Are You Undateable?

2 Responses to “Are You Undateable?”

1. Ronnie on March 1st, 2008 12:37 am

   Great article. I don’t think there’s a single woman out there past a certain age who hasn’t met this guy. A lot of people defeat themselves with dating, then blame everyone else for what is really their fault. It’s sad that less people these days take responsibility for their dating success and put the focus on how they can be more attractive. Instead they sit idly by complaining about the opposite sex.

   This stuff is just common sense. I guess less people have that these days, because when I was dating it seemed like every guy had a story like this. I too encountered the guy who was living with his ex, only in this guy’s situation he was still married, and the only reason he was (he said) is that his wife was terminally ill!!! Oh, and it gets better than that - he said he only married her because she was a dear friend who was ill and had no one to take care of her in the last years or months of her life. He asked me to “bear with him” and told me that if we got together it could only be when she was in the hospital, which he said was often. What kind of situation is that to lay on a prospective dating partner? I thought it was just a little too bizarre, plus what cheek expecting me to understand (or even buy) a story like this!

   Another guy had partial custody of his kids and every time we spoke on the phone it was like having a 4 way conversation - Me, him, and his two kids. Honestly, I never knew when he was talking to me or them. And they were young and didn’t know how not to interrupt him when he was on the phone. He said he had partial custody but then proceeded to call me only when his kids were around. I told him I needed to get to know him in a situation where I could actually have a conversation with him. I tried to be tactful about it and not give him the impression that I resented his responsibility to his kids. Well, despite that tact he launched into a bitter litany about how his kids come first and that no one would ever be able to come between him and his kids. I told him that with an attitude like that he wouldn’t even let any woman close enough to have any kind of relationship with him, much less come between him and his kids.

   Honestly, I don’t mince words with these guys. I’m 49 years old and have an advanced degree in Psychology. I have told a lot of them that they’re either not ready to date or defeating themselves in finding someone. Personally I think behavior like this reveals a host of intimacy issues. If a person is really ready for a relationship they don’t put themselves out there with so many obstacles in front of them that no one could get very far with them. Unfortunately when I was out there dating, at least in my age bracket it seemed like every single guy was just like this, though!

2. Lisa Quirke on March 2nd, 2008 9:07 am

   Thanks so much for your comments Ronnie. I think you’re right about their intimacy issues. And, sadly, there are so many of them out there.

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