Bipolar Booty Call?

22 Responses to “Bipolar Booty Call?”

1. Julie on February 22nd, 2007 12:24 am

   Thank you so much for your response, as well as the time that you both took to write it. Your response was on the mark and it was what I suspected. In the meantime, I did contact an MD that advised me that part of his bad behavior is related to BP and the other half not (that is the part I should not put up with and act on it). I was also advised not to call him at all and let him make the effort and do the work. Oh, and the “shaving himself” thing, the MD said that BP suffers often do odd “flippid” (sp.?) things. I researched the resources that you gave to me and they were very, very helpful - I learned a lot. Thank you again for everything and for your website! Take care.

2. Dan and Jennifer on February 22nd, 2007 10:25 pm

   Hey Julie, very glad to hear that. Good luck with it.

   Have an awesome day!
   Dan

3. Jeff Kee on February 23rd, 2007 4:03 am

   You guys have a great blog here with an awesome niche.

   I remember coming here a long time ago, and I never saved the RSS. I actually tried to remember the domain but couldn’t find it.. and then I remember you visited my blog, and on the mybloglog I found your name and I remembered - Dan and Jennifer!!! You’re on my RSS feed right now.

4. Dan and Jennifer on February 23rd, 2007 4:06 am

   Thanks for coming back Jeff.

   I’m looking forward to more of your straight talk style. You keep it real, and that’s definitely a good thing.

   Have an awesome day!
   Dan

5. Top Blogger Roll Call: Ask Dan And Jennifer | J.R.’s Seeds For Wealth on February 23rd, 2007 9:05 am

   […] Bipolar Booty Call […]

6. Jane on February 25th, 2007 6:42 pm

   I think you hit the nail on it’s head. This is definately a sign of a booty call. The most important thing in a relationship is feeling valued and loved. The once in a while thing isn’t going to make anyone feel valued…just a sense of relief for about 3 minutes.

7. Alex Shalman on February 26th, 2007 1:32 pm

   I actually know several males and not surprisingly fewer females that prefer the “booty call” approach. They say that it takes less time than a relationship and has a lot less hassle involved. While this has gone badly for some, by them getting attached and hurt, others are still enjoying this lifestyle.

8. Dan and Jennifer on February 26th, 2007 2:33 pm

   Funny that you say that… I just read an article the other day saying that more and more women are opting out of marriage and choosing more casual relationship instead. If I find the article again, I’ll post a link here.

9. Me in CA on March 7th, 2007 8:16 pm

   Wow! I want to thank Dan, Jennifer, Jane and Alex for taking the time to read and respond to my question. I really did not think my posting was going to get a response, but it did, and for that I’m greatful. It isn’t what I wanted to hear, but needed to. I am disappointed that my emotions were in most part vain. However, I do believe him when he said he did care, as well as one particular time that he said “I would rob a bank for you.” I miss him, but have moved on. If and when he ever contacts me again, something tells me he will, I will handle things differently. There was a time when we felt very attracted to each other. I think we blew it by having sex too early. Trust me, the next approach will be different.

10. Scott on March 10th, 2007 2:22 pm

    I’m going to play the devil’s advocate on this one.

    People who are BP show very poor judgement when they are cycling into the “manic” phase. It could be that this guy was just making a booty call (one of the symptoms of the manic phase is a loss of inhibitions.)

    However, it could also be that he has very strong feelings for you. There are a couple of things that you mentioned in your post that make me think he might be. The first is that he says that he is afraid of being in love with you, and the second is that he said he would “rob a bank for you.” Well, he probably would! It is very hard for people with BP to reach out to others, so if he has said these things, bizarre as they may be to you, he might be reaching out to you.

    If you are truly in love with this guy, I want to help you understand what you might be getting into. Bipolar is controllable, but it is not (yet) curable. If you enter into a relationship with him, you will need to understand and accept his condition. This is not for everyone. It takes a lot of love, commitment and patience to live with someone who is BP. To be perfectly honest, it can be absolute torture, especially if the person is not responding to medication. (or if they are refusing to take medication)

    Your best move might be to move on, as others have suggested. However, if you have true feelings for this guy, and you want to remain in a relationship with him, you owe it to yourself, and to him, to gain a realistic understanding of bipolar disorder and how it can affect people. I know people who are BP who are in happy marriages with children and the whole bit. It can be done, but it takes a lot of work and commitment.

    Take care,

    Scott

11. Dan and Jennifer on March 10th, 2007 2:49 pm

    Hey Scott, welcome and thanks for sharing your insights. Very helpful perspective.

    Have an awesome day!
    Dan

12. Me in CA on March 13th, 2007 4:20 pm

    Scott, thank you for your response! I have read it several times over. I hope you won’t mind giving me your insight once again. I don’t know if you are a professional or not, but sometimes it is helpful to get an average guy’s point of view. Yes, I do want to be in a relationship with him and I can’t tell you how many countless hours I have spent thinking about him. But I haven’t heard from him in three weeks. Along with my post, I remember in the past initiating some calls to him, but preferred that he call me. Like most women,I like to be pursued. One time I asked him why I hadn’t heard from him in a while. His response was “you could have called me-you have fingers too.” He’s also cantankerous. As of this writing, I have not heard from him (3 wks)and I don’t understand why. I have wanted to call him but I get this very awkward gut feeling each time I pick up the phone. He’s made it very clear to me that he does not make a lot of money - I don’t care. If it was money I was looking for, he would have been out of the picture a long time ago. I am attracted to him as a person. Yes, I turned the sex down that night, but it was because I did not want him to get what he wanted and then disappear again. I told him that I had to think w/my head and not my heart. I wrote a poem, but never delivered it to him:

    Title: CAN YOU READ MY MIND

    Do you still think of me?
    Do you still care?
    Do you wake up in the middle of the night wondering -
    Is she thinking of me right now? - I am
    When you think of me, does your heart skip a beat?
    Do you want to call me, but don’t?
    I miss the feel of your lips, your kiss
    The roughness of your face
    Do you miss me, do you miss me?
    You are cantankerous, yet know your stuff
    Do you want to touch me, does it ache in your heart?
    If you want me, call me
    If you want me, hear me
    If you want me, come get me
    If you want me, unguard your heart
    Come for me, come for me

    Scott, I miss him very much. But if he isn’t pursuing me, then there really isn’t much more that I can do but wait and see if he comes around. Any advice?

13. Scott Davis on March 13th, 2007 7:25 pm

    Me in CA,

    First off, I’d like to say that I think that it is great that you feel this way about him. It takes a big heart to see through the noise and confusion of a mental illness and I applaud your courage.

    So…

    You wrote:

    "I told him that I had to think w/my head and not my heart."

    I think that you need to think with both. You sound like you are sure in your feelings for him, but do you understand the implications of getting into a relationship with him?

    There’s a website I want to show you. Go to www.catchingadarkness.com. It is the story of a girl with bipolar disorder, as told (and pictured) by her younger brother. Catching a Darkness is probably the single best illustration of what Bipolar can be like, for both the person suffering with it and their loved ones. I’ll warn you right now, Catching a Darkness does not have a happy ending, but you will get some sense of the love that the girl’s family felt for her, and their struggles with her illness.

    If you are _absolutely_ serious about continuing with this guy, here’s a suggestion. Find a therapist in your area who specializes in bipolar, and make an appointment with them. (you’ll have to pay for it) Then go in and ask them what you should expect in a relationship with a BP person. You need to go into this with as much information as you can.

    And, no I’m not a professional. I’m just me.

14. Me in CA on March 13th, 2007 9:41 pm

    Thanks Scott! I am going to check out “catchingadarkness” tonight after I leave the office. It sounds pretty interesting. It’s also fair to suggest that I seek the advice of a professional that deals in the field - I will, so that I am better informed. It will take a few days, but I will post the results on the website if Dan and Jennifer let me, and I hope you will be available to read them. For now, I don’t think I will be contacting him - as difficult as it is (it’s been a few frustrating weeks now), and as in the beginning, he does know my number and where I live if he really wanted to see me. I just don’t want to get my hopes up if he’s A) just not as into me as I am with him, or B)Anyone’s guess. Thank you Scott!

15. Me in CA on March 15th, 2007 3:49 pm

    Update! Scott, I checked out “catchingadarkness” and is was eye opening. Thank you. I’ve also spoken w/2 MDs.
    I told them my story, and explained that the one thing that freaked me out was him showing up after a 3 wk hiatus (although he did call me periodically on the phone), and then showing me how he shaved his private area, hoping I would find it attractive! I had never experienced anything like that before. The first doctor described BP this way “picture yourself standing on the first floor of a two story house and water is coming in from evewhere.” The second one said - BP is NO EXCUSE for bad behavior but it certainly explains a lot of it and that those people can be very recluse and their behaviors misunderstood, especially in relationships. So where do yo draw the line? He said I sh/not tolerate nothing more than I would in any other relationship, and, there is always a moment of decision before an act takes place and it’s in this moment that there is power. He said being with someone like that is possible, but it’s hard work - it just depends on whether or not I wanted to invest the time and effort. He wasn’t sure about the booty call thing, because BP usually have a harder time demonstrating their emotions.

16. Scott Davis on March 15th, 2007 5:02 pm

    Hi Me,

    Sounds like you got some great advice!

    Catching A Darkness definitely helps put BP in perspective, doesn’t it? I can’t get the one picture of her lying on the hospital bed out of my mind.

    I think that now that you know what to expect in this relationship, you really need to follow your heart on this one. If you think you can look past all the “noise” of bipolar and see the real man underneath, then I say give it a try.

    However, your second doctor made a great point. Don’t accept any behavior that you wouldn’t tolerate in a normal relationship. You might have some conflict with this guy when you push back on certain things, but that’s a lot better then keeping quiet when he oversteps your boundaries.

    Finally, and this goes for any relationship, know when it’s time to call it quits, and make sure that you have a good support structure for when things get tough. (which they will, with bipolar) Remember to take care of yourself first.

    Good luck,

    Scott

17. Me in CA on March 16th, 2007 1:10 pm

    Here’s an update - while I am deciding what I am going to do, I talked to a guy friend who knows me rather well. Unfortunetly his e-mail to me was not positive. I’ve copied it:
    “it sounds to me like he’s not worth the trouble. I don’t believe for a minute that his bi polar disorder caused him to come over and try to have sex with you that night, it’s simply because he was just being a horny guy. You’ve got to stop making excuses for his disorder, it really shouldn’t matter. If he were an alcoholic and continued to drive drunk, the courts wouldn’t let him off the hook for his disorder, his ass would be sitting in jail. So if you aren’t happy with him the way he is (because he’s not going to change), then you should move on.

    As for him coming over to show you how he shaved his pubic hair, that was just an excuse to (in his mind) turn you on. That’s ALL he wanted too, I’ll guarantee you. You may have ended up just talking that night, but that wasn’t his intention. Don’t believe that for a minute. As for him “reaching out to you” in his bank robbing comment – yeah he may be reaching out in some form, but again I think you’re reading too much into it. I think you’re so hopeful that something will come of this that you’re grasping at straws and drawing conclusions like that. I’d be totally creeped out if someone ever told me that they’d rob a bank for me.

    So, you asked what you should do. You’re wasting your time with this guy. I don’t think you’ll EVER be truly happy with him. You may be happy from moment to moment but you’ll never feel secure with him, you’ll never know what the next day may bring. Why would you put yourself through that? I’m telling you, he’s not worth it. If I were you I’d distance myself from him and cut him out of my life completely. This is way bigger than his bi polar disorder, I mean come on… he’s 39 and lived with his mother until a year ago… and she still handles all of his finances! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again THIS GUY IS A TOTAL IDIOT OF HE DOESN’T HANG ONTO TO YOU! - but now I changed my mind!”

    Scott, you’ve offered the most positive/nutral advice, thank you!

18. chimera on March 31st, 2007 11:59 am

    Hi,

    I was googling some advice and I found this blog. I have known a guy (A) with BP for almost a year. We have had a very odd realtionship but I have stood my ground on the basis of accepting and tolerating only normal behaviour.

    I have also received 2am or 4am booty calls and either 1) not responded 2) told him where to go 3) told him to get his act together and ring me at a normal time.

    Many guys will ring for booty calls - the same happened tonight with someone (B) whom I have only been seeing for a month. I was very surprised and hurt as this guy seemed to really like and respect me, until he cancelled our Friday night date because “he had a cold”, then rang me at 2am Sunday “to catch up” having gone out Saturday night/Sunday a.m. with his friends and did not invite me. “B” is not bipolar…just a horny guy who doesn’t respect me as much as I had hoped.

    “A” is still my friend and there is a huge affection between us, but I am aware that he is not capable at this stage of maintaining a relationship because his manic phase is not under control. When he (A) is depressed I keep his head above water, that is where is see myself as being his friend. I know that he loves me in his way and he is aware that he should not ring/SMS me for booty calls anymore. I have laid down the law on that matter and he now respects it.

    As others have said, do not tolerate any behaviour that you would not accept from others. BP is a disease, not an excuse. Even during a major psychotic episode that some manics experience - they still have a conscience that tells them what is right or wrong, however their inhibition may be lost due to the mania.

    I have loved “A” for some time, but realise that there are limitiations to the relationship while he is not on medication or case managed. I am there for him - you can do the same too if you really feel something strong for the other personality traits of the guy you talked about. Just look after yourself and your interests first, because you can’t help someone else if you are drowning in confusion. Goodluck, I hope it works out for you. If you would like to discuss this any more, feel free to email me: chimera at mm.st

    C.

19. Me in CA on April 4th, 2007 10:59 am

    Hi Chimera! Thank you for writing in, I really appreciate it. After reading your post, I see that we both have shared similar experiences with person Type A. It looks to me like your e-mail address is: chimera - at - mm.stc; Yes, I will be contacting you at that address. Thank you!

20. Kris on April 4th, 2007 9:35 pm

    Dear all,

    I have bipolar disorder and I hate to see such an ugly picture illustrated here. I understand that you guys are trying to put things in perspective but many people lead very successful lives while being stricken with mental illness. I profess that I am not on any medication, but do live with a partner and many friends who would describe me as a rather level individual. One of my best weapons is constant awareness. I think that coming into the relationship from your point of view one of the most important things to keep in mind is that your perception is your reality….that includes the bipolar person, not just you. Its really difficult to deal with people who just want you to be on meds because it is more convenient for them, they really have some rotten side effects. Do you think bipolar people think mania is a good time? I for one think it sucks. At least with depression you can just go to bed and escape. But with mania, sleep doesn’t happen, there is no escape. My point with saying that your perception is your reality is this: things can get a bit skewed at times, they may seem weird, but most bipolar people I know, myself included are wrapped in symbolism in what they do, trying seeing where they are coming from and you may have a fresh perspective of dealing with situations….AND ALWAYS ALWAYS stand your ground. I say this because being manic is a very out of control feeling…and someone who stands their ground gives a feeling of a safe place.

21. Me in CA on April 5th, 2007 10:53 am

    Kris, thanks for writing in! I totally agree with your response; however, I’m not sure what you mean when you describe mania and the lack of judgment that could result from it (the shaving thing?). As you can tell from my post, my relationship was a confusing one, but I was willing to accept it. All I wanted was mutual respect and attention, which apparently he was not willing to give. I’m sad by the fact that I have not heard from him (probably for all of the wrong reasons). Both you and Scott are right, I have stood my ground. Also, I have not made any contact with him. He got what he wanted/needed for a while. After 6 months went by, I asked for a committment which he was not willing to do. I got the picture.

22. Me in CA on April 5th, 2007 9:14 pm

    Hi Chimera - I tried contacting you via your e-mail address but I was unsuccesful. My server said that the address is incomplete. Do you have another e-mail? Thanks!

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