Or maybe it goes a little deeper?

On another level, one might demand someone with similar interests, whether it be kayaking, off-track betting, or sharing ideas.

Jeremy, a 37-year-old software developer with a fine arts background, always had the intellectual type in mind — someone with whom he could discuss the novels of Vladimir Nabakov. And if she looked like Kate Winslet, so much the better. "I let a lot of great women go, just because they didn’t conform to this idea I had in my mind," he says.

Changing the ideal 

As we live and learn, however, our criteria changes, whether consciously or unconsciously. "I don’t have an ideal, but I have some guidelines," says Jennifer, a 27-year-old yoga instructor and dancer.

For instance, she doesn’t want to date someone with a kid again or who’s been married before. And she’d prefer someone older, "but not too much. And I used to not like blondes, but I’ve opened up on that idea." Loosening up on that strict list of criteria can open a whole world of dating possibilities you might never even have considered.

Jeremy’s ideal also changed over time. "I hate to sound all New Age-y and crap, but it suddenly hit me that I was chasing something I’d never find," he says. "Or that I might find it but that it wasn’t what I necessarily wanted. Or needed.

"Now, he says, he’s keeping an open mind. "As long as she doesn’t smoke. Well, a couple of cigarettes at a party are okay. And it would be cool if she could hold her own at Grand Theft Auto."

Change your priorities 

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