Ask Dan and Jennifer » abuse

Neglect Is Not An Expression Of Love

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 01:00:09 +0000

My dander got riled up this morning as I found myself reminiscing about a period in my life when I experienced profound neglect within a love relationship. I allowed the neglect to continue for fifteen years. For some reason this morning, perhaps it was a song playing in the background or the breeze coming through the window, I had an instantaneous experience of the ludicrousness of my treating myself so badly as to allow that kind of abuse to continue for so long.

What Neglect Really Is

As soon as the instantaneous experience ended, I knew I had to write my next article for AskDanandJennifer.com about neglect in a relationship, the various ways it can look, with encouragement for you to take a stand for yourself if you ever find yourself in the position of being neglected by someone you love. You are worthy of being loved. Neglect is not an expression of love.

I will mention straight up that I know I usually bring a certain amount of levity and humor to my articles. I think that most of us could stand to lighten up a bit and enjoy the journey called romance. This subject, however, is serious because neglect is abusive. In the scheme of abusive behaviors, it is so “soft” an abuse that it is easy to ignore.

I do not know what causes people to neglect those they love. I have only ever been on the receiving end of it. If I neglect someone, it is because I have decided I no longer want that person in my life. Chances are I have already said “good-bye” and neglect becomes a natural part of no longer attending to that relationship. However, I know that there are those who neglect the ones they love and they do it frequently. When I was on the receiving end of neglect, I clearly understood that it was the other person who held all the power in the relationship. He could make me feel small, insignificant, and incapable of defending myself by simply ignoring me.

Neglect As A Form Of Control?

So, perhaps those who use neglect as a weapon against those they love do so in order to feel powerful and in control. Neglect could even be a way for one person to dominate another. It is an insidious and ugly way to exercise control over another person. It is possible it is a tactic for domination.

I believe that there are people who use neglect as a weapon and as punishment who would fight you if you suggested they did not truly love the person they punish in this way. I believe these people are confused by and conflicted about their behavior. I believe they were badly hurt as children and youth, discovering neglect as a survival tool. They probably do not know how to love any other way. However, neglect is not an act of love and if you are on the receiving end of it, you have the right to understand and act on the truth that you are worthy of better expressed love than that.

Both women and men are inclined to remain in relationships that hurt when they do not have the self-esteem to know they deserve better. If you are on the receiving end of neglect, you likely feel the pain and know the history that drives your lover’s behavior. You likely feel sorry for him or her and would rather stay in the relationship with the hope that you can make a difference in his or her life. I challenge you to look at this way of thinking as an excuse to stay put in a relationship that reinforces your belief that you are not worthy of better love than this.

Loving Yourself As A Cure

Neglect can take on many forms. It can be a lover who looks at you in disdain whenever he or she feels disappointed by you. You experience neglect when he or she is rude or disrespectful of you on a regular basis, whether publicly, privately, or both. When he or she routinely seeks out the company of others, leaving you behind without taking your feelings or desires into account, this is neglect. If he or she withholds sex, refusing to address or acknowledge the problem, this is neglect of the worst sort.

I cannot convince you in an article to love yourself more deeply, intimately, and fiercely! There comes a day in everyone’s life when it all comes down to you. The need for love of self is one of those “it all comes down to you” things. Usually, it is the painful parts of life that drive you to your knees, forcing you to make the choice to love you no matter what.

Love doesn’t hurt. If someone is hurting you in any way, even if it is the “soft” hurt of neglect, take a good long look at the dynamics in your relationship and determine what is best for you. You cannot make your lover change. You can only change yourself. And you can only change yourself once you love yourself enough to know you deserve love that feels good, right, safe, and pure.

Help! My Husband Is Forcing Me To Make A Porn Video! (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 14:09:27 +0000

You’re with someone you love, but your relationship seems to be going in a downward spiral.

You’re not alone! There’s fighting, arguing and even ultimatums involved.

How do you know if you’re being manipulated? Abuse isn’t limited to just physical abuse. Both men and women are verbally and even sexually abused and manipulated often in relationships.

How do you know when to draw the line?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Your article on Husbands addicted to porn, my husband falls in that slot, but he wants me to sleep with other men while he video tapes it. We’ve been married for 11 yrs. I did it three times for him, and now I told him I can’t, its wrong, and told him he needs help, he says he doesn’t. If he doesn’t get his way he tells me he will leave me, and makes my life a living hell, with the fighting.

He says if I love him I will do this one more time. He also wants me to do a website, and he wants to sell these videos.

My friend thinks I should leave. I have three kids, and I don’t want to fail them. Any ideas on how I should deal with this?

– Gloria, Illinois

Wait! Give this Video 5 Stars and Subscribe Today so you don’t miss a single video.

Verbal Manipulation

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What The Church Should Be Telling You About Sexuality But Isn’t…

Christ Pro Erotic — Sun, 04 May 2008 23:47:36 +0000

I have heard every type of sermon in 30 years time ranging from the typical foundational teachings to Dr. Seuss (if you can believe it) as a reference for deeper truths.

But the more typical subjects on sexual issues and relationship issues in the church and elsewhere range from marriage, single dating, and sex before or during marriage, abortion, and the dreaded gay and lesbian surge.

Sadly, there are other issues out there believers in Christ should be hearing from their pulpits. So permit this writer to expose some of those subjects because its high time believers and non-believers alike fight against such things for the sake of everyone on the planet.

Why don’t we hear about rape?

Why don’t we hear a preacher talk about how rape affects everyone? EVERYONE! According to Rape Abuse and Incest National Network 1 out of 6 women and 1 out of 33 men are raped in their lifetime. This leads to depression, suicide, and drug/alcohol abuse, not the pretty “sweet by and by” topics heard but something every believer and non-believer needs to hear about.

And the children, that’s a whole article in itself; incest and ministerial abuse is even as disgusting and falls under this category. There is also the topic of prison rape that is largely ignored by the best of minister (especially when dealing with prison ministries)

If the church really wants to see healing of the body, mind, spirit, and soul then they need to deal with this topic head on. Until it is, thousands of men, women and children will keep in silence never finding healing or release for the things they’ve experienced. Anger, bitterness, rage, and deep hurt are issues that need the churches attention more than if two men or women live in loving relationships.

Why don’t we hear about the international sex trade?

Around the world the sex trade is so huge it is catastrophic to many families and friends. From families who can’t afford to keep their kids and give their kids away to the sex trade to women taken from villages from eastern and developing countries to satisfy the needs of their “clientele” this is a crime which needs a voice.

Where are the ministers in the world who will give these women (and men) a voice? Girls from preteens and older need someone to speak for them or they will be nothing more than objects in the hands of people who have no care for their welfare.

Why do we not hear about adults with urges for sexual relationship with children?

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How To Move Beyond Childhood Abuse And Have Healthier Relationships As An Adult

Melody Brooke — Sat, 22 Mar 2008 13:37:58 +0000

Jim looked at Shannon with a cacophony of feelings; love, lust, appreciation and fear and wanted desperately to reach for her.

Shannon could sense his looking at her, in spite of her back being turned to him as she washed the dishes. Her spine tensed and she felt afraid and then angry.

Jim felt her energy shift and could feel the coldness she projected out at him. He stood frozen in his tracks uncertain as to what to do.

He knew she loved him, and that she wanted to please him. He also knew she would succumb to him if he asserted himself, but she would be angry with him for days. He went back to clearing off the table and securing their doors for the night.

How it all began

“Jim and Shannon” are a composite of couples I have worked with over the years. Shannon is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and had yet to understand all the ways it impacts her relationship with Jim.

Shannon thinks Jim is too focused on sex and, unspoken she really believes he only loves her for what she does for him sexually. She feels shame that he can’t love her for who she is, but doesn’t really think anyone would.

Jim spent his life craving touch. His mother knew that she shouldn’t “coddle him”; her mother taught her well that boys need to be “toughened up”. She let him console himself when he fell and discouraged his affection toward her.

When Jim became a teenager he discovered the joy of touching girls, and the rush of hormones that came with that touch. Touch then, for Jim, became inseparable from sex.

When he met Shannon he thought he had found a woman who was very open and comfortable with sexuality. She never denied him anything he wanted and he felt loved for once in his life.

Ramifications of abuse

Now, as he stood in the kitchen wanting her so badly, he didn’t understand why she no longer seemed to be able to love him as she once had. He felt guilty for wanting her and confused at her rejection of him. His anger and resentment built every time she rejected him.

Shannon had started therapy and she told Jim her therapist said she should not have sex with him until she wanted, and to assert her own needs rather than always succumbing to his.

Shannon’s sexual abuse had taught her to please men, but not herself. The disgust and pain she felt at the thought of sex convinced her she could just as well live without it.

It made her angry that Jim continually pushed her to do something he knew was painful and not fun for her. It reinforced her belief that he could only love her if she gave in to his sexual needs. She felt resentful and angry at his insensitivity, a belief her therapist reinforced in each weekly session.

How to untangle the mess

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