Ask Dan and Jennifer » bbw

Q&A: My Husband Says I’m Too Fat Too Have Sex With Me

Dan and Jennifer — Tue, 23 Nov 2010 14:00:29 +0000

It’s not uncommon for a man to have a reduction in his sex drive as he gets older, but he may try to blame it on you. He may suggest that you are overweight and not attractive, or come up with some other reason as to why he doesn’t want to have sex with you – and it will probably end up being something that he consideres “your fault.” The truth is, however, that there are many reasons that a man can lose his sex drive as he gets older, including being a new parent among other things. Here’s how to find out the truth of the matter and whether it’s really you or something else.

Question: My husband is 30 & I’m 20 – he absolutely seems to hate having sex! We do it about 2 times a month, IF I’m lucky! He said it’s because I need to lose weight. (I’m 5 foot 5 inches and 165 pounds) He’s really rude about it. Is there a way to get him more turned on to where he’ll want to have sex despite how I look? I just had a baby 9 months ago. I’ve tried giving him a blowjob or a handjob, but when it comes to returning the favor he just won’t do it. Can you give me any advice?

–YouTube Viewer

Try To Find Out What Is Really Going On

You may be taken aback at first when he suggests that his lowered libido is a result of your being overweight, but don’t take it to heart right away. There may be other things that are responsible for his reduced sex drive that he just doesn’t know about and the only thing he can think to blame it on is the way your body looks and that he considers it “unappealing.” A change in his lifestyle – such as a new job or a new baby – could be the culprit, as well as other things like certain medications and even his diet and exercise habits. Here are some questions you can ask yourself to determine whether it really is about you or if there might be some deeper issues going on that your partner just isn’t aware of.

When did this start?
Have you always had the same weight-to-height ratio or have you recently gained?
Have you always had sex just a few times a month, or is this something new that has started happening?
Did you just have your first baby?
Is he having job stress or other types of stress in his life?
Has he started taking medication of some kind?
Is he eating a healthy, nutrient rich diet?
Is HE exercising and maintaining a healthy weight?

Talking To Him About It

It’s important to talk to him about what is going on in your sex life (or lack thereof) but picking the right time and place is absolutely essential in getting through to him. Don’t try to talk to him about the issue right after you’ve either had sex or you’ve initiated sex and he’s declined. You also don’t want to do it when he’s stressed out, like right after work or when the baby is fussy. Hire a babysitter, set aside some time for you and your partner to go to dinner and initiate the conversation in a casual and non-critical way. The best way to get through to your partner about what is really going on with him is to avoid being critical of him and what he says. This can be difficult because he’s coming at you with accusations that can really hurt your feelings, but try your best to maintain a level head or the only thing that will come out of it will be a huge, ugly argument. If you can’t work through these issues on your own, consider couples counseling. Find a counselor that you and your partner are both comfortable with and talk to them about the problems you and your partner are having. A good counselor will not blame either of you for what is going on (because let’s face it, the blame game will get you absolutely nowhere) and will help you and your partner find the tools to change what you need to change in your relationship to have a better sex life.

Changing Your Body

If you’ve just gained weight from having a baby, relax a little and be confident that your body will return to its normal size and shape if you maintain a healthy diet and exercise plan. If you’ve always been overweight though, consider taking what your partner is saying to heart (at least a little bit). It may be hard to hear, but being overweight just doesn’t make you unappealing to him, it also places hazards on your health. Overweight people are more at risk for high blood pressure and heart disease, as well as diabetes and other life threatening conditions. Consider losing weight for you. Think about how great you’ll feel afterwards! There are lots of ways to lose weight, but one of the most fun ways is through sex. Perhaps if you tell your partner about some new sex positions that you’ve learned help lose weight, he’ll be interested in joining the cause!

Big Beautiful Women Are Sexy Too!

Christ Pro Erotic — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 23:21:58 +0000

I am beautiful no matter what they say…

Words can’t bring me down–Christina Aguilera

My six-year old recently watched the movie/musical “Hairspray” and danced around the room to all the great 60′s styled tunes. Her favorite character: Tracy Turnblad! Who would have thought?

After being introduced to Barbie and Bratz dolls, who knew my daughter would think of Ms. Turnblad in the same way as her more shapely, thinner heroines?

But this is very good! Because for a culture obsessed in its need for thinner waif looking counterparts, Big Beautiful Women (BBW’s) are making it clear to the rest of the world they will neither be ignored nor marginalized.

The ideal

The fashion and entertainment culture for years have made it clear the only way people are attractive in the world is with the thin, athletic look. All you have to do is look at the entertainment business to see which look gets top billing. Look also at your magazines, billboards, and promotions in stores.

You’ve got to be thin, athletic, and not a speck of fat or flab on your body. No room for big boned girls because they don’t fit what beautiful or sexy looks like in our culture.

I remember growing up and into my teens and 20s viewing how BBW’s were treated in the public: disdain, repulsion, and degradation. There was no room at the inn for big girls because men and women were bombarded with “the standard” of beauty. But beauty had a cost too; if you wanted “the look” you will have to either starve yourself or purge your food from your body.

The ideal isn’t ideal

Too many BBW’s were left with the choice of starving, purging or exercising the weight off or be marginalized into a stereotype left on the outside looking in. I can’t even imagine what it must have been like (and sadly, is like in some cases today) where the pressure to be “beautiful” was great.

But a funny thing happened on the way to the clothing rack one day. Big Beautiful Women had enough!

They determined they were happy with who they were, how they looked, and would not take the forced determination of the fashion world—or society in general—telling them they couldn’t be sexy and beautiful just like the thinner girls. It would be up to these beautiful women to make a stand for themselves and tell their world they are beautiful in their own special way.

The new ideal

First came Emme, the most popular model to speak for a generation of BBW with clothing suited for them. Then, slowly, the fashion world took notice and realize the standard they put on them was too high a cost to a woman’s sanity. Along the way myths about BBW’s sexuality and vivaciousness shattered in a million pieces.

For me, I can attest some of the sexiest, beautiful, and charming women I’ve met and made love to are in this category. Why? Because I saw the beauty inside them and how they challenged my belief about what is a sexy image.

Plus,God said we are “fearfully and wonderfully made”. The meaning “fearfully” in the passage is not the terror kind of fear, but a reverence (a nod) to a creator for making every shape and size his own. Just like we awe at the statue of David or glance at the Mona Lisa or marvel at the Pyramids, we marvel how God can create a unique person like the BBW’s of the world.

Why we need to change the ideal

Now there are many who have made BBW the fodder of late night jokes or the bane of the Al Bundy’s of the world. They made songs to try and keep BBW’s in their place telling the world they are not their “type” (Remember the song “I ain’t gonna bump no more with no big fat woman?”).

BBW’s are no joke and shouldn’t be treated as invisible women. Men should look at all women—every shape and size—with the same love and respect we in turn should expect from others. Heck, we shouldn’t be selective at all at whom we open the door to anyway. (See Luke 6:31-33)

One night we went to a lounge we frequent from time to time with friends of ours we know for a monthly get together. That night, the room was crowded with BBW’s and their dates for their annual party/dance night. Music coursed the room as these beautiful women of all sizes got up to shake their groove thing dancing with partners and husbands without a care.

They dressed sexy, flirted constantly with me (and other guys and gals), and didn’t give a care who saw them. They didn’t need to compete with the thin ladies out there, they were (are) happy with where they are at and God love them for being that way.

I’m sure Tracy Turnblad would be proud.