Ask Dan and Jennifer » attraction

How Can I Tell If My Date Really Likes Me? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 12:42:25 +0000

Navigating the dating world can be difficult for both men and women. It’s hard to tell what your date’s motivations are and if they really like you or not.

Both men and women can also send mixed messages too, making it even harder for you to figure out what is going on. How can you tell if your date really likes you?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

How can I tell if she’s really into me?

–Jeff, North Carolina

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Dating vs. Friends

The first way to tell if your date really likes you is to look at the dating pattern. Are you going on dates with this person alone or are you going on dates with other friends as friends? If you’re going on dates with them alone, do you continue to go out on dates or call each other?

If the answer is that you are dating this person, as in going on dates alone with them and spending time with them, chances are they really do like you. Neither men nor women will continue to date someone and continue to spend time with someone if they’re not at least a little interested.

If you’re dating someone, you can assume they like you enough to give you more chances, and they probably like you a lot!

If you and your date are going out with other people, such as your friends, it can be a little more difficult to figure out if they like you or not.

Body Language

Another way to tell if your date really likes you is to pay attention to their body language. Do they move close to you when they talk to you? Do they touch your arm or your leg as they’re having a discussion with you? If your date seems really interested in you and really does like you, you’ll be able to tell by watching their body language.

Talk To Them

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The Art of Seduction by Conversation: Using ‘The Add-On Principle’ to Get the Girl

Rachael Davis — Sat, 27 Dec 2008 13:48:35 +0000

Persuasion is a universally recognizable component of our society. You see people influencing others everywhere you go: women trying to talk themselves out of speeding tickets, salesmen attempting to convince a potential buyer that a product’s for them, defense attorneys arguing that their client is innocent.

Persuasion is everywhere, used by all of us, all the time.

Somewhere it’s especially noticeable (and vital, if you want to be successful) is in the game of attraction and seduction. For a man to pick-up a girl, that is: find, approach, talk to her and arrange to take it further, he MUST understand and be able to use persuasive psychology.

And it’s that fact many men are surprised by when they hear it–that being successful with women isn’t a God given talent or a roll of the dice; it’s a skill like anything else. Today you’re going to learn a little about that skill.

We’re going to look at a special persuasive psychological technique that, when used, massively increases your chances with the ladies. It’s called ‘The Add-On Principle’.

How The Add-On Principle Works

Picture the scene: You’ve got talking to a girl and been chatting for a little while. You can tell she’s enjoying the conversation and think that she’s quite attracted to you, too. You decide you’d like to make something happen with this girl and see her again real soon but you aren’t sure of the best way to go about making that a reality.

You don’t want to ruin the positive dynamic that you’ve worked so hard to create and you definitely don’t want to scare her off or get rejected. So, what can you do? Well, first of all, what do most guys do when they’re in this situation? I’ll tell you, they take one of three routes:

Route #1: CLICHÉD NUMBER REQUEST

The first route has been taken so many millions of times in the past that it’s nowadays almost an act of parody. It’s asking the girl for her number. Taking this route is, 9 times out of 10, a Plan B at best.

When you ask a girl for her number you not only give her control of the situation (which means she can very easily say no or slip you a phoney number), you also highlight that moment of the conversation as what it really is: an attempt at picking her up. When she realizes this, she’s turned off.

No girl likes the idea of being picked-up because it seems sleazy and dangerous. For a girl to allow herself to be picked up, it must feel natural and unforced.

Route #2: GOING FOR IT

This route’s most often taken at night, in bars, clubs and parties. Namely because the availability of alcohol makes this option seem a good idea.

‘Going for it’ means a guy will try to kiss the girl or cop a feel a little while after talking to her. Perhaps he’ll do it while they dance or as the venue is closing and they’re leaving. Again, it’s a bad idea because it makes the girl feel used and not in control.

Route #3: BOTTLING IT

This option, quite simply, involves choking at the last second, being unable to go through with a ‘closer.’ The conversation’s gone great but the guy just doesn’t feel confident enough to propose meeting up again or something along those lines. As you can imagine, taking this route is a bad idea in regards to being successful with women.

So What Do You Do To Actually Get The Girl?

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How You Can Seduce A Woman Using ‘Deflection Theory’

Tiffany Taylor — Fri, 26 Dec 2008 13:48:32 +0000

There’s something that often happens when you’re out playing the ‘seduction game.’ That is, when you’re actively looking out for girls you think you’d like to hook-up with. Many men have experienced it, and many thousands of men still do experience it when they themselves are out playing the game.

It usually goes something like this: you’re in a group, talking to a couple of girls. You’re with a friend or two, perhaps having drinks in a bar or at a party. You’ve got your eye on one girl in the group in particular and want to make something happen, make a bit of a connection.

Thing is, she’s proving the hardest to connect to. Sure, she smiles and talks to you nicely and politely, but she’s not returning your flirtatious gestures and comments much, if at all. It’s like she’s playing hard to get or something, whereas her female friends seem to be much more playful and flirty.

How To Know If She’s Really Interested In You?

This doesn’t happen because you aren’t her type or just because sometimes these things happen (or don’t). There’s a different, special reason the girl you’re interested in doesn’t appear to be interested in you and it’s got a lot to do with psychology and social standing.

You see, when you show you’re interested in a good-looking girl who’s with her friends, you inadvertently bump up her ego and feeling of self-worth.

She knows you’ve chosen and are most interested in her and likes this feeling of elevated importance. However, she also knows that if she reacts by becoming really flirty and obviously attracted to YOU, she’ll lose the higher social value she has over her friends (probably the reason you targeted her in the first place), so she therefore maintains her unattainable, “I’m a bit too good for you” status.

Use Reverse Psychology to Turn Things Around

However, you can blow this problem out of the water by using DEFLECTION THEORY. You turn the situation on its head and reverse the psychology of your target female by deflecting your attention AWAY from her and ONTO one or more of her friends.

When you show her friends (who have lower social value/worth than your target female) more attention and affection, you challenge her ego. So, in an effort to regain her superiority in the hierarchy of her circle of friends, the girl you’re really interested in will subconsciously invest much MORE interest in you by flirting and being playful.

As so many women do, she gives into wanting what she feels she cannot have and, of course, you’ll be happy to have her. She is, after all, the hottest of the group and the one you wanted in the first place.

How To Deflect Your Attention Onto One Of Her Friends

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How To Approach Groups Of Girls You Don’t Know, And Get Them To Think You’re Great!

Tiffany Taylor — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 19:08:49 +0000

If you’re wondering how to approach girls in a group and get them to think you’re wonderful, keep reading. For this example I’m going to use women at a bar. I will be going into lots of other techniques for non-bar pickups too but for now, we’ll stick with this.

(Note: In fact, I even recommend you try my top places for picking up that are not bars. They are WAAAAAAAY better than ANY bar and you’ll see a massive leap in your success rates with women.)

As you know, women don’t usually go to bars on their own. They go in groups.

Approaching Groups of Women Can Be Scary!

Approaching GROUPS of women can be extremely daunting and if you don’t know what you’re doing, you can fail BADLY with groups and like a pack of wolves they can rip you apart. I’ve seen men get cussed at, totally ignored and even drinks poured over them.

But if you do the approach RIGHT, then your success with a group of women can usually yield great results.

Whenever I suggest approaching groups of women I get LOADS of guys looking at me as though I’m from another planet. I realize that lots of guys probably don’t have the initial confidence to simply walk up to beautiful women they don’t know. Don’t worry, this can be easily solved. I’ll give you some simple tips here.

SIDE NOTE: If you have a major confidence problem then don’t worry, I have an advanced 155-page E-book called HypnoDate which almost exclusively goes into increasing your confidence with women – and it works through the power of self-reprogramming so it doesn’t matter how shy you are, this thing WILL work for you. But guess what – it’s a bonus product that comes with my book at no extra cost.

Increasing Confidence Exercise In The Mall

Step 1. Walk around the shopping mall and when you catch a woman’s eye, smile at her. More often than not, she’ll smile back. To start with you can do this just with shop employees. Even if they don’t WANT to smile, they probably will. Good practice. And you might even brighten a few women’s lives a little.

Step 2. Once you’ve gained confidence in making natural eye contact and a smile with staff, you could move onto other women in the mall. I’m not suggesting big weird freak smiles, just nice, natural friendly ones. A lot of women will smile back at you.

Step 3. Here’s where it might seem a little weird, but this really does help and practice and repetition will make this lots easier. Just say “hi” with a smile to women (and men if you like) as you walk around the mall. It will feel HORRIBLE at first if you are not confident but slowly, after an hour or two, it’ll seem easy.

How Do You Feel Now?

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How To Increase Sexual Attraction In An Existing Relationship Using Only Your Eyes

Lee Jenkins, author Female Orgasm Black Book — Sat, 18 Oct 2008 19:10:13 +0000

When it comes to romantic relationships, one important aspect is to ensure that sexual attraction is always there. The sexual desire in a relationship slowly fades over time, and make a once hot, burning sex life into a dull, passionless one.

Don’t let this happen! There are many ways to sustain sexual desire in a relationship and one of the most potent ways, yet often less used tactic, is proper eye contact.

Eye contact can means so many things, especially for women. For one, it can mean that you love looking at her, which softens the heart of most women I know! It can also mean that you’re self-confident. A man who looks straight into a woman’s eyes without any hesitation oozes self-confidence and many women like this in a man.

Deep and meaningful eye contact can also simply mean lust. For example, just when you have guests at home or out on a party, make eye contact with her from across the room.

Nothing shouts “I want to make love to you now” more than a hard look of longing from across a crowded room!

And the great thing about proper eye contact is that it is effective is building sexual tension and attraction no matter how long two people have been in a relationship.

Here’s how to do it:

Not-So-Open Eyes

Open your eyes till they’re only 75% open. You want to look like you’re looking lovingly at her, not mentally willing her to undress in front of you!

On the other hand, having your eyes open too slightly will make her think you’re probably sleepy and just about to doze off. 75% is the look you want to achieve.Eye contact at this rate will be the “come hither” look you see most often in the movies.

The Head Tilt

During eye contact, lower your head slightly. This “look” or “pose” conveys that you’re sexually interested in her. Tilting your head upwards is a sign that you’re looking down or belittling her and she won’t like that. Tilting your head to low gives the impression that you’re not self-confident and she won’t like that either. So lower your head just a little for maximum sexual attraction effect.

Keep Your Blinking Frequency In Check

When making eye contact, don’t blink a lot. But if you must, try to blink slowly. Blinking too much means you’re nervous, or worse, she may think you have an eye muscle disorder, and that’s not really sexy is it?

Also, because you’re conveying nervousness from excessive blinking, that nervous feeling is going to be passed onto her and she’ll start to feel nervous too.

Don’t Lose The Staring Contest!

Ok, it’s really not a “staring contest” when it comes to building sexual attraction. But the idea is whenever your eyes meet, absolutely do not break eye contact until she initiates the break!

Three things here: one, subconsciously, she’ll get the impression that you’re a man who likes to be in control and so this will make her think that you’re “The Man”; two, maintaining sexual contact means you are REALLY into her; and three, long, hard, and deep eye contact conveys a certain “dark side” about you.

For some reason, many women love that.

Now that you know how to increase sexual attraction with eye contact, wouldn’t you like to take that to the next level?

Take just a minute to check out ‘The Female Orgasm Black Book’: “How To Give Her Mind Numbing, Leg Shaking Orgasms”

The Attraction of Confidence – Why Women Are Attracted To Confident Men

Matt Savage — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 13:36:52 +0000

You’re standing in a bar. Across from you is a beautiful woman.

You make eye contact and smile. She smiles back and decides to come over. She gets closer and closer.

You suddenly get a tight little knot in your stomach; anxiety from not knowing what will come next. Now she is standing in front of you. Your heart is racing.

You barely manage to get out the words, "Uhhhh Hi." She says "hi" back with a look of intrigue. As she begins to speak, you begin to doubt.

You wonder what she’s thinking. How could this beautiful woman possibly be interested in me?

After a brief moment of small talk, the woman walks away. You begin to wonder, what the hell just happened?

You can’t help but feel rejected. You obsess over what could possibly be wrong with you. The next thing you know, several hours have gone by and you’re a big pile of anxiety.

What turned her off?

So what repelled this woman? It could have been any number of things. Was it your breath? Your insecure body language? Your shortened height? Your hideous disfigured face? The thing is, you will never know what drove this woman away. This is the unknown variable of attraction.

Variables of attraction

There are many variables in a person that determines whether they are attractive or not. There have been volumes written about the science of attraction. Even many of today’s top dating gurus are constantly seeking ways to decipher the process of attraction. However, with centuries of research and much discussion, there always seems to be one thing, one variable, that consistently makes a person attractive – confidence.

To be free from doubt; to have belief in yourself and your abilities. This is confidence.

Why confidence matters

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Learn To Approach Any Woman Without Fear Of Rejection

Joseph Matthews — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 14:13:48 +0000

Knowing how to approach women is a vital skill every man needs to know, because approaching women is the first step in creating a relationship with the girl of your dreams…

You have to know how to approach a girl in the right manner if you want to have success with your pickup.

The following are some proven tips I’d recommend you do to help you be successful in meeting women! Remember a situation where you were going to approach a girl, and before you could even get a single word out, she freaked out and simply rejected you?

Know this – getting shot down has little to do with what you were going to say or what your intentions were. It’s all about how you go about actually approaching your target. It’s important to do this right the first time, because it’s hard to recover when you make a mistake right off the bat. The key to approaching women is to approach them in a NON-THREATENING manner that does not telegraph your interest.

This is known as "coming in under the radar."

Understand: Most women have trained themselves to just REJECT men outright when they sense they are being picked up on. This is because women get hit on SO MUCH by men, they just don’t want to deal with yet another guy coming up and wasting their time.

But despite all this, the girl WILL be receptive to you if you know how to approach her in the RIGHT WAY.

So what’s the right way to approach a woman?

Act fast!

First – YOU MUST ACT FAST.

If you hesitate and let the opportunity pass you by, you’re never going to experience success. Giving yourself time to talk yourself out of approaching a girl will never get you
anywhere, so it’s important you act quickly and JUST DO IT.

Know what to say before you say it

Secondly, know what you’re going to start the conversation with BEFORE you approach the girl. This will make meeting women much easier because you don’t have to spend time
thinking of what to say before you feel comfortable walking up to meet her. When it comes to a situation like this, you should probably have a good, proven "pick up line" memorized that will help start a conversation.

But don’t confuse the term "pick up line" with sleazy saying like "Nice shoes, let’s have sex!" The goal here is to be NON-THREATENING, remember?

The best lines usually engage the girl in an innocent conversation. You can do so by asking her opinion on something and then following that up with more questions. When approaching a woman, it’s important that you approach her from an ANGLE. Most guys charge towards the girl they want to meet like they’re marching to war! Coming in at an angle is much less confrontational and will put the girl at ease on a subconscious level.

Practice, practice, practice

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7 Beliefs That Are Destroying Your Success With Women

Scott Patterson — Sat, 08 Mar 2008 19:03:08 +0000

I’m a big believer in self talk. Over the last couple of years, I’ve learned that the things we tell ourselves determine our outcomes. If you fill your mind with positive thoughts, then you’ll achieve quality results. On the other hand, when think pessimistically, you’ll end up with only negative outcomes.

There’s an expression that best sums up this outlook- “Garbage in, garbage out”

What this means is when you fill your mind with negative thoughts, you severely limit your success in life. The funny thing is we men use self-talk so much that it’s become a major part of our dating lives. We often “convince” ourselves that we’re not “worth” dating the truly desirable women.

Negative thoughts often take the form of a “Self-Limiting Belief”. The definition is simple- A self limiting belief is any sort of self-talk that limits your ability to achieve something.

It’s called “limiting”, because you literally limit your capacity to do well in life. And in the dating sense, a self-limiting belief is any thought that prevents you from succeeding with women.

In my experience, there are a number of beliefs that hold men back. In order to improve your success with women, it’s important that you identify these thoughts, then actively eliminate them.

Here are 7 of the most common self-limiting beliefs:

#1- “I want somebody to love the REAL me…”

I’m going to be honest here. Guys use this belief as an excuse to be lazy. Many secretly desire a change to their life, but don’t want to make any effort. So they think that coming up with some line about “being themselves” will somehow make them morally superior to the men who seek outside help.

The truth is, many guys require some guidance with meeting women. Don’t make an excuse about wanting a woman to love the “real you”. Instead, try to understand that life should be about constant improvement. If you want success with women, you need to get out there and find out what really attracts them.

#2- “Love will find me…Eventually”

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How to Get Over Shyness & Fear of Rejection to Get the Girl (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 14:20:33 +0000

If you’ve never had a crush on a girl or boy and have felt a little shy about asking them out – well, you’re not human.

Everyone has had their run-ins with “hard to get” guys and girls and sometimes asking them out is a heck of a lot easier said than done. If you’ve got someone special that you just can’t take your eyes off of but your lips seem glued together whenever they come around, we’ve got a few things that will make it a little less stressful for you to actually ask them out.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

There is a girl I love. But I am to shy to even talk to her and I want to ask her out but I don’t really now how.

– Georgis, Alberta

Watch this short video for our thoughts on this very interesting question…

Don’t forget. Click here to Give this Video 5 Stars on YouTube and Subscribe to Ask Dan And Jennifer so you’ll stay up to date with our latest videos.

Then, be sure to chime in and tell us your thoughts – leave a comment below.

Recognize the Fear of Rejection and Kick It to the Curb

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If You Think The Law Of Attraction Won’t Work For You, You’re Probably Right! Here’s Why…

Karen Lynch — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 17:21:49 +0000

By now you have probably heard the phrase “Law of Attraction”, it’s been quite the buzz word in pop culture for the past few years. The Law of Attraction is the concept that we attract into our lives what we think about.

There are some who doubt the Law of Attraction but there aren’t too many people you could find that would deny the fact that in order to accomplish anything in life it does take some thought. The thought comes first. The achievement comes after.

Whether you want to use the phrase “Law of Attraction” or not, it is a fact that energy flows where your attention goes.

So how can we harness this energy in a deliberate manner to attract a partner, a potential mate or maybe just a date?

Well, to start with think about this. Where is your attention? What are you thinking about?

I remember when I was single and hanging out with my single girlfriends, at that time an extremely common sentiment that I would hear over and over again from many smart, beautiful and talented single women who all really wanted to find a nice man and settle down was “All the good men are taken. All the good men are either married or gay”. Consequently, those very same intelligent and attractive women who really wanted to find a nice man would more often than not meet the men who were married, gay or otherwise unavailable. It was inevitable.

Because you attract what you think about whether you want it or not.

Therefore you need to be aware of your thoughts and vibrations. Because, as you think about what you want, the Universe brings it to you and as you think about what you don’t want the Universe also brings it to you. Everything is included; there is no exclusion in the Universe. Whatever you focus on will come into your experience, whether you actually want it or not.

Now of course, these women didn’t “want” to attract married and gay men. And perhaps they were just expressing the frustrations they were having but they were creating an endless cycle. They were attracting exactly what they were thinking about , “married and gay men” and not thinking about and therefore not attracting what they really wanted which was a “nice man to settle down with”.

So if you want to use the Power of Law of Attraction to deliberately bring you what you really want the best thing and really the only thing to do is to…

“Think about and focus only upon that which you really want."

If you find that difficult there are some very valuable techniques you can use. One easy and very effective technique is to use affirmations. Write down what you want and what you are looking for and then develop some affirmative statements that coincide with your list. Say it to yourself over and over again. Repeat and repeat.

For example….

“I meet nice and available people everyday”

“I always meet nice, single men”

“I am so happy and grateful that I am able to connect with the type of person that I want to have in my life”

And so on. You get the picture. Just make the affirmation true to you. If it resonates with your heart and soul, it is more likely to work for you and you are more likely to use it to your advantage.

One more thing, as it starts to work and you start attracting the kind of person you are looking for, remember to be grateful.

The Universe loves Gratitude.

To learn more about Karen Lynch, visit LiveThePower.com.

How To Embrace Your Inner Geek And Still Get The Girl! (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 09 Jan 2008 15:51:19 +0000

Do nice guys always finish last?

Well, that depends on the nice guy.

What if you’re a total geek, have absolutely no social skills, no self confidence, and no idea where to start with girls?

Can you still get the girl?

We think so, if you’re willing to follow a few simple guidelines…

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I am a total geek. Yes, the guy who sits in a computer store drooling, or beating a video game, or basically destroying people on the front in Dungeons and Dragons…

It’s very demoralizing to know that all your good at is blasting people online.

How can a guy like me have good confidence when I know I’m the ultimate geek?

I really need your help on this.

– Carl, Colorado

Watch this short video for our thoughts on this very interesting question…

Don’t forget. Click here to Give this Video 5 Stars on YouTube and Subscribe to Ask Dan And Jennifer so you’ll stay up to date with our latest videos.

Then, be sure to chime in and tell us your thoughts – leave a comment below.

How To Embrace Your Inner Geek And Still Get The Girl!

Perception Is Everything

If you don’t feel confident or portray confidence, no one else is going to pay attention to you. So what you have to do is supercharge your own inner confidence.

Perception is everything. You have to work on how people perceive you, how you look and how you carry yourself.

Before anyone else can accept you, you have to accept yourself for exactly who you are today. No one else has the right to judge you or to tell you that you’re anything less than perfect.

It’s time to embrace what you call your "geekiness".

Strengthen Your Inner Confidence

The secret to being a good salesman is to believe in the product you are selling. And when you are dating, that product is you…

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5 Ways to Avoid Striking Out This Friday Night

David Wygant — Fri, 26 Oct 2007 15:28:24 +0000

Are You Tired of Striking Out Night After Night?

Most guys think that women like ‘bad’ boys so they try to portray this image and simply end up looking like a jerk. What a woman really wants is a man who will keep her interest, has great confidence, who is not afraid to stand out, and is not afraid to disagree with the status quo – A guy who is comfortable in his own skin…

Here’s a great article on approaching women from David Wygant, one of today’s most popular and successful dating coaches. David is not a ‘pick up artist’, but a real dating coach who offers good solid advice that actually works. In this article, he talks about some of the biggest mistakes that almost all men make when approaching women and how you can avoid them and actually capture her attention and create a real spark.

Most men think that they need a clever line to approach a woman, which in some cases may garner a reaction. But through all my years of coaching men and women I have found that it is not what you say that’s important, but how you approach.

Most women put more importance on visual clues to assess a man’s character. They don’t care what you say as long as you say it without hesitation and with authority. Unfortunately, most men don’t know this, so they walk over and approach a woman like a wounded animal expecting to be rejected.

When you approach like a wounded animal you will be rejected every single time no matter how clever of a line or remark you may have. Sound familiar?

With eighty percent of human interaction based on non-verbal body language, what is a man to do?

The key to impressing her right off the bat is you need to be different than all other men that are approaching her that evening in the bar or lounge. It is really competitive at night, and most women will start to lose interest in men after a few jerks have hit on them, so you need to learn to use a few of these tips to make you stand out from the crowd of drunk testosterone-laden men.

Here a few sure-fire ways to make your approach more powerful and convincing even if you are not sure what you are going to say:

1. When you see a woman that you are attracted to you need to walk right over.

Stand up straight and walk over slowly but with confidence. Make sure your chest is puffed out and your posture is looking strong and not slumped over. You need to keep eye contact as you approach so you do not spook her. You also need to walk directly over to her without any hesitation.

With practice, you will get comfortable doing this. Most men linger in the background like a scared animal for a period of time before they approach. When they finally do approach, the woman is quick to turn her back on him. The reason is he did not exude confidence.

Most women notice who is observing them. When you do not approach within seconds of spotting her you might as well go home and get your game on for another night or day.

2. When out on the town, avoid being seen with the drunken testosterone pack of males.

One of the biggest turn-offs for women is the “male pack” — you with five of your buddies high-fiving each other, drinking and checking out other women. Yes, women make note of this childlike behavior and when you approach them with your buddies waiting on the sideline they will impulsively reject you in front of the pack to avoid being scrutinized later. You need to break away from the male pack and find one other guy who is like you to go out on the town with.

Save the male bonding and excessive testosterone for a sports bar.

Sex Tips – The REAL Secret to Sexual Confidence (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Sun, 20 May 2007 01:20:36 +0000

Sex can be a wonderful and exciting part of any relationship, bringing great joy to both (or more) partners. But so often a couple just isn’t sexually in sync. For whatever reason, they just don’t click sexually.

A common reason for these sex problems is the lack of open and honest communication.

This is a deeply engrained societal issue… people just aren’t comfortable talking openly about sex, not even with their sex partners. And guess what – your partner isn’t going to read your mind. If you don’t let them know what you want, they won’t know.

When lovers do talk, it’s often about the physical – the logistics of love making, not about their deep fantasies and desires. So often we get questions from people who can’t seem to get a particular sex position just right.

It’s not about getting the other person to orgasm in any particular position or another, but rather about feeling desired, felling wanted, feeling your partner’s lust and craving for you – feeling the intense heat of passion. And it’s about making your partner experience that as well.

That’s something to strive for. It’s that shared desire that brings great sexual confidence.

Today’s question is from a lady dealing with the difficult issue of sexual confidence.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I find myself burdened with an unfortunate insecurity. I don’t feel confident in bed. I have had a number of good and bad relationships that have left me knowing a lot about my soul, but little about success in bed. My first sex partner used to become extremely angry and offended if I didn’t want to have sex. He would lay guilt trips down, refuse to speak to me, or yell. It wasn’t until after leaving the relationship that I realized how badly it made me feel about myself, and how unnecessary/abusive it was. I dated another boy after him who was just the opposite, we dated for 3 years and he rarely initiated sex, not wanting to make me feel pressured. We spoke freely of our feelings, and by the end he felt more comfortable being aggressive. The second relationship helped me feel comfortable with myself and men, however neither relationship really left me feeling like a sex goddess.

Now, I have finally found someone who is helping me explore my sexual side. I recently started dating a French man I met, and he really knows how to turn me on! The problem is… with every boyfriend, I have never been able to get a guy to cum from a blow job, and I’ve never really been the one on top during sex. Frenchie keeps trying to get me on top, but every time I do, it’s like I’ve broken his penis! I’m 140 lbs, not obese; and he’s no waif… His penis is medium size, so it’s not as if it’s some stub that would break if a sparrow sat on it! I’ve tried sitting straight up and moving up and down, or leaning forward and moving forward and back, but while he is encouraging, it’s never successful. I’m also afraid that sitting straight up leads me to bouncing rather than riding… and that seems to hurt! As for the blow-jobs, I can’t seem to get a rhythm; or when I do (and this is highly embarrassing) he jokingly asked if I would like to breath!

He is perfectly confident and supportive, and I’d really like to get over my insecurities. I’m sorry for such a long explanation and please, if you have any advice, it would do a lot of help.

Desperately,
Finally French (Pennsylvania)

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Is Shyness Keeping You From the Girl of Your Dreams?

Dan and Jennifer — Mon, 05 Feb 2007 16:37:10 +0000

The Question:

There is this girl at my church that I think might like me. Every time I get a chance to say something to her I don’t because I’m really shy. What can I say or do to break the ice?

The Answer:

The challenge here is that you really like her and really want her to like you. And that’s the problem. That wanting translates into fear – fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of being alone.

STOP! Let’s go through this together so you will be able to approach her with ease the next time you see her.

She’s a regular person, just like you

Don’t put her on a pedestal just because you like her. This is one of the biggest mistakes men make with women, which is why they strike out so often.

Remember, she’s a regular person, just like you. So, treat her that way. Be nice, friendly, and most of all, confident in yourself. You wouldn’t be shy talking to one of your guy friends or a girl that you have no interest in, right?

So treat her like that – just one of your friends.

Men and women aren’t nearly as different as we all like to believe. At the end of the day we’re all people with needs, feelings, hopes, dreams, etc. We all need friends, companionship, and so on.

How can you tell if she likes you?

When you talk with her, notice how you feel. Do you feel like you WANT her to like you, or do you feel that she DOES like you? Is there a strong surge of energy, a magical spark between the two of you? Down deep, you’ll know if she really likes you.

You can feel it. Trust your gut.

Warning. Many guys make a big deal about asking a girl if she likes them. Don’t ever do that. You’ll put her on the spot and she’ll have to choose without getting to know you first. It’s like deciding if you want to buy a car without ever sitting in it.

The key here is confidence and belief in you. Listen for what’s in your heart, not for what you want to be there. If you’re too nervous to even talk without stuttering, then you won’t be able to read your gut feelings. So it’s very important to get a grip on yourself and just relax.

What if she turns you down?…