Ask Dan and Jennifer » adultery

The New Fatal Attraction

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Sat, 20 Mar 2010 21:39:10 +0000

In 1968, Andy Warhol predicted that “In the future, everyone will be world-famous for fifteen minutes.” It struck a chord and has been a favorite phrase of those achieving fleeting media publicity ever since. Between reality TV and the Internet, Warhol’s prediction has come true in ways unfathomable prior to the 1990’s when the Internet first gained commercial status.

Since November 2009, there is a new breed of publicity grabbing hustlers that ought to strike fear in the heart of philandering men the same way Glenn Close did in Fatal Attraction, when her character, Alex, declared to her lover, “I will not be ignored!” High profile, philandering men beware, there are women who will use you to grab their fifteen minutes of fame at the expense of your reputation and your family’s peace of mind.

Gaining Attention

Sandra Bullock’s husband, Jesse James, was outed for having an affair by the woman he had the affair with. Sound familiar? Tiger Woods now infamous long list of women claiming to have been his lover is seared in our memories as part of the 2009 Holiday season background noise.

You don’t have to have the celebrity status of a Tiger Woods or Jesse James. With today’s fifteen minutes of world wide fame, YouTube can accommodate the whims of any woman in the tiniest community who has just a little knowledge of web sites that require you to sign up, sign in, and load up a little information and then, there you have it; your life as you know it ruined by the other woman, using the affair to create notoriety for herself.

When a number of the women Tiger slept with came forward with their names, faces, and occupations, people were stunned that those women had the audacity to draw attention to themselves rather than disappear into the shadows for fear a scarlet letter “A” be emblazoned on their lives. What kind of woman reveals her status as the lover of an adulterer? What kind of society encourages such displays?

I have a hunch about this. Women are born with an innate desire for their men to protect and provide for them. Never before in history has society offered the other woman the means to either force her adulterous lover’s hand to protect and provide for her or to do that for herself by taking advantage of multiple forms of media to plead her case to the public.

Using An Affair For Publicity

John Edwards’ mistress, Rielle Hunter, raised people’s ire recently with published photographs that included a picture of her lying on her back in bed, looking seductively at the camera as she clutched their child to her breast. She reportedly posed for the pictures because she needed the money. With no apparent regard for good taste or the questionable appropriateness of using her child this way, Rielle used her affair with the former senator and presidential candidate to provide for herself monetarily.

In 2010 in the Western world, the other woman has more power to take care of herself at her lover’s expense than ever before in recorded history. While notoriety and ephemeral fame are short lived providers, they give the other woman a weapon that serves her, not him. That is the distinction that could make this public tell-all by the other woman a new and growing trend. Time will tell.

Elin And Tiger’s Move Too Soon?

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 14:00:18 +0000

One source is referring to Elin and Tiger Woods the “married divorced couple” and with the pair’s decision to move back in together to help “rebuild his image,” it seems that this nomenclature may actually make sense. There’s nothing wrong with taking some time apart after something as painful as infidelity, in fact it’s something I suggest. An intentional break up with the idea of continuing to work toward a healthy solution – when two people still want to be together, but have major obstacles to overcome. A temporary break up can help resolve certain issues, and creates a shake-up that many couples need. In certain circumstances, this is the only thing that will create an action step which will make reconnecting and making up easier to do. But – the brush with death is only potent if done for a long enough period of time – it’s possible they may need more time apart to appreciate their relationship.

Did Tiger And Elin Spend Enough Time Apart?

Elin and Tiger spent time apart, but did they spend enough time to successfully achieve the desired affects of a brush with death? Of course it’s impossible to know a couple’s true circumstances and motivation but my concern is that Tiger is motivated by a public perception that wants to see him picking up the pieces and he may not have taken the sufficient steps to make the relationship work with the one person that really matters in this equation: his wife.

The source quoted in People magazine says: “The marriage is all smoke and mirrors, but Elin will help Tiger rebuild his image and gain new sponsorships because this is what his life is all about. She is doing this more for the kids and holding the family together then anything else.”

When To Move Forward

People in situations similar to Elin’s typically need something to pour themselves into after such a catastrophe and it’s not uncommon to put even more effort into one’s family. But without properly working through the root causes of each issue, all the family focus or “brushes with death” in the world won’t be enough to put lives back together. Is there a way to know when you’re ready to move forward with a relationship after something so painful? There isn’t one easy answer to that question but I believe healing can begin to start between a couple when it’s started individually.

I encourage people in this situation to use “Smart Heart” skills and dialogue to cure the Bio Chemical Craving for Connection – this creates a safe place of communication where each partner can be honest about their shortcomings and fears. Divorces occur as people do not have the tools to cure this disease, it is treatable/curable and forgivable when treated properly.

Andrew Young Covers For John Edwards

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 21:00:43 +0000

News broke this week that John Edwards and his wife Elizabeth are splitting up, which actually happens in the majority of adultery cases (65%). And since this is such an extreme case, it’s easy to see how – if they weren’t receiving the proper counseling or commitment – this could have happened.

Prior to John Edwards accepting paternity of the daughter he fathered with a woman working on his campaign, his aide had accepted responsibility for this child. On the eve of his aide, Andrew Young, releasing a tell-all memoir (which he’ll be discussing this week on 20/20) that was set to reveal Edwards as the real father – among other admissions and accusations we’ll likely just have to wait to find out about – Edwards himself finally made his guilty admission: that in addition to having an affair he copped to last year, he had also fathered a child.

Denials Give Way To Emotional Issues

These denials, cover-ups, subsequent admissions, more lies and cover-ups and more admissions indicate is likely trying to work through some severely emotional problems. Of course, all affairs and lies are wrong, upsetting and emotionally draining, but it’s likely to get blown out of proportion into an even wider scope when the cycle of stress, lies and affairs is perpetuated by someone in the spotlight - and when more and more drama is piled on as the lies compound.

I think it’s time that we as a society began to look at adultery for what it truly is: an addiction. Just like no other addiction should be excused or justified, so must we demand restitution for infidelity. But looking at it as an addiction or “affair disease” will also help us understand and treat the problem.

We need to stop glamorizing adultery, or – alternatively – bastardizing it. I believe that we CAN cure and forgive adultery (an idea I go into in-depth in my book by the same name). Politicians have high burn out rate and they’re looking to alleviate the pressure and stress – what I call the biochemical craving for connection. This can easily become a self-enforcing cycle: politicians and others of us under a lot of stress are looking for a release from this constant pressure. An illicit affair provides the biochemical connection we’re craving, along with that high and thrill of a new romance. But keeping up the charade only causes more pressure, and so the cycle perpetuates itself.

What Causes Adultery

Adultery can be triggered by feelings of stress, separation and loss. Here again, these are all things Edwards has experienced and – because of his role in the public eye – experienced at an intense degree. The stress of his job not to mention the stress of attempting to run a presidential campaign. The fear of separation from his wife as she battled cancer. The loss of a child he fathered with Elizabeth. This things have all likely played out to their conclusion, resulting in the affair and subsequent attempted cover-up.

One of the things we can learn from the fall from grace is that we need to learn to articulate what we’re feeling before it’s too late. It’s likely that Edwards subconsciously couldn’t handle the idea of losing the election or losing his wife or losing his son – and so he sought a way to cancel out that fear and loss by deciding to cheat. It’s a way of acting out – not talking out – extreme feelings in a person’s life. Don’t make the mistake of acting and not talking – it’s impossible to take back such a decision.

John Edwards’ Emotional Pyramid Scheme

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 21:00:41 +0000

The New York Daily News came out with an article on John Edwards’ lyin’ , cheatin’ ways recently where one expert offered the opinion that his untruths, denials and eventual admissions make “Tiger Woods look like an amateur.” I’m quoted in the same article, explaining Edwards’ propensity toward the thrill of the lying and cheating as part of an “emotional pyramid scheme” he constructed for himself and then became addicted to. As he heaped more and more lies and deceit on top of one another, he concocted an elaborate life that he was then able to fool the public – and apparently his own family – into believing.

Understanding Adultery

Creating this type of scheme is nothing new for addicts with the affair disease, who are constantly on the look-out for the next thrill, the next high. Frequently, people under pressure are susceptible to these desires as a way for escape, unfortunately this type of “escape” only creates more pressure and more stress, so the person must up the ante of the type of behavior they engage in. In Edwards’ case we now see he was lying about lying, lying about cheating, lying about fathering a child and so forth. It’s obviously a disturbing and upsetting cycle but it can be easy to get trapped inside.

Most of us will never face circumstances as extreme as Edwards’, but many, many of us are under intense amounts of stress none the less, ad then we choose to self-medicate in any number of ways—with alcohol, medication, sex, or money—can begin with a desire to relieve stress or mute depression. The addiction then progresses to a preoccupation with where their next “fix” will come from, and often involves a strong desire to create rituals around obtaining the “high.” This preoccupation becomes a compulsion—to use drugs or alcohol, or to have sex, or to shop—followed by depression and despair as the effects wear off, leading to the start of the cycle all over again.

How To Avoid Destructive Behavior

The key to avoiding such destructive behavior is communication and the ability to identify the potential for destructive behavior when stressed. This is true of any type of thrill-seeking behavior but can be specifically applied when in a relationship where one partner (or both) has been tempted by, or succumbed to, infidelity. In my book, Adultery the Forgivable sin, I expand on this idea of communication and ways in which I believe couples who would normally have a 35% chance of staying together after an affair can now emerge with a 98% chance of relational success.

Adultery is a disease, thrill-seeking behavior is an addiction and both are treatable. It’s caused by stress and fear of separation and loss. As I’ve mentioned before, successful people in the spotlight – like Edwards and Tiger to name only two – experience these emotions intensely and regularly because of their line of work. Edwards was likely especially challenged by fear of separation and loss when he lost his child and when his wife struggled through cancer during the elections. All these components can add up to make the life he faced as a politician even more stressful and frightening.

Of course I would never excuse someone’s adulterous, lying behavior but if we can seek to understand it, like we seek to understand other addiction I believe we can keep couples together.

John Edwards’ Situation Looks Bleak – Can It Be Saved?

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 00:00:16 +0000

By now, the news of John Edwards’ admittance to fathering a child with a woman working on his campaign has hit the airwaves and is making its way around the media. Talk shows, news programs, morning shows ~ everyone is riffing off of this admission and everyone has something to say about it. One thing seems to be the general consensus: that following Edwards’ earlier admission to having an affair with this woman, yet denying paternity of the father, no one is actually surprised he’s reneged on this earlier claim.

Can John Edwards’ Marriage Be Saved?

Elizabeth has said she does not want the press questioning her or speculating on what she should or shouldn’t do, and this desire for privacy makes sense. But one can’t help but wonder how this all played out within their marriage. When John admitted adultery last year he made it clear that it was something he already worked out with his family – had he worked this out with them as well? That we may never know, and I don’t want to take the tack of gossip columnists and nay-sayers so I’ll simply say that yes, I still believe John and Elizabeth’s marriage can be saved.

In addition to committing sexual adultery, fathering a baby with his mistress and covering it all up, Edwards may also have committed Financial Infidelity by using money from the campaign to cover up the baby. As is often the case, where one type of infidelity is present, the other is not far behind. When looking at Edwards’ past, it’s easy to see how and why he may have slipped into a pattern of infidelity.

Years ago he and Elizabeth lost a child, then during the elections Elizabeth had a health scare due to cancer, which I believe caused a Biochemical Craving for Connection – I talk about this further in my book, Financial Infidelity. This craving is often found when people are under a lot of stress – something Edwards and fellow adulterer Tiger Woods have in common. It’s probably the case that Edwards couldn’t handle the idea of losing his wife and so he sought a way to cancel out that fear by deciding to have an affair. It’s a way of acting out – not talking out – extreme feelings in a person’s life.

What Causes Adultery?

Adultery is a disease like alcoholism caused by stress, loss and separation and the baby he admitted to could have subconsciously been a replacement for the son he lost a long time ago. While not justifiable and not something easily gotten over, this is never-the-less why adultery is forgivable, a topic I cover in-depth in “Adultery the Forgivable Sin.” It is a disease and a cry for help – Edwards had been acting out his fear of losing his wife by doing things to self-medicate himself.

The truth is out in the open and ready to be dealt with. Traditionally, men have a harder time talking about their feelings and therefore seek “comfort” by engaging in risky behavior. Once this behavior is discovered – often in the form of an affair – it doesn’t have to signal the end of a relationship.

North Ireland Rocked By Cougar Affair

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 21:00:41 +0000

Here’s a twist on the typical political affair: this time, the person perpetrating the affair was a woman. And her lover was 19. She’s Iris Robinson, a member of the Irish parlaiment and wife of Ireland’s first minister. Additionally, a radio show in Britian is alleging that Ms. Robinson organized a nearly $83,000 business deal to establish her lover’s business without declaring her interest. The program also pointed guilted the first minister, saying he became aware of the relationship and the deal but didn’t alert authorities.

What Drives An Affair?

I’ve written a lot about the affairs we see perpetrated by politicians ~ it’s nothing new. Typically the reasons boils down to similar reasons for just about everyone in positions of power: they’re more vulnerable to engage in this type of behavior because of stress, separation and loss – factors which I deal with in-depth in my book Adultery The Forgivable Sin, where I discuss healing the hurt after an affair. These aspects can come from a variety of places: stress from their job, separation from their significant other or family, loss of a higher position, an election, money, their youth or any one of a number of things. It’s likely that Ms. Robinson (an ironic name, we know) was suffering from any or all of these things but her transgressions go deeper.

The so-called cougar mentality (older women who give their time and affection to younger men) can rear its head for a variety of reasons.

1. Lack of affection from their partner (this is a common theme in a variety of adulterous relationships, not just ones featuring a vast age difference)

2. Low self-esteem, the need for attention and acceptance. No matter how well the cheater’s partner treats them, no matter how good the relationship is, they need a larger “audience” to boost their ego.

4. Sex addict. Just like a drug addict, the sex addict isn’t thinking about the destructive consequences to themselves or others. Their focus is driven by the addiction.

5. When a person can’t deal with reality very well, they escape by cheating. Some people escape to drugs or alcohol, some escape by playing the fantasy world.

The Link Between Affairs And Financial Infidelity

The financial issues make this particular affair even more interesting as Ms. Robinson committed financial infidelity not just against her husband (by utilizing her finances to engage in a sexual affair) but also, potentially, against her responsibilities as a politician. Garnering such substantial support for someone who turns out to be a lover should be scrutinized. As I discuss in my book, Financial Infidelity, people typically commit this type of infidelity (and sexual infidelity as well) against their partners as a way to escape a certain problem. This could be true in the Robinson’s personal life and it could also be true in her public and political life as well.

One of the unfortunate things is that any type of affair will never allow you to ESCAPE a problem but will instead create more stress, thereby helping the adulterer spin out of control in a cycle of stress/infidelity, stress/infidelity, and so on. This sad situation is yet another example of the powerful being addicted to risky behaviors, and drives home the necessity of fostering a loving, communicative relationship where you can be honest with and about yourself, and with and about your partner.

Tiger Woods’ High Priced Infidelity

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 15:33:40 +0000

How’s this for high priced financial infidelity: Tiger Woods averaged 40-60K a weekend spent on high-priced call girls. That’s the word coming from an escort service owner who says she counted Tiger as one of her frequent clients. The owner of the agency told eonline:

People like Woods (rich, famous, etc.) utilized her business because “it’s supposed to be discreet. When you pay it’s established that it’s a business relationship. You don’t have a girl thinking he is going to leave his wife for her and they will fall in love and have a fairy tale relationship.”

How Infidelity Relates To Financial Infidelity

This also makes sense in light of statistical facts that even a “normal” affair only ends in a sustained relationship 1-3% of the time. Yet people like Tiger Woods commit financial AND physical adultery all the time – either by blatantly paying for sex via a service, or by paying to be romantically involved with a person that isn’t their spouse. I typically talk about financial infidelity – as I do in my book of the same name – as any time one person goes behind their partner’s back to make a financial purchase. It’s a symptom related to other problems that cause people to have physical affairs and it can be anything from getting extra cash back at the grocery store to use on yourself, to keeping a separate bank account for your own purchases.

Sure, Tiger Woods’ story is a bit extreme and most people aren’t spending that much behind their spouse’s backs, but the same conclusions can be drawn wether you’re dishonest about $40 or $40K and whether you’re just committing financial infidelity or if you’re also engaged in a physical affair. I believe adultery can be cured physiologically as well as emotionally (generationally) by balancing stress and brain chemicals, through Psychotherapy, medical work up and treatment as I do with my patients with a team approach with an MD.

Stress Can Contribute To Both Kinds Of Infidelity

People who have experienced severe stress, loss and separation with their parents at an early age suffer an impact on their hormones. This hormonal change results in what I call the Bio Chemical Craving for Connection to establish certain equilibrium physically. Having done much research on the subject, I believe these feelings follow people into adulthood as we see with people like Tiger Woods who are under a lot of stress. People who engage in an affair (emotional, financial, physical, or otherwise) are usually looking to self-medicate these feelings but what they’re really doing is creating even more stress, separation and loss in their lives.

Until they learn how to deal with the base causes of their emotions, they likely won’t be able to eradicate this cycle from their lives.

Are Bankers And Financiers More Vulnerable To Affairs?

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 14:10:37 +0000

During a recession, bankers are the new lawyers. You know, the butts of jokes, either loved or hated. A new study shows many are feeling hated and seeking love in all the wrong places.

According to Reuters:

“IllicitEncounters.com said it has seen a huge increase in the number of financial workers signing up to have affairs after the collapse of the markets in October last year, and that “finance” continued to be one of the most represented professional areas on the site.”

Does Money Make You More Vulnerable?

The website set out to determine why this was so. They interviewed 380,000 members, 20,000 of them work in financial services and found that among some of the reasons for infidelity were public revulsion for bankers, along with lack of affection in private. Additionally, members were interested in engaging in risky behavior to escape boredom, and feeding the ego by landing a trophy mistress. Long hours, negative public sentiment, stress and separation from their partners makes those that work in finance (and any high-stress job for that matter) more prone to turn to an affair; especially now when there is more than enough stress to go around!

If we look around, we see a higher rate of affairs in other professions that are very demanding, like politicians. I’ve talked about this before and explained my theory. The bio-chemical craving for connection, as discussed in the book Financial Infidelity, stems from stress, separation and/or loss. These are probable elements for finance workers now. The stress goes without saying, and the separation aspect was even mentioned in the study, as bankers work longer and longer hours, lending fewer opportunities to connect with a spouse or partner. Thus, it’s not a stretch to think that those in this field are facing large financial losses themselves, or dealing with clients who have suffered losses.

A common reply in the study from male respondents had to do with boosting egos and giving in to the peer pressure of having a mistress for the sake of status. A stressed out banker distancing himself from family creates fertile ground for indiscretions.

Relieve Stress Without An Affair

All this explains why infidelity happens, but certainly doesn’t excuse it. Although certain people, professions and/or websites make it seem otherwise, an affair is not something to be coveted. Adultery usually leads to a further rift in a relationship, and all too often is the precursor for divorce. Contrary to social and popular belief among some, infidelity is not a status symbol. Rather, it is a symptom of a life that is terribly out of balance.

Instead of choosing infidelity as a solution for relieving stress, communicate with your partner. If you’re not at a good point in your relationship, talk to SOMEONE you trust, with the goal of developing emotional intimacy with your partner. Affairs create more lies, more stress and more separation, and you’ll be worse off than when you started.

Beware The Holiday Relationship Hangover

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 23:00:16 +0000

You know how a hangover feels ~ you likely had a good time the night before but then the morning comes and you feel sick, tired and – if you can remember anything – know that you likely made some bad decisions. So it is with what I’m calling the holiday relationship hangover.

The holidays have the opportunity to be both inspirational or detrimental to a relationship. If we look around, we’ll find there are so many opportunities to make bad decisions, and the circumstances we surround ourselves with during this time of year certainly don’t help. We’re going to holiday parties, drinking more than normal, stressing out about family, celebrating a new year, socializing beyond our means, eating more than we should and in short, creating an environment that can be potentially hazardous to our relationship.

Holidays And Adultery

There are several major reasons people commit adultery, which I talk about in the book, Adultery- The Forgivable Sin. One of the main ones is to counteract feelings of stress, separation or loss. The holidays can bring ALL these feelings up at once. There’s so much to stress out about, we are easily reminded of loved ones that are no longer with us or of family we find it hard to be around. If your partner isn’t emotionally available during this time, things can get even harder. The solution here is not to let that push you into the arms of someone else, but to work things out with your significant other.

Another reason people stray is due to the biochemical craving for connection. During this time of year, people are more vulnerable and they’re looking for someone to connect with. The good news is, this is also a time of year to reconnect with family and friends, so take advantage of that and share your emotions with someone you’re close to – don’t take it out in the form of an affair.

And of course there are all the outside factors I mentioned briefly above: alcohol, parties, sweets, and so forth. These things in and of themselves lower inhibitions and can make it easier to make a mistake you’ll regret – when taking all together it can be especially dangerous! The best advice here is perhaps the most obvious – know your limits.

Protect Yourself From Holiday Stress

Bad news for candy and chocolate lovers – sweets also have a biochemical effect on stress. Comfort foods plays on stress in a negative way cause more sexual cravings. I know – it’s frustrating that it seems we’re getting assaulted even from our faithful friend, food. But again, being aware of your limits, having people you can share your holiday stresses with, and trying to not become too stressed in the first place are all good ways to protect yourself.

You also might want to practice saying “no” – especially in this economy more and more people are staying in instead of partying, cutting back on gift-giving and hanging out at home with the people who are closest to them. After all, that should be what the season is about, any way!

To Confront Or Not Confront: A Mistress Or A Lover

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 14:00:35 +0000

We’ve all seen it, if not in real life then on TV or in the movies: The faithful wife or husband confronting their partner’s love. It happens time and time again, as the main character meets up with her cheating husband’s mistress.

To Confront Or Not To Confront

The question in itself may sound crazy: Should the jilted partner ever confront the “other woman” or man? But I believe that such a confrontation is sometimes warranted. You don’t have to do it in person, but a phone call can work just as well. In some situations, an confrontation with this person may be an important step of letting go and moving on, whether or not the couple decides to work things out. But as we’ve all seen in the media – in both fact and fiction – such a meeting can be harrowing and dramatic. Here are ten tips to ensure a productive confrontation with the lover of your unfaithful partner:

1. Pick a neutral public place to meet

2. Never humiliate the lover or your mate in front of friends, coworkers, children or family members.

3. Tell the lover you do not wish to hurt him/her, but you will love your partner and know the feeling is mutual.

4. Make it clear that you will fight for the relationship and that you and your spouse have a history together.

5. Ask for time to make it work.

6. Point out that if your partner leaves the relationship still doubting and full of remorse, the lover will not get a fair shake and might get hurt even worse later on.

7. Look your best.

8. Remain cool, but firm. Remember, these are peace talks.

9. Try to see this person as a wounded child, too. Validate their feelings.

10. Point out the negatives of your partner’s situation- the children, the grim realities of maintaining two households.

Don’t Let The Angry Tiger Out Of Her Cage

You might prefer the idea of tackling your partner’s mistress, but instead aim for empathy, not sympathy. When making the decision to work things out with you partner, there will be many issues to deal with, but at this juncture you are looking to clear the air with the lover. Understand that they may have been a victim of the affair too. They may not have known the truth about your relationship, and even if they did that merely points to the fact that they have their own series of problems to work on.

The point here isn’t to cause a fight or create drama beyond what you’ll already be dealing with, but to bring closure to a situation with the “other” person, so you and your partner can focus on yourselves and making your relationship work again.

Why Adultery Is Higher During The Holidays

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 22:00:56 +0000

Hard to believe the holidays are just around the corner! For some of us, that’s good news – while others of us are likely dreading the upcoming months. Although many people look forward to this time of year, there’s no denying we face countless stresses starting now and lasting through the end of the year – if not beyond. For this reason it’s not unusual to see a spike in instances of adultery during the holidays. Beyond the “basic” role that stress plays in adulterous relationships, I’ve come up with a number of reasons why it can be even more tempting to engage in a dalliance at this time of year.

Why Adultery Is Higher During The Holidays

Sex has no calories – ok, this one’s pretty obvious! There are plenty of activities that involve a lot of stress and a lot of extra eating! Sex is a way to absolve yourself of both … unless it’s with someone other than your partner. In which case, the stress relief is only momentary – and you’ll be left with an affair, which is a lot worse than a few extra pounds.
People go into emptiness during holidays, regrets, family they miss, happiness and sadness – as I mentioned, the holidays can be difficult for people. If your partner isn’t emotionally available during this time, things can get even harder. The solution here is not to let that push you into the arms of someone else, but to work things out with your significant other so you can face the holiday challenges together.
People are more vulnerable – this goes hand-in-hand with the above statement. The good news is, this is a time of year where people are taking time off, spending time with family and friends. So take advantage of that and share your emotions with someone you’re close to – don’t take it out in the form of infidelity.
People drink more and inhibitions are lower, more prone to sex – ’nuff said. You don’t want to be next years’ sad story.
During the holidays there are more parties – this means more people are wearing sexy clothes, dancing together, drinking (as mentioned above) going home together. This lowers inhibitions and can make it easier to make a mistake you’ll regret. The best advice here is perhaps the most obvious – know your limits.

As a general rule, I tell people not to drink at work-related events, including holiday parties: it’s just too easy to let yourself go, especially when the people around you aren’t setting the greatest examples! If you’re worried things will end badly, you can politely decline to attend certain festivities!

Another tip is – DON’T DANCE! At least not with a co-worker and definitely not someone with whom you may be feeling a bit of heat. Bring your significant other to such events – enjoy their company, dance with them, go home with them and if there IS someone at work that could potentially lure you to cheat, introduce them to your partner as a way of staying honest! I mention the importance of this introduction – and how to handle it – in my book, “Make up, Don’t Breakup.”

People are eating more sweets during Christmas, sweets have a biochemical effect on stress. Causes more acting out behavior. Comfort foods plays on stress in a negative way cause more sexual cravings. I know – it’s frustrating that it seems we’re getting assaulted even from our faithful friend, food. But again, being aware of your limits, having people you can share your stresses with, and trying to not become too stressed in the first place are all good ways to protect yourself against having a holiday affair!

Letterman Scandal Shines Light On Serial Adulterers

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 00:00:18 +0000

As news broke recently about David Letterman’s admitted relationships with women who worked for him, it points again to the fact that people in the spotlight tend to act out when stressed and pursue illicit relationships. The Letterman scandal was brought to light by a CBS newsman who originally tried to use the information as part of an extortion scheme. The man was apparently desperate and deeply in debt when he tried to blackmail the talk show host for two million dollars, forcing the late night comic to acknowledge having sex with some of the women who work for him.

This accusation and subsequent admission on Letterman’s part has created a sticky legal and professional situation. Although the affairs were prior to his marriage to his long-time girlfriend, the couple was apparently together during the time of the indiscretions.

What’s Behind Serial Adultery?

I’m reminded of the circumstances surrounding John Edward’s affair. While some of the key details are different – Edwards had a family, his wife was sick, he was likely fearing her death and a drastic change in his family and career – many of the important details are the same. Both are men in the spotlight, under an immense amount of pressure. People in the public eye have a higher instances of affairs because they’re under intense stress on a daily basis, and therefore are more prone toward a self-medicated high to temporarily cancel out the stressful emotions they feel. Edwards and Letterman both have the problem of being serial adulterers, which I explain more in my book, Makeup Don’t Breakup. But the good news is that since both these men have come clean to their families and the public, this situation can actually bring their respective families closer. The truth is out in the open and ready to be dealt with.

Traditionally, men have a harder time talking about their feelings and therefore seek “comfort” by engaging in risky behavior. Once this behavior is discovered – often in the form of an affair – it doesn’t have to signal the end of a relationship. Instead, it can be used as a spring board for honest discussion. More information on facilitating these types of discussions following potentially disastrous indiscretions – relational, financial and otherwise – can be found in my book, Financial Infidelity.

The Good Wife

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 00:00:40 +0000

A show called The Good Wife, is a drama that focuses on the wife of a politician. Her husband has recently been thrown in jail for his part in a public sex and corruption scandal. She then returns to her old job as a defense attorney in an attempt to rebuild her life and provide for her kids.

It’s a bit of a different tack than the one taken by Jenny Sanford, wife of fallen politician Mark Sanford who has lied about being on vacation when he was out of the country visiting his mistress. As I’ve mentioned before, Jenny is seemingly engaging in what I call a “make up to break up” – she threw him out but left the door open.

Temporary Breakups To Reconnect

A temporary break up can help resolve certain issues, and creates a shake-up that many couples need. In certain circumstances, this is the only thing that will create an action step which will make reconnecting and making up easier to do. Creating this strategy – and it MUST be a strategy, not something entered into half-heartedly – is not the end of the relationship, but rather a new beginning. When you break up to make up you get an endorphin rush, they don’t want you till you don’t want them.

Just about everyone craves some sort of excitement in their life – and some people push boundaries to find it. Anything from skydiving – to having a physical, emotional or financial affair. If you’re lacking excitement in your relationship and are heading into dangerous territory (i.e., considering some kind of infidelity), know that wanting to seek the high that comes from a risky experience is normal – but how you handle the situation can make or break your relationship.

Forgiving Adultery Or Condoning It?

Although the public ramifications of Mark’s affair weren’t known until more recently, Jenny says she knew of it as early as January. Yet according to the New York Daily news, as recently as June he begged his wife to let him go visit his mistress. “I said absolutely not. It’s one thing to forgive adultery; it’s another thing to condone it.”

People are looking for novelty, for that dopamine high we get when we try something new and adventurous. Unfortunately, many people sacrifice a relationship they’ve worked hard to build on the quest for that high.

So it remains to be seen how things play out with the Sanfords and if Jenny’s “break up” will be successful, or if she’ll end up like the fictional counterparts on The Good Wife – looking to support her family on her own.

Should You Stand By Your Man After An Affair?

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 00:00:16 +0000

We’ve all seen it over and over … politicians (and others who are vocal and visible) preach morality, family and the like, and end up falling victim to an affair. Then, what’s perhaps more surprising to us, is that the spouse (usually the wife) decides to stick it out. To forgive and forget and work through whatever issues have arisen. This decision baffles a lot of us, and it’s one that Governor Mark Sanford’s wife, Jenny, recently tried to explain in a recent interview. She’s the gracious, forgiving woman being called a “role model,”by the Washington Post, and a “media genius” by Newsweek.

Infidelity Is An Addiction

In June, when Gov. Sanford admitted that he had not been traveling along the Appalachian Trail, but in fact, traipsing around Argentina with the mistress he had met eight years ago, Jenny was cool and composed. She and her sons then moved out of the governor’s mansion, but the former investment banker turned stay-at-home mother of four has decided to give her husband another chance, for a reason I completely agree with: Infidelity is an addiction and – just like when someone’s addicted to drugs or alcohol – it becomes nearly impossible to break away.

For this reason, I deem adultery the “forgivable sin” and, in my book Can we Cure and Forgive Adultery, delve into reasons why people need to conquer this biochemical craving for connection and have an affair with their own partner!

As Jenny aptly put it, “Everybody would like an escape sometimes. I’d like somebody 5,000 miles away I could E-mail. It’s not exclusive to men, but I know that isn’t realistic.”

Affairs Are Self-Medicating

Engaging in an affair can provide the desire for an illicit self-medicating, thrill-seeking “high” that many people seek. This can easily become a self-enforcing cycle: politicians and others of us under a lot of stress are looking for a release from this constant pressure. An affair fulfills the biochemical craving for connection, along with that high and thrill of a new romance. But keeping up the charade only causes more pressure. And so the cycle perpetuates itself. In order to re-instate that connection with our partner I suggest taking some time apart and doing what I call a “brush with death,” which Jenny has already done.

More instructions can be found in my book, Make up, Don’t Breakup, but when you do this “break up to make up” correctly, you’re operating from the position that you don’t know what you have till you lose it. This is a technique that jolts most people into getting their feelings back and falling back in love with their partner.

Forgiveness Is Divine

Or, in the words of Jenny Sanford:

“All I can do is forgive. Reconciliation is something else, and that is going to be a harder road. I have put my heart and soul into being a good mother and wife. Now I think it’s up to my husband to do the soul-searching to see if he wants to stay married. The ball is in his court.”

Christian Couples FINALLY Enjoying ‘Whoopee’ Time!

Christ Pro Erotic — Sun, 20 Jul 2008 13:56:43 +0000

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ;Let me take the speck out of your eye when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?"" Matthew 7: 3,4 (New International Version)

Nearly five years since starting Christian Pro Erotic, after years of struggling with my faith and my sexual needs, after hearing the stories of many people of faith in the same situation I finally read the article in the July 7th Time Magazine.

Sexuality for Married Couples

And God Said, "Just Do It" is about Christian fellowships and churches tackling sexuality for married couples. It seems a movement is burgeoning where ministers and ministries are focusing on one issue: married couples in the church need more sex!

Finally, after so many years, we are cleaning a stubborn speck in the eye. Instead of putting down those in the world whose marriages do not live up to the snuff of church standards Christians will finally try to take out the plank of high divorce rates and failed sex lives from the eye of the body of Christ.

Christian couples are finding programs such as New Directions Christian Church (Memphis, Tennessee) with their series"40 Nights of Grreat Sex" or Relevant Church (Tampa, Florida) with their "30-Day Sex Challenge" available to them to help their marriages grow and prosper.

I can tell you 20 years ago or so the advice would have been to "just pray about it and God will give you the clues to figure our how it will work out".

A step in the right direction

Not anymore.

Now along with the Good Book we are finding couples armed with (gasp) the Joy of Sex in their arsenal to take back their bedrooms from a stale existence.

To me this is a step in the right direction and one which is way overdue; if these materials were available to Christian couples in the past–leadership and members–many marriages could have avoided heartache and tragedy in their lives. To realize they are failing in the battle in the bedroom is a signal playtime is over. The church is ready to catch up with many other couples who made each night a night to remember.

The church had a flimsy argument to folks outside the church about engaging in spicing up their bedroom life. We kept serving Vanilla when everyone else dove into cartons of Rocky Road and Cookies and Cream (whether you add this to your bedroom play is up to you).

The church balked at toys, oils, massages and (gasp) alternative venues to make things interesting. The thing I could not understand was how those folks who lasted 40 plus years together keep it together when it came to times of intimacy?

The road that led to adultery

…

Top 10 Signs of a Cheating Man

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 04 Apr 2007 02:25:40 +0000

Ladies, you know in your heart if your man is cheating on you. You can feel it…

Maybe you’ve suspected for a while that things aren’t quite right in your relationship and you’re worried that maybe he’s stepping out on you, but you just can’t put your finger on exactly what’s bugging you.

Well, here are some concrete signs to watch out for if you think he may be unfaithful…

Top 10 Signs of a Cheating Man

From http://www.WomanSavers.com

A cheating man can only hide his cheating ways for so long before he gets caught. The longer a man cheats, the higher probability he will get caught. In this busy day and age, it is difficult to carry on more than one relationship. However, with inventions like the internet, accessibility to willing partners has become easier than ever. There are various ways of how to tell if your man is cheating. We have listed the top 10 signs of a cheating man below. How to know if your man is cheating? If your man exhibits any of the below, it may be time to take a closer look.

1. Spends less time with you.

A cheating man must use the excuse of working long hours, extra meetings and dinners or other unexplained functions so he will have time with his “other” woman.

2. Isn’t as affectionate any more.

Your sex life in almost non-existent because of his other commitments. He doesn’t want to cuddle, watch a movie, hold hands or do many of the touchy things he used to.

3. He changes his physical appearance.

A cheating man usually starts buying new clothes, gets a new hair style or begins working out because he wants to be attractive to the other woman in his life besides you.

4. Car changes.

The passenger seat in the car has been moved or there is an unknown hair on the car seat. Perhaps the radio station is on an irregular station because that’s what she likes.

5. Change in temperament.

A cheating man becomes more short-tempered because of the guilty feelings as a result of the infidelity. Things that usually did not bother them suddenly start bothering them…

Top 10 Signs She May Be Cheating On You

Dan and Jennifer — Sun, 01 Apr 2007 22:45:44 +0000

You know that feeling in the pit of your stomach that tells you what your heart doesn’t want to hear.

That feeling that tells you she may be cheating on you.

Things just don’t feel right with your relationship and you’re worried that maybe she’s stepping out on you, but you just can’t put your finger on exactly what’s bugging you.

Well, here are some concrete signs to watch out for if you think she may be unfaithful…

Top 10 Signs She’s Cheating

by Shawn Croft for AskMen.com

No man likes to discover that his girlfriend has set her eyes on another chump. What is even more heart shattering is the discovery that she has already done the unimaginable and cheated on you.

Here are some signs that she might have taken a roll in another man’s hay bale. But before you start suspecting your girlfriend or accusing your wife of cheating, remember that these are just signs. Ultimately, you should trust your instincts.

You must also be on the look out for combinations of these cheating signs for a more definitive indication of trouble. Lastly, there is the chance, however slight, that she is actually doing some of these things to provoke jealousy or to attract you , so be careful, be wise and, most importantly, be smart.

1. Scent of another man

Scent is a very important sign of cheating girlfriend, but if she suddenly starts wearing a new fragrance, the alarm bells need not sound off. She might be simply trying to spice things up in your relationship. Going off the deep end too soon could damage your love life — permanently. However, if you smell another man’s cologne on her clothes, hands or neck, then she may be planting her lips where she shouldn’t. Watch out.

2. She doesn’t criticize you anymore

There was a time when she cared about what you did or said, in fact, she used to hound you about those type of things. Now, it seems that she couldn’t care less if you were dead or alive and concern about your habits, good and bad, have retreated to the recesses of her mind. She might have simply given up on trying to convert you or she finally accepted your faults, but she could have just as easily met someone else who does not have your faults and bad qualities.

3. You caught her in a lie

Catching her in a flat-out lie is a key sign that she is cheating on you or doing something wicked. When you discover that the person you’re supposed to trust has been lying to you, your feelings will surely run the gamut — from anger to rage, and from frustration to sadness. But keep this in mind: if men are stuck with the "once a liar, always a liar" lyric, the same stigma can be applied to women.

4. Your sex life is nonexistent

In the past, the two of you went at it like wild animals in heat, but now she gives you the cold shoulder when you try to initiate sexual relations and intimacy is nonexistent. Either she has lost interest in you, which is not good, or she is getting her kicks elsewhere, which is really not good. It’s time for a talk if the two of you are still intimate but find that she lacks any desire for you.

5. She has a new wardrobe

She has an entirely new wardrobe, her lingerie has taken a cue from Victoria’s Secret and her hair looks great. She could be cheating on you, but here is a warning to the paranoid: if she started a new job, for example, she is probably not cheating. If she is doing this all for you, wake up and please her as she is not cheating on you… at least not yet…