Beware The Hidden Signs Of A Controlling Relationship…
When it turns public
Rhonda says the harassment was embarrassing enough in private, but when the couple moved in together, Bill had no problem making his outrage public.
"During a planned evening out with my girlfriends, even though I was dressed conservatively, he made demeaning comments and refused to drive me to the restaurant where I was meeting my friends," she recollects.
"As I left home to take the bus, he literally stuck his head outside the door and yelled at the top of his lungs, ‘Have a great time, you whore!’"
Why didn’t Rhonda and Martin leave at the first signs of trouble?
"Bill knew what buttons to push," Rhonda explains. "He made me doubt myself and believe that he knew what he was talking about, that maybe I was behaving wrong. It’s an insidious control, because, through time, you hand it over and then you resent yourself for doing it."
Telltale signs
There are telltale signs that your potential mate could be trouble.
"A person that’s manipulative will lack consistency," says Dr. McCoy. "A person who is telling the truth will always be consistent.
"Continue to question them in different areas — what is your opinion of this, what do you think of that… If things are not consistent, every once in awhile these manipulative people will show their hand.
"You also need to ask yourself — how polite is this person? How willing is he or she to listen to my opinions? Does he or she try to change my opinion?"
Dr. McCoy says we should be more trusting of our own defense mechanisms.
"I think at a sub-conscious level, we pick it up. We tend to let our instincts work for us. Listen. Pay attention. And don’t try to turn it off — it works!"
Even though there’s a lot of pain and suffering to be endured in these circumstances, Dr. McCoy says people come out of these relationships a lot wiser.
"Once people realize, ‘OK, the signs were there. I missed them because I didn’t want to see them,’ then they can say, ‘All right — I’ve learned a very important lesson. Next time I’ll be prepared. I’ll have my eyes wide open, and this has been very hurtful, a learning experience.’
"We come away stronger, not weaker," states Dr. McCoy.
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