotta buy things to prove you love them, right?!?) and the inverse applies to you as well. Now, Christmas is teh suxzor - four months of work followed by a pile of bills., YAY

    Sex attitudes and behaviors are just the obvious symptoms of a much deeper problem here.

41. Tammy on March 20th, 2007 1:38 pm

    So because we desire to have more people in our lives, more loves and share our lives with more people, Christmas has become sucky? ????

    What deeper problem is there that you’re getting at?

    I see all kinds of odd sex attitudes and behaviors caused by monogamy (repression, jealousy, anger, possessiveness)… doesn’t mean monogamy is wrong. That I think it an interesting point that I want to make. When a poly relationship fails, everyone is SO quick to jump on poly as a reason… use that failure as justification why poly just doesn’t work. But with a monogamous culture where there is close to a 50% divorce rate, I have yet to see anyone jump that monogamy just doesn’t work.

42. Jill on March 23rd, 2007 12:04 am

    @ Tammy. Read - again - slowly. I am not “jumping on” poly, (I only state that I have never seen an actual poly relationship happen) and the answer to your two Q’s IS in there.

43. Robert on April 13th, 2007 8:53 pm

    There are really only two types of people in this world. Ones that are tolerant of others and ones who are judgemental and intolerant of other people. If you are a tolerant individual it doesn’t matter whether others are black, white, gay, lesbian, monogamous, polyamorous, or whatever. You treat them as your “brother”. On the other hand if you are intollerant you can always find something or someone to hate.

44. Should Prostitution be Legal? Take the Poll! on May 2nd, 2007 4:31 pm

    […] Take the Poll! […]

45. Jay Ananga on May 2nd, 2007 7:49 pm

    Hello,
    Is there any practicing, legal or socially accepted alternative to "relationship between a married man and casual voluntary or professional sex-mates/sex-stewardesses/sex-girls/prostitutes" in which case a husband is not chased or disturbed in married or social life but wife is ignorant (she, who does not have sex with any other person, is however not "cheated - as the case that happens in secret extra-marital relationship" or deprived sexually or socially or economically).

    What I want to know is not anything similar to that once commonly practiced socially and legally as accepted among the people of a north Indian tribe, where one husband is shared sexually by the sisters of wife and sex is enjoyed individually, but not in a way that is practiced between a legally accepted polygamous husband and his wives who do not have sex with any other male.

    Can polyamory help a married man who feels has love for other women without cheating his wife in such case, when his wife is not polyamorous or informed of it or asked by his husband for consent to allow him love any other women or have sex with them who are polyamorous or not?

    Regards,
    Jay

46. Tammy on May 2nd, 2007 8:56 pm

    Jay,
    Your question is very hard to understand but I think you’re asking if poly can allow a married man to love others without informing his wife. If that’s the question the answer is no. Poly by definition is when ALL parties are informed and consent to the relationships of their partner(s).

47. LadyKelien on May 2nd, 2007 9:52 pm

    My husband and I have done the swinging thing and the poly thing. I prefer Poly to swinging. The problem for me with swinging is that Im an adult survivor of child sexual abuse and Im never quite sure when a situation is going to cause me to have a flash back or panic attack. Some men who I have great conversations with and can flirt with just fine freak me out when it goes beyond flirting. I consider myself bi so other women don’t bother me. That route with swinging has no emotional issues attached to it. But, it tends to turn into poly relationships because I become attached to the woman as a friend and my husband becomes attached to them as another partner and as long as the balance can be maintained then its wonderful but when its over it can be the most heart wrenching thing in the world because you don’t just lose someone your having fun with to keep things spicy in your own relationship but you lose a friend and a partner. It took us two years to recover. I can say we have managed to stay married but we both hesitate to go there again. There is only one person I would ever consider trying it again with and for now she lives a thousand miles away. But one day she wont and Ill try it again. There is nothing wrong with the lifestyle and it can be fun. You just have to be able to let go when its time and know when you shouldn’t take it beyond just some fun stuff you do every now and again.

48. Jay Ananga on May 3rd, 2007 1:15 am

    Dear Tammy,

    Many thanks for your suggestion to my question about ploy love and sex which is very clear, it meant that all poly people must be fair in love, sex and relationship by involving his/her married/living partner through activity or consent.

    I think this is the basis of the reason for developing poly idea in the society. Still I have three follow-up questions:

    (1) When a single man or woman mixes with poly people and have sex, does it ensures that those single people will take only a polyamorous person when they want to get married?
    (2) The other question is: When an unknown man or woman wants to meet poly people (a group of both sexs or individual of opposite sex) and practice polyamory that may lead to sex, is there any rule or need to know whether that unknown person has any spouse or partner (with sexual relationship) outside poly society?
    (3)When state legislations, religious marriage and sex rules, social laws, tribal traditions, etc, maintain a balance between man and woman in love, sex, marriage and relationship, what significant role is played by the followers of polyamory?

    Best regards,
    Jay

49. Tammy on May 3rd, 2007 9:29 am

    Jay,
    1) nothing is assured because people change. They may take a poly definition of marriage… they may go with a mono marriage. It’s up to them and their partner(s) to figure out what’s best.

    2)I guess that’s up to the individuals involved. I would never consider any withheld information in a positive light. I would want to know if a potential partner had a legal marriage and know that that partner was ok with poly aspects of the relationship. It is possible to be a mono partner of a poly partner.. it’s really difficult I’m sure. But as the “single” person, when I came into my now triad, the first thing I needed was to hear from my bf’s wife (directly from her) that she was totally ok with my relationship with her husband.

    3) Not sure I understand the question. Sorry. Legally I have no rights in our triad. There are legal documents that can help and we will be looking into drawing up such things in the not-so-distant future.

50. Jay Ananga on May 3rd, 2007 10:14 pm

    Dear Tammy,
    Thanks a lot. I share your understanding. You have nice thoughts for the future of poly. I have unlimited questions in my mind when it comes to individual’s feelings and desires in respect of love and sex that have so much influence on his/her life beyond the legal, social, moral and religious aspects of his/her married/living partner. Only a counseling help is not enough to a man or woman who suffers so much from lovesickness being unattended for no fault of his/her own or that of his/her partner.
    Should poly look for the reality of the need for one’s human love beyond others’ control? Who will free the human love from the human slavery? The freedom of love and morality should find a balance in the human society.
    And there should be a better alternative to “men’s secret visit to prostitutes.” Thanks to women, who are generally not so much sick or crazy when sex-starved, as the men are, possibly, because of the nature’s systems for self-cleaning and automatic eco-balancing.
    Best regards,
    Jay

51. Bryan D. P. on May 8th, 2007 12:41 am

    My wife and I are falling apart. She went out and fooled around with some other guy. I wasnt sure to make of it. at first I was just pissed off, but then I wondered if she is just curious (after all when we got married I was the only man she had ever been with)so i asked her, and come to find out… I was right, she is now talking with me about bringing in a friend of hers(female)and really im kinda into it and excited, but I dont know what the effects might be in the future. I mean, I dont want her to be having sex with ANYONE if im not there, although if I were there id be ok. And im not really liking the idea of another guy, so for now its just women. i mean i dont want to be a hypocrit but, its not like it was my idea in the first place. i didnt really condone this sort of behavior in the first place, but if thats what she wants then ill be a willing participant, afterall ive fanticised about threesomes like that before. who knows maybe ill like it alot and we can just do it a few times to get off an itch or something. hopefully she doesnt decide that she wants something else that is beyond what she can have while being with me. hopefully she just comes out of this and we have some wonderful, exciting, and erotic memories to share later on. id really like some feedback on this post, kinda lost on what to think and do. i want to salvage our worn out relationship, there are other variables to this story and ill be happy to explain to anyone who wants to know that posts. im in the situation and not sure wich way to “swing” Basically, I hope to save my relationship by having wild sex with my wife and her friend… a little advice is most certainly welcome. oh and sorry about the rambling

52. Tammy on May 8th, 2007 8:45 am

    Brian… TALK to her. Talk til you’re both sick of talking and then talk some more. But be sure it’s honest and blunt. A change like this in your relationship could help but it WILL hurt if you’re both not 110% open, honest and blunt about what you want/need/expect/can’t deal with. IMHO she’s already put you in a precarious position by cheating. The fact that you’re willing to give what she wants a try is commendable to you, but if you’re not comfortable with it and/or the “rules” aren’t 2000% clear to both of you, someone will cross a line they didn’t think existed and it WILL be a problem. Good luck!

53. Bryan D.P. on May 10th, 2007 2:02 am

    Tammy, thanks for the comments about my post. i just really wanted to see what comes up when i put my situation out there for someone else to decipher. as of yet we have talked in depth about the situation as far as who can do what to whom and all that sort of thing, it was not easy but i was able to get the questions out. i felt embarrased even though im married to her. anyhow thanks again for the confirmation on my thoughts as of recently, you pretty much said what i was thinking. i guess if anyone is still interested ill post about how it goes, i dunno if it would get off the subject of the forum too much. =)

54. moonwolf on May 17th, 2007 9:54 pm

    I have no problem with whatever goes on between consenting adults!
    However, it’s monogamy, not monogomy.

55. Jenny on June 9th, 2007 8:21 pm

    Bryan,

    If you subscribe to the yahoo group “polyfamilies” you can get advice and support from over a thousand poly people, many of whom have been in your exact situation at some time in the past.

    An email group will also allow for a longer, more detailed discussion than a comments forum like this.

    Best wishes for your journey!

    Jenny

56. Al Swinger on July 25th, 2007 12:47 pm

    Life is short and I would like to experience everything. I would like to watch my wife with another man (mostly for deep dark pathological reasons having to do with my childhood). I would like to watch my wife with another woman, mostly because she has always wanted to be with another woman, but never had the courage to admit it until after she was out of college (missed that boat). I would like to be with my wife and another woman, just hoping for a good blow job like I was able to get from other women. Why should sleeping around stop after one is married? My wife was a slut before we were married… might be nice to get her to feel young again. She’s all for it.. but wants the perfect cock… yikes that will take forever…. lol…

57. Al Swinger on July 25th, 2007 12:51 pm

    Bryan D. P., I wonder why you say “no other guy?” are you fearful that she will leave you for a better lover with a bigger dick? I think that for most women the sex and cock size is a minor issue, she my enjoy the physical part of another guy.. but she will likely love you more for letting her be with another guy, she will admire you for having the courage to let her be with another guy.. if you forbid this, it can only backfire and cause her to sneek a fuck with a guy and risk going off with a less “protective” (i.e. controlling) man….

58. Lorraine on July 26th, 2007 1:34 pm

    My husband and I have been happily married for 23 years. We have been Swinging for 2 years now. It has been great, we have made some nice friends. We have our rules set and both follow then, safe sex always and only married couples. Our sex life between us has not been this hot for years. We get turned on by talking about our encounters with each other and then really go at it. Why go out and cheat on your spouse and worry about getting caught when you can Swing and have sex with others, then turn each other on by talking about it. You must be in a very secure, trusting and open marriage to be able to Swing. It’s not for everyone and not for someone trying to keep a relationship from breaking up. We meet another couple and have become great friends. We do family activities with the kids and then have adult nights when we——well you know, have great adult fun. Her and I go shopping together and are good friends, he and my husband hang out and ride motorcycles. In summary it works for us!

59. JC on July 26th, 2007 10:50 pm

    Bryan:
    Of course you are into her bring a female friend into bed with you two. What red blooded American or foreign man for that matter wouldn’t be.
    Sex is an animal instinct, and humans are one of the few creatures that do it for pleasure. Swinging is about sex and pleasure not love. However swinging is not a way to repair a broken relationship. You must already be deeply in love and completely trust your spouse or you will only cause more problems. I have known couples who got into it for that reason and it only ended badly, most of the time in a bitter divorce. I would suggest counseling before swinging.

60. Dan and Jennifer on July 27th, 2007 8:53 am

    Thanks to everyone for the really great discussion on this topic.

    We just want to place an emphasis on what JC said. The swinger lifestyle IS NOT a patch for a broken relationship but it can make an already strong relationship even better.

    To make an open sexual relationship work, there has to be complete trust in the relationship already. There’s absolutely no room for jealousy and ownership.

    One other thing, as an individual - NEVER, ever, get into this kind of relationship for your partner. If you’re going to swing, do it for one reason and one reason only - because YOU want to.

61. Dan on September 4th, 2007 7:09 pm

    I’m totally amazed at the misinformation people use to attempt to persuade others of their misbehavior. Calling polyamory or swinging cheating is misusing the word and defining the word as something that the word doesn’t represent except in the minds of those who might accept any meaning even though totally incorrect. Someone stated that these behaviors contributed to increase of STD’s. As a professional medical trained individual,
    the increase is nowhere increased by these activities. The statistics show that swingers have a lower rate of STD’s than the general population because they take a high interest in preventing STD’s within the lifestyle. Protection is usually provided at most all functions. If you don’t believe me check the national figures on rate of STD’s in swingers vs. the general population. A person who involves them self in swinging must not have a relationship problem as this will do nothing to help them any more than couples who have3 a child hoping the child will help their relationship.
    I’ll repeat again “A person has a right to their own opinion but not a right to their own facts.”
    Now to polyamory; with over 50% of marriages breaking up from real cheating, growing separate, not really being in love at the beginning, and any numerous other reasons, polyamory has become a viable alternate. Yes, to the person who stated they had never seen a poly relationship work, you haven’t been looking very hard. There are triads, groups and couples with LDRs all over the country. Because society, as a rule, can’t deal with persons who don’t behave as they are expected to behave, most “don’t shout it from the front steps.” Society has just begun to accept homosexuality as maybe not really being a choice. Recent research in genetics and hormonal influence during gestation of the human has proven this to be a very likely cause of any gender difference, or degree of difference.
    My lover and I are in a poly relationship that has been active for more than ten years. Yes, at first I had some issues to deal with but as I learned to know the other gentleman I realized that he was just as loving, respectful and kind to my lover as I. He just filled an area of her life that I was unable to fill. I now spend time helping her get ready to visit him and we three have spent time together. He has no agenda as to splitting us up and if he lived closer perhaps he could spend more time with her. My lover, wife, and I have a loving relationship going on thirty plus years.
    Our belief is that each of us has the right to leave if desired so we, each, work on making the relationship strong and loving.
    Perhaps some could not do this but I maintain this relationship is so much better than serial monogamy, constant fear of being left, anger and hate of a divorce, pain to the children of these relationships, and many other situations that I see no comparison to our polyamory with monogamy.
    I repeat “One has a right to their opinions but not a right to their own facts.”

62. Human on September 28th, 2007 3:41 pm

    Like everyone else that is monogamous, I believe TO EACH HIS OWN, as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone or is breaking the law…I can’t change it and I don’t hate them for it, I just wish to discuss it.
    However, I continue to read these facts on polyamorous, polygamist, and swinger sites that state, “people in these lifestyles are happier. They are happier together and their love is stronger because they have trust and honesty with each other.”
    The main problem with the last part, the trust and honesty, is that they just redefine trust and honesty. With a swinging lifestyle, there is nothing to be distrustful or dishonest about. Of course there is no distrust, because it is impossible when all is allowed. If a parent said to a child, “You can have a cookie at any time as long as you tell me”, and the child eats a cookie every 10 minutes, of course he will tell his mom “I WANT A COOKIE”, because he will get it. This may seem like trust, but rather it is a cover for trust. There is no trust when there is nothing to be untrusting about. You can’t trust somebody with your favorite toy if you don’t give them the toy. Its the same thing. With sex and swingers, what are you trusting them with? What are you giving to them that you are saying, “I trust you will do the right thing?”
    And to the whole happiness thing. Again, of course it may seem people are happier in a swinging lifestyle, because they are indulging in all their fantasies and desired experiences. Remove those indulgences and fantasies and they will fall back into unhappiness. Further, if a spouse says, “I don’t wish to be a swinger anymore”, how many of those loving couples who said their relationship was strengthened, stay together and remain JUST as happy? Remove the experiences and you remove the happiness, this is how it is with all sensual indulgence. It is like this with crack addicts, all drug junkies, all aldrenaline junkies, all power-hungry fanatics…everyone. When you get what you want, you are happy. When you don’t get it, you are unhappy. that is how it is. It is the simple case of Freudian psychology (which says that the way to fix problems is by gratifying one’s desire and needs), which has much research done to prove that sensual and instant gratification of needs is not a lasting solution. Sure these couples may be happier, but only because they get what they want. take it away and their relationship will fall, UNLESS they go back to it at some later time. Therefore, their relationship is not based on love, as all claim, but on gratification.

63. Jones on November 26th, 2007 7:22 pm

    My wife and I have a girl friend(Columbia), we are in a ploy relationship in which we are much like family. Currenlty my wife is looking for a guy to fuck our girlfriend so Columbia can have some one on one with a man as I am currently only allowed to play with Columbia when my wife is present.

    I should be grateful but I get hurt think about sharing our girlfriend with another guy?

    Does this make me a selfish fucker and loving man?
    Jone…

64. steve on January 10th, 2008 7:24 pm

    With the right people

65. marcaile on March 9th, 2008 4:11 pm

    The man I’ve been seeing recently is poly. As his friend I support him in whatever works for him; in practice, I know eventually it will end our romantic relationship (though not the friendship, and we connect in many nonsexual ways).

    I see many benefits to polyamory, and I’m sure it’s incomprehensible to him why I’d ever want to break up for the mere reason of meeting someone else I want to date.

    But.. but.. for me, at this time and place in my life, the best relationship I could have would be one I put all my available time and energy into. As I read on a polyamory website, “Love may be infinite, but available time and resources are not.”

    Are you sure you’re up to the emotional demands of two women? I asked him. I don’t know, he said.

    Exactly.

66. Lorraine on March 11th, 2008 8:44 pm

    Since my last post in July my husband and my relationship with our great friends has went from friends and swings to Polyamory lovers. He is like a second husband and she is another wife to my husband. We just happen to live in separate homes. I can’t image not having this type of relationship now that I have been in it. You should know that Polyamory does not have to involve sex. It can just be emotional support.

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