Ask Dan and Jennifer » adultery

Letterman Scandal Shines Light On Serial Adulterers

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 00:00:18 +0000

As news broke recently about David Letterman’s admitted relationships with women who worked for him, it points again to the fact that people in the spotlight tend to act out when stressed and pursue illicit relationships. The Letterman scandal was brought to light by a CBS newsman who originally tried to use the information as part of an extortion scheme. The man was apparently desperate and deeply in debt when he tried to blackmail the talk show host for two million dollars, forcing the late night comic to acknowledge having sex with some of the women who work for him.

This accusation and subsequent admission on Letterman’s part has created a sticky legal and professional situation. Although the affairs were prior to his marriage to his long-time girlfriend, the couple was apparently together during the time of the indiscretions.

What’s Behind Serial Adultery?

I’m reminded of the circumstances surrounding John Edward’s affair. While some of the key details are different – Edwards had a family, his wife was sick, he was likely fearing her death and a drastic change in his family and career – many of the important details are the same. Both are men in the spotlight, under an immense amount of pressure. People in the public eye have a higher instances of affairs because they’re under intense stress on a daily basis, and therefore are more prone toward a self-medicated high to temporarily cancel out the stressful emotions they feel. Edwards and Letterman both have the problem of being serial adulterers, which I explain more in my book, Makeup Don’t Breakup. But the good news is that since both these men have come clean to their families and the public, this situation can actually bring their respective families closer. The truth is out in the open and ready to be dealt with.

Traditionally, men have a harder time talking about their feelings and therefore seek “comfort” by engaging in risky behavior. Once this behavior is discovered – often in the form of an affair – it doesn’t have to signal the end of a relationship. Instead, it can be used as a spring board for honest discussion. More information on facilitating these types of discussions following potentially disastrous indiscretions – relational, financial and otherwise – can be found in my book, Financial Infidelity.

The Good Wife

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 00:00:40 +0000

A show called The Good Wife, is a drama that focuses on the wife of a politician. Her husband has recently been thrown in jail for his part in a public sex and corruption scandal. She then returns to her old job as a defense attorney in an attempt to rebuild her life and provide for her kids.

It’s a bit of a different tack than the one taken by Jenny Sanford, wife of fallen politician Mark Sanford who has lied about being on vacation when he was out of the country visiting his mistress. As I’ve mentioned before, Jenny is seemingly engaging in what I call a “make up to break up” – she threw him out but left the door open.

Temporary Breakups To Reconnect

A temporary break up can help resolve certain issues, and creates a shake-up that many couples need. In certain circumstances, this is the only thing that will create an action step which will make reconnecting and making up easier to do. Creating this strategy – and it MUST be a strategy, not something entered into half-heartedly – is not the end of the relationship, but rather a new beginning. When you break up to make up you get an endorphin rush, they don’t want you till you don’t want them.

Just about everyone craves some sort of excitement in their life – and some people push boundaries to find it. Anything from skydiving – to having a physical, emotional or financial affair. If you’re lacking excitement in your relationship and are heading into dangerous territory (i.e., considering some kind of infidelity), know that wanting to seek the high that comes from a risky experience is normal – but how you handle the situation can make or break your relationship.

Forgiving Adultery Or Condoning It?

Although the public ramifications of Mark’s affair weren’t known until more recently, Jenny says she knew of it as early as January. Yet according to the New York Daily news, as recently as June he begged his wife to let him go visit his mistress. “I said absolutely not. It’s one thing to forgive adultery; it’s another thing to condone it.”

People are looking for novelty, for that dopamine high we get when we try something new and adventurous. Unfortunately, many people sacrifice a relationship they’ve worked hard to build on the quest for that high.

So it remains to be seen how things play out with the Sanfords and if Jenny’s “break up” will be successful, or if she’ll end up like the fictional counterparts on The Good Wife – looking to support her family on her own.

Should You Stand By Your Man After An Affair?

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 00:00:16 +0000

We’ve all seen it over and over … politicians (and others who are vocal and visible) preach morality, family and the like, and end up falling victim to an affair. Then, what’s perhaps more surprising to us, is that the spouse (usually the wife) decides to stick it out. To forgive and forget and work through whatever issues have arisen. This decision baffles a lot of us, and it’s one that Governor Mark Sanford’s wife, Jenny, recently tried to explain in a recent interview. She’s the gracious, forgiving woman being called a “role model,”by the Washington Post, and a “media genius” by Newsweek.

Infidelity Is An Addiction

In June, when Gov. Sanford admitted that he had not been traveling along the Appalachian Trail, but in fact, traipsing around Argentina with the mistress he had met eight years ago, Jenny was cool and composed. She and her sons then moved out of the governor’s mansion, but the former investment banker turned stay-at-home mother of four has decided to give her husband another chance, for a reason I completely agree with: Infidelity is an addiction and – just like when someone’s addicted to drugs or alcohol – it becomes nearly impossible to break away.

For this reason, I deem adultery the “forgivable sin” and, in my book Can we Cure and Forgive Adultery, delve into reasons why people need to conquer this biochemical craving for connection and have an affair with their own partner!

As Jenny aptly put it, “Everybody would like an escape sometimes. I’d like somebody 5,000 miles away I could E-mail. It’s not exclusive to men, but I know that isn’t realistic.”

Affairs Are Self-Medicating

Engaging in an affair can provide the desire for an illicit self-medicating, thrill-seeking “high” that many people seek. This can easily become a self-enforcing cycle: politicians and others of us under a lot of stress are looking for a release from this constant pressure. An affair fulfills the biochemical craving for connection, along with that high and thrill of a new romance. But keeping up the charade only causes more pressure. And so the cycle perpetuates itself. In order to re-instate that connection with our partner I suggest taking some time apart and doing what I call a “brush with death,” which Jenny has already done.

More instructions can be found in my book, Make up, Don’t Breakup, but when you do this “break up to make up” correctly, you’re operating from the position that you don’t know what you have till you lose it. This is a technique that jolts most people into getting their feelings back and falling back in love with their partner.

Forgiveness Is Divine

Or, in the words of Jenny Sanford:

“All I can do is forgive. Reconciliation is something else, and that is going to be a harder road. I have put my heart and soul into being a good mother and wife. Now I think it’s up to my husband to do the soul-searching to see if he wants to stay married. The ball is in his court.”

Christian Couples FINALLY Enjoying ‘Whoopee’ Time!

Christ Pro Erotic — Sun, 20 Jul 2008 13:56:43 +0000

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ;Let me take the speck out of your eye when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?"" Matthew 7: 3,4 (New International Version)

Nearly five years since starting Christian Pro Erotic, after years of struggling with my faith and my sexual needs, after hearing the stories of many people of faith in the same situation I finally read the article in the July 7th Time Magazine.

Sexuality for Married Couples

And God Said, "Just Do It" is about Christian fellowships and churches tackling sexuality for married couples. It seems a movement is burgeoning where ministers and ministries are focusing on one issue: married couples in the church need more sex!

Finally, after so many years, we are cleaning a stubborn speck in the eye. Instead of putting down those in the world whose marriages do not live up to the snuff of church standards Christians will finally try to take out the plank of high divorce rates and failed sex lives from the eye of the body of Christ.

Christian couples are finding programs such as New Directions Christian Church (Memphis, Tennessee) with their series"40 Nights of Grreat Sex" or Relevant Church (Tampa, Florida) with their "30-Day Sex Challenge" available to them to help their marriages grow and prosper.

I can tell you 20 years ago or so the advice would have been to "just pray about it and God will give you the clues to figure our how it will work out".

A step in the right direction

Not anymore.

Now along with the Good Book we are finding couples armed with (gasp) the Joy of Sex in their arsenal to take back their bedrooms from a stale existence.

To me this is a step in the right direction and one which is way overdue; if these materials were available to Christian couples in the past–leadership and members–many marriages could have avoided heartache and tragedy in their lives. To realize they are failing in the battle in the bedroom is a signal playtime is over. The church is ready to catch up with many other couples who made each night a night to remember.

The church had a flimsy argument to folks outside the church about engaging in spicing up their bedroom life. We kept serving Vanilla when everyone else dove into cartons of Rocky Road and Cookies and Cream (whether you add this to your bedroom play is up to you).

The church balked at toys, oils, massages and (gasp) alternative venues to make things interesting. The thing I could not understand was how those folks who lasted 40 plus years together keep it together when it came to times of intimacy?

The road that led to adultery

…

Top 10 Signs of a Cheating Man

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 04 Apr 2007 02:25:40 +0000

Ladies, you know in your heart if your man is cheating on you. You can feel it…

Maybe you’ve suspected for a while that things aren’t quite right in your relationship and you’re worried that maybe he’s stepping out on you, but you just can’t put your finger on exactly what’s bugging you.

Well, here are some concrete signs to watch out for if you think he may be unfaithful…

Top 10 Signs of a Cheating Man

From http://www.WomanSavers.com

A cheating man can only hide his cheating ways for so long before he gets caught. The longer a man cheats, the higher probability he will get caught. In this busy day and age, it is difficult to carry on more than one relationship. However, with inventions like the internet, accessibility to willing partners has become easier than ever. There are various ways of how to tell if your man is cheating. We have listed the top 10 signs of a cheating man below. How to know if your man is cheating? If your man exhibits any of the below, it may be time to take a closer look.

1. Spends less time with you.

A cheating man must use the excuse of working long hours, extra meetings and dinners or other unexplained functions so he will have time with his “other” woman.

2. Isn’t as affectionate any more.

Your sex life in almost non-existent because of his other commitments. He doesn’t want to cuddle, watch a movie, hold hands or do many of the touchy things he used to.

3. He changes his physical appearance.

A cheating man usually starts buying new clothes, gets a new hair style or begins working out because he wants to be attractive to the other woman in his life besides you.

4. Car changes.

The passenger seat in the car has been moved or there is an unknown hair on the car seat. Perhaps the radio station is on an irregular station because that’s what she likes.

5. Change in temperament.

A cheating man becomes more short-tempered because of the guilty feelings as a result of the infidelity. Things that usually did not bother them suddenly start bothering them…

Top 10 Signs She May Be Cheating On You

Dan and Jennifer — Sun, 01 Apr 2007 22:45:44 +0000

You know that feeling in the pit of your stomach that tells you what your heart doesn’t want to hear.

That feeling that tells you she may be cheating on you.

Things just don’t feel right with your relationship and you’re worried that maybe she’s stepping out on you, but you just can’t put your finger on exactly what’s bugging you.

Well, here are some concrete signs to watch out for if you think she may be unfaithful…

Top 10 Signs She’s Cheating

by Shawn Croft for AskMen.com

No man likes to discover that his girlfriend has set her eyes on another chump. What is even more heart shattering is the discovery that she has already done the unimaginable and cheated on you.

Here are some signs that she might have taken a roll in another man’s hay bale. But before you start suspecting your girlfriend or accusing your wife of cheating, remember that these are just signs. Ultimately, you should trust your instincts.

You must also be on the look out for combinations of these cheating signs for a more definitive indication of trouble. Lastly, there is the chance, however slight, that she is actually doing some of these things to provoke jealousy or to attract you , so be careful, be wise and, most importantly, be smart.

1. Scent of another man

Scent is a very important sign of cheating girlfriend, but if she suddenly starts wearing a new fragrance, the alarm bells need not sound off. She might be simply trying to spice things up in your relationship. Going off the deep end too soon could damage your love life — permanently. However, if you smell another man’s cologne on her clothes, hands or neck, then she may be planting her lips where she shouldn’t. Watch out.

2. She doesn’t criticize you anymore

There was a time when she cared about what you did or said, in fact, she used to hound you about those type of things. Now, it seems that she couldn’t care less if you were dead or alive and concern about your habits, good and bad, have retreated to the recesses of her mind. She might have simply given up on trying to convert you or she finally accepted your faults, but she could have just as easily met someone else who does not have your faults and bad qualities.

3. You caught her in a lie

Catching her in a flat-out lie is a key sign that she is cheating on you or doing something wicked. When you discover that the person you’re supposed to trust has been lying to you, your feelings will surely run the gamut — from anger to rage, and from frustration to sadness. But keep this in mind: if men are stuck with the "once a liar, always a liar" lyric, the same stigma can be applied to women.

4. Your sex life is nonexistent

In the past, the two of you went at it like wild animals in heat, but now she gives you the cold shoulder when you try to initiate sexual relations and intimacy is nonexistent. Either she has lost interest in you, which is not good, or she is getting her kicks elsewhere, which is really not good. It’s time for a talk if the two of you are still intimate but find that she lacks any desire for you.

5. She has a new wardrobe

She has an entirely new wardrobe, her lingerie has taken a cue from Victoria’s Secret and her hair looks great. She could be cheating on you, but here is a warning to the paranoid: if she started a new job, for example, she is probably not cheating. If she is doing this all for you, wake up and please her as she is not cheating on you… at least not yet…