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Are Friends With Benefits REALLY Beneficial?

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When you’ve been single awhile, friends with benefits might just seem to be the answer to your prayers.

You’re alone and lonely, you miss the closeness, you miss being touched and desired, and you may think a FWB (Friends with Benefits) relationship is just what you need.

But have you considered all of the consequences it brings with it?

Imagine a friend approaches you and suggests the two of you embark on a friends with benefits relationship.  If you are attracted to your friend or have wished that your friendship was something more than just a friendship, you might think you have nothing to lose.  You run through all the pros in your mind. Regular sex, intimacy, spending time with someone you like. Hmmm, those sound pretty good!  What the heck? Why not?

Setting the ground rules

One of the first things that usually happens is a discussion of the ground rules.  You may decide that while you are sleeping together you won’t sleep with anyone else.  That if either you meets someone with ‘relationship potential,’ you’re free to walk away without any hassles.  You discuss the fact that it’s not a relationship.  No romantic feelings should be involved.  It’s just about the sex.  Or is it?

Those pesky hormones

The problem is, especially it seems for women, that feelings do develop.  Biology gets involved releasing hormones, such as oxytocin, that make us form an attachment when, in reality, none exists. 

It’s almost certain to happen.  She imagines she feels more than she really does. And this, my friends, is how you end up getting hurt.

If you already have some feelings for your friend, you may go into these FWB relationships thinking that he’ll develop feelings for you. 

Guess what? It isn’t going to happen.  If he was going to develop feelings for you, he more than likely already would have. 

Men do not have the same biology issue that women have.  He is totally able to have his cake and eat it too without any pesky old feelings getting in the way.  He’ll say good bye, forget about you until next week when he gets horny again and that will be that.  He isn’t going to fall in love with you just because he starts sleeping with you.

Single white female seeking nothing

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To learn more about Lisa Quirke, visit http://20-forty.com/.
Posted On February 14, 2008 · Filed Under Dating Tips & Advice · Tagged With , , , , , , , , , ,

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  • amber
    I also do not agree with this.. I have a friend with benefits. I love him to death, but only as a friend. I still look for other relationships and when i do get hurt it is nice to have him there to console me. We both know it is not going any further than sex.
  • Liebhaber
    It sounds to me as if it is the perfect relationship for superficial people -- men or women - who don't have much emotional depth and just want to get some pleasure out of life. Packet of popcorn, cigarettes, a few beers and a shag - sort of mentality.

    Lisa, I think you are worried about people who are not like that and am looking for something else, sometthing more meaningful and romantic.

    Or am I mistaken?
  • I think you're on to something Honey, though I'm surprised that you think men have a more difficult time. That's something I'll have to ponder! But I think you're right. Building self esteem would be, at the least, a very good first step.
  • In my experience, it's the women who are fine with FB type relationships, whereas men get attached and want commitment. IMO, this is because men tend to view women they're intimate with as conquests or property, but the practical effect is the same. Maybe the solution (for both men and women) isn't to avoid these types of relationships, but to actively build self-esteem so that they don't feel the need read into the relationship things that aren't there in order to feel good about themselves.
  • I didn't say there was a complete emotional disconnect. The ideal situation is where you're friends (hence the friends part), mildly affectionate, sexual, and able to connect intimately AND selectively. It's almost like being a gf/bf but only during the moments when you're together. What you're cutting out is all the relationship stuff for whatever reason. This requires a fairly high level of maturity and emotional stability, but it's really not a bad deal. Imagine if you're a super-busy, single professional. No time to have a relationship, but you can be intimate once every week or so. These people need this kind of thing and it works.
  • Hi Lance...I appreciate your comments. Unfortunately, I have seen and experienced the side I described...among adults, not college students...

    I do agree that is a legitimate relationship type, just not the kind that works for everyone. I'm definitely not judging. If it works for you, that's fabulous. I just know it doesn't work for me and for many of the women I've talked to.
  • Lisa, I thought your article was well written, but I don't agree. As long as the two partners are mature and understand the score, ie embrace the FB relationship like adults, there's not going to be a problem. Friends with benefits is a legit relationship type and quite common. Also, a self esteem issue? Sorry, I'm not buying it. All of the women I know are smarter and self realized enough to not get hung up on a casual relationship. That kind of stuff happens in college.
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