Ask Dan and Jennifer » arguing

Arguing And Fighting: How Can You Fix Someone Else? (Video)

Paul Carlson — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 01:05:43 +0000

Arguing and fighting – it’s part of every relationship, right? What happens when the arguing and fighting begins to be too much? What do you do when arguing and fighting seems to be all you and your partner are doing, instead of enjoying your relationship? How do you figure out whose fault it is? If it’s your partners’ fault, how do you fix them?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My girlfriend and I fight all the time and she’s always twisting things around to her side, keeping score, and she doesn’t seem to trust me. There are also several other issues that we need to resolve. Any advice on how to fix her and this relationship?

–Jacob, WA

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Wake Up Call – It’s No One’s Fault And You Can’t Fix Other People

There’s the classic saying, “it takes two to tango” and it is especially appropriate for this topic. It takes two to argue and fight – it’s generally not just one person’s fault! The first step to beginning to ease the arguing is to stop placing blame and start looking within yourself instead of just pointing fingers at the other person. If you have to, sit down and really think about how you contribute to arguments as well as what your partner contributes – you’ll likely find that it’s an even divide between the two. Even if your partner does have some issues with arguing and fighting, you can’t “fix” someone else. You can only change yourself.

Does That Mean The Relationship Is Doomed?

Not at all! Men and women are definitely on different wavelengths – you know, the Mars and Venus thing. While a man may be “proving his point” logically, that probably won’t make any sense at all to a woman, because for a woman, the way she feels governs pretty much everything. Even if you are logically “right” (which is usually never the situation anyways), your female partner won’t see it that way because she still feels hurt, upset, frustrated, angry, etc., etc. How do you get past this particular hurdle in your relationship? When you argue with your partner, try to see things from her point of view. How would something you did or said make you feel? Yes, it’s time to get in touch with your emotions. It’s hard for a man, but try letting your emotions rule you for a day or so and you’ll feel what it’s like to be a woman. Similarly, your partner can do an exercise in trying to see things logically for a day or two – trying to forget about the emotional aspect of it and thinking more realistically. When you understand how men and women are different in that department, you’ll probably stop arguing destructively and fighting more constructively – you might even reach a resolution!

Do You Need Counseling?

Sometimes, a couple’s fighting and arguing habits have become so ingrained in them that it’s exceptionally difficult for each partner to step outside their “box” and see the situation from the other’s perspective. Counseling from an unbiased third party can really help with this. Don’t be ashamed from seeking counseling, or even reading books about the differences in men and women and how to argue constructively. If you truly care about your partner and about the relationship – and if your partner truly cares about you and the relationship – you’ll both be accepting and willing to take the steps you need to take to make your relationship healthy and happy again.

How To Manage Money Issues in a Loving Relationship

Laurie Weiss — Sat, 08 Nov 2008 15:30:20 +0000

When "money" is a couple’s issue, is there any way to get past it and still have a loving and supportive relationship, especially if every other aspect of the relationship is strong and loving other than the ways of looking at money (particularly in tough times)?

This money question from Jenny describes a problem many couples face. Money issues can be especially intense because money discussions are usually about much more than just money.

When Money Becomes an Issue

In tough times the money issue comes up because it represents a very basic need—security. When you feel threatened your normal rational way of functioning often becomes very primitive.

Your basic emotional instincts take over without their normal restraint. Therefore, the number one rule is to NOT discuss money when you are scared about not getting what you need. It’s very hard to be rational when you’re afraid and you can’t solve anything when you feel that way.

What You Can Do Differently

A couple of things you can do differently is to have some money talks when you’re feeling calm and connected. You can try these questions to stimulate a different kind of conversation. They’re based on Transactional Analysis (TA), a system for understanding, predicting and changing behavior that was developed in the 60’s.

TA explains that you act in at least 3 distinctly different ways. One, your Child Ego State is emotional. Another, your Parent Ego State is driven by and expresses rules you believe are necessary and important. The third, your Adult Ego State operates rationally and makes assessments and predictions based on information.

In computer terms, you can open any of three different programs and use them to address the problem. Some programs provide answers that are more practical than others, but each program gives you a “correct” answer based on it’s own system.

Questions to Ask

These questions are designed to discover the answers those six different programs the two of you are coming up with about money issues. Once you can see how complex this information really is, you can begin to sort it out instead of just arguing about it.

How would each of your parents tell you to solve the problem? Include step-parents or any other important parent figure as well. (Parent rules)

What would each of your parents do (have done) if they needed to solve this problem themselves? (Parent models that may become rules for you)

What would you do if you could do exactly what you want to do and nobody was watching and you didn’t have to answer to anybody about what you did? (Your own Child)

What are your resources and what are your options? You have this information when you stop to think about it. (Your Adult)

What’s Next?

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The Brain/Credit Card Connection and Your Relationship

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 16:33:10 +0000

You are likely carrying around an emotional connection, and therefore, baggage, you didn’t even know you had. It’s a connection between your brain and your credit card debt; between your thoughts and feelings and why and how you spend money. It helps explain your views on money and debt and why you react to these things in certain ways.

Knowing about these connections and your money patterns won’t excuse you from financial problems you might face, but you can help nip these problems, and any repercussions they might have, in the bud.

I call these brain/money connections the Biochemical Craving for Connection.” It starts when stress causes thrill-seeking behavior. The stress can be linked as far back as childhood but can also be due to recent pain or emotional distress.

The thrill-seeking behavior can be in the form of financial or sexual conquests and infidelities.

You’re looking for ways to self-medicate and to help calm stress levels down. At the same time, these indiscretions give you another kind of high and the cycle starts: Give into sexual or financial pressure to help relieve stress, feel a “high” for a moment, then return to stressful feelings about the situation. Eventually, the only thing that can help your problem is the problem itself!

Areas in the Brain That Communicate With Each Other

There are several areas in the brain that communicate with each other to influence emotion. When it comes to dealing with extreme behaviors such as addiction, infidelity and poor decision making, these areas may be involved:

*The limbic system is made up of several structures that work together to control emotion, hormonal secretions, moods and pain/pleasure reflexes.

*The hippocampus is a structure within the limbic system and plays a role in emotion. If this area is damaged, it can reduce your ability to distinguish safe and dangerous situation, leading you to seek out situations that may FEEL safe, but in reality, aren’t. Things like sexual affairs or financial infidelity.

*The ventral striatum and the nucleus accumbens help process satisfaction and happiness. These areas are also associated with assessing risk reward and gratification. When these areas aren’t functioning properly, people may get involved with addictive behaviors leading to things like gambling, affairs, etc., in order to stimulate pleasure responses.

For people struggling with things like debt and/or financial infidelity, it’s helpful to figure out if these areas of the brain are coming into play. It’s also helpful to figure out what types of stressors may have triggered the Biochemical Craving for Connection in the first place so you can deal with the root cause.

Verbal Warfare! Make Up or Break Up? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 14:07:05 +0000

If you find yourself in a relationship where you find yourself constantly arguing and fighting with your partner, you’re not the only one.

You’re also not alone if you genuinely love this person and want to make the relationship work.

Are you doomed to a breakup?

Not necessarily…

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My girlfriend (ex?) and I fight all the time!! When we are not fighting we get along great! Everything will be fine, then BAM, full blow verbal warfare.

We have been on and off, because of this pattern. We are both tired of fighting, arguing, etc. WE got along so great once upon a time, we some how had a miss-fire that has never got fixed, I don’t understand.

The question, does it have to be over?

– Matt, Kansas City

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Realize That No One Has To Be Right

The root of all evil is money . . . actually, it’s the ego. A person’s ego trumps all other things and it has a need to be right all the time.

This is generally what drives people to argue and fight. It starts out pretty innocently. Someone does something that the other partner doesn’t like and it hurts their feelings.

They speak out, but it soon turns into something to the effect of, "Well, I did that because you did this," so on and so forth. It becomes about placing blame and proving who was right and who was wrong. If you begin to recognize this pattern of arguing, you can learn to move past it. It will take a joint effort, but it also takes two people to argue in the first place.

The Relationship Is Not Doomed Unless You Let It Be

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