How Not To End An Argument

So, one way to not end an argument is to suggest you can both apologize. Another way to not end an argument is to say, “I’m sorry,” through gritted teeth as if what you really want to say is, “You son-of-a-you-know-what, I could just tear you apart right now!” A lack of authenticity when offering an apology tends to make the other person feel spat upon. This isn’t good for moving the conversation forward into a more loving place.

Another way to not end an argument is to say the very thing that will escalate it to the next level. Sometimes this happens by accident. It is only after saying the thing that makes it worse you realize you knew all along not to say it. One way this has looked in our house is when I’m fuming because my feelings are hurt. It’s called passive aggression. It can happen when he has hurt my feelings. It can also happen when someone else has hurt my feelings but I know he can’t do anything to fix it, which means he’ll be irritated by a conversation about it.

When I fume he eventually says in a certain tone of voice, “What’s wrong?” On the surface, that tone sounds compassionate. But I’ve lived with him long enough to know there is a very slight edge to it that is clearly recognizable but easily overlooked by me. Without thinking, I will answer him and actually relax inside as if now we are getting somewhere. Wrong! With my answer, I have just confirmed that he was right and now he knows for certain that I am either mad at him or mad about something he cannot fix and that drives him crazy too. Escalation of hard feelings with confusing words that don’t help to follow!

Recently, I was fuming really loudly. Because it wasn’t about him but was about something he couldn’t fix, I took a risk. He asked what was wrong and at the end of my answer I stated, “…and that is the end of this conversation.” It sort of worked! While there was no escalation, he left the room. I had an appointment to keep, so I left. By the time we got back together later in the day, we had both processed our stuff around what had hurt my feelings and what he couldn’t fix. We were able to have a loving conversation about it.

How To Actually End An Argument

Now for some solid advice on how to end an argument: the trick is to shift from blame and resentment to appreciation and the sense memory of loving the other person. People get there different ways. You may have discovered what works for the two of you and so the real issue is why does it take so long to make the shift? Unless abuse is happening, if just one of you will make the shift to a softer, appreciative place, the energy will soften and get better for both of you.

Some people are able to get to a softer place with a touch. Some take a breath and some space and purposefully remember the love and the sweetness that usually exists between them. In the past, once my feelings were hurt, I used to see the other person as my enemy. Sounds extreme but it wasn’t like I said, privately or out loud, “He’s the enemy!” No, I just realized that was how I felt. With that understanding, I would remind myself during arguments that he isn’t the enemy. He is my husband, my lover, my friend and we’re going to get past this. Dealing with my own trust issues allows me to remember that I trust him and his love for me. That softens my energy, causing me to feel appreciation again with a sense memory of loving him, and everything improves. It improves because the very next time I speak to him, my tone and intention are softer and genuinely about love and reconnection. That authenticity makes all the difference!

Loving And Reconnecting

What I mean by “a sense memory of loving the other person” is when you get past the anger and resentment and genuinely soften, some place in your body responds. That response is a sense memory of your love for that person. Perhaps your legs relax. Maybe your belly softens and energetically expands. You might get a feeling in the center of your chest where you feel full and relaxed. Your head might tingle. Your jaw could relax and chills run up the back of your neck. Your arms might ache with a longing to take your lover into your embrace. It is a memory in your body that expresses your love and longing for this person.

Another way to work this trick for ending an argument is to understand and accept the differences between men and women. For instance, men are wired to fix it. When my husband wants to fix something he can’t fix in me and that frustrates him; at the very least, I can appreciate this about him and his masculinity. Doing that, I do not escalate the argument further by getting frustrated with his masculinity. Appreciating his masculinity, I might even open to the possibility he could really fix it. When that happens, “Glory Hallelujah,” the home team scores and we both win!

How to shift from blame and resentment to appreciation and the sense memory of loving the other person is a personal issue between two people. It takes experimentation and patience to discover how that works for you. You and your lover, the home team, are worth it!

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3. Are You Getting What You Need?
4. How to Apologize Even When You Didn’t Mean To Cause A Problem: Couple’s Communication Counseling Verbatim
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Here are five common ways to help create a better, more loving and harmonious relationship with your husband.

1. Handle arguments differently

Every marriage and relationship has arguments, but it’s how you handle them that’s most important.

At Junior High School, I said ‘no’ to drugs. At my wedding altar, I said ‘no’ to fighting. Nancy Reagan’s "Just Say No" anti-drug campaign was a huge success.

Kids made a verbal commitment and a mental stance to avoid drugs before they were even of the age to be tempted. When they were introduced to drugs, they knew they could "just say no" and not feel alone.

Fighting is NOT harmless. It’s addictive and, if continued, is likely to cause irreparable damage. Certainly there are times when emotions get wrinkled, and the natural inclination is to blow your top.

I sometimes have to bite my tongue so I don’t say something I would regret later (since when is self-control a bad thing?) Having a naturally calm personality has admittedly made it easier for me to think before I speak than it is for some people. But that shouldn’t stop anyone from trying.

2. How to make him listen

In most relationships, a polite and sincere request gets much greater results than if you yell, nag or complain.

For example, the other day Athena saw my bath towel on the middle of our bedroom floor. She said "you might want to hang up your towel or it won’t dry out in time for your shower tomorrow." When my clothes pile up outside of the hamper, she sweetly says, "it would really help me out a lot if you put your dirty clothes in the hamper."

She was exhausted one morning and when Ashton (then five months old) began to stir, she turned over to me and asked if I wanted to "get up and have a little morning playtime with Ashton."

That was a much nicer way of asking me to help her out than saying, "Why am I the one who always gets up early to take care of YOUR son? I think it is YOUR turn for a change." Athena always thinks of nice ways to ask me to help out or to stop doing something irritating.

3. Turn gossip and bashing into praise

No one’s perfect. When wives get together and the conversation turns to complaining about “what their husbands do,” or male bashing in general, refuse to participate.

It shows that you respect and value your husband. For a man, few things are more devastating than to have his wife criticize him in front of friends. Instead, when a "gripe session" gets going, make it a point to start sharing some of his good qualities.

Usually, this alone will steer the conversation into a positive direction and help your friends to also praise their husbands — which in turn helps them to respect and appreciate them more too. Knowing that my wife refuses to belittle me in front of friends makes me love and respect her even more.

4. Change your routine of life

…

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And then something snaps, and one of you yells "I need space!" and storms out!

"I Need Space!" – What it Really Means 

It’s typically the man who needs space, but not always… Maybe it’s the pressure of the argument, maybe it’s something else. The fighting just gets to be too much… and he just can’t take it anymore. So he backs, or runs away to catch his breath and get some air.

"I Need Space" is avoidance, a cry for help from a wounded animal. The argument, the fighting, or life in general has gotten to be way too much and he needs a break from all of the stimulation.

When he says that, you should respect it as frustrating as it may be. Sure you want to understand what’s wrong, what triggered it, and at this point, how you can make it better. But that’s not always possible. Trying to approach someone who’s pulling back like this will often just push him farther away. In this emotional state, he is truly acting like a wounded animal and will likely bite if you try to approach.

So is this the first sign of a break up? Is the end in sight? 

Probably not. People argue and fight, and that’s unfortunately just a normal part of any relationship. It doesn’t necessarily mean that he wants to break up, just that he needs a break at that point. It can be as simple as that.

However, if your relationship gets into a cycle of arguing and drama all the time, it very well may lead to break up! People spend time together to find happiness, companionship, and love. Not to fight and argue. No one likes to fight all the time and eventually, someone will leave.

Clash of the Personality Types

Some people thrive on conflict, and others avoid conflict. We are all different, which is really a great thing – wouldn’t it be boring if we were all the same? But here’s where problems can start…

Those who thrive on conflict, will debate a topic until they’re completely exhausted. Others simply hate fighting and arguing, and will do anything to avoid conflict.

So for obvious reasons, a relationship between a person who thrives on conflict and a person who always avoids conflict can quickly end in a bitter break up unless they learn to work together and respect one another’s boundaries.

3 Golden Rules to Keep Fights and Arguments from Destroying Your Relationship

Here are our 3 Golden Rules for resolving disagreements and avoiding fights:…

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5. Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Why is that?

Okay, we have all heard of the “Fight or Flight Syndrome”. That’s’ when your brain takes over and you feel you have to either fight or run away from the situation.  But what does this mean to us on a personal level? What it means is our brains are engaged in a battle for our survival and it is sending us messages intent on helping us survive whatever the threat appears to be.  That threat could be as simple as avoiding embarrassment, it could be defending against something that you said that the other person perceived as an attack.  Whatever the threat, the other person is reacting to you as though you are a threat.  They see you as “the bad guy” and themselves as “the victim”. 

Now, if you asked them, they would deny this. They are not lying to you, they are not aware that  “the bad guy” and “the victim” roles are unconsciously engrained into their way of perceiving the world. Actually, it’s a part of all of our unconscious minds.  We can’t help it it’s automatic. 

Picture this: A husband, let’s call him Jim, is trying to help his wife who is swamped with Christmas preparations. She told him that she has to set up the tables for their holiday dinner and gave him a vague notion of how she wanted it done.  Without asking for more details, Jim thinks he can help his wife; lets call her Susan, by setting up the tables for her.  He hurries around hastily setting up the tables before she comes back from Christmas shopping, hoping to surprise her. Well, boy, was she surprised. Susan says, “What is this?”

Jim proudly says, “I set the tables up for you.” Suddenly, without warning, Susan explodes on him, telling him this is not at all what she wanted, and why did he think this is how she wanted it? And why didn’t he let her do it?  Jim was dumbfounded. He starts yelling back at her how he was just trying to help, and didn’t she want his help? Susan is aghast that he can’t see this is not what she wanted. She starts telling him he was just trying to horn in on her show, that this holiday dinner is important to her because her new son-in-law’s family is going to be there and she had it all planned out. Jim insists that he was trying to help her and she is just being petty. 

The discussion erodes from there into an all out fight. 

What happened here? Both people were trying to accomplish the same goal, but they got seriously derailed. Why? It’s because their brains kicked into survival mode.  The whole argument escalated because neither of them realized how suddenly they had become each other’s enemy.  Each saw the other as “the bad guy” and themselves as “the victim”.  Whatever understanding they may have had of each other’s stress was out the window and they were each solely focused on surviving the current threat.

So what is the alternative? The alternative is…

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You’ve seen it time and time again. Everything is going great, you and your partner love each other dearly, and your relationship couldn’t be better. Then, it strikes without warning. Someone says something, the other responds, and it’s on!

What appears to be a simple misunderstanding escalates into an argument, a fight, and someone ends up sleeping on the couch. Worse yet, one of you starts throwing things, then storms out of the house. Remember the frustration, the anger, the resentment?

Remember how puffed up your ego got? "Yeah, so there!" OK, clearly that didn’t go as planned. And you can bet nobody gained anything from that exchange.

What happened? How did a simple question turn into a screaming match? 

In your mind, the other person "just doesn’t get it". But here’s the problem – in their mind, YOU "just don’t get it". 

And what’s even WORSE is having ANY kind of emotional discussion (read: argument) by phone or email. NEVER do that if you can avoid it.

So how can this possibly be resolved without endless fighting and eventually maybe even breaking up?

When a "discussion" escalates into an argument, all sense and reason seems to leave the building. At that point, it’s all EGO, and going downhill hard. Everybody is getting puffed up trying to one-up the other person by saying something just a little more hurtful in response to what they just heard last. A guaranteed path to achieving nothing useful.

Could you agree to disagree?

Imagine…

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This is also made worse by the fact that people break up over some really silly things, like misunderstandings, lies, or even just disapproval and non-acceptance from their family members or friends.

But finding out that you’re now single through an email or by phone is even worse. It’s so cold, so impersonal, so clinical. Would YOU want to hear that you’re now single by phone or email?

Unfortunately, many people go through a long process of deciding whether to stay in a relationship or break up. And when they finally come to that decision to be alone, they don’t want to confront the other person. In a way, many don’t want to deal with the pain they’re afraid their partner will experience.

But is it right to just make that final phone call, or send that final email, and just end it? Not to say that you OWE anyone anything, whether it is to commit to be with that person forever or to break up with them in a certain way or another. You have the right and the option to be with whomever you choose, and to live your life in the way that you choose.

But in your heart, you know that YOU would prefer to hear it in person, don’t you? Would you want to agonize ALONE over the possible reasons why your relationship just ended? When would you truly get closure?

Today’s question is from a man in Maine dealing with this very issue – his girlfriend broke up with him by email and he just can’t seem to find peace.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My girlfriend and I have been going together for 2 years and we were engaged. But she broke up with me almost a month ago by e-mail.

I haven’t seen her since then because I am almost 200 miles away from her working. 3 days before she had sent me the break up e-mail we had spent a week together and everything was great, or so I thought. The only reason she gave me in the e-mail was that she has been relying on other people for 8 years and she wants to be able to be independent on her own and prove to herself that she can. I had tried many times to call her and talk but she won’t answer the phone. I have texted her here and then and she does text back, but only if it’s nothing to do about us.

She also has 2 kids that I love to death. Their fathers aren’t in there lives so they had been calling me daddy the hole time we were together. I don’t want to lose her or the kids.

I just don’t understand why she would want to throw away a 2 great year relationship over something like this. I texted her today and told her I might be up this weekend or next to get my stuff and asked if she would talk to me when I was there. She said sure but she wasn’t going to talk about things that will make this break up more difficult. What does she think I’m going to want to talk about? To me I think I deserve to be able to talk to her face to face about all this. The way she broke it off with me just wasn’t right. Anyone got any advice to how I should approach this when I get there.

– Jason (Maine)

Watch this short video for our thoughts on this very interesting question…

Don’t forget to go to YouTube and rate this video and subscribe to our channel.

Then, be sure to chime in and tell us your thoughts - leave a comment below.

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Do you know that your lack of communication is actually hurting your relationship rather than helping it?

Here’s great article from featured author, Melody Brooke that will help you better understand how to have even the most difficult conversation with your partner and how having these conversations can actually help your relationship grow even stronger. 

Oh, No, I Could Never Tell Him That!

by Melody Brooke, MA, LPC, LMFT

It took me many years to figure out that my way of communicating was a disaster.  I was so paranoid of telling my partner things that would upset him that I had very few things that I could actually say to him.  Even when I got over the paranoia, I still found myself not always telling him things.

By choosing to limit what I was telling my partner, I was controlling him. I chose not to tell him certain things because I was afraid of his reaction. I didn’t want to displease him or anger him, so I just didn’t tell him things that I feared would cause those reactions.

For years I was convinced behavior I labeled as “controlling” was a “bad” thing.  It would make upset me terribly to have someone tell me what to do or to command me to behave in a certain way. I would be triggered into feeling trapped, angry and resentful.  Yet I never realized that my own lack of communication was really the same thing!

The decision making process is key to understanding why we communicate the way we do.  If our decision-making is based on fear or control, we are in for trouble.  The trick is; how do we recognize our motivations? To know what our motivations are, we have to be connected with our own feelings.  We have to be able to name them, and we have to be able to recognize how they are affecting us, and our communications. 

The funny thing is that many of us are keenly aware of what other people are feeling (or what we think they are feeling) and yet clueless about what we are feeling. What I have learned over the years is that the same thing motivates all of us: survival.  On a brain level we are driven to do that which will help us survive in whatever circumstance we find ourselves. 

Rarely in this day and age are those feelings based on actual physical survival, but rather they are based on the survival of our well being.  When we feel our well being is threatened in any way, we will be thrown into a survival mode that is as old as life itself.  We can’t help it, its automatic. It doesn’t matter how mature we are, if we are put in the right (or wrong) circumstance we will behave in ways we end up regretting and we may even be confused as to why we found ourselves reacting that way.

This brain response limits our choices.  When we are in this kind of reactivity our bodies go into what is known as “fight or flight” response.  Telling my partner something I feared would make him angry sent me into “flight”.  For me, that meant shutting up, holding back, and not speaking my whole truth.  As a result I often ended up lying to him through lies of omission. I didn’t think of it that way, in fact, I rarely thought about it because it was automatic. 

Once I recognized that pattern I was able to start speaking my truth to him.  Scary though it was, it dramatically improved the quality of our relationship…

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Wouldn’t it be nice if you could identify these situations before they occur and stop arguments in their tracks?

Here’s great article from featured author, Melody Brooke on just how to prevent these "discussions" from spiraling out of control. 

Help! My Partner is Driving Me Crazy!

When we are in a long-term relationship we sometimes find that we are caught in conflicts that make us feel crazy.  We don’t understand what the other person is talking about and they don’t seem to understand what it is we are trying to tell them.  Often this is about the time couples give up on their partnership and call it quits.  Why does this happen? How can we stop it?

It happens because we are animals.  Yes, essentially we are human animals driven by instincts that we don’t have conscious awareness of, but that are driving our behavior nonetheless.  It’s not terribly complicated, though it’s not all that easy to change.  Understanding what drives us and why we react the way we do, and why our spouses are reacting the way they are; helps us move through it to a (hopefully) happy resolution.

We can stop it, but it’s sometimes really hard.  To begin with, recognize that whatever it seems like the conflict is about is not what it’s really about.  I know it’s hard to accept but what you are really upset about it not that he didn’t call when he said he would or that she got upset with you for being late. That may be what triggered the discussion, but it is not the source of the upset.  Let me explain.

When we feel we are being attacked or threatened in someway we feel that we are the Victim, and the offending person (our partner) is the Villain (perpetrator, bad guy, whatever) on an emotional level.  Now, we may know intellectually that this person is our lover, our spouse, our intimate partner, etc., but we don’t feel that way when we are feeling attacked or threatened. On an emotional level, we are the Victim and they are the Villain. As long as we are emotionally in this place, our relationship is ultimately doomed.

Our instinct then, is to attack back in order to feel safe or that we are protecting ourselves. I call taking this position being in the “Self-Protector” position.  Of course, if we are “Rescuers” we might instead, let our partner off the hook by saying, “Oh, it’s okay. I’m sorry, I am getting upset over nothing” thereby placating our partner and avoiding a fight.  But the end result is the same, we haven’t stopped feeling like a Victim and they are still the Villain in our heart. 

So if fighting back or placating are not the answer, what is? How do we stop the craziness?

The answer is simple, but not easy.  We take ownership of our part in whatever upset our partner, or of what is upsetting us, and then provide empathy and respect for our partner. This is what it looks like…

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