Ask Dan and Jennifer » being single

5 MORE Tips For When You’re Alone And Lonely – Part 2

Maryanne Comaroto — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 00:46:25 +0000

Being alone can be, well, LONELY! And most of us – even those who like to be alone – don’t really like to be lonely. But what can we do about it? What do you do when you really want that “special someone” to be there, in your life, RIGHT NOW?! If you’re not looking to fall into a trap similar to the woman I mentioned in part one of this article – who gave her life savings to a man (a criminal!) she was seeing, only to have him turn up dead, in a car he bought with her money, before paying her back – you’ll hopefully be able to glean some wisdom and viable suggestions from my next five tips.

5 MORE Tips For When You’re Feeling Lonely

Many of us find ourselves alone, and lonely, for a reason – and often, for a GOOD reason! Most of us need to take time in our lives to seek out why we act the way we do, and to get to truly know ourSELVES! But that doesn’t make being alone or lonely any easier.

So, while you’re on your path to self-discovery, here are a few things you can do RIGHT NOW, to help yourself through whatever it is you might be going through!

Talk. I must say I had a list of folks who would talk with me in the wee hours of the morning if I needed to be “talked down”… if you know what I mean. Not men, but friends that cared about me, knew my history and were devoted to my heath and well-being. Honestly, I have never been a big phone talker, but when I got lonely sometimes it would take the edge off-just hearing someone’s voice was comforting enough to get me to the next place!
Play. Anyone who knows me knows that this has traditionally been a hard one for me. It conjured images of silly people running about doing things I would never do. That said, I needed to find my version of what healthy fun was. Things that had positive consequences. I started dancing the Five Rhythms, took salsa lessons, ice skated with my son, played cards and ping pong with friends, trained for the Avon Walk (okay, for me training is fun), painted with watercolors, took classes at City College, went to open-air markets. There are a ton of things to do and a million online resources in your area for what I call “clean living,” fun things to do.
Get a pet. I love cats, have two (Chloe and Leila), a dog named Bella and a fish; the current one’s name is Donald. (My niece and nephew named the last three Sparkles One, Two and Three.) I cannot tell you how many times my cats have come and cradled me in the midst of some of some of my most intense loneliness. And I let them. I was learning how to comfort myself when I had only known how to reach to someone else before (most of the time not the best someone, either). And yes, they respect me in the morning, all of them, every time-and best of all, so do I!!!
Laugh. I have always been the type of person who said, “If I am not capable of mustering a laugh, I know something is really wrong!” and then I revert to the above items. Because I genuinely, regularly love to indulge in gigantic belly laughter. I love to laugh at myself and when I am not busy laughing at myself, I seek out opportunities to find the humor in just about everything. I am easily entertained. (My mother once said that if you are bored you are boring.) Comedians on DVD are fab and I recommend getting a library of them-my current fave is Orny Adamas, he’s available on line. OR a great alternative is funny movies, and my list is long. If you don’t have a library already, it is inexpensive to build, and way less expensive than a one-night stand or bad relationship choice.
Pray. Oh yes, never underestimate the power of prayer. I have said prayers over and over, hoping someone or something out there would hear me, and then one day it happened. I found my Divine connection to…well, The Divine, of course, and have never looked back. It was like coming home, and now I find great comfort in prayer and meditation, as corny or simplistic as this sounds. I know, I know, you are desperately lonely- then I say to you, pray like it!!

I’m not simply talking about activities that take up time, but rather, things that will help you discover who YOU are, and put you on a path to where you want to be!

Relationship Happiness When The Love Of Your Life Hasn’t Shown Up Yet!

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Sat, 25 Apr 2009 01:07:27 +0000

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or objects.” ~ Albert Einstein

Some of us spend too many weeks, months, even years chasing unrequited love. Man, it can hurt so good to love so deeply one who will not and cannot return the favor! It isn’t a masochist’s dream, but it sure can become a favorite bone to chew on so that life doesn’t feel so darn lonely. Songs about it are sung, stories about it are written, and therapists’ couches are private spaces for it. There is a better way.

What Exactly Is Unrequited Love?

Unrequited love is what happens when he or she just isn’t that into you but you have feelings you cannot deny. The human heart is capable of loving those who are incapable of returning even feelings of “like” much less real love. The heart will love even those who neglect it and abuse it. So, loving someone who cannot love you back not only can feel kind of good, it can feel necessary. The love you feel for anyone can become something you cannot live without, even if they do not and never will love you back.

Oh, and if the person you love so deeply is a friend, it becomes even more complicated! Because they do genuinely like and love you, they just don’t love you “in that way,” you can conjure up the juice to love them for all eternity. As long as you don’t do or say anything that makes them exit your life in order to protect themselves; as your friend, he or she is always available. If you get to the point of processing your feelings about this person with this person, then you have these intimate conversations that, even though they produce nothing more than more pain, the intimacy feeds your feelings for him or her. You leave these conversations convinced that if you can just be there for them and love them as much they will let you, then one fine day, he or she will look at you anew and fall head-over-heels in love with you, regretting all the time lost till now!

Something Better Than Unrequited Love

Unrequited love can fill all the free and empty spaces in your life while you are waiting for the real thing to come along. That is one reason people refuse to let the love object go. A much better, honorable, deserving candidate for all that love is you, yourself. In addition to that, focusing your attention on what would be the ideal romantic relationship for you, on the perfect love of your life, how it all would look and feel and taste like; this level of dreaming and planning for the love of your life showing up is a more beneficial expression of your romantic love than sinking deeper into unrequited love.

One of the things you can do to turn your attention to loving yourself and preparing for the love of your life to come along is read self-help relationship books. These books can be even more helpful before you get into a romantic relationship because you have the freedom to read them without prejudice. You also have the opportunity to use them to fire your imagination with specific details about what you want your next romantic relationship to be like. It is the Law of Attraction in that what you put your attention on grows. If you put your attention on how richly painful it is to love someone who doesn’t love you back, you will get more of the same. Conversely, if you put your attention on the kind of relationship you will create with the love of your life, you will attract that.

Getting Into The Relationship Groove Outside Of A Relationship

Another thing you can do is use dating to practice the behaviors self-help relationship books teach. Particularly paying attention to those that outline the differences between men and women, as a man you can practice being the man with the women you date, or as a woman you can practice being the receptive feminine with the men you date. He or she doesn’t have to be the love of your life in order for you to practice how you plan to be with the love of your life. Even among your friends, you can practice listening skills and being present skills that will benefit you tremendously when the day comes along where you not only fall in love, but the recipient of your affection falls in love with you too!

The more attention you put on loving yourself and preparing for that big, powerful romance coming along, both your daytime dreaming and night time dreaming will move in alignment with you to support what you are attracting! Instead of your thoughts drifting to your unrequited love, they will naturally drift to imagining things like what the perfect Sunday spent with your love will look like. Nighttime dreams, if you remember them, will begin to sort through the debris left by the unrequited love so that you have more space and energy inside for creating something whole, balanced, and full of passion with a real prospect for finding someone to spend the rest of your life with!

Albert Einstein’s quote above, “If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or objects,” inspired this article. When it comes to relationships, it can be very hard advice to follow because it can feel impossible to refrain from tying your happiness to another person. But when the goal is a beautiful romance because you are worth it, the thinking and action steps that follow give you a happy life even as you attract the love of your life.

10 Tips for Surviving Valentine’s Day Whether You’re Single or Attached

Natalie Lue — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 15:15:29 +0000

As the big day approaches, it’s easy to lose perspective and go into meltdown mode…

1. Remember that Valentine’s Day is ONE day out of a whole 365 days!

If you’re attached, keep yourself grounded in this reality and avoid making Valentine’s the tipping point of your relationship.

If you’re single, much as it might seem like the entire universe is celebrating their love on the 14th, they aren’t, and you can’t let your whole emotional world collapse. Love is something to be celebrated all year round.

2. Manage your expectations but most importantly communicate them.

Are you expecting the sun, moon, and the stars even though you’ve only been in your relationship for a short period of time? Does your partner dislike Valentine’s day and hasn’t previously lived up to your expectations?

I’m not suggesting that you remove the element of surprise or spontaneity, but if you’re the type of person that is likely to feel very disappointed if the day isn’t what you expect, it’s time to discuss your expectations so that you can 1) find out if they are realistic, 2) share your thoughts with your partner, and 3) free the both of you to have a day that you can enjoy.

3. Do not create drama or get stressed about it.

It’s supposed to be a celebration of love but it is very easy to ruin the lead up to it or the actual day.

Whether you are the type of person that resents Valentine’s day and feels inadvertently pressured by your partner or the commerciality of it, or whether you’re that person who lives for Valentine’s day and expects a big gesture, if the person you are with is at conflict with your outlook, you will find yourself in the very unpleasant drama zone.

4. Remember that you’ve saved some money and been spared the pain of scratchy underwear and other such tacky gifts.

It can be quite difficult to come up with something original and inspired for Valentine’s day and there aren’t many of us who haven’t had love dice, love cheques, cheap flowers from the petrol/gas station, furry handcuffs etc, never mind paying over the odds to be packed like sardines into a restaurant with a set menu.

It’s not about throwing the cash around if you are attached, and if you aren’t, pat the extra cash, or treat yourself to something nice.

5. Don’t go on a first date.

There is a lot of expectations and unnecessary pressure when you have a first date on Valentine’s. Be very careful of knee-jerking into a new relationship as we make some of our worst decisions when we’re insecure and desperate to avoid singledom.

6. If you’re single, embrace the day and spend it with those that you love most.

Some of my best night outs have been when I’ve been single on Valentine’s. If you’re not the type that can let the day pass without feeling a bit anxious, hang with your other single friends,

7. No drink dialing.

Do you want to wake up on the 15th with a banging headache and regrets that you’ve made a fool out of yourself calling your ex, or even worse, you’ve slept with them? No matter how horny or sentimental you get, wait till the next day to see if you still feel the same when you’re sober.

8. Don’t seek validation from the day.

If your relationship has issues, gritting your teeth and eeking all of the sentiment out of the day is going to be the equivalent of papering over the cracks of your relationship. Don’t rely on this day to make your relationship but certainly don’t use it as the sole reason to break your relationship either. Likewise if you’re single, don’t think that the absence of a mate or a date invalidates you.

9. Valentine’s day extends to self-love.

As Luther Vandross said “Love the one you’re with” and this time, that’s YOU. V-day spells a great time to evaluate where you are and what you want out of life and your relationships. If there is any overhang from the past, start to deal with it and get happy before you throw yourself back in the dating saddle.

10. Make an effort and small gestures all year round.

If you do this, Valentine’s day won’t feel like guzzling water for the first time after being lost in the desert for a year…

To learn more about Natalie Lue, visit http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk.