Dating the Wrong People? Change Your Dating Ideal

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Rachel had a problem. A serial dater of musicians, she’d finally had enough of their broke-ass, wannabe rock star ways.

The Rock Star

Substance abuse issues, financial woes, and ceaseless yammering about plans for their bands had given her a bad case of the "what-am-I-doing-with-my-life?" panic. At 35, the fashion-and-lifestyles writer for a big-city daily newspaper realized that, if she was ever going to have a family, the way to go about it wasn’t risking her hearing and sanity at noisy dives ’til 2 in the morning.

The object of desire that had seemed so exciting in her 20s and early-30s — the non-committal man who was always the center of attention and could hold his own in a conversation about Exile on Main Street — suddenly seemed like a dead-end. It was time for a change.

But deciding to make such an alteration is one thing. Actually following up is quite another. After all, Rachel was a rock ‘n’ roller at heart who had worshiped at the altar of Mick Jagger for most of her life.

What was she going to do with a stable and financially secure 9-to-5er who golfs on weekends? But then she met Ben — a secure, older guy whose idea of a wild time was speaking Klingon at a Star Trek convention. More on him later.

Most of us have an ideal in mind, a list of desirable qualities we carry around with us. These may be traceable to all manner of formative experiences — childhood attachments, pop culture milestones, sub-conscious archetypes (if you follow Jung).

Is it purely physical?

On the surface, this could mean a preference for hair color, body type and/or foreign accents. For instance, Madeline, like Rachel, has had a predilection for the bad boy/rock star type, but says, "I’m not sure it’s so much what they do as how they look."

The 34-year-old philosophy professor traces her preferred physical type back to reruns of the old Little Rascals TV show. "My first crush was on Alfalfa," she says. "I still like that type, I guess — dark hair, pale skin, kind of gaunt-looking." Which, it just so happens, matches the look of a couple of musicians she’s dated.

Or maybe it goes a little deeper? 

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Have You Read These Related Stories?

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