When Swinger Sex Goes Horribly Wrong…

3 Responses to “When Swinger Sex Goes Horribly Wrong…”

1. John on March 4th, 2008 11:46 am

   Wow! My life experience has been nearly 180 degrees different than what the author describes. I’m in a stable, secure marriage (16 years) , with lots of positive swinging experiences over the last 5 years.

   A very wise man once told me that “swinging is like looking at a relationship with a magnifying glass. If there is trouble, swinging will amplify it, not solve it”.

   Obviously couples should not get into swinging to save their relationship. On the other hand, I have met countless couples who do have very positive experiences.

   I’d like to see another article titled “When Swinger Relationships Go Wonderfully Right”. (Did you notice that I substituted “sex” for “relationships” in the title? Swinging is NOT only about sex.) What do I mean?

   We meet other like-minded adults and establish great friendships, we experience exciting situations together, our experiences bring us closer together, we are in constant communication so we improve the dialog of our relationship and yes, we also have incredible sex!

   I strongly encourage couples in healthy, loving relationships to disregard much of this article. Wanna know the best way to learn about swinging? Discuss it with your partner.

   Swinging is not for everybody, especially not for “fragile” relationships. That being said, I don’t sit in a doctor’s office and meet couples who are in trouble. I mostly sit naked in swinger clubs and meet well-adjusted, loving couples who are having the time of their lives.

   John

2. Mr. Gentlenibbles on March 4th, 2008 6:21 pm

   “When Swinger Sex Goes Totally Wrong”, as a title it is compelling and encouraged me to read on. There are plenty of times that ill prepared couples who are considering the lifestyle for all the wrong reasons run head on into devastating consequences. That is where I get completely lost in this article. From my perspective a better title would have been, “When Tragically Flawed Marriages Behave as Predicted.”

   Every couple mentioned is pursuing their desires through incredibly flawed marital logic, and even Dr. Phil would have to agree with that!!!

   “Mark pushed the boundaries even further. He wanted to experience having sex with two women at one time.”

   This is not a relationship of two equal and in love people discovering a new passionate existence. Saying Swinging is at fault because a person was pushed into it, is no better than saying a Snickers bar is evil because a person allergic to peanuts has one forced down their throat. In both cases, a VICTIM was pushed into doing something that was unhealthy for them.

   “Unfortunately, Mark did not feel that way when he found them together one night when he arrived home early from work. Mark felt betrayed and could never look at Linda the same way again.”

   Cheating is Cheating is Cheating is Cheating!!! This has nothing to do with swinging and everything to do with choosing to circumvent a relationships core values of trust and security for one’s own personal temporary pleasure. The logic of blaming swinging for this carries no more merit than blaming perfume for infidelity. Both of these pleasure giving phenomenon’s may have planted a seed of lust and excitement, but the action of choosing to betray your spouse is a decision only made by you!!!

   I am sorry, the original author should really find some Swingers to talk to you instead of couples with hundreds of problems, one of them being sleeping with other people!

   Unfortunately my disagreement does not end there. Some of the generalizations and advice I find absolutely in error!

   “When you open the door and invite another person into the intimate connection with your partner you are inviting in trouble”

   I certainly and whole heartedly agree it is not for everyone, but with the millions of swingers in this country with happy, long, and stable marriages this statement is a complete fallacy!

   “What’s predictable about it is that someone will end up hurt. The “ground rules” will be broken and someone ends up feeling betrayed and hurt.”

   Once again, see response above. How can this blanket statement be true? As a scientist by trade, I never trust a person using absolutes!!!

   “Now, in theory, I will conjecture that there are couples secure enough with each other where they can have flings with other

   people and not do any perceivable damage to their relationship.”

   
   The author’s use of the word “flings” here indicates a true lack of understanding in the lifestyle. Nearly all swingers I know and converse with are not in the lifestyle to merely have sex with other people, but are utilizing the liberation of the freedom of their sexuality to heighten the sex between them and their most intense desire, THEIR SPOUSE!!!

   As with heavy wind and a weak and broken ship, swinging can be a devastating force. A relationship that has insecurities, insensitivities, or other flaws will only find them magnified by the intensity of the lifestyle. On the other hand, just as a well piloted and constructed sail boat can harness that same powerful wind to do amazing things, when a happy healthy couple approaches swinging for the right reasons…….HANG ON FOR THE RIDE!!!

   Mr. Gentlenibbes

3. Mr & Ms Bhaven on March 16th, 2008 4:06 pm

   From my personal perspective only, while I can understand some of the viewpoints and the reasons for them, I guess I find it a little disappointing that this article seems to be written from a seemingly narrow and negative point of view.

   Can swinging go bad? You bet it can! However, it can also go very well and be a great experience for a couple with the right relationship, entering the lifestyle for the “right” reasons (where “right” equals whatever is right for them together).

   Swinging for us was something we both jointly came into after a tremendous amount of discussion and thought. We never entered it for my desire or her desire to have sex with other people, we entered it for what we could give to each other and what we could experience together. A large misconception I had in swinging was that it was just “partner swapping” where I go one way, she goes the other. I was not okay with this, and that’s not what Ms Bhaven wanted either. Instead, we remain connected physically and emotionally to each other through everything we do. Same room, same bed, experiencing each other and enjoying the experience as a couple the whole time.

   Yes, people can get hurt, can get disappointed and marriages can fall apart because of it. However, it is my belief that swinging isn’t what causes these problems, it just brings them to the surface and magnifies them to massive proportions. Swinging does NOT solve problems, period.

   If one side of a couple enters a swinging relationship selfishly and pressures the other half into it, things have a very high probability of going bad. Swinging for us is not about me or her, it’s about US. We know that and we focus on that. Hence things have gone pretty well for us in our experiences.

   It is my opinion that successful swinging can be broken down to one golden rule with one guiding principle. Nothing more is required. Follow this and you should have zero problems with swinging.

   Rule: NO MEANS NO

   Guiding principle: COMMUNICATION

   If you cannot communicate with your spouse enough to say “I don’t like this idea”, “I don’t like what is happening”, “let’s do this”, “let’s not do that”, etc; you are not likely going to be able to have a successful swinging relationship. The relationship you have will be challenging enough, swinging may be out of reach in a successful manner. And this communication can’t just be one-way, and can’t just be in private. You need to be able to express these statements (and a million others) to each other perhaps in the middle of having some intimate contact with other people.

   The level of communication between a couple that is in the swinging lifestyle takes a lot of work. It’s a level of honesty and openness that exceeds what I see in most relationships, and it is constantly expanding. It also includes taking NOTHING for granted. Just because having sex with another person was okay last night with all persons present, doesn’t give you a ‘hall-pass’ to have sex with anyone/anywhere/anytime (unless of course your partner knows this and willingly agrees to this type of openness). That’s not swinging, that’s cheating.

   The examples provided in this article really seem to lack the amount of appropriate communication required to have a successful swinging lifestyle relationship, and in my opinion could have been avoided and/or executed successfully by simply following the 1 golden rule with 1 guiding principle.

   From Ms B’s point of view.

   I’m not knocking those who have been married multiple times. That being said…

   I come from a family where multiple marriages are common (on average 5 per person). MY marriage is the only one to have lasted beyond eight years and is still my first so I do understand that sometimes it just takes a little practice to get it right. I also understand that some people simply continue to perpetuate the same destructive patterns over and over again. They have no idea how to have a successful and happy relationship and for some reason previous experience has not given them that insight.

   When the author mentions they are on their third marriage, this throws a HUGE red flag for me and honestly shows me the biggest problem before I even read any further. Perhaps the author needs to take the time to understand what it takes to have a successful relationship in the first place.
   This means knowing yourself and your partner to the point of never doing something you are NOT 100% comfortable with for the sake of your partner. In the reverse it also means accepting that answer from your partner and NEVER pushing. Remember this goes both ways ALL of the time.

   I was surely put off by the broad statements that because it didn’t work for the author that is would never work for me or any others. As Mr B said, we have been together 18 plus years and were 19 & 17 when we met & married.
   This worked out for us but I would never go as far as telling others that it would or would not work for them.

   Communication, dedication, respect and understanding are keys to a successful relationship.
   Without this, you won’t even be able to do the dishes together let alone watch while your partner happily and willingly enjoys a sexual encounter with someone other than you.

   Just wanted to add these thoughts to Mr B’s response.

   About Mr & Ms Bhaven.
   Mr n Ms Bhaven were married at the age of 19/17 respectively, and had a relationship that was “doomed to fail” from the start. 17+ years later, we’re still married and going strong. We’ve been in the swinging lifestyle for just over a year and it has been a wonderfully erotic adventure.