Ask Dan and Jennifer » bad relationship

Are You Sabotaging Your Relationships Without Even Knowing It?

Nick Arrizza MD — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 11:29:47 +0000

Have you ever noticed yourself falling into an ever familiar pattern of self sabotage shortly after entering into a new relationship?

Self sabotage can take many forms such as engaging in addictive behaviors (i.e. drugs, alcohol, pornography, work , etc), engaging in affairs, withdrawing emotionally, becoming irresponsible with financial matters or personal hygiene, regressing into child like behaviors where you are unconsciously asking your partner to take care of you or rescue you, etc.

Self Sabotaging Behaviors

Of course, such behaviors can only be tolerated for so long even by the most caring and loving of partners before things become unstuck and everything falls apart.

The self sabotaging partner will then feel initial pangs of grief and sadness but there may also be deeper feelings of relief as well. Why is this?

Well, largely because the self sabotaging behaviors are sourced from deep emotional hurts that the individual carries within them either from earlier relationships, and more often from early childhood familial traumas.

These emotional hurts often make the individual feel unworthy, lacking self esteem and self confidence, defective or deficient in some way (i.e. the "there’s something wrong with me" feeling), afraid of being found out by others (especially their partner), incapable of sustaining a healthy relationship for any length of time and generally fragile and anxious.

It’s Really Just a Facade

So although this person desires to be in a relationship, being fully known to their partner entails the great risk of being rejected hence they supposedly feel more in control when they themselves initiate the demise of the relationship through self sabotage.

Behaviors that supposedly compensate for such inner feelings of hurt and allow the individual to "appear together" when they first meet a new partner. However such a facade is in place to unconsciously seduce the partner into a relationship so that they can begin to fulfill a hidden unconsciously held agenda.

The facade is needed because deep down the self sabotaging partner does not believe that they are genuinely lovable.

The hidden agenda is about allowing the "handicapped" partner get the care, soothing and love they need to feel whole and OK about themselves. Unfortunately this not what was bargained for by the relatively more healthy partner and so when it becomes apparent that they have been deceived the relationship begins to falter.

So How Can This Be Remedied?

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I’m In A Bad Marriage – Should I Stay? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 14:00:15 +0000

If you find yourself in a marriage that makes you unhappy, you’re not the only one. It’s a difficult situation to get through.

Do you try to make it work? Do you try to leave, or get a divorce? Do you just leave well enough alone and try to be happy, even though you realize the rest of your life will be like that?

It can be even more difficult to sort through if you don’t have any support. Where do you start?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Hallo, I’ve been married for 8 years. My husband cheated on me recently and he never showed any guilt & never said sorry. I feel so much pain in my heart, I can’t trust him anymore, and he just goes out everyday after work to drink. I strongly feel I need a divorce but I don’t know how I will be able to take care of my 2 kids. I don’t have a job. My friends tell me to stay until I can manage on my own but I can’t see myself surviving. I thought of having a boyfriend but I don’t seem to get any maybe coz I’m no longer attractive or I look old. I’m only 30 y.o. I hope you can get me a male friend who is a Christian too and in a bad relationship like I am who can take me in and love me for who I am. I really want out, Please help me.

– Hellen, South Africa

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Realize That You Have The Power To Change Things

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How to Recover From an Emotional Hangover and Create a Healthy Relationship (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Tue, 13 May 2008 14:24:42 +0000

Whether you’ve been in a bad relationship, have been cheated on or even been abused, it is possible for you to carry the emotional baggage with you even once the situation itself has passed.

Women especially are vulnerable to emotional hangovers and can let bad experiences affect them continually, even in new relationships.

Unfortunately, until you get a grip on your emotions, you’re slowly going to poison any relationship that you have.

You need to break the patterns in order to move on.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Hello, I read your article on the free library and it connected with me. I am very insecure to the extent I am destroying my relationship with my boyfriend. We have been dating now for almost 3 yrs. He has been sincere but I somehow still manage to not having any faith in him. My ex’s cheated on me and my boyfriend says I am carrying it over into our relationship.

I hate the fact that I am becoming such a monster, that I can’t control my thoughts and that I am loosing the man I want as a husband. We want to start 2008 fresh.

How does one ‘let go and let things be?’ How can I solve my problems? How can I clear my head and heart out and move forward? Where do I start and what should I do? Please help.

- Ulrika, South Africa

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Beware The Hidden Signs Of A Controlling Relationship…

Click by Lavalife, Nick Krewen — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 18:42:10 +0000

When Martin met Marie, he thought he’d died and gone to Heaven.

Out of the dating scene a while, he was surprised to find this sultry brunette catching his eye at the grocery store. She accepted his invitation for lunch, laughed at his jokes and seemed to reciprocate the mutual attraction.

He fell hard and fast but a few weeks into the relationship, Martin began to notice a gradual change in Marie’s behavior. She began making little suggestions — things they should do, restaurants they should visit, meals they should try, that special shirt or belt that he should wear on their dates. And Martin, wanting to please, willingly accommodated her numerous requests.

Changes in behavior

"She’d be sweet as pie about it," Martin recalls. "Even if I disagreed with her, it’d be difficult to broach the topic because she’d do it with a smile."

But even Martin was flabbergasted at Marie’s reaction when he told her, after a month of exclusively spending consecutive weekends together, he was going to take the coming Friday night and kick back a few beers with the boys.

Marie sulked and threw a tantrum, and Martin saw the first signs of what would become a living hell: Life with the Controller.

"She expressed shock and disappointment when I had anything on my social calendar that didn’t include her," he remembers. "And she’d never let me forget it."

Kindness quickly turned to criticism and within a few weeks, "The Lecture" replaced love. Martin felt his self-worth quickly turn to mush.

"I felt horrible, because not only was I apparently not meeting her needs, but since no one had treated me like that before, I blamed myself," he concedes. "I believed that I deserved it, otherwise she wouldn’t have been saying those things. The lectures were frequent and endless."

Martin says the key phrase Marie would often repeat was ‘You need to change.’

"It was never about bad habits," he realizes. "It was an assault on my character. Many things were insidious, particularly her ability to extract me from my friends and family over a relatively short period of time without me realizing what was happening."

Seeing it can be tricky

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Lying and Dishonesty: Are You in a Toxic Relationship? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Sun, 10 Jun 2007 19:57:56 +0000

Have you ever been in a relationship you knew wasn’t GOOD for you, but for some reason you stayed in it anyway – much longer than you should have?

Maybe you put up with lies and indiscretions. Maybe you even put up with verbal and physical abuse but for some reason just couldn’t bring yourself to end the relationship.

For many of us, when we do get the courage to break it of, we often look back through rose colored glasses and wonder if we made a mistake. Maybe it was me? Maybe I should have stayed, tried harder? There really were a lot of ‘good times’ mixed in with the bad…

But now, looking back, you know deep down that it should have lasted as long as it did.

So what’s the attraction behind these magical intoxicating relationships?

At first it feels like it must be love. But is it really?

Maybe it’s just really amazing sex… Or maybe the attraction is because the other person seems very exotic and different from anyone you’ve ever met. Whatever the reason, you find yourself in a destructive and toxic relationship that’s obviously going no where fast, and yet you just can’t seem to leave.

There are lots of reasons and excuses for staying like "The sex is so great", "I feel alive when we’re together", or "I just can’t explain it". And to a person trapped in this type of relationship, it is hard to explain.

But at some point, the infatuation and mystery starts to wear off just a bit, enough for you to open your eyes and start asking questions. Is this person really good for me? Are they honest with me? Do they really care about me?

If any of this sounds familiar to you now, it’s time to trust your instincts and take off those rose colored glasses. Be honest with yourself about the reality of the relationship. If it feels toxic, then it probably is. End it now and move on with your life. Find a partner who treats you with the love and respect that you deserve.

Here’s a question from Kim in South Carolina who’s suspects that she may have just left one of these toxic relationships and is now having doubts about doing the right thing…

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I have been seeing a guy that I have known for many years. He is 12 years younger than I am, and we have been seeing each other for about 10 months. I called it off because this relationship feels toxic to me!

He lies about things that I know aren’t the truth, but I love him! Did i do the right thing?

Signed Kim, missing him so much!!!

– Kim (South Carolina)

Watch this short video for our thoughts on this very interesting question…

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Then, be sure to chime in and tell us your thoughts - leave a comment below.

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